inspired...

...by her.  to write this.  just like a good cry.  sometimes this is needed too: - i've struggled with confidence my entire life, although if you met me, you'd probably never know it until you really got to know me.

- i don't think i'm a great mother.  but i long to be.

- i have skeletor, grandma hands. always have.  my sister teased me about them as a child.

- i struggle with perfectionism.  it's not a good thing because i'm never good enough.  refer back to first point.

- i don't think i'm a great wife these days either.  apologized to my husband last night about that very thing.  referred to myself as a brat.  and i have a few friends that have reminded me in the past what a great husband steve is, along with being hot and...that i better be careful.  their statement hovers in the back of my mind. always.

- i have dreadlocks and like botox.  steve thinks it's hilarious and terrible at the same time.  oh well.

- i really want my dreads to be pretty dreads and work hard to keep them that way.  and i'm sure real dread heads laugh at me.  or worse. oh well.  it's not really a spiritual journey for me either, but it is a journey of sorts.

- i don't talk to my sister.  or my dad.  and only talk to my mom a bit.  i'm not sure it will ever change.  although it could, if i initiated healing the past.  for the moment, i did send my dad a christmas card with a note that said, i'm sad we never talk.

- i am a terrible communicator, except on my blog and email.  in person, i really suck.

- i'm proud of my husband.  for always working hard, giving 110% and doing the best that he can--no matter what position or job he's held (sad that the navy didn't acknowledge it).  and for simply being the amazing man, husband, father and friend that he is.  i don't tell him nearly enough.  but i just emailed him about it.  refer back to previous point.

- sometimes i want to quit photography  because of the competition of it all.  and refer to previous blog post...it's so, so difficult to not be consumed.

- i really, truly and deeply just want to make a difference.  and it makes me sick that i'm not already doing so.

- i wish i took this picture. or at least that it was my feet. i'd have it printed and hanging on my wall. but i didn't. i found it here.

- i read each and every blog post about 10 times before publishing.  i need to hurry and click publish with this one, before i change my mind and chicken out.

thank you terri. for being you.  for being honest.  always.  you inspire me.  and...i needed this.

unconditional love

posted this on my facebook.but thought i'd post it here too. because it's a beautiful documentary. and i haven't stopped thinking about it. but it will definitely have you in tears. had me downright sobbing!! seriously sobbing. seriously beautiful.

Last Minutes with ODEN from phos pictures on Vimeo.

five favs

i always love reading others' favorite things posted on their blogs, so i thought i'd start occasionally positing five of my favorite things. so, here we go... i recently read about elizabeth arden's prevage in a magazine and decided to check it out.  while at the counter, i discovered this lip protectant stick. it has SPF, which i love and it feels so good on my lips. it actually even smells good. i ended up going with their darkest color, which isn't really dark at all because it's a tint, rather than a lipstick.  and alba's terra tints.  i don't leave home without one.  a cheap, awesome lip moisturizer with SPF.

i (and everyone i've given them to) love these barefoot dreams adult throw blankets.  they're so soft and snuggly.  i'm wrapped in one almost the entire time, when in the living room...sitting in my computer chair or on the couch.

a few birthdays ago, steve surprised me with a harvey bag and i've used it ever since.  i get so many compliments on it.  the greatest thing is that it's crazy durable and will never really go out of style.  and how cool is it that they now have fancy harvey bags. i think i'm going to have to get one of these fab lola satchels.  love!  my current bag is grey and looks like this.

etsy.  if you don't know etsy, you must check it out--all things handmade.  i've purchased clothes, hats, headbands, prints, paintings, jewelry and more.  such a magical, inspirational place for christmas gift shopping.  i have this owl clock from etsy and love it.  i love giving handmade.  i love supporting handmade.

oooooh, i love dexter.  after steve got home from deployment, he got me hooked on dexter and yes, i am so hooked. i know this season just ended and i have heard it's awesome.  waiting patiently until season four comes out on netflix.  i miss him.

