inspiring another circle

when we focus our energy towards constructing a passionate, meaningful life, we are tossing a pebble ripple effect of inspiration. Â when one person follows a dream, tries something new or takes a daring leap, everyone nearby feels that energy, and before too long they are making their own daring leaps and inspiring yet another circle.- christine mason miller

i found the most wonderful blog today, which led me to the most amazing, inspiring website...that of christine mason miller.

i looked. i read. i dreamt. i believed. i longed.

after spending quite a while looking at her work for sale on etsy, i emailed her to tell her how amazing her work is. then i went back to her website and looked more and came to her inspiration page, which has the quote above. i read her words and immmediately thought, you are doing that. you are living and breathing your words, inspiring others. your work is creating the ripple effect of inspiration that you speak of.

i can't even put into words how much these women inspire me. someday i hope to be with them. to sit in the the same room with them and feel their presence, goodness and energy fill my soul. just thinking about it makes me want to burst. i'm nowhere near where i believe i will someday be. i'm not sure where that is or what i will be doing but it's something greater, for sure. greater than even i realize. someday. someday.

Â

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sex and monsters

tonight was friday pizza night at the schwedhelm house and the following transpired at the dinner table... me: kiele, how was school today? kiele: it was fine. Â mrs boller [6th grade science teacher, currently teaching the family health unit] said that you have to talk to me about sex? me: oh really? kiele: i wasn't going to tell you but since you asked me how was school today, i thought i better, so i don't get in trouble. me: you learned all about sex, huh? Â did you also learn things like you can't get diseases from kissing and stuff like that? kiele: you can get a disease from kissing? me: no you can't. kiele: yes. you can!! Â that one disease...the love disease. me: Â what love disease can you get from kissing? kiele: you know...that disease where you fall in love [said with a grimacing look of disgust]...the love disease.

all the time we're talking, skyler, in the peanut gallery, is screaming: sex? what's sex. i want to know about sex. Â what's a period? Â a baby? Â how is a baby made?

OH MY GOSH!

and the conversation didn't stop there. it went on and on. kiele informed me that she's not happy about having to have a period someday and she's not using that stick thing. skyler informed me that she knew what a real live period was...the dot at the end of a sentence.

i couldn't stop laughing, in the best way, of course b/c i still had not had the talks with kiele. now...now i've not only had all the talks (i've been waiting for the right time to have) with kiele, i've had the talks with skyler and ryder too. and at the rate sky is going, she might need the talks first.

++++++

and ryder. i'm not quite sure what to do with him as he is convinced that monsters live in his bedroom walls. it's to the point that he is scared to walk near his room. when he's in trouble (e.g. when he is outside, sitting on the grass, crying about something his sisters did and won't come in), sometimes, he'll have to go in his room as part of his discipline. well, he now covers his ears and screams about the monsters, as i put him in his room. he actually begins covering his ears as tight as he possibly can on the way to his bedroom and screams,

no mommy. no. not my room.

someone had recommended monster spray. i tried it for a couple weeks but it didn't work. not one bit. he remains terrified. i'm not quite sure what to do about the whole thing. and needless to say, ryder still sleeps in my bed; he basically always has...and this monster deal hasn't resulted out of my trying to get him sleep in his own bed. i wasn't going to tackle that until it was closer to steve getting home.

and here he is. Â my boy, as an indian, vest, drum and all. Â taken yesterday for daddy, at ryder's preschool thanksgiving performance. this is his new way of smiling for the camera. aye. the smile of a photographer's child.

++++++

today was a better day, although kiele and i are still not feeling well. today, i spent a lot of time with the kids and yet, i was still able to knock out a couple lingering things off my to-do list. Â

o christmas tree

having a positive mental attitude is asking how something can be done rather than saying it can't be done.- bo bennett as if i didn't already know, my body screamed at me yesterday, informing me that i'm not handling my stress very well. fever blisters sprouted one by one across my entire top lip and i feel like crap. one fever blister is bad; three is ridiculous. i've gotten fever blisters since i was a young child, but i don't ever remember having them quite this bad.

i have... photos, photos and more photos to edit prints to package books to design DVDs to burn care packages to package and send greeting cards to put together a cochlear implant presentation to create and present twice next week thanksgiving parties to prepare for kiele's book to scan for various publishers to review a magazine cover photo to shoot (i haven't even begun to think about christmas presents) and every day life.

yep, i'm just slightly overwhelmed and a tad bit stressed. when i'm not on top of the things i have to do, i get stressed. i'm not one to cry easy and tears have been shed, on more than one occasion now. it's just hard. so i'm thinking, journaling and...hoping. hoping that i can take a deep breath and look at things with a better, more relaxed attitude and realize that i will get through this really busy time and i'll get through it with a smile on my face. i will.

