getting easier?

missing someone gets easier every day because even though it's one day further from the last time you saw each other, it's one day closer to the next time you will.- author unknown

well, i'm not so sure how true the above quote is, but i like to think so. we started this deployment, knowing we were going to be apart for over 200 days. and the kids and i have been talking about how when we get to 100 days remaining until daddy gets home, we will make 100 rings and begin officially counting down the days.  

well, that time is now...today, we're actually at 97 days (i was a bit late on making the rings).  the kids were excited to remove three rings today, but i made it clear that they can only remove one ring a day and removing more than one ring doesn't bring home daddy any faster.

less than 100 days to go. woo hoo!  that is exciting!

++++++

the assignment roller coaster continues. the latest--monterey, CA (middle eastern studies grad program). right now, that's what we're hoping for because steve says that if he doesn't get monterrey, he'll most likely go to KS.  and KS means another year apart, as i can't move kiele for only one year. it takes about a year to get all her deaf/hard-of-hearing education services set up. if steve does go to KS, we'll probably be able to see him once a month and spend major holidays together, but it's still tough. and sometimes i think the 'home again | gone again' routine might be even harder for the little ones.  we will see.  and like i said in a prior post, at this point, steve still could possibly end up getting a completely different assignment.

what we give

we make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.- winston churchill

a friend and i were talking today. she's a military spouse and photographer also and relocating in march to VA, after only being in FL for about six months. she was talking about how when she restarts her photography business in VA, she really wants charity work to be a significant part of her business. i...feel the same way.

giving back is and always will be an integral part of my business and who i am as a person. there's times when i wish i could give more but i do what i can, for the place that i'm in and at right now. later, when my kids are older and my husband is home more, maybe i can give more.

while i never, ever expect to get anything in return, i always do.  i get the good for your soul kind of something--that something that cannot be touched, but instead felt with your heart and soul.  that's what i get and that's what giving is all about.  but every now and then, i get an incredible little treasure like this...

deb, you are so amazing. i wish there were words to tell you how much this means to us. the gift you give to people is so powerful and something that is timeless. i remember when i was sick i would look through our coffee table book and cry. i could literally remember that entire day and all those emotions. but that coffee table book gave me hope. it reminded me of the love we had at a time when i so lost. it brought back feelings that helped me to know that everything would be ok. what you do cannot be described with words. i just wish somehow i could repay you. if there is anything i can ever do, please don't hesitate.

give what you can. give when you can. just give something... and see how good it feels.

i'll close with a couple photos of sam and his family.  shooting sam is one of my ways of giving back.

p.s. speaking of giving. i still have to announce my giving is awesome winner, which will hopefully happen this week.  

finding strength

you have power over your mind.realize this and you can find strength. - marcus aurelius

some days are easy.  some...not so easy.  regardless, i keep going day to day.  trying to be patient. trying to keep smiling.  trying to keep it all together.   but then...then i hear, 

is daddy going to die in iraq?

and while i choke back the tears, i say,

of course not.  daddy is on a safe base in iraq.  daddy's not going to die.  he's fine.

what else am i supposed to say?  well, i know he was safe last night when we talked to him.  what today has brought his way...i do not know.  and i'm not sure when i'm going to know.  could be a few days. maybe a week.  maybe more.  there's no way for us to call him. we have to just wait and hope that we're home when he does call.

this is life.  my life.  right now.  with a deployed husband.  

when i'm feeling down or unmotivated, i try and remind myself of all i have to be grateful for. i remind myself how so many others have it tougher--way tougher--than we do.  just thinking about some of the families i've recently photographed offers me a huge reality check...and a tremendous amount of strength and courage. there's a military spouse, who's going to deliver her baby in two months without her husband; he's deployed and will return when their baby is four months old.  there's a 36 year old mother of three fighting for her life, with adrenal cancer metastasized to the lungs.  there's a family, who recently lost their seven-year-old son to neuroblastoma.  there's a family, who just got the news that their eight-year-old son has six new neuroblastoma lesions on his legs and head.

so i give myself a little nudge, get my thoughts straight and remember...

i can handle this.   i can handle this.

