hoetowns

during my blog surfing this morning, i came across this article, from motown to hoetown.  being from detroit, i found the article fascinating and full of hope.  not only hope for detroit, but for struggling post-industrial cities all across the US. later in the morning, i came across this awesome photography series, from ross mantle.  mr mantle doesn't share where his series of photographs was taken.  detroit?  maybe. but more likely pittsburgh, since that's where he's from.

i think it's crazy how i just happened across both the article and the series today, within a couple hours. not even sure how i ended up on mr. mantle's site. it was meant to be. and i feel that i was meant to share.

photo below is from ross mantle's city green series.  see his entire series here.  his riding out the summer is incredible too.

inspiration on so many levels.

and...just looked at his recent stuff.  diverging agendas--so awesome.

hope for haiti

it's hard to believe what haiti is going through.  the devastation. the pain. the struggle to recover. and then move forward. the struggle to simply survive amongst the devastation...the suffering...the dead bodies. i watched a video of a doctor running to treat a 15-day-old baby, with head trauma.  when he found them, he learned that the mother was dead. the father passed the baby over to the doctor.  it was a head laceration. no skull fracture. the MD put a bandage on the baby's head and passed the baby back to the father.

she is going to be okay. she's going to be okay, he said.

as i watched, tears fell. is she going to be okay? would the father be able to meet the baby's basic needs? their house is now a pile of rubble, with the mother buried beneath. i can only hope.

i can't stop thinking about the people of haiti. i see their faces over and over again. the pain, the sadness--you see the devastation in their eyes.

please donate. something. anything. and offer your thoughts and prayers.  at a time like this, you just have to believe in the collective power.  you just have to.

wishing with all the hope i have to hope that haiti finds some peace, comfort and relief from this devastation...soon.

appreciating life

i've been thinking about living a lot lately--my gratefulness for simply being alive. it seems that i've been hearing about a lot of tragedies lately--people i know, friends of people i know. freak accidents. precious lives lost. and of course, the recent devastation in haiti.

then while blog surfing this morning, i came across lindsay baumgartner's video on me ra koh's blog.  it's one of the winning videos for me ra koh's incredible  SOAR competition.  i hadn't watched any of the other winning videos but for some reason, today, without reading what it was about, i decided to watch this one.

lindsay's video is amazing and had me in tears.  her story reminded me yet again to be grateful for each and every day because life is something that absolutely cannot be taken for granted.  cherish it all--every day, every moment.

also...please don't forget to donate to haiti earthquake response and relief, if you can.  every bit will help.  it's as simple as texting 'haiti' to 90999, to send a $10 donation to the american red cross.

or you could donate here and support doctors without borders in haiti.  i decided to donate to both.

for the love of...

film. i've been talking about it for years now--shooting film; however, that's all i've been doing. talking about it. for some reason, i feel like i need someone to hold my hand. not sure why. what am i scared of? what is holding me back? nothing more than myself. and that frustrates me.

i have two film cameras (a canon and a bronica) sitting on the shelf right above my computer...collecting dust. i seriously look at them all day. every day. cheryl jacobs tried to help me get my bronica to work, when we visited her in colorado, but something seemed to be wrong with the back. so yesterday, i ordered a new back and i'm determined to use it. as for the canon, it's fine. i've just had a bunch of lame excuses and haven't had the courage to pick it up.

damn it! this is the year--i am picking up those cameras and shooting film. i am! no more excuses. no one needs to hold my hand.

speaking of film and polaroid, here's some of my favorite polaroids from over the years.