++++++ why o christmas tree? well...

there's this awesome website where you can donate $25, for a two foot tall christmas tree to be delivered to a military member serving in iraq or afghanistan. if you know a service member serving in iraq or afghanistan, you can enter his/her address and the christmas tree will be delivered to them, but you don't need to know someone to participate. please, please check out the website and consider donating a christmas tree to those who are serving our country and cannot be with us during these holidays. my tree is bought.

now back to editing. :-)

driven

running has given me the courage to start, the determination to keep trying, and the childlike spirit to have fun along the way. run often and run long, but never outrun your joy of running.- julie isphording, winner of the 1990 LA marathon

we had to be there at 10 AM. for our 12 PM 5K san diego mud run today. the sun was shining bright. not a cloud in the sky. a sweltering 90 degrees. the pacific beach babes (shawn, me and adrienne) were ready, ready to do our first official run together, after having picked up walking / running about 2 1/2 months ago. we were excited, nervous, scared...you name it, all wrapped up inside, precisely placed as a knot in our stomachs.

and then, at 12:10 PM, the whistle blew and the herd of people began to run. it wasn't long before we hit our first giant puddle of mud, to our knees and sometimes to our waist. we each had our own methods of getting through. mine...i decided to try and run through the mud, as i would sink into the mud less. that worked until i biffed and scraped my entire right shin coming out of one of the puddles. blood dripped down my leg and my leg stung like crazy but the running continued until...we got to the damn biggest hill i've ever climbed in my life. steep and big. no, it was huge. most of us walked up the hill. some of the crazy (i mean amazing) people actually ran. once at the top of the hill, it was back to running. 20 puddles, a few haystacks to climb over, a tunnel to crawl through, a hill to slide down, a wall to climb over and flags to swim under and we were done. i was beat. i was excited. i was proud. my first 5K. done!

we finished around 1:15 PM and kiele wasn't feel well (from the heat) so we left without my taking a shower or cleaning up in any way. i took off my shoes, put on the junk dress i had brought, slipped off my shorts, put on my flip-flops and i was ready to go. and it was on to the rest of our day. and that, the rest of our day, continued to race through my head. how was i going to get done everything i needed to do?

++++++

kiele has to bring a decorated potato to school tomorrow, for her family life class. we needed things--googly eyes, felt, pom-poms, etc. we had to decorate a potato as a baby, to include such things as a diaper and bed. i also had a 3 PM shoot and a military wives thanksgiving get-together to attend, after my shoot. that meant i had to keep moving, muddy and all. we went to michaels, then to mcdonalds and back home.

holy crap. it's 2:25 PM and i have to shoot in 30 minutes.

i called my client to see if we could begin the shoot a bit later but they were already out the door. i apologized that i was still muddy and told them i'd see them at 3 PM. luckily, the client and i are friends. i did the shoot, went back home, picked up the kids and we were quickly off to the thanksgiving get-together. yep, still dried mud and all. after the get-together, it was time to actually purchase the baby / potato, along with some much needed coffee and creamer). finally home at 7 PM and longing to shower and...steve rings.

++++++

it's always so awesome to chat with steve, but it's also very emotional. hard. and today was exceptionally hard as it's our six year anniversary. i really miss his touch. i long for his hug. steve continues to do well and is enjoying his time in iraq. that makes me happy. if he's going to have to deploy, he might as well be doing a mission that he enjoys. i am thankful that he is.

7:45 PM and i was finally able to shower. YAY!

it's now almost 11 PM and i'm absolutely exhausted and drained. off to bed, for some much needed rest.

stillness amongst chaos

in the midst of movement and chaos, keep stillness inside of you.- deepak chopra

movement and chaos seems to be the current story of my life. and to be honest, i think a lot of it is self-imposed. i'm just that way. always have been. i like to be busy. i'm kind of like a bee, buzzing all around as fast as i can, seeing how many flowers i can pollinate (or jobs i can accomplish). Â yep, just that way. in saying that, i do seek that inner stillness, to try and keep my soul balanced. i am a libra, you know.

and today, well...it's my anniversary today. steve left a month ago today. happy anniversary to the kids and i, as we're now one month closer to his return home (six months to go). and i can't wait. i miss him more and more with each passing day.

i did get to IM with steve today (skype audio wasn't working well). it was great to talk with him. it was great to see him.

++++++

not sure how many people read prior posted comments so i wanted to share steve's comment on my previous blog post.