++++++

i leave you with a few photos from this past weekend...the pregnant military spouse mentioned above, who is absolutely glowing with beauty, grace and strength.  

inspiring hope

first, i'd like to preface this by saying that i'm not into politics at all. but here we are.  a moment in history. and no matter what the outcome of the next four years, this day will forever be remembered and talked about.   i just hope that obama (and others) live up to their word...to their promises. time will tell. if nothing else, it's going to be an interesting four years...that's for sure.  personally, i'm full of hope; hoping for the best--in not only our president, but in all of us.

yesterday, while on the treadmill at the gym, i saw ashton and demi's "I Pledge" video.  have you seen it?  if not, you can check it out here.  i seriously hope that these celebrities aren't blowing smoke out their ass, but very possibly a few of them (or more) are. but with that being said--i hope that, with the influence that some celebrities have on others, the video can and will inspire change...to do better...to give more...to just be a bit better in some way...any way. and to be fair, don't just watch the video; read the comments. 

what do i pledge? i pledge to be a better mother and wife (blogging for another day). once steve is back, i pledge to do monthly community service--as a family. i pledge to be more patient and a kinder person to others.  i pledge to think positively and give this new president a chance.

p.s. b/c i heard the obamas talk about it on the news yesterday...as a military spouse, i'm ready for the support that our president and his wife speak about for our veterans and their families. we will see. we will see.

friendship

friends are an integral part of your life, but every friend you have must live life at their own pace. when the time comes and they must leave you, there is no need to grieve over their parting from your life. it is the very essence of life that it should be so. but it hurts nonetheless, but we hold them in our hearts forever. always cherish the joy, laughter, memories and love that they have brought into your lives. always remember them with a warm smile for what they have given you.- a beautiful mind quote

being a military family, this is something that happens often...location to location, we make friends, knowing that we will soon part ways. some friends you never speak to again. others, you know they will forever be your friend. some of these friendships are maintained on the phone, hoping that one day you'll see them again. others, if you're lucky, you are able to see maybe once a year. my friend, gwenn, is one of those friends.

gwenn and i were stationed at davis-monthan AFB together, as nurses. she left tucson in 1999 and we've been long distance friends ever since. it's hard to believe it's been 10 years now. we went years without seeing one another but have been lucky enough to live five hours apart for the past couple years. so right now we've been able to see each other once or twice a year. and when we do, it's like were were never apart.

this was gwenn and i, in 1998. she's in the blue uniform. i'm in the white uniform.

gwenn came to visit me this weekend, with her four-year-old. we had such a blast together. reminiscing, sharing, laughing.

i am so blessed to have these special friends in my life.

hump-deployment

hump-deploymentnoun - the mid-deployment hump - the middle of the deployment - the hump that you have to get over

and i'm working hard to get through it.  

i've concluded that hump deployment and even getting through a deployment, in general, might be related to fight or flight response.

deployment starts and you have this unexplained energy. this energy from within, that begins when your spouse deploys. that keeps you moving and going, no matter what is thrown your way.  this ability to be both mother and father.  and do all things necessary, without much sleep. this unexplained energy that keeps you going and going and going.

but all of a sudden, i'm tired.  overly tired.  feeling like i can't make it one minute past the little one's bed time, which is 8 PM (7:30 PM lately).  and yesterday, as i was driving home from gymnastics, i was thinking,

i've been doing this for over three months. can i really keep going for another four more months? i'm all of a sudden feeling so drained. it's like it's groundhog day; i'm on auto pilot...just doing over and over again. i have no choice. i have to keep going. i will keep going. everything will be okay.

it's like i was filled with these batteries, with a three month battery life. and now i'm on a mission to get me some new ones. fully recharged and ready to go--for another three plus months.

so as i officially (with myself) coin the term, "hump-deployment". i look to find these hump-deployment days as a time of realization and celebration.

shit...i'm actually almost halfway there. we're all still alive. and doing well. that's something to celebrate. and now my new batteries are in. it's all downhill now. and i'm ready to go.

may 6th. it's getting closer and closer. our day of celebration. to celebrate our family becoming complete again.

++++++ now back to laundry, cleaning my house for tomorrow's company, working out, business stuff (editing ordering, etc.), putting packages together for the post office and most of all--hoping that steve calls today. sigh. i miss him.

you're not as fluffy

me: i'm really trying hard to work out these days. and trying to take better care of myself.friend: i can tell. you don't look as fluffy as you did this past summer. me: (lol) thanks. i'm glad to hear i'm not looking as fluffy. (still lol)

gotta love a friend that will tell you that. and i do. i love her. i adore her frankness and honesty. not many people would tell you that you were looking fluffy not so long ago. and of course, the whole conversation motivated me b/c maybe my working out is actually paying off.

although...i've actually stopped running.  not completely but i've stopped running outdoors b/c my knee is still acting up. since november.  pain on the outer side of my left knee and now some strange swelling on the inside of the same knee. so i've turned to the gym. elliptical machine. a mile to a mile and a half on the treadmill (knee doesn't hurt for these short runs). free weights. and a kicking-my-ass weight training class. i rotate through. and i'm feeling good. really good. hmmmm...the last time that i really worked out prior to now (and was in shape) was pre little ones, about eight years ago. really? did i just say that? eight years ago? yikes!

here's to not looking as fluffy. and having time for pretty toenails, which i do not have right now.