1

yesterday, i received this this book for christmas, from my dear friend, steph.  every year, she seems to find the perfect book for me.  the kind of book that inspires my heart to be better and do greater.  the cover of the book became my grateful | 365 image for yesterday.

today, i wanted to share a few of my favorite excerpts from the book.

how many people does it take to make a difference? one one song can spark a moment one flower can wake the dream one tree can start a forest one bird can herald spring one smile begins a friendship one handclasp lifts a soul one star can guide a ship at sea one word can frame the goal one vote can change a nation one sunbeam lights a room one candle wipes out darkness one laugh will conquer gloom one step must start each journey one word must start a prayer one hope will raise our spirits one touch can show you care one voice can speak with wisdom one heart can know what's true one life can make a difference that difference starts with you. [unknown] you are not here by mistake. around the world and down through the ages there has never been another you. and there will never be another you. the miracle of your existence is now in your hands. you are here for a purpose. you have something that only you can give to the world. take time to consider what it is. some questions to ask yourself: who am i? why am i here? what am i doing for others?

if children with terminal cancer can find love, peace, joy and beauty in their day--and they do--why don't we?[dan zadra]

if you have even one close friend in life, you are blessed. the best way to keep a friend? be one.

don't be beaten down by naysayers. they'll call you a dreamer, a do-gooder, a romantic. every time you stand up for a good cause, someone will roll their eyes or tell you to sit down. there will be lots of people who can give you all the reason why you can't or won't improve the world. it's up to you to remind yourself of all the reason why you can and will. optimism and pessimism are both choices. which do you choose?

your work is going to fill a large part of your life and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. and the only way to do great work is to love what you do. if you haven't found it yet, keep looking. don't settle. stay hungry. stay foolish. [steve jobs]

this book is amazing. i've shared just a teeny fraction of the goodness in this book. inspiring words and quotes and interactive--asking questions, with room to write your answers.

something i've thought about is that maybe once a month, i could pick out a question | topic from the book, write about it here on the blog, with the hopes that it would inspire others to think and write about it too. and keep us thinking throughout the year. hmmm...maybe once a month? yes? no? thoughts?

thanks steph for always inspiring me to be a better person and truly make a difference in this world.  powerful stuff sweet friend!!

snow day

the conversation yesterday morning went kind of like this... her: i think one of the things we should discuss at the workshop is the importance of shooting often; you just need to get out there and shoot. every day, if you can. i don't do this but i should. i want to. me: yea. but you have to remember that some of us live in the snow and it's freezing right now. her: well you can still shoot. me, making excuses: like i really want to shoot, when we've been cooped up in the house for days. and like the kids really want me to shoot, when they're constantly bickering with each other. and me. her: i think it's part of improving, growing and getting out of a funk. you just have to shoot. me: well it's not going to be happening anytime soon here. her, i'm guessing: *rolling eyes*

after i picked up ryder from preschool, the snow started falling.  i was grateful for our first big snow storm and it's accompanying beauty.  well, it wasn't really the first storm, but it was the first to happen during the day.  and we were loving it. so on the drive home, ryder and i stopped in an open field and i took my iphone grateful | 365 shot for the day.

later, as i watched the snow fall from the comfort of my warm living room, leah's words rang in my ears. i thought...

it really is so beautiful. maybe i can convince one of the kids to come out front with me for just a couple minutes. for just a few shots. nothing big.  just something in the snow. we're in kansas...for only one year. and we might not get another good snow like this again. it's been so long...i need to shoot.

i asked sky first because she is typically the most willing of the three.  and she agreed. we went out in front of the house, for just a couple minutes.  till sky wiped out. her hands covered in snow and freezing, that was it and we went inside. i immediately plugged in the card and was so excited to edit a few of them. it's like a part of me was alive again. having not shot in what seemed like forever (except with my iphone), it felt so good. you see...when i don't shoot for a long time, this door opens (the wrong door) and self-doubt always seems to sneak in.

what happens if i've lost it? what happens if i go out and shoot and they all suck? i'm in a funk.

after getting a taste of it, i wanted more and begged sky to go with me, on the walking path behind our house...for just a few more minutes. just a few more shots. and she agreed again. :-)

excitedly (me more than her), we walked down the completely snow covered walking path. the snow was still falling and it was so, so beautiful, quiet and pure. just she and i. magical! sky played along with my excitement and let me shoot away. gloveless, i continued my hands couldn't take it anymore.

i share this because i really do believe you have to shoot often. every day if you can. it's funny how we can convince ourselves at times that we're in a funk. that we just can't shoot. that we suck. whatever. it's during those times, those times where self-doubt somehow snuck in, that it's most important to just pick up our cameras and shoot. something. somewhere.