I am so lucky to have such an amazing partner in life. I miss being home and being able to help, but we are doing great here in Iraq on a daily basis. It is an honor to work with so many amazing Americans here making a true impact on the people of Iraq and it is a pleasure to have so many people at home concerned about our well being.

oh...i so love that man. Â just had to say that.

i have always known that steve keeps up with me a bit through my blog. it's my way of journaling my thoughts and feelings and he knows that. believe it or not, i'm not a very good communicator in person. something i have always had a problem with and continue to strive for...being a good communicator, that is. steve has figured out that i communicate through my blog, so he reads. Â maybe one day, i'll be a better communicator in person. Â

++++++

i didn't get to run today because kiele had a cochlear implant appointment; her processor broke and she wasn't hearing right. but wednesday, i ran 4 1/2 miles and walked 1/2 mile, when my knee started bothering me. i was a bit bummed because i so wanted to run a full five.

and this sunday, i'm doing the san diego mud run. bib 485. yep, running three miles through the mud. over walls. under ropes. through the muddy water. i'm doing it. my first official run. woo hoo. the pacific beach babes...we're all doing the run (minus one, who is pregnant, but her excuse is legit).

oh and i downloaded 30 or so new itunes the other day. mostly 70s rock. you know... my sharona (the knack) any way you want it (journey) renegade (styx)

okay, so i did throw in a couple others like... sexy back (justin timberlake) trees (marty casey) the man who sold the world (nirvana).

they're all now loaded into a running playlist. Â music i run with. Â music i love.

honoring those who served

valor is a gift.valor is stability of the soul. in valor, there is hope. - author unknown

happy veterans day to those who have served and who are currently serving. Â and in honoring our veterans, i also want to recognize and honor the women (and men) who are left behind during times of deployment.

a military wives prayer

at night when i crawl in bed, my lonely pillow 'neath my head, i close my eyes and say a prayer. God keep him safe way over there, and make me strong so i won't cry.

it's kinda hard to be alone and teach the kids when they're half grown, without the strength of a father's hand to guide them in this troubled land.

so i'll need a little help from you, to let me know what i should do. and God please will you let him know, how much we love and miss him so.

and then i feel across the bed, to where he used to lay his head, and i close my eyes very tight, so i won't cry tonight, and whisper in to the evening air, goodnight my darling way over there. - author unknown

i miss your support. i miss your strength. i miss your friendship. i miss your touch. i miss your warmth. i miss your love. i miss you. i am proud of you!

Â

and from president bush, who offers a veterans day proclamation:

On Veterans Day, we pay tribute to the service and sacrifice of the men and women who, in defense of our freedom, have bravely worn the uniform of the United States.

From the fields and forests of war-torn Europe to the jungles of Southeast Asia, from the deserts of Iraq to the mountains of Afghanistan, brave patriots have protected our Nation's ideals, rescued millions from tyranny, and helped spread freedom around the globe. America's veterans answered the call when asked to protect our Nation from some of the most brutal and ruthless tyrants, terrorists, and militaries the world has ever known. They stood tall in the face of grave danger and enabled our Nation to become the greatest force for freedom in human history. Members of the Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines, and Coast Guard have answered a high calling to serve and have helped secure America at every turn.

Our country is forever indebted to our veterans for their quiet courage and exemplary service. We also remember and honor those who laid down their lives in freedom's defense. These brave men and women made the ultimate sacrifice for our benefit. On Veterans Day, we remember these heroes for their valor, their loyalty, and their dedication. Their selfless sacrifices continue to inspire us today as we work to advance peace and extend freedom around the world.

With respect for and in recognition of the contributions our service members have made to the cause of peace and freedom around the world, the Congress has provided (5 U.S.C. 6103(a)) that November 11 of each year shall be set aside as a legal public holiday to honor America's veterans.

NOW, THEREFORE, I, GEORGE W. BUSH, President of the United States of America, do hereby proclaim November 11, 2008, as Veterans Day and urge all Americans to observe November 9 through November 15, 2008, as National Veterans Awareness Week. I encourage all Americans to recognize the bravery and sacrifice of our veterans through ceremonies and prayers. I call upon Federal, State, and local officials to display the flag of the United States and to support and participate in patriotic activities in their communities. I invite civic and fraternal organizations, places of worship, schools, businesses, unions, and the media to support this national observance with commemorative expressions and programs.