++++++

we're doing well. missing steve terribly but in the big scheme of things...we really are doing well. we're happy. we're healthy. and not quite crazy yet. the one thing that is difficult right now is the unknown. i think i've mentioned it before, that steve is due for a new assignment this july. we still have no idea what is going to end up happening and the anticipation makes me almost crazy. some locations that were proposed to steve are (listed in order of which steve told the detailer he's interested--it's a long story as to why this list is the way it is): - one year unaccompanied in bahrain (yes, steve would come home, only to leave again for a year.  but steve heard that the job was given to another guy before steve was able to email the detailer back.) - 18 months in monterrey - one year in KS (kids and i would stay here.) - two years in HI (there's actually two jobs available in HI.)

yes, you read right...hawaii was offered as a possibility and yes, it's our last choice in locations to go. like i said, it's all a long story. the funny thing is that i don't even know if one of the above will end up being where steve ends up. the military system often works that way...a list of choices, only to end up getting none on the list. so there is no need in my getting worked up and/or excited about anything until orders are in hand (or at least firm in the computer system). for the moment, i sit in this big bubble of unknownness.

++++++

i've been busy finishing up the last of my 2008 clients (books, albums, etc.). i've started shooting 2009 clients (and am booked until april). running the kids around for school stuff, gymnastics, fencing, etc.  and i've taken to redecorating our house. seems to happen every time that steve is gone for an extended period of time. he knew it was going to happen. so he rolls with it, although i'm sure it drives him crazy. new kitchen table. new kitchen chairs. new wall art. new bedding. and soon to have a new rocker. all modern. so exciting. now if we just had a cool eichler to go with the new furniture.

when is daddy coming home?

in true love, the smallest distance is too great, and the greatest distance can be bridged. - hans nouwens

ryder: mommy. me: what ryder? ryder: when is daddy coming home? me: in a few more months. when it's close to summer. skyler: is that a long time? me: yea, it's a little bit of a long time still. ryder: mom. me: what ryder? ryder: i really, really, really miss daddy. me: i know. i really, really miss daddy too.

++++++

need i say more?!

appreciating the little things

we are so often caught up in our destination that we forget to appreciate the journey. appreciation is a wonderful feeling, don't overlook it.- author unknown

i shipped steve a birthday package, from my in-laws house a couple weeks ago, which he just happened to receive today--on his birthday. a few pair of sweat pants, which he requested. some other requested odds and ends. and an 80-page book. our book. a compilation of photos, of our family, from 2008. looking through the book is emotional for me, as i recount family moments and how much the kids have grown over the past year. i can't even begin to imagine how emotional the book is for steve, being away from us and all.

steve also received three postcards, one from each child. i vaguely remember steve's mom doing that--having the kids write/draw on a postcard, for their daddy's birthday. the thing that i didn't realize...was how very special that was going to be. steve couldn't stop talking about the postcards, especially sky's, which he scanned and emailed back to me (see below). Â i hadn't seen the postcards so i was happy that he emailed it.

one thing about steve being away is not only do we realize how much we appreciate one another, but also how much we often under-appreciate the little things, the everyday things. i know i've mentioned sky's learning to write to steve in the past--although not remembering how much these everyday things that the kids are doing mean to him, i'm sure i just glossed over it during quick conversation. it's these things--these things that are part of my hectic everyday--that i forget steve is so missing and would do anything to be a part of right now. it is these things that i must remind myself are so important to share with steve any way that i can. briefly glossing over them is not good enough.

happy birthday babe! we miss you. we love you. i'm so glad that you love your birthday gifts. almost 3 months done. 4 months to go. stay safe.

patience

adopt the pace of nature;her secret is patience. - ralph waldo emerson

i've never been a very patient person. it's something i seek to improve upon, as we bring in this new year. actually, it's something i always seek to improve upon. maybe one of these days i'll figure it out.