thank you leah. for being that little voice that reminds me and pushes me. and doesn't accept or believe all my excuses.

here's some of my favorites.

do i dare?

do i dare buy another fabulous art print, from etsy, to be added to the growing pile that has been sitting for months (piled so perfectly in their perfect little holding place). that pile...that i so desperately need to frame and find a place for. because... if i dare, this print is going to be it. how perfect is this to commemorate this kansas journey. :-)

and i meant to share this a while ago, but somehow got sidetracked (imagine that).  look at this awesome heart, made from fujifilm instax prints, in the home of these fab wedding photographers,.  they put the photos up using thumb tacks.  i think it would be awesome to somehow adhere the photos to a mounting board or piece of wood, to make a permanent piece of art.  and i so love their hanging lights!

lastly, did you hear that polaroid is teaming up with lady gaga?  as creative director and inventor of specialty products, per the article.  i'm not exactly sure what all this means; however, it does mean that things are moving forward with bringing polaroid back in 2010.  woo hoo!

doodle inspiration

i was a huge doodler as a kid, but i've never been a really talented doodler like notebook doodles.  surely i've never been able to doodle words like this.

came across notebook doodle's inspiring blog via the awesome tara whitney. and oh. my. gosh. i so, so love what notebook doodles does. her doodles on paper. in moleskins. on photographs.  creating little pieces of art, with each and every one of them.

i emailed notebook doodles, inquiring if she sells prints. or her book. she said the book was for personal use only. and she's not ready to sell prints yet, but hopes to in the near future.

check out this awesome doodling on a photograph.  and this wonderful little book of lyrics. love.

thanks notebook doodles for being such a wonderful inspiration.

change

i actually had this post written a couple days ago and saved it as a draft.  well, how fitting for me to publish it today, since i spent a great portion of today slaving over the revamping of my blog.  okay, maybe i wasn't quite slaving but there were definitely some frustrating parts of the process (especially that part where i wrote some CSS code that made my entire blog and dashboard disappear). it's a never-ending cycle, you know--learn. grow. work. improve. evaluate. tweak. repeat... +++

on to the original post...

i'm so loving gap's new utility collection.  have you seen it? i hope they fit as good as they look.

also, i find it fascinating that gap is now incorporating video into their online advertising.  it was only a matter of time. soon enough video clips will be a part of every online site.

makes me think of this, which i recently read on seth godin's blog on an upcoming frustrating decade of change--

change: the infrastructure of massive connection is now real.  people around the world have cell phones. the first internet generation is old enough to spend money, go to work and build companies. industries are being built every day (and old ones fading). the revolution is in full swing, and an entire generation is eager to change everything because of it. hint: it won't look like the last one with a few bells and whistles.

change.  yes, change is good.

+++

and today i am grateful for the necklace that the kids made and gave to me for christmas.  i adore it so and will treasure it forever.

getting my shit together

in my efforts to begin organizing myself for the year ahead and yes, getting my shit together, i just wanted to share a bunch of...stuff.

first, i want to share a bit about facebook (FB)--an online community full of networking opportunities and a wealth of information.  if  you've never been there, i highly recommend it.  it's amazing the help i've received from folks on FB...and the friends i've found or who have found me.  here's my personal page and business page.

since not everyone, who reads my blog, is on FB, i decided to share a few things here that i recently discovered and|or shared on FB just today.

+++

i'm finally feeling better today (after suffering from a terrible stomach flu on new year's day.  what a way to bring in the new year, huh?!).  i was actually recovered from the puking yesterday, but the dehydration was still hugely kicking my ass.  so now that i'm better, it's about getting organized.  and that begins with grocery shopping, since i have nothing in the house.  not having a clue what i wanted to cook for the week, i posted on FB, inquiring if anyone had any great recipes they could share.  and i learned about these great recipe sharing sites:

smitten kitchen orangette allrecipes (actually an old fav)

i've printed out some super yummy recipes and will head to the grocery store in a bit (after the construction guys are done working on the walls in our 5th bedroom). my plan is to buy a clipboard and put it on the kitchen wall with the week's recipes clipped. kind of like this (love her series of inspirational clipboards).