IN WITNESS WHEREOF, I have hereunto set my hand this thirty-first day of October, in the year of our Lord two thousand eight, and of the Independence of the United States of America the two hundred and thirty-third. GEORGE W. BUSH

Â

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harness the wind

if the winds of fortune are temporarily blowing against you, remember that you can harness them and make them carry you toward your definite purpose, through the use of your imagination.- napoleon hill

and the winds were blowing strong at my house this past saturday. most days i do pretty well. not saturday. saturday had me in tears...a few times. before 8 AM that day... ryder bit sky for sitting in his seat sky wouldn't stop whining ryder wouldn't stop throwing fits (the jumping up and down, drive-you-crazy kind of fits) the little ones wouldn't stop arguing i spilled my cup of coffee everywhere i stepped in a pile of dog crap i kept thinking about having to mow the lawn that should have been mowed the previous week the house was a mess and the laundry seemed to have learned to procreate on its own.

while being a temporary single mom, i surely had temporarily lost control of my household and my kids. thank goodness that a birthday party was in the plans and my friend had offered to take my little ones there, with her kids (have i mentioned how much i cherish my friends). so the little ones left and kiele and i spent time together working on the yard. believe it or not, we actually enjoyed it. she and i. alone. sharing time and working as a team, to cover the chores that steve previously claimed as his. and by the time the little ones returned, after a full day of playing with friends, everyone was back to normal--well-behaved and happy.

i can't really explain what had happened saturday morning. i typically pride myself in having well-behaved kids and i was at a loss as to why they were behaving so badly that morning. but my thought is that it's part of the adjustment of daddy being gone. we had skyped with steve friday evening and maybe that factored into the little ones acting out saturday morning. maybe they were sad? or angry? angry that daddy is gone and they don't have the words to express their feelings. or maybe they were just testing? i don't know. i just don't know.

the military tries to prepare us for the deployment with meetings, presentations, pamphlets, resources, etc. but i'm not sure anyone ever fully could. especially the kids. seven months without daddy is simply damn difficult...and no one can prepare a three and five year old for that. no matter how hard i or anyone else tries.

sunday was a better day.

time to hear

if my mind can conceive it,and my heart can believe it, i know i can achieve it. - jesse jackson

Time to Hear. Â that is the name of the book she wrote, for her 6th grade english class assignment. i had a number of teachers suggest that i work on getting kiele's book published, with kiele's deaf itinerant basically insisting on it. so that is now what i'm working on. i've already been in contact with someone, who is going to pitch kiele's book to a publisher.

sorry for the crappy scan of the book; i had the scanner set on color smoothing so it jacked up all kiele's pictures. i plan to rescan once she gets the book back.Â

i can't even begin to express how very proud i am of kiele. Â she amazes me each and every day, with her grace, beauty, intelligence, maturity and immense amount of kindness. Â

Â

be yourself

be yourself. above all, let who you are, what you are what you believe, shine through every sentence you write, every piece you finish.- john jakes

etsy makes me happy. actually, i'm rather obsessed with etsy at the moment. Â and i might just go broke. Â aye! Â but seriously...

i had to blog about etsy because i recently discovered that one of my friends had never heard of etsy. Â everyone should know about etsy. Â if you haven't heard of etsy, it's the most wonderful place to find anything and everything handmade. Â and i tell ya, there is some amazing stuff on there.

my recent addiction is stationery products. i really love stationery as i so appreciate a handwritten note. Â with the ease of email today, to receive a handwritten note is pretty darn special (at least in my book). but i've also bought some jewelry and artwork on etsy too.

two of my newfound stationery favs: http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=536393 http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=6146270

i'm even toying with the idea of selling some prints and photo greeting cards on etsy.  maybe in the new year. we'll see.

and i love what a friend of mine did on her blog, when she asked... have a favorite etsy shop or two? leave me a link in a comment. i'd love to take a look because my etsy addiction has only just begun. and really, who needs to go christmas shopping in a store, when you have etsy ;-)

and a shot from today. a happy day cupcake.

history

all photographs are there to remind us what we forget--as in other way--they are the opposite of paintings. paintings record what the painter remembers. because each one of us forgets different things, a photo more than a painting may change its meaning according to who is looking at t.- john berger, b. 1926

as i was looking for a quote for today's post, i came across the above quote above and i found it interesting because one of things that i often think about is a photograph's role in history. political history. family history. whatever history.

digital cameras and even photoshop play such a role in today's photography. is the photograph that we're seeing what was truly captured on camera? chances are probably not. and then you see the news photographs, where it's obvious that they did a shitty photoshop job. even in the most recent issue of W magazine, there was a spread of photographs of angelina jolie was shared, taken by none other than brad pitt. the photos looked like film and were awesome (you should check out the magazine) but the thought crossed my mind--is that how they came out of the camera? was the final presented image what brad had intended. my guess is that it's not. my guess is that the exposure was corrected and the images were cropped, some to a greater extent than others. but i tell you, the images make brad pitt look like a damn great photographer. Â

our photographs of today will be shared with our generations of tomorrow, yet we are deciding in a huge way, what is presented to our generations. the question is, will it be an accurate presentation.