as i speak about patience... we have a little over four months to go. four months of being both mother and father to my three kids. four months of the kids missing their daddy. i try not to complain though, as so many others are doing it and doing so in much more difficult conditions than i. and when i sit back and really think about it...i can't believe that almost three months has gone by...we've survived and we're doing well. we have our moments but all in all...really, we're doing well.

i received an email from steve today, sharing with me that he's sorry that he didn't get back to me sooner, but he was busy building a rock climbing wall. and a few days ago, i received the photos below, from iraq. i love that the guys are making the best of things out there. steve is working super hard, yet having a good time--and i wouldn't want it any other way.

i hope everyone had a safe and happy new year's eve. here's to a fantastic 2009!

a fresh new year

another fresh new year is here . . .another year to live! to banish worry, doubt, and fear, to love and laugh and give!

this bright new year is given me to live each day with zest . . . to daily grow and try to be my highest and my best!

i have the opportunity once more to right some wrongs, to pray for peace, to plant a tree, and sing more joyful songs! - william arthur ward

we're back from vacation. five huge duffel bags and one large box later...i'm mostly unpacked. and here i sit, ready to welcome and embrace a fresh new year. excited about the possibilities.

2009 is a year that surely will bring lots of excitement and changes. business changes. possibly big ones. life changes. we will most likely be moving this summer, as steve is up for reassignment in july. some possiblities that steve has shared with me...north carolina and colorado are two that have been briefly mentioned. however, steve has not talked to the detailer and nothing is real until orders are in hand. but, i'm hoping (so hoping) to know something in the next few months. this limbo phase, this period of unknown, is rather difficult for me...but i try and be patient.

++++++

our NV vacation was so awesome. we woke christmas day to 10 inches of snow that had fallen overnight...truly a magical, winter wonderland. this christmas was one that could have potentially been a very difficult one, especially for the kids, having to spend it without their daddy, but steve's family made our christmas so wonderful. we had such a blast and kiele is now begging me to move to carson city, NV. oh and steve's mom has me hooked on ABBA right now, since watching the mamma mia movie, which i loved.

here's to a happy and hopeful new year. a year filled with singing, dancing, loving, living, laughing, growing, giving and...peace! stay safe.

while he's over there

your cell phone is in your pocket;he clutches the cross hanging on his chain next to his dog tags.

you walk down the beach, with family and friends; he patrols the streets, searching for terrorists.

you go out to lunch and complain because your food is taking too long; he eats whatever and whenever he can.

your housekeeper cleans your house and washes your clothes; he wears the same things for days, but makes sure his weapon is clean.

you go to the mall and get your hair done; he doesn't get a chance to brush his hair or teeth sometimes.

you hug and kiss the ones you love; he holds his letters close and waits for the next call or letter from home.

you get frustrated and angry with your kids; he gets a letter with pictures of his baby, who he's never met.

you criticize our government and say that war never solves anything; he sees the innocent killed and here's gunfire and bombs and remembers why he is there.

you are asked to do something you don't want to do and get mad; he does exactly as he's told to do even if it puts him in danger.

you hang out with your buddies and have fun; he prays that his buddies don't get injured and that he will see them again.

you crawl into your warm, soft bed and get comfortable; he tries to sleep but gets woken by mortars and helicopters all night long.

- adapted from an email chain i received the other day

i also received this photo the other day. Â steve isn't in it; however, these are guys that he's over in iraq with right now.

if anyone is interested in sending letters and/or care packages to the guys in iraq, feel free to email me and i can send you an address.

i'll love you forever

i'll love you forever,i'll like you for always, as long as i'm living my babies you'll be. adapted from robert munsch's book, love you forever

my three and i, taken by my dear friend, shawn, this past weekend (thanks shawn...love ya pal).

my three... kiele: tweenish. smiling the way she thinks she's supposed to. my little mother hen. skyler: cute as can be, with the pigtails she begged to have for the photo. her happy, smiley self. ryder: sucking his thumb. a momma's boy. wearing the star wars shirt and tennies he begged to wear. me: a temporary single mom. missing steve. cherishing my three.

my three... they're growing up right before my eyes. no longer my babies, yet always my babies.