ETA:  how could i forget my beloved hunter boots?  i love, love them.  i have the originals in black, but am seriously longing for a yellow or green pair.  i wear them with casual.  i wear them with dressy.  you can see mine here in our family pic.  but, i've quickly learned that they're not exactly the warmest and require a good pair (or two) of socks on those really cold days.

just had to share

i meant to share this TIME article quite a while ago.  i had read it in november, while at kiele's last cochlear implant appointment.  it's such a great, super interesting, slightly controversial article. if you don't have the time to read it right now, print it.  and read it later.  totally worth the time to read. so much to think about. and then today, i came across this blog post. i wasn't aware of this blog before, but will definitely be following it from here on out.

i have to admit. i totally believe in free-range parenting. and i'm not afraid to discipline my children in public either. even if the old man in line behind me at the commissary disagrees with my public nose-in-the-corner disciplining for a purposely squished loaf of bread and tells me that i'm going to damage my children forever. my response:

i'm sorry you don't agree with my disciplining of my children.  but i have a well-behaved, kind, loving, good-natured 12 year-old, who seems to be doing just fine...and she was disciplined.

my free-range kids, who surprised me with this snowman a couple weeks ago...

forever treasure

i've briefly mentioned my family's annual book on my blog before, but wanted to share more, as it's one of my most treasured items.  prints on the wall come and go.  digital files usually stay wherever they stay.  but my books...i love them so!! i look at my books often. and i share my books often. some pages make me laugh out loud.  some pages bring tears to my eyes.  as i look, read and remember.

for my book, i include my most favorite photographs from throughout the year.  i also always include notes about each kid.  for example, this year, sky's says: loves, loves, loves to draw. gifted. great student. called "so memorable" by her teacher. witty and funny. snugly. and oh so cute! is a great friend to everyone. learned to read on her own. reading at a third grade level. doesn't mind messy. loves her animal figures and stuffed animals. and has a ton of them. strong. loves gymnastics and is doing awesome. great listener. loves to make people happy. misses her san diego friends--amaya and catie. enjoying her lansing friends--kimberly and aubrey. loves to sing. shy. learned to blow bubbles with bubble gum (and was so excited about it). became a confident bike rider. started out the year only wanting to wear dresses. ended the year only wanting to wear shirts and pants.

and then the rest of the book varies from year to year--quotes, stories, drawings, etc. whatever my heart feels is needed to complete the book for that year. last year was quotes. this year was personal stories, drawings and such.

we, of course, have a copy of each book, since i started in 2006. and then we give a book every year, as a christmas gift, to our parents and a couple other very special people in our lives.

i order the book from blurb. it's not quite the quality of my client books; however, it's much, much cheaper. and when there's 90 pages and i'm purchasing five of the books, i need cheaper. anyone can use blurb.  the interface takes a bit of getting used to, but once you get it, it's really pretty easy.

so i encourage you. to make something to document your family's year. it doesn't have to be professional. it doesn't have to be digital; you could scrapbook it. just something.  because they grow to fast.  and while we try so hard to remember, we forget many of the stories.  and whatever that something is, make it yours. i promise...it's time worth spending!! and something you will forever treasure!!

and click here to see a larger | better version

next year

along with everything posted here, next year i'm going to be a salvation army bell ringer.  for sure!  i'm hoping that i can convince my kids to do it with me.  surely, kiele will want to take part, as the girl has a heart of gold. i absolutely love everything (yes, everything!) color me katie does, including this handbells improv.  the only thing i wish...is that the surprise bell ringers stayed the entire time, with that guy.  or that they floated from bell ringer to bell ringer.  although, who knows...maybe they did.

love this.  makes my heart happy.  and since i'm an emotional mess these days (must be PMSing), it makes me teary.  happy, joy of giving, kind of tears.  of course.

have you seen this?

because it's so worthy of seeing. and reading.  and reading again.mr tolendano's days with his father.

i saw this project quite a long time ago, but i don't think it was complete back then.  and today, somehow while blog hopping, i came across it again. and viewed it again. pausing at each and every frame.

the photos are amazing. mr tolendano's words... he and his father's story. equally amazing. and beautiful

i sit here with a lump in my throat.  tears in my eyes. for the story, the beauty, the kindess that mr tolendano shares.

please take a few minutes. to view. and read. it's so powerful. and it will make you think. i promise. on one level or another.... it will make you think. and appreciate.