+++

our KS house is already rented and we're looking at real estate in tampa. this whole thing is rather surreal. we've been here six months and are moving in six months. oh. my. gosh!!

steve is dreaming of building in tampa, although i'm not sure it's going to be possible in the area we want to live.  our location options are based on the communities middle and high school (kiele's school is our priority).  and for the moment, we're house hunting in the 33629 zip code of tampa (palma ceia area).

but, if we magically happened upon cheap land, here's a couple homes that steve and i would love to build.  maybe after our sailing adventures. sure can't hurt to dream! the spirit of palo alto the Xhouse 2

+++

i'm planning my spring trip back to san diego for client shoots, sometime in april or early may (leaning towards late april). if anyone is interested in a client shoot during that timeframe, please email me. i also plan to do client shoots in san diego and NY in the fall. it's so exciting to have clients across the nation. i guess that's one of the perks of being a military-family photographer. needless to say, i'm blessed and grateful.

+++

speaking of grateful. my plans were to start my grateful | 365 project on jan 1st; however, my stomach flu trumped that idea. and so i begin today.  you might remember me blogging about hailey's inspirational 365 grateful project in the past.  my plan is to do simple iphone photos for this project and will print them (probably in a 5x5 book) at the end.

today (01 | 365), i am grateful that my kids play so awesome together. sometimes it amazes me. don't get me wrong, they do have their fair share of typical sibling bickering, but most of the time, they play like this. and it melts my heart.

every day

not sure if i ever shared this video.  with tears streaming down my face, i viewed it again today, after visiting the mikulak's blog, which i check regularly.  i think about max and his family each and every day, as they have touched my life in a way that is beyond words!  thank you max and the entire mikulak family for making my life fuller, making me a better person and teaching me how very important it is to live and cherish each and every day to the fullest!!

in sharing this, i encourage you and challenge  you to give  in any way you can this year and every year.  it will touch you in ways that are truly indescribable. if you'd like to help in pediatric cancer fundraising and advocacy, max's ring of fire charity foundation can be found here.

this video is 18 minutes long and amazing. max was such an incredible little boy, whose life was so sadly stolen by neuroblastoma at the age of seven.

(too short) Life | Max Mikulak | Max's Ring of Fire www.MaxsRingOfFire.org from Andy Mikulak on Vimeo.

if you don't have 18 minutes right now, there's also this video. about four minutes long.

Inspiration | Max Mikulak | Max's Ring of Fire www.MaxsRingOfFire.org from Andy Mikulak on Vimeo.

eta: looking for other ways to give with your photography skills? check out the give ten project for ideas (there's links of how to give on the right side).

thank you 2009

2010? that's crazy. i remember 2000 like yesterday, although not really because i have a terrible, terrible memory. but seriously, i can't believe it's 2010 tomorrow. as every year comes to a close, i think about how seriously blessed i am.  and this year is no exception.  it's been absolutely amazing!  my life is so full. and fricken awesome.  i'm so thankful--both personally and professionally.

on the brink of 2010, i was thinking of my goals for next year (just a start and in no particular order)-- be more present for my family (i.e. get off the computer). challenge myself professionally. shoot my kids' everyday lives more. get back to regularly working out (and feeling good again or as mary would say, not feeling fluffy). live each and every day to the fullest. give more. begin to journal.

i can't wait to see where 2010 takes my family and i. the one thing we know for sure...it will be elsewhere. and that, in itself, is pretty darn exciting.

thank you to everyone, who has supported deb schwedhelm photography and | or my family. i appreciate it more than i could ever express in words.  i don't think my family would be together right now, if it wasn't for some of the blog comments i received during that time of indecision.

here's to 2010--a fabulous year full of love, peace, health and happiness!

and in celebration of an incredible 2009, i share a some of my favorite personal and client photographs from the year.