++++++

all three went to the dentist this past friday. ryder was the first one out and when i asked him how it went, he replied:

bad.

me: it went bad ryder? why? what happened? ryder: she said i have to stop sucking my thumb.

and he's taken it very seriously ever since. tonight was no exception. when it was time for bed, i laid down with him (as i always do...breaking that habit will come another day). ryder's thumb went in his mouth a few times and he'd say the same thing each time.

no sucking my thumbie.

and each time, with a determined, forceful yank, out came his thumb. at one point he told me that he wasn't going to be able to stop sucking his thumb. i told him he could and what a big boy he was...how proud i am of him for trying. and within minutes, he had fallen asleep, without sucking his thumb. this was the first time ever...falling asleep without his thumb. and a bittersweet moment for me. my last baby of my babies really is growing up. sigh.

if you're a parent and you haven't read love you forever, you must. in my opinion, it's a book every parent should have on the shelf.

finding the joy

there's a natural progression in the military, no matter what branch, no matter what job. to get command one day, there's things you have to do--qualifications, master's degree, deployments, etc. a couple days ago, steve got word that he did not make the next level (i'm not talking about rank, but kind of like getting a promotion to assistant manager) that is typically required to someday be a commander. he still has one more chance, but not making it this time was very disappointing and frustrating. everyone expected that steve would make it. his buddies too. and most of them did not. and no one can explain why? why they didn't and why a number of guys, who were not yet in the zone, did. it's frustrating when something like this happens, especially when you go into work at 5 AM, come home at 7 PM, work till 11 PM at home and basically work your ass off and give your all, each and every day. i don't expect there to be answers. that's not the way the military works. i am disappointed in the system, a system that i have always believed in. and i am beyond sad for steve, as i have never heard him so angry and disappointed, when we spoke on the phone the other day...and i know how fucking hard he's worked. it just doesn't make sense. i tell steve to keep believing. i email him words of hope and inspiration but at the moment, even i am having to force myself to keep believing. that maybe the path for commander isn't the path steve was ultimately meant to follow.

i want to hug him. talk to him. share with him. but instead, he sits somewhere here separated from his family, dwelling in disappointment, anger and frustration...trying to figure out why. not the holidays he anticipated for sure.

because i know that he reads my blog... i love you honey. i am proud of you. more than you'll ever know. you are the most amazing and hardworking man i have ever met. that board of a few people may not have realized it, while reading that one damn piece of paper, but all those who know you and surround you...we all know!

++++++

this morning, i watched this amazing girl's video. and i dream about doing such greatness. i dream that one day i will. maybe when we begin our sailing adventures, after steve retires? maybe we can sail and help...and give. i don't know how, when or where, but i will. i feel it in my soul, as i ache with the longing to help and help big. i shared the video with kiele this morning, hoping that i can inspire my children to see the greatness in what is possible. i will share with the little ones this afternoon and we will talk about what is possible, if you dream, follow your heart and work hard. someday i hope that my kids not only will ache with longingness to give and help. someday i hope that they will.

i promise...you will not regret taking the three minutes it takes to watch this incredible, young girl's video. and then you will want to go here and read more about her.

++++++

i'm working hard to get in the christmas spirit this year, to find the joy in it all. don't get me wrong, my kids bring me such great joy, it's unexplainable...but it's finding the joy in this holiday season. i did the things i'm supposed to do--bought a small tree, bought the poinsettias, decorated around the house, hung the stockings, but i did them all with this sense of numbness. i'm doing but not really feeling. because i want him

to be back home with us, and our family complete again. so i will continue to fight this battle, this battle of numbness.

today, i downloaded this christmas album, which i love, and i'm baking cookies. i'm trying! trying to get in the christmas spirit. trying to find the joy this holiday season brings.

tomorrow i'm hoping to share some of my favorite things this year. some things i love. some things that inspire me. some gifts i'm giving.

getting in on the giving

and giving is awesome. those who follow my blog regularly know how thankful i am. and how much i love to give. because giving is awesome. giving feels good.

well...there's this awesome giving thing going on right now amongst the photography community (started by kirsten kalp). so of course, yes, yes, yes--i want to participate (i've actually been thinking about doing something similar for a while now, so what better time than now).

here are some words about the program and what i'm giving:

know someone who's experienced a tragedy, is struggling to stay afloat, is raising kids while holding down more than one job, or is selflessly volunteering despite extenuating personal circumstances? know someone who cannot afford custom photography, but would so cherish it like no other? know someone who deserves a year-round reminder of their family's spirit, love and beauty?