sweet changes

this is such a sweet electronic christmas card | gift. i discovered them through a blog i follow. i guess this couple has a no-christmas-gift agreement this year and instead, they are supporting a child in uganda. as i spent too much money and bought too many things for the kids this christmas, i've already begun thinking about some serious changes that i hope to make next christmas. one of the changes i'm very seriously contemplating is no gift giving! i haven't talked to steve about it yet, but i know he'd totally support it.  instead, i'd like to donate money to a couple charities, in the name of each person we would normally buy a present for. of course, the kids will still get some gifts from santa but i think we will even talk to santa about our family's wish to donate to charities...maybe we'll request just one or two really special gifts.

and as we purchased and addressed over 120 christmas cards this year, i thought about going electronic next year. not because i'm lazy. but because i'd rather have the money go to charity and save a couple trees at the same time.  when you think about how much the cards, labels, paper and stamps cost...that's a pretty good chunk of change going to charity.

lastly, i've now added sufjan stevens in my pandora (thanks to the christmas video below). digging his music!

Shaped, Coloured (Happy Christmas) from VsTheBrain on Vimeo.

feeling artsy-fartsy crafty

as long as i can remember, i've loved crafting.  when i was 10 or so, i so vividly remember making my aunt two large poster drawings for her new baby's room; i drew and colored them and was so very proud.  and i always loved cross-stitching.  i just loved working on any craft in general.  and now, my kids are the same way, including ryder.  they. love. crafts. as an adult, after getting out of the air force, i began digitally scrapbooking.  and when i was pregnant with ryder, i was a quilting fool.  and then, we moved to san diego and in 2006, my craft became photography, which i believe was my ultimate calling.  however, i still long for other non-photography-things crafty.  the problem?  time, of course, which i plant to elaborate on in my next blog post--the whole being a mother and work-from-home-photographer thing.  it definitely needs it's own dedicated blog post.

lately, i've been seeing all sorts of fabulous craft projects (via facebook and my google reader).  i long to get back to that place, where i am working on cool handmade projects.  and i want to do cool craft projects with my kids.  i want my kids to see the beauty and value of a handmade gift.

so this morning after breakfast with santa, we headed to walmart (the only craft-like store within 40 miles), in hopes of purchasing a bunch of craft supplies. and we did!  we bought items to make felt polaroid christmas ornaments, wooden ornaments and sun catchers for the kids to paint and some quilting supplies.  unfortunately, i had given all of my quilting stuff to good will (unfinished quilts, tons of fabric, patterns, cutting board, etc.), after not quilting for a couple years.  :-(

here's a few projects that i totally love and plan on doing over the next few months.  i'm so excited!!

i personally think there is nothing greater than getting a handmade gift at christmas time!!  i hope others do too.

felt polaroid christmas ornaments , tutorial by katie.cupcake

promendade market tote, pattern by denyse schmidt quilts

felt ball wreath, by pickles (i plan to hang mine all year long ;-)

here's a quick iphone pic of a hanging wall quilt i did for kiele in 2004.

you're important enough...

the below is summarized from cheryl jacob's amazing post on further exploring this concept:

every time you photograph someone, you tell them, ' you're important enough to remember.' make the most of it.

What if we, as portrait photographers, approached every session this way? How would it effect our interactions with our subjects, and therefore our work?

When you point your lens toward another person, you are telling them that they noteworthy; that of all the people in the world, they alone have your attention at this moment in time. You have the golden and rare opportunity to transform the simple act of photographing a person, into the forming of a human connection that didn’t exist before.

Challenge yourself to make all of your subjects feel important. Be generous with yourself. Slow down. Learn something significant about each of your subjects, whether they’re two years old, or eighty-two years old. Make a connection. Remember always that you get what you give.

i try and read cheryl's words often...and really think about them, which is why i end up posting about her quite a bit (she's just so darn inspiring).  she has so much wisdom to share. and...she's willing to share!! i don't want to just read her words and think they're great; i want to truly embrace them.

through reading cheryl's writings, i'm always encouraged to investigate myself as a photographer... why do i do what i do? what kind of photographer do i want to be? what kind of photography do i want to offer? what does it all mean to me? what is really important?

i deeply hope that each and every one of my clients can say that they had a great time and felt respected and important and...that they received photographs that they love and will cherish for a very, very long time.