from coast to coast...

and somewhere in between.  our next assignment is...tampa, florida!!

so here's the deal -- steve is penciled in for a three year tour at macdill AFB in tampa, FL. however, pencils do have erasers and that's the reality of military assignments. nothing is ever a 100% sure thing, but we are pretty darn sure.  take that for what you will.  that's basically what i do. when steve told me, i was like

are you sure? so does that mean we're actually going? your name is officially attached to that job? it's kind of, sort of a sure thing? you're really sure?!

his reply, right.

one issue is that steve and the other guy's (the one steve is replacing) timing doesn't coincide, so we're not exactly sure when we're moving. best guess is sometime between june and september; however, the kids and i will for sure be there prior to 2010 school starting. the detailer said that he should be able to cut orders for steve (hard copy versus penciled in) the end of january. that will be that much firmer. our plan is to go to tampa during spring break to look for (and hopefully) buy a house.

actually now that i'm typing this...not moving in june would complicate things a bit because we really need to rent our KS house out in june (when the next class arrives). so it would probably be best that the kids and i left in june, even if steve can't.  he would probably just rent an apartment or something until he could assume the job in tampa. aye!

i've already researched schools (the first thing i always do when PCSing) and south tampa has some really great ones, which is a huge relief. i'm not so worried about kiele anymore, since her transcription services are now so well established on her IEP (beyond california).  it will happen. and if by some chance the school chose to challenge kiele's IEP, i'll be in court until kiele receives transcription (without a doubt, we would win!! i really am that confident about it at this point.).

it's crazy that i've lived in: detroit, MI washington DC biloxi, MS tucson, AZ ft walton beach, FL (where i met steve) whidbey island, WA san diego, CA lansing, KS and soon...tampa, FL.

we're super excited, as we've heard nothing but fantastic things about south tampa. normally i would say that i'm dreading the humidity because of my curly hair that i straighten every day, which turns yucky-frizzy-curly in the humidity but...my dreads have pretty much remedied that issue.

in celebration of getting back to the warm and the beach, i share some of my fav beach photos from 2009.

peace!

embrace the questions

i beg you...to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. don't search for the answers, which could not be given you now, because you would not be able to live with them. and the point is, to live everything. live the questions now. perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer. - rainer maria rilke

as i was cleaning my desk today, i came across a notebook with the above quote on the cover. and it spoke to me. so i share with you.

here's to living the questions in 2010 and not stressing about finding the answers...knowing they will eventually come and when they do, we will embrace and live the answers, just as we did the questions.

and now back to post-christmas cleaning.

happy birthday!

happy 5th birthday ryder! oh my gosh...my baby is five.  how did that happen?

ryder, i love you with all i have to love. and seriously cannot believe that my baby is now five and a big boy. thank you for being a good, kind, caring big boy. i love that you have manners and respect adults. i love that teachers share,

he's such a sweet boy.

you engross yourself in make-believe play just as well as your sisters, but with legos, super heroes, cars and playmobil. i could sit here and listen to you play like that for hours.

i can't wait to see where gymnastics takes you. you are strong and powerful and in a class with boys 2-3 years older than you. last monday, i knew you weren't feeling well, when you walked instead of ran your laps. when i asked you if you were okay, you shook your head yes and no, but said that you wanted to continue doing gymnastics. i let you. the minute you came up after the lesson, white as a sheet, i knew something was wrong. and within 30 seconds, you puked everywhere. only to puke again in about 10 feet away and slip and fall in it. while i was mortified that you puked so much, twice, at gymnastics; i was proud that you love gymnastics so much, you wanted to continue on, even when you weren't feeling the best. (although we did have a big long talk that you really shouldn't do gymnastics when you're not feeling so good). :-)

you learned how to ride a bike at 4 1/2 with barely any help. now, you long for a skateboard. and try soccer and football. and we can't wait to watch you do both.

you are an artist just like your sisters and can draw for hours. you write your letters well and are trying to put letters together, to make words. you're ready for kindergarten.