NOMINATE THEM.

give them the chance to win over $1700 of custom photography. Â they will receive: a deb schwedhelm photography photo session all of the images displayed in their gallery on CD 1 - 8x10 1 -11x14

and...the person who nominates the winner will receive a $250 print credit on a future deb schwedhelm photography session.

rules: you cannot nominate yourself (however you can nominate one of your family members). the person nominated must sincerely have a story and be incapable of purchasing custom photography. the nominee must live around the san diego area. photo session must take place sometime between jan through jun 2009.

you MUSTÂ email the full story to deb@debsphotographs.com tell me who you're nominating, what they're experiencing and why you feel they deserve to win this (giving is) awesome custom photography package. if possible include a photo of your nominee (and their family). include contact information for both yourself and the nominee. and, please comment here (on this blog entry) to let me know you've entered and ensure my receipt of your email entry.

the winner will be announced january 1st, so please tell your friends, spread the word and get nominating.

and if you're not in the san diego area, click here to find a participating photographer in your area. there's over 112 participating photographers, with over $153,085 in photography giveaways.

sex and monsters

tonight was friday pizza night at the schwedhelm house and the following transpired at the dinner table... me: kiele, how was school today? kiele: it was fine. Â mrs boller [6th grade science teacher, currently teaching the family health unit] said that you have to talk to me about sex? me: oh really? kiele: i wasn't going to tell you but since you asked me how was school today, i thought i better, so i don't get in trouble. me: you learned all about sex, huh? Â did you also learn things like you can't get diseases from kissing and stuff like that? kiele: you can get a disease from kissing? me: no you can't. kiele: yes. you can!! Â that one disease...the love disease. me: Â what love disease can you get from kissing? kiele: you know...that disease where you fall in love [said with a grimacing look of disgust]...the love disease.

all the time we're talking, skyler, in the peanut gallery, is screaming: sex? what's sex. i want to know about sex. Â what's a period? Â a baby? Â how is a baby made?

OH MY GOSH!

and the conversation didn't stop there. it went on and on. kiele informed me that she's not happy about having to have a period someday and she's not using that stick thing. skyler informed me that she knew what a real live period was...the dot at the end of a sentence.

i couldn't stop laughing, in the best way, of course b/c i still had not had the talks with kiele. now...now i've not only had all the talks (i've been waiting for the right time to have) with kiele, i've had the talks with skyler and ryder too. and at the rate sky is going, she might need the talks first.

++++++

and ryder. i'm not quite sure what to do with him as he is convinced that monsters live in his bedroom walls. it's to the point that he is scared to walk near his room. when he's in trouble (e.g. when he is outside, sitting on the grass, crying about something his sisters did and won't come in), sometimes, he'll have to go in his room as part of his discipline. well, he now covers his ears and screams about the monsters, as i put him in his room. he actually begins covering his ears as tight as he possibly can on the way to his bedroom and screams,

no mommy. no. not my room.

someone had recommended monster spray. i tried it for a couple weeks but it didn't work. not one bit. he remains terrified. i'm not quite sure what to do about the whole thing. and needless to say, ryder still sleeps in my bed; he basically always has...and this monster deal hasn't resulted out of my trying to get him sleep in his own bed. i wasn't going to tackle that until it was closer to steve getting home.

and here he is. Â my boy, as an indian, vest, drum and all. Â taken yesterday for daddy, at ryder's preschool thanksgiving performance. this is his new way of smiling for the camera. aye. the smile of a photographer's child.

++++++

today was a better day, although kiele and i are still not feeling well. today, i spent a lot of time with the kids and yet, i was still able to knock out a couple lingering things off my to-do list. Â

o christmas tree

having a positive mental attitude is asking how something can be done rather than saying it can't be done.- bo bennett as if i didn't already know, my body screamed at me yesterday, informing me that i'm not handling my stress very well. fever blisters sprouted one by one across my entire top lip and i feel like crap. one fever blister is bad; three is ridiculous. i've gotten fever blisters since i was a young child, but i don't ever remember having them quite this bad.

i have... photos, photos and more photos to edit prints to package books to design DVDs to burn care packages to package and send greeting cards to put together a cochlear implant presentation to create and present twice next week thanksgiving parties to prepare for kiele's book to scan for various publishers to review a magazine cover photo to shoot (i haven't even begun to think about christmas presents) and every day life.

yep, i'm just slightly overwhelmed and a tad bit stressed. when i'm not on top of the things i have to do, i get stressed. i'm not one to cry easy and tears have been shed, on more than one occasion now. it's just hard. so i'm thinking, journaling and...hoping. hoping that i can take a deep breath and look at things with a better, more relaxed attitude and realize that i will get through this really busy time and i'll get through it with a smile on my face. i will.

