you're not as fluffy

me: i'm really trying hard to work out these days. and trying to take better care of myself.friend: i can tell. you don't look as fluffy as you did this past summer. me: (lol) thanks. i'm glad to hear i'm not looking as fluffy. (still lol)

gotta love a friend that will tell you that. and i do. i love her. i adore her frankness and honesty. not many people would tell you that you were looking fluffy not so long ago. and of course, the whole conversation motivated me b/c maybe my working out is actually paying off.

although...i've actually stopped running.  not completely but i've stopped running outdoors b/c my knee is still acting up. since november.  pain on the outer side of my left knee and now some strange swelling on the inside of the same knee. so i've turned to the gym. elliptical machine. a mile to a mile and a half on the treadmill (knee doesn't hurt for these short runs). free weights. and a kicking-my-ass weight training class. i rotate through. and i'm feeling good. really good. hmmmm...the last time that i really worked out prior to now (and was in shape) was pre little ones, about eight years ago. really? did i just say that? eight years ago? yikes!

here's to not looking as fluffy. and having time for pretty toenails, which i do not have right now.

++++++

we're doing well. missing steve terribly but in the big scheme of things...we really are doing well. we're happy. we're healthy. and not quite crazy yet. the one thing that is difficult right now is the unknown. i think i've mentioned it before, that steve is due for a new assignment this july. we still have no idea what is going to end up happening and the anticipation makes me almost crazy. some locations that were proposed to steve are (listed in order of which steve told the detailer he's interested--it's a long story as to why this list is the way it is): - one year unaccompanied in bahrain (yes, steve would come home, only to leave again for a year.  but steve heard that the job was given to another guy before steve was able to email the detailer back.) - 18 months in monterrey - one year in KS (kids and i would stay here.) - two years in HI (there's actually two jobs available in HI.)

yes, you read right...hawaii was offered as a possibility and yes, it's our last choice in locations to go. like i said, it's all a long story. the funny thing is that i don't even know if one of the above will end up being where steve ends up. the military system often works that way...a list of choices, only to end up getting none on the list. so there is no need in my getting worked up and/or excited about anything until orders are in hand (or at least firm in the computer system). for the moment, i sit in this big bubble of unknownness.

++++++

i've been busy finishing up the last of my 2008 clients (books, albums, etc.). i've started shooting 2009 clients (and am booked until april). running the kids around for school stuff, gymnastics, fencing, etc.  and i've taken to redecorating our house. seems to happen every time that steve is gone for an extended period of time. he knew it was going to happen. so he rolls with it, although i'm sure it drives him crazy. new kitchen table. new kitchen chairs. new wall art. new bedding. and soon to have a new rocker. all modern. so exciting. now if we just had a cool eichler to go with the new furniture.

when is daddy coming home?

in true love, the smallest distance is too great, and the greatest distance can be bridged. - hans nouwens

ryder: mommy. me: what ryder? ryder: when is daddy coming home? me: in a few more months. when it's close to summer. skyler: is that a long time? me: yea, it's a little bit of a long time still. ryder: mom. me: what ryder? ryder: i really, really, really miss daddy. me: i know. i really, really miss daddy too.

++++++

need i say more?!

life

life moves pretty fast.if you don't stop and look around once in awhile, you could miss it. - author unknown

don't forget to stop and take a look around you. stop. look. listen. love. embrace the every day.

happy birthday

you have grown in me. Â you see.it's you and me. together forever. and never apart. maybe in distance, but never in heart. - author unknown.

the kids and i decided to make steve cupcakes, for his birthday. they poured, mixed and frosted. proudly. all by themselves.

and this was ryder's "happy birthday daddy" photo.

happy birthday babe! we miss you! xo, dj

appreciating the little things

we are so often caught up in our destination that we forget to appreciate the journey. appreciation is a wonderful feeling, don't overlook it.- author unknown

i shipped steve a birthday package, from my in-laws house a couple weeks ago, which he just happened to receive today--on his birthday. a few pair of sweat pants, which he requested. some other requested odds and ends. and an 80-page book. our book. a compilation of photos, of our family, from 2008. looking through the book is emotional for me, as i recount family moments and how much the kids have grown over the past year. i can't even begin to imagine how emotional the book is for steve, being away from us and all.