this photograph is from my first client session--and a photograph that will forever be one of my favorites (and hopefully the client's too).  it's also a photograph that i brought to cheryl jacob's workshop, for review, back in 2006, shortly after launching my photography business.

together

the ache for home lives in all of us, the safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned.- maya angelou

this amazing woman took our family's photos this past saturday.  i can't even begin to express how much i treasure my own family's photographs...how special i think these photos are!!  i photograph so many others and often, by the end of the year, i'm wondering if i'll have my own family photos to cherish.  i've only seen two so far from our session...and i love, love, love them.

and you see ryder's smile?  yep, that really is his camera smile.  i've completely warped my son, to the point that he doesn't know what the heck to do with his mouth anymore, in front of the camera.  and so, i adore this shot even more--with all of us smiling, in our own unique way.

++++++

the other day, i visited cheryl jacob's blog and read this...

every time you photograph someone, you tell them,

you're important enough to remember. make the most of it.

how profound is that statement?!!  just think about it!  something i want to share with every one of my clients.

most of you know...i greatly admire and respect cheryl jacobs! she is the one, who in the beginning of my photography journey, offered me confidence and pushed me to move forward. she encouraged me that it's okay to be different; it's okay to be myself. cheryl is one mad talent, not only with photography, but also with words.  if you don't know her, you should definitely check her out.  and she's all film.  love her!

++++++

then i moved to my good friend|photographer|military spouse's blog (we were stationed together and friends pre-photography) and read this: knowledge is power. both our husbands are explosive ordnance disposal officers. both are up for the same career promotion. both our husbands are two of the hardest working naval officers i know. both our husbands feel the same about the whole promotion thing, as so eloquently shared in shawn's blog.

steve should find out if he was picked up for executive officer|XO in the next couple weeks. once we know that, plans will begin for steve's next assignment. options vary greatly, depending on whether steve makes XO or not, which is why we have to wait for the board results. we're hoping to find out our next assignment in january or february. to move again in june.

most of the time, i try not to go to that place...of moving again. i bury it in the back of my mind because thoughts of moving are accompanied by anxiety. but tomorrow, we have prospective renters coming to view our house. and so, the buried thoughts are trying to surface. and i'm trying hard to push them back where they belong, for now. it's a tough battle, but i think i'm winning.

each and every day... i think about how grateful i am that we did this move together, as a family!! it was so very, very close to not happening. and every day, i remind myself to cherish and focus on this amazing day...today!

let me introduce you

...to a most fabulous artist and friend, erin darcy. she has a magical personality, a soulful, beautiful spirit, an incredible way with words and is so darn talented. yes, i am in love with erin...and her work. i recently commissioned erin to do a piece of art for my house, which she's still working on. and later a camera girl--an idea i had, for our upcoming workshop retreat.  well camera girl quickly evolved into a series of camera girls, which will be available for purchase, in erin's etsy boutique, soon.  hopefully in the next few weeks.

i adore every bit of erin's work and would be proud to own and display any one (or all) of her pieces (if only i had more wall space).

please take a minute to check out erin's artwork here. so perfect for christmas gifts (and she's offering free shipping through the holidays)!!

and... here is me, as a camera girl--so magically envisioned and created by erin! i love her.

exciting news

my friend, leah, and i have been talking about doing a workshop for years now.  going back and forth... should we? shouldn't we? if we do it, we have to do it right. and we want ours to be different. truly and deeply inspiring. learning and growing... together. and then things started happening. sort of falling in our lap. and so we did.

for months, we have been working to make our workshop dream a reality. and today, we officially launched wallflower friends | a photographer's retreat. we feel so very blessed and grateful to be at this point in our photography journey and we're so excited to share!!

gratitude

we tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing what we do have.- frederick koenig

yes, it's thanksgiving and i'm thankful.  so thankful, i can barely stand it. i try really, really hard to be grateful each and every day...but on this day, a day that highlights being thankful and appreciative, the emotions overwhelm me.  i find myself teary throughout the day, as thoughts of gratefulness consume me. i was going to list some of my gratitude biggies but decided not to, as i don't want to forget anyone or anything.  but you know who you are and i am so, so grateful for you!!  truly and deeply.