for example--i could put things in a photo that were never really there? i could make a person look 10 pounds thinner and 10 years younger or even remove all wrinkles all together. i could change the color of someone's shirt (which i actually did for the cover of military spouse magazine). and how many times do we delete photos we've taken of our family and friends just because we didn't like it (not because it was a grossly bad photograph). we keep the ones we choose to keep. we are choosing and creating what we share. only the good ones? only the ones where X looks good? what has happened to sharing the reality of the every day as it actually happened? as i share these thoughts, i'm guilty of this myself.

and i'm sure to some extent, the purging of bad photographs happened in the past, with film cameras, but my guess is that it didn't happen nearly as much and one purged for different reasons (at least i know that's how it was for me). of course, we didn't take as many photographs with film cameras either.

i don't know. i just think that our photographs of today could in some way be altering our history of tomorrow instead of representing things as they actually were. what do you think?

++++++

and here's to hope for tomorrow.

what a day yesterday was! we are living through quite the news stories, aren't we?! history in the making. i was excited for obama and sad for mccain. i'm kind of wimpy that way, for anyone that publicly loses. obama is entering office at a tough time--let's hope that he remains as strong and inspiring as he is today. he's offered us dreams of hope and change; now lets see him put those dreams into action and move america in a positive direction. what a year this next year is going to be.

++++++

we got to speak with steve the other day and he is safe and doing well. he's extremely busy but enjoying his time over there. and i'm happy that he is. i mean if he has to deploy, he might as well be enjoying himself. Â for those of you that don't know, steve is an explosive ordnance disposal officer and is currently deployed in iraq.

us...well, it depends on the day you ask me. many days, i would tell you that we're doing great. but then some days, i feel overwhelmed, drained and frustrated having to do everything by myself. the past couple of days have been the latter. yesterday was one of those days that i fussed at my kids too much and was mad at myself that i did. but this morning, i woke up energized for a better day.

here's an unclassified shot of steve, in iraq, at their change of command ceremony (obviously this is not a photo i took). Â the guys that steve's group is replacing had been there for 15 long months. Â i have it good, with steve ONLY being gone seven months.

i voted

in times of stress and strain, people will vote. - author unknown.

did you? let's hope so.

i don't care who you voted for; i just care that you voted. Â as americans, it's our duty...and a privilege. here in san diego, polling places are everywhere. Â just get out there...and vote!Â

do the best at this moment

doing the best at this moment puts you in the best place for the next moment. - oprah winfrey

i'm posting to hopefully psych myself up, in a positive direction, about my week ahead. Â i think it's those little unanticipated things that squeeze into my week that push me to that stressful edge. it's...

the hearing aid that is not functioning properly and requires a last minute audiology appointment that happens to interfere with my picking up skyler from school.

that make up gymnastics class and sky's evaluation, which of course are on different days, making gymnastics every day this week.

the creation of a book with kiele, for her english class, that has to be bound and turned in on friday (and she's just as much of a perfectionist as i).

and i had the nerve to sign up for a military spouse's club get-together one evening this week. Â am i kidding myself? Â there is no way in hell i'm going to be making that.

it's these things, that when added to the everyday things that make me stress. so while my stomach is sick and my mind is in a fury trying to figure out how i'm going to get everything done, i will try and heed oprah's advice and do my best at this moment because really, that's all i can do. that and...take a deep breath and chill because in the end, i know i'll get it all done and be just fine. :-)

Â

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real life superheroes

anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. but to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart...that's true strength. - author unkown

an eight year old boy, who just went through a liver and bowel transplant.

a two month old, who has the most terrible colic.

a three year old, who tolerates everything with joy and a smile on his face.

a family, who was displaced from their home, to endure 100 days in the hospital.

a man and woman, who are so grounded, genuine and kind and holding it together with grace.

they are...a family, full of real life superheroes.

it's knowing families like this one, the mikulak family, the sandstrom family...that bring inspiration into my life.  they amaze me. they bring me strength and courage. and it's families like these that i think about when i start to feel sorry for myself.  sure, suddenly becoming a single mom of three has it's own challenges, but 1) it's temporary and 2) it's nothing compared to what so many other families are enduring.

working to keep things in perspective.

and hey, who's that penguin in our photo session at the beach? Â lol.

adjusting my sails

i can't change the direction of the wind, but i can adjust my sails to always read my destination. - jimmy dean

first, happy belated halloween. Â the kids had such a great evening trick or treating with friends. and if you haven't noticed the photo below, my angelic child...well, she was none other than the grim reaper. Â four months ago, we made an agreement that she would be a 50s girl. at the end of 5th grade, the kids put on a musical and i told kiele that if i bought her all the bits and pieces pieces for her 50s costume ($100+), she was going to have to be a 50s girl for halloween. she agreed. fast forward to about a month ago and she was telling me that she didn't want to be a dumb 50s girl and begging me to let her to be a ghoul.