steve also received three postcards, one from each child. i vaguely remember steve's mom doing that--having the kids write/draw on a postcard, for their daddy's birthday. the thing that i didn't realize...was how very special that was going to be. steve couldn't stop talking about the postcards, especially sky's, which he scanned and emailed back to me (see below). Â i hadn't seen the postcards so i was happy that he emailed it.

one thing about steve being away is not only do we realize how much we appreciate one another, but also how much we often under-appreciate the little things, the everyday things. i know i've mentioned sky's learning to write to steve in the past--although not remembering how much these everyday things that the kids are doing mean to him, i'm sure i just glossed over it during quick conversation. it's these things--these things that are part of my hectic everyday--that i forget steve is so missing and would do anything to be a part of right now. it is these things that i must remind myself are so important to share with steve any way that i can. briefly glossing over them is not good enough.

happy birthday babe! we miss you. we love you. i'm so glad that you love your birthday gifts. almost 3 months done. 4 months to go. stay safe.

the courage to be free

the secret of happiness is freedom. the secret of freedom is courage.- thucydides

something a friend of mine and i were talking about today is the prison we pose upon our own creative minds. it's so easy to get trapped in the comparison and competitiveness of being a photographer, of being an artist.

i believe that it's when we free ourselves from that self-imposed imprisonment and have the courage to just let ourselves be--that we do our best and most creative work. it's at that time when we and our work is truly us and what it was meant to be.

patience

adopt the pace of nature;her secret is patience. - ralph waldo emerson

i've never been a very patient person. it's something i seek to improve upon, as we bring in this new year. actually, it's something i always seek to improve upon. maybe one of these days i'll figure it out.

as i speak about patience... we have a little over four months to go. four months of being both mother and father to my three kids. four months of the kids missing their daddy. i try not to complain though, as so many others are doing it and doing so in much more difficult conditions than i. and when i sit back and really think about it...i can't believe that almost three months has gone by...we've survived and we're doing well. we have our moments but all in all...really, we're doing well.

i received an email from steve today, sharing with me that he's sorry that he didn't get back to me sooner, but he was busy building a rock climbing wall. and a few days ago, i received the photos below, from iraq. i love that the guys are making the best of things out there. steve is working super hard, yet having a good time--and i wouldn't want it any other way.

i hope everyone had a safe and happy new year's eve. here's to a fantastic 2009!

a story of kindness

i expect to pass through this world but once;any good thing therefore that I can do, or any kindness that i can show to any fellow creature, let me do it now; let me not defer or neglect it, for i shall not pass this way again. - stephan grellet

we came home from vacation, boxes waiting at my door. i noticed one of them was from curlyQ cuties. i didn't know why, as we had already received our two cuties we had ordered. i opened the box, to find a card sitting on top. it read:

debora, sorry to hear about the dog getting to skyler's monster. hopefully, we've picked the correct one from your original order to replace. happy holidays! curlyQ cuties

p.s. a sincere "thank you" to your husband for his service to our country.

sigh. my heart melted as i read the note and opened the package to find a replacement cutie for skyler's torn one. they must have read on a prior blog post that our dog had gotten to sky's cutie and put a big hole in it.

what a wonderful act of kindness.

i loved curlyQ cuties before, as written about here. i love them even more now. please check them out when you get a chance. Â they are much more than just a wonderful product. Â

a fresh new year

another fresh new year is here . . .another year to live! to banish worry, doubt, and fear, to love and laugh and give!

this bright new year is given me to live each day with zest . . . to daily grow and try to be my highest and my best!

i have the opportunity once more to right some wrongs, to pray for peace, to plant a tree, and sing more joyful songs! - william arthur ward

we're back from vacation. five huge duffel bags and one large box later...i'm mostly unpacked. and here i sit, ready to welcome and embrace a fresh new year. excited about the possibilities.

2009 is a year that surely will bring lots of excitement and changes. business changes. possibly big ones. life changes. we will most likely be moving this summer, as steve is up for reassignment in july. some possiblities that steve has shared with me...north carolina and colorado are two that have been briefly mentioned. however, steve has not talked to the detailer and nothing is real until orders are in hand. but, i'm hoping (so hoping) to know something in the next few months. this limbo phase, this period of unknown, is rather difficult for me...but i try and be patient.