on this day, i also go back to last year, when steve was not with us (for seven months), on thanksgiving...and i think about what we have today--together!!  this has been a really, really special assignment for us, where steve is home early almost every day and is an active part of each and every bit of our family.  we get to spend so much time together--time that i absolutely cherish and never want to forget.  next year will most likely involve another deployment and even if it doesn't, it will involve long work hours and time away from the family...which brings me back to being so grateful and cherishing every morsel of today.

i'd also like to say a special thank you to those who are not able to be with their loved ones today.  thank you for your strength through this holiday time and your days apart!!

i am so very blessed! i am extremely thankful!

happy thanksgiving everyone!!

my dread head

so today, my dreads are six days old...i love, love, love them.  and my family seems to be doing pretty well with them too. i really do feel that i was meant to have them, as funny as that might sound to some.  they're a part of me...my deblocks, as four-year-old miss molly calls them.  ;-) on dread day, i met stephanie at 9 AM.  we chatted for about 20-30 minutes and i was done at 10:30 AM.  how the hell she dreads so fast is beyond me.  i have a super sensitive scalp and i can honestly say it didn't hurt.  i also expected my scalp to be really itchy and that hasn't happened either.  maybe the itchy is still to come...i don't know (hoping i don't jinx myself).  i added one little dread today, in the front, which took me about 30-40 minutes (compared to stephanie's 30-40 seconds).  it pretty much looks like shit compared to the rest, but oh well...it, too, will fabulously evolve over time.

my plan is to do the maintenance on my dreads myself until spring, when i plan to visit stephanie again...for some real (probably much needed) maintenance.  btw...stephanie so rocks!  she's just a really incredible person and i feel blessed to have met her.  the time we shared was a magical, for sure.

will blog more another day.  in a hurry.  need to mail six client packages and pick up kiele to get a military ID and take her to an MD appointment.  then sooo many sessions to edit. these next few nights are going to be some really, really long ones.  but i'm damn thankful!!

here's a quick i-hate-taking-pictures-of-myself-but-want-to-share-my-dreads-with-you-so-i-will-painfully-do-it-anyways photo.

and here's miss molly...a one-of-a-king old soul, who i so adore!  thanks molly for loving my deblocks. :-)

in celebration

...of normal hair and welcoming the magical journey of dreads (see bottom of post) and a few questions and answers.  got this idea from a blog i love.  so here we go... 1. where is your cell phone? right next to me, although needs to be charged...soon!

2. your hair? normal, for the moment, as my 12-year-old says. to be dreaded tomorrow morning.

3. your mother? a survivor.

4. your father? i don't know. haven't talked to him in quite a while.

5. your favorite food? mexican. so yum!

6. your dream last night? can't remember.

7. your favorite drink? coffee in the am. wine in the pm. healthy, huh?

8. your dream | goal? i feel like i'm living one of my dreams, as a photographer. but i'd really love to volunteer together, as a family, hopefully while sailing the americas. and of course, continued health and happiness.  sappy, but so true.

9. the room you are in? living room.

10. hobbies? none really.

11. what is your fear? my ultimate fear would be drowning or burning.

12. where were you last night? home, working on the computer and then packing.

13. something you are not? lazy.

14. muffins: not really.

25. wish list items: hmmmm...will have to think about this one some more and come back to it.

26. where did you grow up? detroit, michigan. until i joined the air force at age 24.

17. last thing you did? took ryder to speech therapy.

18. what are you wearing? lucky sweats, t-shirt and anthro sparkly sweatshirt

19. your TV: atlantis cartoon right now, for ryder.

20. your pets? charley, the black cockapoo.

21. your friends: cherish them so!!!

22. your life: is amazing. i am so blessed and grateful.

23. your mood? excited. and a bit nervous.

24. missing someone? absolutely.

25. vehicle: volvo XC-90 and V70.

26. something you're not wearing: a bra.

27. your favorite store? anthropologie.

28. your favorite color? don't really have one.

29. the time you last laughed? last night.

30. the time you last cried? last month.

31. your best friend: i love.

32. one place you go over and over? the grocery store. ha!

33. guilty pleasure? anthropologie.

34. favorite place to eat? mexican restaurant.