really? why?Â

i don't know. i just want to.

and so, the night before halloween, we ventured out and bought the last grim reaper costume (it just happened to her size, at target.  in the end, kiele said, next year, i think i'll be a princess. i just found the whole thing funny. and ryder...he woke up in the middle of the night last night, to go pee. and then stood by my bed, telling me he couldn't go back into bed because there was a biting baby in there. i think halloween got the best of him. i did finally get him back into bed, but it took a while (he was convinced the biting baby was there).

now on to today. so...it wasn't the best of days.  and i don't just mean busy.  i had reached my max, at least for a temporary period, this morning.  my max in multi-tasking (and i consider myself a pretty darn good multi-tasker).  and my max for toleration.  i had a shoot to get ready for, a bear chair to transfer to the buyer, a birthday party to get the kids ready for and then my kids wouldn't stop whining, crying and fussing. i still hadn't showered and my client called, to let me know they were 15 minutes away. all of a sudden, it hit me like a train. a train going full speed. WHAM. i had a little outburst and my kids were quickly quieted. they, too, then realized i was at my max. i got over it but it took a while to shake.  for a bit, i was on the verge of tears. it was just one of those days.

but it is during these days that i continue to remind myself how lucky i am. we all have bad days. today just happened to be one of mine. especially during a day like today, i remind myself over and over again of all the things i have to be grateful for. i guess it's my little way of adjusting my sails and setting myself in the right direction, to get through the rough seas.

ETA:

i'm embarrassed. i'm embarrassed that i let things get to me. that i lost it. i received an email from my client today, right after posting this blog entry. part of her email is as follows:

Thank you so much for today. On a hard day for you and a hard day for us, I'm so grateful we were just able to make it work. On days like today I feel like a shell of who I am. I seriously just want to lay down in a fetal position at the end of today and put up the white flag.  Jill fell asleep all the way as we drove away and stayed asleep 'til we got to Doug's grandma's. But we stayed too long and she ended up screaming. We went to get in the car (as she's crying) and Doug realizes that he forgot to hook Mike up to IV hydration and back on to feeds. So he starts working on them while I get her BACK out of the car screaming and just walk her up and down the street. Then I hear Chris from the back seat "MOMMY... my tummy really hurts". I look at him and, sure enough, his face is completely pale which always means he is going to vomit. His pink little lips go all the way white! So Doug grabbed him out of the car just in time to vomit everywhere.  Jill is screaming in my arms so I can't help. Then Mike gets out of the car and vomits as well. All the while Mike's pumps are beeping in the back of the car. HOLY CRAP!!!Â

after reading the above client's email, i should have blogged about what a glorious day i had today. really, <whacking myself on the back of the head> i should have known better. Â what do i have to have a meltdown about? seriously...not a damn thing. Â my life is glorious. Â thanks S for helping me get my sails set right.

* names in the above were changed, to protect their identities.

use your imagination

limitations live only in our minds...if we use our imaginations, our possibilities become endless. - jamie paolinetti

taken today. drawn today. looks just like me, right?!

today was a better day...well at least a productive day. Â that makes it better, right? i think so.

my day started out with my breaking my damn toe, when i jammed it against the leg of my office chair. then...i dropped off kids at school. did laundry. did a mail run. met a local framer, who wants to display my work (yay!) unloaded suitcases, from the weekend. did more laundry. grocery shopped. picked up ryder. cleaned the bedrooms and kitchen. yet, more laundry. dropped off business paperwork to book keeper. picked up sky. made dinner. cancelled dentist appointments for the three kids because of kiele's conflicting audiology appointment, only to find out today that the audiologist needs a referral, so she can't see kiele tomorrow (aye!). cooked a big dinner (which no one liked or ate).  did even more laundry (will it ever end). helped with homework for two. read books. gave baths. wondered where my husband is and why we haven't heard from him. and now...finally, i sit at my computer and am getting ready to edit photos and work on client orders.  all in a day.  and yes, besides the broken toe part, today was a better day. looking forward to tomorrow.