++++++

our NV vacation was so awesome. we woke christmas day to 10 inches of snow that had fallen overnight...truly a magical, winter wonderland. this christmas was one that could have potentially been a very difficult one, especially for the kids, having to spend it without their daddy, but steve's family made our christmas so wonderful. we had such a blast and kiele is now begging me to move to carson city, NV. oh and steve's mom has me hooked on ABBA right now, since watching the mamma mia movie, which i loved.

here's to a happy and hopeful new year. a year filled with singing, dancing, loving, living, laughing, growing, giving and...peace! stay safe.

happy holidays!

i'm headed out for a much needed holiday vacation and break. while there, i'm going to try real hard not to get on a computer and truly rest, relax and simply enjoy my family. i hope everyone has a wonderful christmas and a incredible, hopeful new year. i'm excited to see what 2009 has in store!Â

thank you leah, for being such an amazing friend and for taking our family photos this year. Â love ya pal.

have you heard...

...of the elf on the shelf? i hadn't. until yesterday. and i'm in love with the idea and will own my own little elf on the shelf next year.

in case you don't want to read about it on the site...

it's an elf that gets placed out prior to christmas (maybe he arrives on thanksgiving or something like that) and during the holiday season, the elf watches the children by day and reports back to santa each night. when the children awake, the elf has returned from the north pole and can be found hiding in a different location.

just too good not to share. can't wait to start this tradition in my own house, when my kids are greeting by the elf thanksgiving morning. that gives me a little less than a year to figure out why the elf wasn't discovered until 2009.

while he's over there

your cell phone is in your pocket;he clutches the cross hanging on his chain next to his dog tags.

you walk down the beach, with family and friends; he patrols the streets, searching for terrorists.

you go out to lunch and complain because your food is taking too long; he eats whatever and whenever he can.

your housekeeper cleans your house and washes your clothes; he wears the same things for days, but makes sure his weapon is clean.

you go to the mall and get your hair done; he doesn't get a chance to brush his hair or teeth sometimes.

you hug and kiss the ones you love; he holds his letters close and waits for the next call or letter from home.

you get frustrated and angry with your kids; he gets a letter with pictures of his baby, who he's never met.

you criticize our government and say that war never solves anything; he sees the innocent killed and here's gunfire and bombs and remembers why he is there.

you are asked to do something you don't want to do and get mad; he does exactly as he's told to do even if it puts him in danger.

you hang out with your buddies and have fun; he prays that his buddies don't get injured and that he will see them again.

you crawl into your warm, soft bed and get comfortable; he tries to sleep but gets woken by mortars and helicopters all night long.

- adapted from an email chain i received the other day

i also received this photo the other day. Â steve isn't in it; however, these are guys that he's over in iraq with right now.

if anyone is interested in sending letters and/or care packages to the guys in iraq, feel free to email me and i can send you an address.

i heart all of these

some things that i've come to love. i adore her work so much. i think i could own every piece. there are possibilities for any one. possibilities for any room in your house. i'm going to create an inspiration wall in my house and one of her pieces will be on it.

because life is pretty darn amazing and i don't ever want to forget it, i love (and bought) this poster.

there's so many awesome pieces of inspirational jewelry on etsy. you can check out some here, here and here. they make such awesome gifts.

and then there's this bracelet, which not only looks awesome, it also has an amazing message and...the proceeds support a great cause.

her voice is beyond what i can even describe. angelic is the first word that comes to mind but you have to hear for yourself. she plays often in my house. soothes my soul.

more for my inspiration wall and gifts to others. i love her art so much. and her book.

and still more amazing work. i haven't bought a print yet, but i will soon...for the inspiration wall.

just discovered these shirts. oh...my...gosh...i heart them so.

in the spirit of giving, check out this amazing story. you never know what's possible if you dream big and go from there.

i don't have a coffee table right now but i do have this book and i love it so. when i do get a coffee table, *this book* will grace the center of the table and sit proudly for all to view and read. for now, it graces my bookshelf, reminding me daily of the wisdom of others, who have truly made an impact and made a difference. reminding me of what's possible.

i heart her. she not only followed her dream of being a photographer, she also took a greater leap and followed her dream of becoming a dog photographer. her work is amazing and i know she's going to be wickedly famous sometime soon. erin is the epitome of following your passion and your dream.

i love etsy so much. what could be better than sharing some handmade goodness this christmas? this year i bought a lot of my gifts from etsy, along with making some of my own gifts (calendars, greeting cards, etc.) to share with others. it feels so much better to give something i or someone else made versus something i went to the store and bought.

