there's a natural progression in the military, no matter what branch, no matter what job. to get command one day, there's things you have to do--qualifications, master's degree, deployments, etc. a couple days ago, steve got word that he did not make the next level (i'm not talking about rank, but kind of like getting a promotion to assistant manager) that is typically required to someday be a commander. he still has one more chance, but not making it this time was very disappointing and frustrating. everyone expected that steve would make it. his buddies too. and most of them did not. and no one can explain why? why they didn't and why a number of guys, who were not yet in the zone, did. it's frustrating when something like this happens, especially when you go into work at 5 AM, come home at 7 PM, work till 11 PM at home and basically work your ass off and give your all, each and every day. i don't expect there to be answers. that's not the way the military works. i am disappointed in the system, a system that i have always believed in. and i am beyond sad for steve, as i have never heard him so angry and disappointed, when we spoke on the phone the other day...and i know how fucking hard he's worked. it just doesn't make sense. i tell steve to keep believing. i email him words of hope and inspiration but at the moment, even i am having to force myself to keep believing. that maybe the path for commander isn't the path steve was ultimately meant to follow.

i want to hug him. talk to him. share with him. but instead, he sits somewhere here separated from his family, dwelling in disappointment, anger and frustration...trying to figure out why. not the holidays he anticipated for sure.

because i know that he reads my blog... i love you honey. i am proud of you. more than you'll ever know. you are the most amazing and hardworking man i have ever met. that board of a few people may not have realized it, while reading that one damn piece of paper, but all those who know you and surround you...we all know!

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this morning, i watched this amazing girl's video. and i dream about doing such greatness. i dream that one day i will. maybe when we begin our sailing adventures, after steve retires? maybe we can sail and help...and give. i don't know how, when or where, but i will. i feel it in my soul, as i ache with the longing to help and help big. i shared the video with kiele this morning, hoping that i can inspire my children to see the greatness in what is possible. i will share with the little ones this afternoon and we will talk about what is possible, if you dream, follow your heart and work hard. someday i hope that my kids not only will ache with longingness to give and help. someday i hope that they will.

i promise...you will not regret taking the three minutes it takes to watch this incredible, young girl's video. and then you will want to go here and read more about her.

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i'm working hard to get in the christmas spirit this year, to find the joy in it all. don't get me wrong, my kids bring me such great joy, it's unexplainable...but it's finding the joy in this holiday season. i did the things i'm supposed to do--bought a small tree, bought the poinsettias, decorated around the house, hung the stockings, but i did them all with this sense of numbness. i'm doing but not really feeling. because i want him

to be back home with us, and our family complete again. so i will continue to fight this battle, this battle of numbness.

today, i downloaded this christmas album, which i love, and i'm baking cookies. i'm trying! trying to get in the christmas spirit. trying to find the joy this holiday season brings.

tomorrow i'm hoping to share some of my favorite things this year. some things i love. some things that inspire me. some gifts i'm giving.