++++++

i've now really come to look forward to my runs every monday, wednesday and friday. i never thought i'd say that. never. i'm up to four miles (about a 9:30 - 9:50 pace) and feeling pretty good. nope, not that good. Â not good enough to add on more mileage quite yet. i've also excitedly said that i would commit to participating in the hood to coast relay: the mother of all relays (if our group is one of the ones chosen via lottery).

i keep sharing about my running ventures because i never thought i could do it. and i am. you can too. start out slow. do it right. if you haven't worked out in forever (like i hadn't), don't go out and try to run three miles right away; let your body get used to working out again. and i wholeheartedly believe that it's so good for you. not only your body, but also your mind and soul. it's a time for decompression, for cleansing. if you can't run, walk. or do any form of exercise you enjoy. do it for you. do it for your family. you need that you time.

oh yea, that damn broken toe. Â tomorrow should be interesting.

++++++

no new news on steve. i haven't heard from him. i'm assuming that he went somewhere and is away from his regular room, but i really  have no idea.Â

our days (see above) are so busy that they go by really quick. right now isn't too hard, as i think the pre-deployment work-up time away kind of prepared us for the ultimate separation. i know...some days will be tougher than others, but for now, i can honestly say that we're all doing okay. i'm grateful for each and every day, as it is another day closer to us being a complete family again.Â

Â

suck up and be nice

maybe you don't like your job, maybe you didn't get enough sleep. well nobody likes their job, nobody gets enough sleep. maybe you just had the worst day of your life, but you know...there's no escape, there's no excuse. so just suck up and be nice. - ani difranco

that's how i felt today. Â episode after episode and there was no escaping my bad day. Â i would like to say that at least i was nice, but kiele's audiologist's receptionist would probably say that i was lying (sorry for being so grumpy dianna). so let's just settle with the fact that today was one of those days--one of those days, where i had to joke and laugh about, or i might just cry. Â

i was going to vent and share the every detail of my hellacious day, but instead, i will just share this glimpse...

i arrive at ryder's preschool, to pick him up as i do every day, and i see his teacher outside the classroom, in full decon mode. Â bright yellow gloves, past her elbows. Â sweating. Â carrying out, at full arm's length, two loaded garbage bags. Â having just finished a four mile run, i was still on my runner's high, and floated in

what happened? did someone puke?

ryder's teacher looks at me, wide-eyed, apologizing to me for her profuse sweating (while i knew that what she really wanted to do, was just strangle me), and in her kindest voice, she says

has he been sick?

oh my gosh. Â she is in decon mode because of my son. Â

completely embarrassed, i ask if ryder threw up. nope, he just had diarrhea all over the playground area.

OH MY GOSH, i am now silently screaming.

wearing someone else's too big undies and shorts (i forgot to restock his spare preschool clothes, after he spilled orange juice on himself a couple weeks ago), one sock and no shoes, ryder runs to me, hops up and clings on for dear life, with his head on my shoulder. i share with ryder's teacher, that sky had the squirts this morning but i thought it was because of something she ate. humiliated, both ryder and i  head to the car.  back home, i then had to deal with the dreaded crap bag. ryder's teacher had already warned me that it had gotten in his shoes and everything. of course, i did as any mom, with a really shitty day, would contemplate doing--i took one peak inside and tossed the whole damn thing in the outside trash can. of course, i justified it all, with the fact that i thought ryder was growing out of those shoes anyways. the mini boden shorts...i just had to chalk those up to a loss.

ryder didn't end up having any more diarrhea today, but he did end up getting diagnosed with a sinus infection.

and that, my friends, was only the beginning of what my day had in store for me.

++++++

the wedding this past weekend was wonderful. Â it is always so awesome to see momma carmen and daddy jim (as kiele still refers to them). however, i missed steve terribly. driving six hours one way, with three kids is not an easy task. carrying luggage for three, camera equipment, a cooler, etc. to a hotel room on the second floor was not exactly fun either. and being at a wedding without your spouse, well...need i say more.

but...

thank goodness for kiele. thank goodness for kiele. thank goodness for kiele. Â i seriously cannot even begin to express my appreciation for what a wonderful, caring child she is. Â she is so amazingly helpful each and every day. i don't know what i would do without her.

++++++

we haven't talked to steve in a while and i hate that. i hate not being able to pick up the phone, when i want to share. when i'm having a bad day. when i just want to chat. it's completely out of my control. i leave the computer on, wondering if tonight is going to be the night...the night when he skypes in and we try to sum up  multiple days into one 20 minute conversation, shared between four. and then another night comes and goes with nothing. but, whether we like it or not, this is something that we, military spouses, with deployed husbands/wives, must come to terms with; it's a reality of this whole deployment business.

i close with a photo from this weekend. Â kiele as a flower girl and the little ones adoring their sister (they really do!).