i cherish the beauty and power of a handwritten note so much and therefore, i am often looking and buying some sort of stationery product. right now i'm particularly loving letterpress products. i'm even thinking of doing letterpress business cards next year.

i adore these monsters and love the fact that the kids can design them themselves. however, i don't adore the fact that my dog already got to skyler's monster and put a hole in it. grrrr!

lastly (speaking of monsters), i so love skyler's homemade "good monsters" that she made to help protect ryder from the monsters that he says live in his walls and scare him.

i'll love you forever

i'll love you forever,i'll like you for always, as long as i'm living my babies you'll be. adapted from robert munsch's book, love you forever

my three and i, taken by my dear friend, shawn, this past weekend (thanks shawn...love ya pal).

my three... kiele: tweenish. smiling the way she thinks she's supposed to. my little mother hen. skyler: cute as can be, with the pigtails she begged to have for the photo. her happy, smiley self. ryder: sucking his thumb. a momma's boy. wearing the star wars shirt and tennies he begged to wear. me: a temporary single mom. missing steve. cherishing my three.

my three... they're growing up right before my eyes. no longer my babies, yet always my babies.

++++++

all three went to the dentist this past friday. ryder was the first one out and when i asked him how it went, he replied:

bad.

me: it went bad ryder? why? what happened? ryder: she said i have to stop sucking my thumb.

and he's taken it very seriously ever since. tonight was no exception. when it was time for bed, i laid down with him (as i always do...breaking that habit will come another day). ryder's thumb went in his mouth a few times and he'd say the same thing each time.

no sucking my thumbie.

and each time, with a determined, forceful yank, out came his thumb. at one point he told me that he wasn't going to be able to stop sucking his thumb. i told him he could and what a big boy he was...how proud i am of him for trying. and within minutes, he had fallen asleep, without sucking his thumb. this was the first time ever...falling asleep without his thumb. and a bittersweet moment for me. my last baby of my babies really is growing up. sigh.

if you're a parent and you haven't read love you forever, you must. in my opinion, it's a book every parent should have on the shelf.

finding the joy

there's a natural progression in the military, no matter what branch, no matter what job. to get command one day, there's things you have to do--qualifications, master's degree, deployments, etc. a couple days ago, steve got word that he did not make the next level (i'm not talking about rank, but kind of like getting a promotion to assistant manager) that is typically required to someday be a commander. he still has one more chance, but not making it this time was very disappointing and frustrating. everyone expected that steve would make it. his buddies too. and most of them did not. and no one can explain why? why they didn't and why a number of guys, who were not yet in the zone, did. it's frustrating when something like this happens, especially when you go into work at 5 AM, come home at 7 PM, work till 11 PM at home and basically work your ass off and give your all, each and every day. i don't expect there to be answers. that's not the way the military works. i am disappointed in the system, a system that i have always believed in. and i am beyond sad for steve, as i have never heard him so angry and disappointed, when we spoke on the phone the other day...and i know how fucking hard he's worked. it just doesn't make sense. i tell steve to keep believing. i email him words of hope and inspiration but at the moment, even i am having to force myself to keep believing. that maybe the path for commander isn't the path steve was ultimately meant to follow.

i want to hug him. talk to him. share with him. but instead, he sits somewhere here separated from his family, dwelling in disappointment, anger and frustration...trying to figure out why. not the holidays he anticipated for sure.

because i know that he reads my blog... i love you honey. i am proud of you. more than you'll ever know. you are the most amazing and hardworking man i have ever met. that board of a few people may not have realized it, while reading that one damn piece of paper, but all those who know you and surround you...we all know!

++++++

this morning, i watched this amazing girl's video. and i dream about doing such greatness. i dream that one day i will. maybe when we begin our sailing adventures, after steve retires? maybe we can sail and help...and give. i don't know how, when or where, but i will. i feel it in my soul, as i ache with the longing to help and help big. i shared the video with kiele this morning, hoping that i can inspire my children to see the greatness in what is possible. i will share with the little ones this afternoon and we will talk about what is possible, if you dream, follow your heart and work hard. someday i hope that my kids not only will ache with longingness to give and help. someday i hope that they will.

i promise...you will not regret taking the three minutes it takes to watch this incredible, young girl's video. and then you will want to go here and read more about her.