while we transitioned you into your own bed, with our move to KS, you discovered that if you sneak into mom and dad's bed in the middle of the night, mom will move over most of the time. (aye!).

you didn't transition well to the cold weather kansas brought us.  i had to force you to wear long sleeves and pants.  and then for the longest time, you rolled your pants to your knees.  you don't wear socks...ever, which drives me crazy because you have the stinkiest tennies.  most of the time (even in 20 degrees), your coat consists of a hoodie.

your daddy says i spoil you. and i probably do, although i'll never completely admit it.

i am proud of you. i can't wait to see where the next few years take you.

happy, happy birthday big boy!!

p.s. thank you for letting me take five-year-old photos of you.  and thank you for wearing your daddy's shirt from when he was a little boy, for the pictures.  you melt my heart.

+++

on a completely different note...

steve did not make XO.  i know those letters mean nothing to most non-military, but let's just say XO is kind of like the next step for one day becoming a commander.  what does that mean?  it means that steve will not be an explosive ordnance disposal (EOD) commander and instead will follow a different track; it kind of opens the doors to other paths in the navy.  many believe that this is a great thing--more options, less deployments, less time away from the family.

we're hoping to find out more about steve's assignment options next week.  some places that steve has mentioned are staying here another year, san diego and tampa.  BUT, we could very, very, very well end up going to somewhere completely different.  i think after steve talks to the detailer (the assignment man) next week, he should have some specific choices.

this phase of not knowing is tough. i really just want to know.

wishing you...

wishing you all a wonderful holiday season and really fabulous 2010!

the above image was the front of our christmas card, with our family's photo on the back.  and this year is officially the last year that i am mailing paper christmas cards.  next year, i plan to email and post on my blog only!  all the money that i would have spent on printing the cards, paper for our family's christmas newsletter and stamps will go to charity (having sent over 150 cards this year, that will be a pretty good amount of money to charity).

i also decided that every year, i'm going to include our christmas card and newsletter in our family's annual book.  i'm not sure why it took till the fourth book for me to think about this, but better late than never.

now off to clean the house and begin making the kids' forts.  this morning they asked me when i'm going to start and shared that it was the one gift that they really, really want.  well...how can i say no to that. this is my inspiration, from the movie the holiday (such a cute movie).  tried to find the video clip to share, but all i could find was this screen capture i did from the you tube clip, a while back.

prudent advice

found this blog today, through another blog through another and another.  it often works that way. i really love jaime's bits of wisdom shared.  can't wait to buy the book:  500 pieces of prudent advice for my baby daughter.  can't wait to read it with my kids.  and highlight my favorites.  and discuss why these things are important.  and add my own bits of advice, that may be different than jaime's.  maybe i'll use the book as a journal of sorts.  adding notes here and there.  something that could be passed down to my kids.  that will evolve over time.  can't wait!!

a few of my favorites...

1.  always send a thank you note.

2.  try to know what is bubbling around your heart.

10.  offer your seat to elderly and pregnant people.

95.  have a firm handshake.

98.  if you haven't worn it in a year, give it away.

99.  you are bound to experience disappointment.

116.  at the close of each day, fill your head with thoughts of how lucky you are.

181.  be where you are.

203. return your shopping cart.

213.  create a sense of family no matter where you are.

214. try not to wait eagerly for people to finish their stories just so you can tell your own versions that more directly involve you.

my mother-in-law is so awesome with handwritten notes.  i treasure each and every handwritten note i receive, as it's a rarity these days.  in 2010, i'm going to try and be better with writing handwritten notes.  and remembering birthdays.  i used to remember each and every birthday...meticulously.  photography consumed my life and sadly i've forgotten to acknowledge most birthdays these past couple years.

years ago, i heard the statement be the one to put your shopping cart back, on the radio.  i literally think of it each and every time i go shopping and...i have done it ever since.  no matter what the weather. or the circumstances.  i love jaime's added note on this topic: abandoning your shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot implies a sense of entitlement.  someone has to put it away.  that someone should be you.

on december 31st, i'm going through my closet and giving away everything i haven't worn in a year.  i have a few special things that i keep saying i'm going to wear.  but i don't.  they're going too.