35. where do you want to be six years? happy and enjoying life to the fullest with my family. always remembering to be grateful.

now your turn. if you answer the questions, please send me your link in the comments.  i'd love to read.

+++

i'm off to oregon today! dread appointment is tomorrow. tomorrow evening, i fly to san diego, for a bunch of client shoots. home monday night. will try and share some dread photos, from san diego...either by iphone pic or with the help of a couple friends. i'm so excited for my dreads and the journey they will take me on. hoping my 12-year-old will survive because i think she thinks i'm turning into a monster, while away. hoping she (and the rest of my family) will be pleasantly surprised.  i'm so thankful for my husband's support; i couldn't do this without love and understanding.

and in celebration of my last day with normal hair, i took this photo and left the following note for kiele, on her bed:

kiele, i am so proud of you and the young lady you have grown to be. you are truly beautiful inside and out. and you, my precious child, have taught me so much about life and have made me a better person. i know my getting dreads is tough for you, but i hope in the end you will love them. i hope that you will always think i'm beautiful for my beauty inside. and i hope you will always be proud of me...as your mother (dreads or no dreads). thank you for helping stevie with everything while i'm gone. love you to the moon and back! xo! momma

dread day

your hair looks like a rat's nest.- steve schwedhelm

that's what steve said to me this morning about the back of my hair, as i sat at my computer desk, after waking up. you see...my hair is fine, naturally curly and i have a lot of it (yes, i straighten it every time i wear it down). all that equates to it knotting super easy. always has, but with it being way overdue for a haircut, the knotting is that much worse. and so, being on the brink of my entire head of hair being in knots, steve's comment made me laugh.

my dread day is quickly approaching.  i fly to oregon on the 17th and my dread appointment is on the 18th.  not everyone understands why i'm doing this and i respect that; however, getting dreads is just something that i want and need to do.

i've heard everything about dreads... they're gross. they're dirty. they stink. you're going to look terrible. i'll support you but when you hate them, i'll say, i told you so.

and sure...some are gross and dirty and look terrible. but not all. i keep joking with my friends that i'm going to have pretty dreads. and i'm sure there are some hard core dread heads out there that will laugh at me and my pretty dreads. but oh well.

my dreads are going to be done by stephanie at akemi salon, in portland. she will be doing a type of crochet method to dread (knot) my hair. the other way is done by backcombing and coating the hair with wax. oh, and there's the other way...of just not coming your hair and letting it naturally do it's thing.  with the crochet method, no wax is necessary, which makes me very happy. i will not be using any wax at all on my dreads...ever.

another thing that many might not realize...dreads require a lot of maintenance. as growth happens, that hair has to be dreaded (crocheted or knotted) into the the dreads. this obviously requires time and assistance. many just go back to the salon every few months to get the maintenance done. not living near the salon, will require that i do much of the maintenance myself.  however, i will also be recruiting friends and family to help, with those hard to reach and see places. we're going to be like little monkeys as they help me groom my hair. :-)

while i'm so excited about getting my dreads, there is some natural hesitation, just as with any drastic hair style change (cut).  in college, i went from long to really, really short hair and the feelings i'm experiencing with dreads are similar.  a couple questions that often run through my mind... what happens if i hate them? what happens if my scalp is too sensitive?

throughout this process, one thing is for sure...i will always be honest.  if i love them, you'll know.  if i hate them or am having a difficult time with them, you'll know that too.

here's some pics that i found on the internet of dreads that i love. i'm going to leave some loose hair in front, kind of like the girl in the first photo (who just got voted off survivor yesterday).  i long for my dreads to be a bit longer but stephanie says that dread extensions are really tough, so i will have to let them grow naturally.

my dear friend, denise, got her dreads done by stephanie a little over three months ago. she actually just went back for a maintenance appointment last week. anyways, you can read more about her dread journey and the process here, on her blog. she also has photos of herself with dreads throughout her recent blog posts. she too, has the loose hair in front...and a magical head of free, flowing, beautiful dreads.

have a dread question (or any question really), feel free to ask.  i will add the answer to the bottom of this post.

trust yourself

you have to discover you, what you do and trust it.- barbara streisand

every time i come home from a photo shoot, i mark my favorites and begin editing my favorites of the favorites. one by one, the process continues over a week or two...