++++++

i'm working hard to get in the christmas spirit this year, to find the joy in it all. don't get me wrong, my kids bring me such great joy, it's unexplainable...but it's finding the joy in this holiday season. i did the things i'm supposed to do--bought a small tree, bought the poinsettias, decorated around the house, hung the stockings, but i did them all with this sense of numbness. i'm doing but not really feeling. because i want him

to be back home with us, and our family complete again. so i will continue to fight this battle, this battle of numbness.

today, i downloaded this christmas album, which i love, and i'm baking cookies. i'm trying! trying to get in the christmas spirit. trying to find the joy this holiday season brings.

tomorrow i'm hoping to share some of my favorite things this year. some things i love. some things that inspire me. some gifts i'm giving.

getting in on the giving

and giving is awesome. those who follow my blog regularly know how thankful i am. and how much i love to give. because giving is awesome. giving feels good.

well...there's this awesome giving thing going on right now amongst the photography community (started by kirsten kalp). so of course, yes, yes, yes--i want to participate (i've actually been thinking about doing something similar for a while now, so what better time than now).

here are some words about the program and what i'm giving:

know someone who's experienced a tragedy, is struggling to stay afloat, is raising kids while holding down more than one job, or is selflessly volunteering despite extenuating personal circumstances? know someone who cannot afford custom photography, but would so cherish it like no other? know someone who deserves a year-round reminder of their family's spirit, love and beauty?

NOMINATE THEM.

give them the chance to win over $1700 of custom photography. Â they will receive: a deb schwedhelm photography photo session all of the images displayed in their gallery on CD 1 - 8x10 1 -11x14

and...the person who nominates the winner will receive a $250 print credit on a future deb schwedhelm photography session.

rules: you cannot nominate yourself (however you can nominate one of your family members). the person nominated must sincerely have a story and be incapable of purchasing custom photography. the nominee must live around the san diego area. photo session must take place sometime between jan through jun 2009.

you MUSTÂ email the full story to deb@debsphotographs.com tell me who you're nominating, what they're experiencing and why you feel they deserve to win this (giving is) awesome custom photography package. if possible include a photo of your nominee (and their family). include contact information for both yourself and the nominee. and, please comment here (on this blog entry) to let me know you've entered and ensure my receipt of your email entry.

the winner will be announced january 1st, so please tell your friends, spread the word and get nominating.

and if you're not in the san diego area, click here to find a participating photographer in your area. there's over 112 participating photographers, with over $153,085 in photography giveaways.

opportunities

a pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.- winston churchill

i usually see myself as an optimist; however, lately, i've been pretty grumpy and a bit of a pessimist. christmas has basically thrown me over the edge. Â i've been stressed. Â i've been overwhelmed. Â i've fussed too much. Â but today, that was all about to change. and it all began with a phone call this morning, from a dear friend. we talk every day but today, as we were complaining to one another about being busy and the stressors of life, it hit me...

i have to stop this, i said. i have to stop complaining so much. it seems like that's all i've been doing lately.

yea, me too, she said.

and we made a pact to do our best to stop complaining. simple as that.

++++++

later in the day, during ryder's speech therapy, i thought it was the perfect time to run to the store, to get the six cans of frosting i signed up to bring to ryder's class tomorrow. there i was, standing behind a man in a security uniform, trying to make his purchase. he used one card. it didn't go through. tried his debit card and that didn't work either.

it is okay. i will put it back, the security guard said, in his rather shy, gentle voice.

and she did. the cashier began voiding his items and the man exited the store.Â

is that all he was getting. a soda and chips?

yea.

let me buy it for him.

hurry, so you can catch him.

i threw $5 at her, grabbed the chips and soda and ran after the man.

thank you. thank you, he said. you didn't have to do that.

i know. i wanted to. merry christmas.

and we went our separate ways. the cashier shared with me that the whole thing gave her the chills.

what you did was so kind. you know...that was probably his lunch. you're going to have a good day, she said.

being in that situation was meant to happen. Â to me. it was my opportunity; my choice. Â my days have been a bit difficult and this was my opportunity to begin to see things differently and break the cycle. Â i didn't necessarily realize it at that moment but i sure realized it the moment after. Â my day did a 180 because of that moment. because after that moment, all i could think about was good things...positive things and thoughts about what else i could do for someone else. it's a cycle--a feel good cycle. for them. for me.