++++++ why o christmas tree? well...

there's this awesome website where you can donate $25, for a two foot tall christmas tree to be delivered to a military member serving in iraq or afghanistan. if you know a service member serving in iraq or afghanistan, you can enter his/her address and the christmas tree will be delivered to them, but you don't need to know someone to participate. please, please check out the website and consider donating a christmas tree to those who are serving our country and cannot be with us during these holidays. my tree is bought.

now back to editing. :-)

driven

running has given me the courage to start, the determination to keep trying, and the childlike spirit to have fun along the way. run often and run long, but never outrun your joy of running.- julie isphording, winner of the 1990 LA marathon

we had to be there at 10 AM. for our 12 PM 5K san diego mud run today. the sun was shining bright. not a cloud in the sky. a sweltering 90 degrees. the pacific beach babes (shawn, me and adrienne) were ready, ready to do our first official run together, after having picked up walking / running about 2 1/2 months ago. we were excited, nervous, scared...you name it, all wrapped up inside, precisely placed as a knot in our stomachs.

and then, at 12:10 PM, the whistle blew and the herd of people began to run. it wasn't long before we hit our first giant puddle of mud, to our knees and sometimes to our waist. we each had our own methods of getting through. mine...i decided to try and run through the mud, as i would sink into the mud less. that worked until i biffed and scraped my entire right shin coming out of one of the puddles. blood dripped down my leg and my leg stung like crazy but the running continued until...we got to the damn biggest hill i've ever climbed in my life. steep and big. no, it was huge. most of us walked up the hill. some of the crazy (i mean amazing) people actually ran. once at the top of the hill, it was back to running. 20 puddles, a few haystacks to climb over, a tunnel to crawl through, a hill to slide down, a wall to climb over and flags to swim under and we were done. i was beat. i was excited. i was proud. my first 5K. done!

we finished around 1:15 PM and kiele wasn't feel well (from the heat) so we left without my taking a shower or cleaning up in any way. i took off my shoes, put on the junk dress i had brought, slipped off my shorts, put on my flip-flops and i was ready to go. and it was on to the rest of our day. and that, the rest of our day, continued to race through my head. how was i going to get done everything i needed to do?

++++++

kiele has to bring a decorated potato to school tomorrow, for her family life class. we needed things--googly eyes, felt, pom-poms, etc. we had to decorate a potato as a baby, to include such things as a diaper and bed. i also had a 3 PM shoot and a military wives thanksgiving get-together to attend, after my shoot. that meant i had to keep moving, muddy and all. we went to michaels, then to mcdonalds and back home.

holy crap. it's 2:25 PM and i have to shoot in 30 minutes.

i called my client to see if we could begin the shoot a bit later but they were already out the door. i apologized that i was still muddy and told them i'd see them at 3 PM. luckily, the client and i are friends. i did the shoot, went back home, picked up the kids and we were quickly off to the thanksgiving get-together. yep, still dried mud and all. after the get-together, it was time to actually purchase the baby / potato, along with some much needed coffee and creamer). finally home at 7 PM and longing to shower and...steve rings.

++++++

it's always so awesome to chat with steve, but it's also very emotional. hard. and today was exceptionally hard as it's our six year anniversary. i really miss his touch. i long for his hug. steve continues to do well and is enjoying his time in iraq. that makes me happy. if he's going to have to deploy, he might as well be doing a mission that he enjoys. i am thankful that he is.

7:45 PM and i was finally able to shower. YAY!

it's now almost 11 PM and i'm absolutely exhausted and drained. off to bed, for some much needed rest.

stillness amongst chaos

in the midst of movement and chaos, keep stillness inside of you.- deepak chopra

movement and chaos seems to be the current story of my life. and to be honest, i think a lot of it is self-imposed. i'm just that way. always have been. i like to be busy. i'm kind of like a bee, buzzing all around as fast as i can, seeing how many flowers i can pollinate (or jobs i can accomplish). Â yep, just that way. in saying that, i do seek that inner stillness, to try and keep my soul balanced. i am a libra, you know.

and today, well...it's my anniversary today. steve left a month ago today. happy anniversary to the kids and i, as we're now one month closer to his return home (six months to go). and i can't wait. i miss him more and more with each passing day.

i did get to IM with steve today (skype audio wasn't working well). it was great to talk with him. it was great to see him.

++++++

not sure how many people read prior posted comments so i wanted to share steve's comment on my previous blog post.