my advice for today: love your life. smile often. and just be happy.

happy one-month dread birthday

since i'm on a blog posting roll today...and i just realized that today, i've had my dreads a month... and i've been wanting to share a dread update... well...

i love my dreads!! i really and truly love them. and i totally feel that i'm meant to have them; i don't regret the decision for a second. and i hope to have them for many years to come, especially since i hear that they just get better and better with time.

even some of the biggest doubters have been pleasantly surprised, when seeing them. so they say. or so they lie to me. my family seems to ummm...not really mind them. i can't say that they love them as much as i do, but they seem to be tolerating them quite nicely.

the other day, i had this conversation with ryder, while in the car: ryder: momma, your hair always looks crazy. me: i know, but isn't it awesome. ryder: it's crazy. me: lol.

and today, i read this book to sky's first grade class and talked about the beauty of being unique and embracing your differences. and then shared all about my dreads, which was fun.

for those interested... i wash my dreads once a week. and wash the loose front hair every other day. i do dread maintenance pretty much every day. and probably do too much.  there's these loops that happen within the dreads, which i crochet back in...although it's not really crocheting like you're thinking. and my roots. well, my hair seems to dread (mat, knot, etc.) on it's own rather easily...almost a bit too easy. i recently had a couple dreads start to mat together at the roots (and that's with me trying to keep up with them). separating them was not easy...and hurt. i know there's some folks that just let dreads mesh together when that happens; however, i think all of mine would do that if i let them.  and because my hair is baby fine, i don't have a lot of dreads to begin with. needless to say, i'll be paying close attention to my dreads trying to connect themselves together.

all in all, i think i have the front managed pretty well (whatever that means). the back of my head...let's just say, it isn't the prettiest (whatever that means). today, i actually came to terms with the fact that the back kind of looks like this...

i took these today with my iphone, for a friend.

this photo highlights my trouble spot in the back of my head. the spot that was trouble even pre-dreads. it's the one spot that i must roll around on throughout the night. pre-dreads, i would wake up with that spot completely flattened and matted--every. single. morning. the same thing continues; however, now none of the dreads want to lay over (cover) the spot.

one thing i've learned is that no matter how many photos of other people's dreads you look at, yours will most likely end up looking different than all of them.  your dreads...are your dreads and yours alone.

and well. i love that. and i love my dreads. i really, really do.  i'm totally happy with my dread-do.  and i guess that makes me one big happy carrot top!  :-)

inspired...

...by her.  to write this.  just like a good cry.  sometimes this is needed too: - i've struggled with confidence my entire life, although if you met me, you'd probably never know it until you really got to know me.

- i don't think i'm a great mother.  but i long to be.

- i have skeletor, grandma hands. always have.  my sister teased me about them as a child.

- i struggle with perfectionism.  it's not a good thing because i'm never good enough.  refer back to first point.

- i don't think i'm a great wife these days either.  apologized to my husband last night about that very thing.  referred to myself as a brat.  and i have a few friends that have reminded me in the past what a great husband steve is, along with being hot and...that i better be careful.  their statement hovers in the back of my mind. always.

- i have dreadlocks and like botox.  steve thinks it's hilarious and terrible at the same time.  oh well.

- i really want my dreads to be pretty dreads and work hard to keep them that way.  and i'm sure real dread heads laugh at me.  or worse. oh well.  it's not really a spiritual journey for me either, but it is a journey of sorts.

- i don't talk to my sister.  or my dad.  and only talk to my mom a bit.  i'm not sure it will ever change.  although it could, if i initiated healing the past.  for the moment, i did send my dad a christmas card with a note that said, i'm sad we never talk.

- i am a terrible communicator, except on my blog and email.  in person, i really suck.

- i'm proud of my husband.  for always working hard, giving 110% and doing the best that he can--no matter what position or job he's held (sad that the navy didn't acknowledge it).  and for simply being the amazing man, husband, father and friend that he is.  i don't tell him nearly enough.  but i just emailed him about it.  refer back to previous point.