++++++

and then i come home to this email:

Well, first perhaps I should blame you for the fact that my laundry isn't put away, the kitchen isn't tidied and I have no idea what to feed my kids for dinner...

But really what I mean to say is thank you. I started putzing around flickr this morning and found myself on your stream for the first time in ages (don't get much time for flickring anymore) and that lead me to your current blog, which lead me to your old blog, which lead me to your website - and there I spent most of my available time today, looking and reading and writing all those delicious quotes. Soaking in your images and your technique and your style and your words.

I'm feeling calmer than when I started, far more inspired than I was just this morning and more energetic and eager to pick up my camera and rediscover my own artistic vision than I have been in months and months.

I swear, reading your words that we just might be kindred spirits....we really should get to know each other better:)

So - thank you, you beautiful soul - you made my day.

(now, I only wish you could come and do my laundry).

seriously, does it get much better than that? nope. it doesn't. Â today was a really feel good day.

now off to drain the one inch puddle of water that's been sitting on the jeep floor since the last rain...a week or so ago (aye!). and then clean the volvo, which has been so severely neglected since steve's departure 1 1/2 months ago. and if i have time, i might even mow the lawn.

the cycle is broken. and it feels so good. Â

finding my place

the place to find is within yourself.- joseph campbell

photography is often a roller coaster, with many ups and downs. and today, i'm struggling. trying to figure out where my place is. i love what i do but i wonder...is this the artist i was meant to become? or is there something deeper that hasn't surfaced yet? have i given myself a fair chance to become? sometimes i get so wrapped up in client work and the business...i forget who i really am as an artist. or...having picked up a camera in jan 2006 and starting a business in jun 2006, focusing on client work, maybe i just don't know!

so with the close of this year's client sessions approaching, i will dedicate some time to searching my soul and trying to find myself, as an artist. it may not happen tomorrow. maybe not for months. or years. but i have to give it a chance. i have to search. i have to play. i have to shoot for me and only me.

in the end, one thing i know for sure...i was meant to be a photographer. Â now i just have to figure out the rest.

some may not understand this post but i imagine many will, as my friends and i often talk about this roller coaster. this roller coaster of being a photographer. of being an artist.

giving thanks

may your days be many and your troubles few.may many blessings descend upon you. may peace be within you and your heart be strong. may you find what you seek wherever you roam. - irish blessing

it's hard to believe it's thanksgiving today. the year has absolutely flown by and nothing is normal about the day. steve is in iraq. kiele is with her dad. it's the little ones and i. while we physically are not all together, steve and kiele are here with us in our hearts. we will share about them as we give thanks today. as we give thanks and celebrate our many, many blessings.

i found this wonderful article regarding how to be thankful: 1. pay attention to the people around you. everyone has something wrong or to complain about. look at those who aren't as fortunate are realize how blessed you are. 2. practice acceptance. stop dwelling on how things should be, what could have been or what you don't have. recognize what you do have and accept what you don't. 3. become a problem solver. get in the habit of asking yourself how you can turn a negative situation into something positive. 4. learn to see hardship as a chance to develop character. we all have hardships. handle and work through yours with grace. 5. develop a gratitude journal. 6. take joy in the small things. life's treasures. small pleasures. give thanks for each small gift you receive.

some things that we are thankful for...

skyler (age 5): my mommy. my daddy. kiele. ryder. charley. and seeing my daddy on the computer.

ryder (age 3): my family. rain. movies. snacks. football. charley bear. toys. books.

me: the love, support and friendship of my husband. my children and the joy and brightness they bring my life. my and my family's health. steve's safety. my friends. laughter. our abundance and ability to share food and clothing. the roof over our heads. the technology, which allows us to see and chat with steve, while he is serving in iraq. stability, during a time when the stability of so many is at risk. our freedom.

next year, i hope to volunteer somewhere on thanksgiving. together as a family. this is a huge goal of mine, to volunteer together...each doing a part. and no better time, to start our family's giving to those less fortunate, than thanksgiving.

happy, happy thanksgiving!

where dreams are born

so come with me, where dreams are born, and time is never planned. Â just think of happy things, and your heart will fly on wings, forever, in never, never land.- peter pan

last week, i was contacted by kiele's cochlear implant company, asking me if i would be interested in sharing kiele's story with the company. i didn't look at my calendar. i didn't think about it for a second. i jumped at the opportunity.

of course, i'd be honored to, i told gabriele.