I am so lucky to have such an amazing partner in life. I miss being home and being able to help, but we are doing great here in Iraq on a daily basis. It is an honor to work with so many amazing Americans here making a true impact on the people of Iraq and it is a pleasure to have so many people at home concerned about our well being.

oh...i so love that man. Â just had to say that.

i have always known that steve keeps up with me a bit through my blog. it's my way of journaling my thoughts and feelings and he knows that. believe it or not, i'm not a very good communicator in person. something i have always had a problem with and continue to strive for...being a good communicator, that is. steve has figured out that i communicate through my blog, so he reads. Â maybe one day, i'll be a better communicator in person. Â

++++++

i didn't get to run today because kiele had a cochlear implant appointment; her processor broke and she wasn't hearing right. but wednesday, i ran 4 1/2 miles and walked 1/2 mile, when my knee started bothering me. i was a bit bummed because i so wanted to run a full five.

and this sunday, i'm doing the san diego mud run. bib 485. yep, running three miles through the mud. over walls. under ropes. through the muddy water. i'm doing it. my first official run. woo hoo. the pacific beach babes...we're all doing the run (minus one, who is pregnant, but her excuse is legit).

oh and i downloaded 30 or so new itunes the other day. mostly 70s rock. you know... my sharona (the knack) any way you want it (journey) renegade (styx)

okay, so i did throw in a couple others like... sexy back (justin timberlake) trees (marty casey) the man who sold the world (nirvana).

they're all now loaded into a running playlist. Â music i run with. Â music i love.

honoring those who served

valor is a gift.valor is stability of the soul. in valor, there is hope. - author unknown

happy veterans day to those who have served and who are currently serving. Â and in honoring our veterans, i also want to recognize and honor the women (and men) who are left behind during times of deployment.

a military wives prayer

at night when i crawl in bed, my lonely pillow 'neath my head, i close my eyes and say a prayer. God keep him safe way over there, and make me strong so i won't cry.

it's kinda hard to be alone and teach the kids when they're half grown, without the strength of a father's hand to guide them in this troubled land.

so i'll need a little help from you, to let me know what i should do. and God please will you let him know, how much we love and miss him so.

and then i feel across the bed, to where he used to lay his head, and i close my eyes very tight, so i won't cry tonight, and whisper in to the evening air, goodnight my darling way over there. - author unknown

i miss your support. i miss your strength. i miss your friendship. i miss your touch. i miss your warmth. i miss your love. i miss you. i am proud of you!

Â

and from president bush, who offers a veterans day proclamation:

On Veterans Day, we pay tribute to the service and sacrifice of the men and women who, in defense of our freedom, have bravely worn the uniform of the United States.

From the fields and forests of war-torn Europe to the jungles of Southeast Asia, from the deserts of Iraq to the mountains of Afghanistan, brave patriots have protected our Nation's ideals, rescued millions from tyranny, and helped spread freedom around the globe. America's veterans answered the call when asked to protect our Nation from some of the most brutal and ruthless tyrants, terrorists, and militaries the world has ever known. They stood tall in the face of grave danger and enabled our Nation to become the greatest force for freedom in human history. Members of the Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines, and Coast Guard have answered a high calling to serve and have helped secure America at every turn.

Our country is forever indebted to our veterans for their quiet courage and exemplary service. We also remember and honor those who laid down their lives in freedom's defense. These brave men and women made the ultimate sacrifice for our benefit. On Veterans Day, we remember these heroes for their valor, their loyalty, and their dedication. Their selfless sacrifices continue to inspire us today as we work to advance peace and extend freedom around the world.

With respect for and in recognition of the contributions our service members have made to the cause of peace and freedom around the world, the Congress has provided (5 U.S.C. 6103(a)) that November 11 of each year shall be set aside as a legal public holiday to honor America's veterans.

NOW, THEREFORE, I, GEORGE W. BUSH, President of the United States of America, do hereby proclaim November 11, 2008, as Veterans Day and urge all Americans to observe November 9 through November 15, 2008, as National Veterans Awareness Week. I encourage all Americans to recognize the bravery and sacrifice of our veterans through ceremonies and prayers. I call upon Federal, State, and local officials to display the flag of the United States and to support and participate in patriotic activities in their communities. I invite civic and fraternal organizations, places of worship, schools, businesses, unions, and the media to support this national observance with commemorative expressions and programs.

IN WITNESS WHEREOF, I have hereunto set my hand this thirty-first day of October, in the year of our Lord two thousand eight, and of the Independence of the United States of America the two hundred and thirty-third. GEORGE W. BUSH

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