when i got home from this shoot, i marked and opened this photo right away and there it sat...for hours. i went back to it over and over again, just looking at it.

i love it. but why? i know this is a photo that a lot won't understand...or like. they'll probably think it's weird hmmm...but i love it. for some reason.

more time passed.  i edited a bunch of other photos.  and then i went back to this photo.  it went on like that for a while.

yes, there's still something about this image. that i love. i need to edit it.

and i did. a few times actually. and later, when michelle and i were chatting, she said,

what's it like to be in your brain?

of course, my response was,

huh? what do you mean?

i would have passed that photo right over and you've made it a work of art.

that got me thinking even more.

why? why did i connect with this photo, as i did?

after a lot of thought, it hit me.  and i shared some personal thoughts with her...

it's the beauty. the mystery. running from our past. a past of troubles. and pain. to a future of happiness. the thought of possibly not having what he have now. and being lost without it. this could be you. it could be me. or it could be someone that's stuck in the middle and trying to figure it all out.

+++

i often talk about how (for me) photography is more than just shooting, pressing a button to process the images and handing the photographs over to my clients. it's about feeling each and every image. not that every image evokes an intense amount of feeling, but that's part of the beauty of it all--recognizing those that do.

yesterday, my dear friend, erin, talked a bunch about crafting your style--your particular voice.  and i so loved what she said here:

style can also be interpreted as a particular voice.  what do you want to say?  i firmly believe that to have your own voice through a camera, you really need to know who you are as a person.  what do you want to say as an individual?  if you know what you want to say as a person, then it becomes infinitely easier to know what you want to say through your camera.

find yourself and trust yourself and make sure that when you find your voice, it speaks loudly throughout, from beginning to end.  it's definitely a process...finding yourself and all.  a magical one of sorts.  however, it is also one that will occasionally be sprinkled with moments of self doubt, which brings me back to...trust yourself.

ETA:  i have to remind myself of all this over and over again.  having confidence and trusting myself doesn't come easy.

just being me

i'd rather be happy every day, than sadi'd rather be laughing every day, than crying i'd rather be me, than someone i'm not. - author unknown

i was contacted a while back by this amazing photographer.

hi!  i'm seriously interested in you doing our family's photos this year.

really?  no way.  i seriously love your work. the session was scheduled.  and then rescheduled twice, due to weather (something i'm not really used to happening, having relocated from san diego and all). but thank goodness...because the session finally happened yesterday and it was such a fabulous, fabulous day.  michelle and family drove four hours for me to do their session.  needless to say, i was beyond flattered.  actually, it went more like this...

i can't believe she wants me to do her family's photographs. oh man, i'm so nervous. i really hope i don't fuck these up. i hope she's happy with what i show her. i still can't believe she wants me to do her photos.

it's hard photographing a fellow photographer's family, especially one you so admire. it's funny because you look at other photographers' work, with admiration for what they produce....knowing it's different than yours.  sometimes it makes you question what you produce.

over the days, i went back and forth thinking...

i don't shoot like her. will she be happy with the way i shoot...with what i show her?  how will i pull this off?

but in the end, i realized (again) that i have to be confident in myself and what i produce.  i am not everyone else.  i am me! and i know that i'm being wholeheartedly true to myself and giving each and every client (fellow photographer or not) all i have to give.

yesterday was a magical connection (one that i'll blog more about tomorrow) and some of my favorite photographs ever.

i'm grateful for opportunities like this. so very thankful...that she trusted me, to do this for her. so very, very blessed to be doing what i love (although sometimes i still can't believe it :-).

here's a few of my favorites...

lucky

it's about a moment in time, about fun, youth and courage.it's about a time when quality and pride came first. we always marched to the tune of our own drummer and never lined up to do it like everybody else. we are about innocence, courage and fun. it's about when you hear something that takes you back to the moment when you felt free, young and hopeful.

so i noticed today that the above was written on the inside of my new, hot pink, most fabulous LUCKY BRAND hoodie.

i've always loved LUCKY BRAND. and now i love them even more.

i hope to always feel young, courageous and hopeful.

HAVE A NICE DAY :-)