so tomorrow, i present kiele's [hearing loss/cochlear implant] story to advanced bionics. an hour long presentation, presented to both their CA facilities, sylmar and valencia. it's such an amazing opportunity. an opportunity to share--our story, the challenges, kiele's successes and my appreciation. it truly has been such a journey; i get teary just thinking about it. and i am grateful beyond words for this gift that kiele has been given--this gift to hear again, after a progressive hearing loss.

while preparing for the presentation, i was going through old documents and found this one that i had written in 2003--a synopsis of kiele's hearing loss journey:

Kiele is six years old and completely oral. She was diagnosed with a hearing loss at age three, although most likely present at birth. At four months old, I thought Kiele was deaf (not responding to sounds). She had an ABR done, which she failed but they said it was b/c she was not completely asleep. She soon began to respond to sounds and soon the potential for hearing loss was forgotten. At age three, one of the pediatric nurse practitioners that I worked with (I'm an RN) asked me if I thought K was speaking OK. I told her that I thought so, she was meeting all the landmarks, etc. although I had noticed that she dropped end consanants (milk was "mew", cat was "ca"). The PNP referred us for a speech eval just to make sure. Kiele passed the speech eval, the SLP said that yes, she was dropping end consanants but he thought she would speak them with a little more time. Next came the audiogram as part of the speech eval, which she failed and failed again and failed again. We were immediately referred to the AZ school for deaf/blind, where she got reassessed (and failed) and then got loaner hearing aids. Kiele's hearing loss is a sensorineural hearing loss (moderate sharply sloping to profound), which has rapidly progressed since initial diagnosis. Although we do not know for sure why Kiele is hearing impaired, our thought is that it might be due to primary CMV infection while pregnant with her...no way of knowing for sure b/c she appeared completly healthy at birth (not tested for CMV...no idea). Based on Kiele's audiogram, she has been determined to be a "borderline candidate" due to the fact that she is hanging on to some low pitched hearing (at the 250 and 500 frequencies, she is at 50 and 60 dB...the rest of the audiogram is at severe and profound thresholds). They are putting Kiele through the entire candidacy program to determine if they will implant her or not. Kiele loses about 10 dB of hearing at one or two frequencies every couple months...that seems to be the trend. Three years ago, Kiele's best hearing was at 20 dB and worst at 70 dB...now best is 50 dB and worst is 110 dB.

Kiele began with digital hearing aids and did well with them until about a year ago, at which time she was not getting any benefit from them with the high-pitched sounds. She now wears AVRs, which use frequency transposition. She actually does quite well with them considering her hearing loss. She also is very good at reading lips and "putting the puzzles together".

The thing that is difficult for me is that it seems that in a sense Kiele gets punished for being so intelligent and doing so well with her struggling, so she is forced to continue to struggle when the technology is there that would allow her to excel and not to struggle. So many things are difficult for her in every day life but she adapts and struggles through them so well. They look at her audiogram, which is done in a completely quiet sound booth, and they note that Kiele is doing so well with her aids. Well, they don't see her at school, not being able to hear her teacher or peers at times and having to rely on cues from peers. They don't see her playing with other children and not hearing them, only being able to focus on one friend and often not wanting to play when there is a group. They don't see her watching television and not know what is going on. It is things like this that frustrate me so much. Yes, Kiele is holding her own with her aids; however, how much better could/would Kiele do with a CI!!!! It breaks my heart that I have to sit back, watch her struggle, and wait for her to lose a tad bit more hearing. Academically, this is the prime time in Kiele's life and even though she is smart enough to probably breeze through it, b/c of her hearing loss, she has to struggle through it. We have made the decision to put K in a Deaf/HOH program (19 children, preK through 5th grade, in the program) for the first grade b/c she is missing too much in the mainstreamed program. I am very wishy-washy about this decision b/c they are ASL (Kiele is completely oral) and so now there will be an additional learning focus (ASL), when there are already so many things a first grader has to learn/master. Additionally, I am hoping that they start a reading group as they said they would b/c Kiele needs to learn to read like a hearing child would vs. how a deaf child would learn to read. They promised this same thing last year but did not follow through. If Kiele was to be implanted, I could easily keep her in the mainstreamed program.

it's very emotional for me to read the above words, as it was such a tough time. a time where kiele having a cochlear implant was only a dream of mine.

never stop dreaming. never stop believing.