and here's to tomorrow being a less shitty day, sucking up and being nice :-)

thankful for those people

there are people in my life, who give me comfort when the going gets tough, as it invariably does.  i can count on them for a shoulder to cry on. they will lift me up when i fall.  they will hold me in their arms, when i cry, and tell me everything is going to be okay.  i am so thankful for those people; they are priceless. - author unknown

the jamison family. they are one of those people, as described in the above quote. beyond priceless actually. carmen watched kiele, from age six weeks old through age four. i went through some tough times, when i lived in tucson, and they were always there for me. soon, carmen and jim became momma carmen and daddy jim. they became family to kiele and i.Â

carmen and jim had one child, melissa. melissa was 11, when i met her. Â such a wonderful child. now 22, melissa has grown into a wonderful and beautiful adult. Â this saturday, kiele (age 11) will be a flower girl in melissa's wedding. it's hard to believe that the little girl i remember is now an adult--getting married.

i'm so excited to see the jamison family. Â it's been over a year, since we last saw them. Â i don't know if i can ever thank them enough for all they did for me. Â for their kindness. for their goodness. but i will continue to try, each and every time i talk to or see them.

i'm happy to say that i'm not shooting melissa's wedding; i'm just attending (although i do hope to come back with some photos). Â i'd do anything for the jamison's but shooting a wedding, with three kids by my side, is near impossible and...have i mentioned that i'm just not wired right to shoot weddings. Â i've shot a couple weddings in the past and have sworn never to do another ;-).

and since a post just isn't right without a photo. Â here's a shot, from the last wedding i shot.

Â

put yourself on the line

people spend too much time finding other people to blame, too much energy finding excuses for not being what they are capable of being, and not enough energy putting themselves on the line, growing out of the past and getting on with their lives. - j. michael straczynski

i love the above quote. i'm not one to live in or for my past. Â i don't blame my past for anything, or at least i try my hardest not to. sure it has played a large part in the molding of the person i am today (how could it not), but i'm not going to blame my today on my yesterday, of long ago. Â my life has moved on and will continue to move on, in the direction that i choose...not the direction my past caused it to go. Â we make our own choices for today. Â it's not worth it to spend your time or your energy dwelling on or blaming your past. Â acknowledge and embrace your past for what it was...and get on with making your life the life you want it to be. Â

++++++

we got to talk to steve today, on the computer, via skype. Â he's doing well. Â staying very busy. Â he also registered for a (local / san diego) phone number via skype, so that we can talk on the phone. Â he talks through his computer and i can now talk either via my computer, home phone or cell phone (depending on which he calls). Â i swear...technology is so amazing. Â i just can't imagine the deployed days of the past, where one was waiting and longing for a letter in the mail. Â we are so blessed.Â

better when we're together

love is the answer, at least for most of the questions in my heart. Â why are we here and where do we go. and how come it's so hard. it's not always easy and sometimes life can be deceiving. but i'll tell you one thing. it's always better when we're together. - jack johnson

trying to figure out how i'm going to do and get through the week. Â we're leaving early friday morning for a wedding in tucson (six hour drive). i have photos to edit, prints to order, packages to ship. Â i have miles to run. i have clothes and shoes to buy for the wedding (kiele is in the wedding). Â but when? Â when will i find the time to do all that i have to do this week?Â

i pick up ryder at noon. sky at 2 PM. kiele is home at 4:30 PM. there's gymnastics, speech therapy and fencing. there's homework. there's early bed times. plus the rest of everyday life (laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc.).

i don't know how i am going to do it. but i do know that i will. Â some things might have to end up waiting and i will have to prioritize which of those can wait. Â i'll figure it out. Â i will.

things sure are better (and easier) when we're together.

Â

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goodbyes are sad

goodbyes are sad yet they should also be cherished because it is this word that causes all the memories to come flooding back as if they had happened yesterday. - author unknown

it's yesterday, 8 PM. skyler is in bed and i'm trying to get ryder in bed and getting ready to help kiele with her homework. Â

<RING. RING.>

it's not your typical ring...of the phone.  i run to the computer.  it's steve.  i holler for the kids. they come running and stand by my side, as we talk to steve.

hi daddy. Â we miss you. Â when are you coming home.

we see him. Â we hear him. Â he sees and hears us. Â my heat aches, yet it's absolutely amazing that this technology exists and we can do this. Â i am beyond grateful for this connection that we can maintain, while he is so far away.

actually, i am grateful for so much. truly. Â i'm sad that steve is gone, but i don't dwell in the sadness of him being gone; that would do me no good. i am strong while he is gone and thankful. thankful that it's only seven months (and not 15-18 months, like the army guys that steve's unit is replacing). Â i'm thankful that we're all healthy. Â and safe. Â things could be so much worse and i'm thankful for each and every blessing in my life.

so, here is a screen capture, from us saying hi to steve. Â us in california. Â him in iraq.Â

198 days to go.