- sometimes i want to quit photography  because of the competition of it all.  and refer to previous blog post...it's so, so difficult to not be consumed.

- i really, truly and deeply just want to make a difference.  and it makes me sick that i'm not already doing so.

- i wish i took this picture. or at least that it was my feet. i'd have it printed and hanging on my wall. but i didn't. i found it here.

- i read each and every blog post about 10 times before publishing.  i need to hurry and click publish with this one, before i change my mind and chicken out.

thank you terri. for being you.  for being honest.  always.  you inspire me.  and...i needed this.

finding time to exhale

recently, looking for feedback and thoughts from other photographers, a photographer friend shared this (i'm sharing with you, with her permission): I jumped into this business without a plan without knowing what I was truly getting into. I thought it would be easy, I thought it would be easy money, I thought I could do it all at night while the kids slept. Working outside the home was something I never wanted to do. I don't do it for the money; I don't have to work. I would rather downsize than be in a position where I had to work. I always wanted to be there 110% percent for my kids like my mom was for me. And I'm not, I am failing miserably in those areas. Yes, I am a perfectionist so I am hard on myself, but truly I am failing.

Allow me to explain...photography consumes me. It's gotten better with time, but it still consumes me. I get ugly and nasty when I am on the computer. It drives me nuts to be interrupted when I am on the computer and I basically turn into the HULK when someone tries to talk to me or ask me a question. It's awful and I hate it but yet I still do it!

Before photography I used to have a clean house, super clean house, you could eat off the floors clean house. I need clean to feel relaxed. I used to workout 4-5 times a week. I used to teach kickboxing. I used to cook healthy breakfasts, lunches and dinners. I used to hang out with friends. I used to have people over. I used to go to weekly Bible Studies. I used to read to my kids and rock them to sleep at night. I used to watch tv with my husband. I used to go to bed at the same time as my husband. I used to plan elaborate birthday parties for my kids. I used to help in my kids classes and do lunch duty. I used to plan crafts for my kids. I used to play playdough. I used to take the kids to the zoo and parks. And on and on the list goes.

i could have written so many of her words myself.  my friends and i often talk about this--not letting photography consume us, finding the balance, getting off the computer, being a better mother, being a better wife...balance, balance, balance. and yes, finding the time to just breathe.  deeply.

many people think that having a photography business and working from home would be easy.  it is so not easy; it's damn hard.  working from home is the toughest job i've ever had.  what's easy is--getting caught up in editing photos. and blogs, flickr, facebook, twitter, etc.  and when we spend hours doing that, we call it networking. and of course, we need to network, right?  that's what we tell our spouses.

my goal in 2010 is to truly be on the computer less and be with my family more.  i mean really present with my family.  not just sitting in the same room with them--my butt on the computer chair and all of them on the couch.  one photographer mentioned that at 3 PM, she shuts off her computer and doesn't turn it back on until her kids are in bed.  i think i'm going to start doing that.  and you know what, if i can't make it work, then i need to take on less clients.  there's no reason i should be giving my photography business more than 40 hours a week, but i do (most do!).

one of the things i remember most about my dad is that after he came home from work, all he did was sit and read the paper.  ugh...that's one of my biggest memories? :-( as things stand right now, i know that one of my kids biggest memories would be, my mom spent most of her time on the computer. and that makes me so sad!!  the time to change is now!!  they're young enough that i can transform that memory.  i want my kids to have memories of me laughing, playing, sharing and doing projects with them.  i want my kids to have memories of me truly being present with them.

for aspiring photographers, with families--don't rush.  do things right.  take the time to enjoy.  and work hard to find balance and structure from the very beginning as it truly is one of the most important things.  and one of the easiest things to spiral out of control.

just yesterday, this article came out yesterday in the NY times--this hobby looks like hard work, an article about building a career on etsy.  how yes, it is possible to make a lot of money doing what you love, working from home and selling on etsy, but...it's also a hell of lot of hard work.  i loved this final quote in the article:

what's the point of doing something you love, if you're too exhausted to do what you love?