anyone can give up...not me!

anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. but to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.”- author unknown

always remember, you have within you the strength, the patience, and the passion to reach for the stars to change the world. - harriet tubman

over the past few days, i've sent my husband a number of emails--not the pleasant ones about how much we miss him and can't wait to have him home--no, he's been receiving my stressed out emails, sharing the negative information i've been receiving from others about RI's deaf/hard-of-hearing state of being. i was so trying to think positive, especially in the beginning, but when you're hit email after email, call after call, with negative information about the deaf/hard-of-hearing services...it's hard to remain positive (although i still try and do so). a small excerpt from an email today, from someone who currently lives in rhode island:

the school systems in RI are full of corruption and red tape - it's rather tough.

with all my heart, i hope i'm amazingly, wonderfully surprised at how great kiele's school transition goes.

and then... today, i received the following email from my husband (i had emailed him about how f&%#(*@ up things were and that i'm not sure we would be able to go with him to rhode island b/c things were just too hard)...

Well I really didn't know how to reply and waited a day to see if I saw anything else from you. I read your blog and it seems in there like you are still considering moving. It would really, really, really suck to be out there without you and the kids. I know you are stressed about the schools and you might think that I just don't care, but I think everything will be fine out there. I think Kiele is amazing and even in the toughest situations she does amazingly well.

It would be ridiculous for me to be there by myself and have that be the only time in my career (20 some years) where I could have more time at home, enjoying life with my family. I just want to have time hanging out with you guys; I don't want to be sitting there hearing how tough it is in San Diego and all the things I am missing out on. There are a lot of I's in those sentences but it is for us that I say it. I don't think living apart for another year in this kind of situation is a good choice. and like that...everything fell into place. it was exactly what i needed...a roundabout kick in the ass, in my husband's ever so polite way, to get myself refocused.  we're moving this summer. i can do this...for kiele...for our family...and maybe even for other deaf/hard-of-hearing kids in rhode island. i will advocate for what is appropriate, with all my might. and i won't give up. in the end, i will win b/c i'm advocating for what's appropriate, right? how can i not win? i have the strength, the passion and the determination to do this. i can and i will.

++++++

some have emailed me regarding the possibility of living in CT and kiele attending school there. i'm currently investigating that possibility; however, i'm not sure how feasible it is b/c steve's drive to newport would be 1-2 hours (depending on where in CT).

also, i wanted to thank everyone for their friendship and support. so many have gone out of their way to inquire with friends they know in RI, research things on the internet for me, email words of encouragement, etc. thank you. thank you. thank you.

++++++

steve, thank you honey, for being so calm and collected, amidst my stress. thank you for being the most amazing husband and father. thank you for being you...and loving me.  i can't wait till you're back home with us!

our pre-deployment photo, taken a few days before he left:

changing times

your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. and most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. they somehow already know what you truly want to become. everything else is secondary.- steve jobs

have we gone back to the 80s? it's crazy to see the fashions that are on the horizon. mc hammer pants? really? but...they call them harem pants now. it's going to be funny over the next months to see these 80s fashion trends evolve.

what else is changing? well... i've been researching rhode island like a mad woman. internet. emails. phone calls. houses to rent. potential schools. deaf/hard-of-hearing (DHH) services. what i've discovered is that rhode island is way behind the times when it comes to oral DHH. kiele currently receives real-time transcription in her classes (kind of like a court reporter--kiele has a computer, the transcriber has a computer, and then the transcriber types every word that is said in the class...it then feeds real-time to kiele's computer for her to read). i guess you could say it's a bit like closed-captioning on your TV, which we just happen to use 100% of the time in our house. sooo, through my research, i've discovered that no DHH child in rhode island has or has had real-time transcription. i plan on confirming this by inquiring statistics from the special education department via the public records act. what does this all mean? it means that i very well may face quite a bit of resistance, in getting kiele the appropriate services for her DHH needs, if we move to rhode island. i've heard things like,

get your boxing gloves on you're in for a fight you'll most likely end up in court with the district.

i know how to fight the fight, if i have to but the problem is...i don't have the time in rhode island. we're there for ONE year.

is it worth it to do the move? is it worth it to displace the family, to only end up displacing them again in one short year? is it worth it to go to rhode island, where everyone has told me i'm in for a fight to get kiele what's educationally appropriate?

but then i switch gears, when the other side of my brain kicks in, and i think...

is it fair to the little ones to be apart from their daddy for a year (on top of the 7 months they will have just done)? maybe this is how things were meant to be...and i can advocate for the rhode island DHH kids and families, who might not know any different.

i was speaking with one lady in rhode island special education yesterday and after i shared with her that we are a progressive DHH family and that i'm well aware of what is appropriate for kiele's needs and i'm willing to fight for what's appropriate, she sarcastically said:

good for you. maybe you can go into law making while you're here too.

well, she better watch out b/c if i do end up in rhode island...while i might not end up in law making, i will surely advocate for others on what is possible and that they can fight for what is appropriate for their child. and hopefully pave the way and make a difference for others that might not know any different than the DHH ways and thinking that currently exist in the state.

i don't know the answers at the moment. i really have no idea at this point what we will end up doing--staying here or moving to rhode island with steve. i have to sit back for a bit and just digest this all. then i have research some more and digest some more. and i haven't even had the opportunity to talk to steve about all this b/c he's been so busy in iraq. the poor guy just keeps getting my stressed out emails.  it's hard (some days harder than others) but no matter what, i can promise you one thing...i will have given my all and done my best to try and make the best decision for our family.

fucking brilliant

yep, i said it.  and i mean it.  a fucking brilliant video, with powerful messages throughout.  i've met this man (and his wife) in person, at one of his one light workshops, and he is one of the most amazing people i have ever met. full of life. full of knowledge. full of inspiration. that man is zack arias. this video is something that i feel should be required viewing for every photographer--new to the business, seasoned photographer, portrait photographer, wedding photographer--every photographer.  and if you're not a photographer, watch it.  trust me...no matter who you are or what you do, it will be worth your time.

you can watch the video below or check it out on zach's blog... on his feb 17th post. make sure you watch it all the way through!

thank you zack... for reminding me what it's all about. i personally, will be coming back to this video again and again...and again.

what are you saying?

when you're dead

skyler:  hey mom.  when i'm old and you're dead, can i get two dogs? OMG...i about fell out of my chair. the little ones keep asking me for another dog, which is where the above question stemmed from.  that came shortly after the kids' conversation about who was older--steve or i. it went like this:

kiele: guess who's older. mommy or daddy? skyler: mommy is older b/c she has way more wrinkles. ryder: what's wrinkles? skyler: they're the lines that go down her face. kiele: they're saggy skin, like a bulldog has. ryder: oh, i get it now. me: i don't have that many more wrinkles than daddy. skyler: yes, you do.

the things that they sometimes say...oh. my. gosh! and that skyler, she makes me laugh like no other, which i'm so thankful for.

++++++

i've been having a tough few days. stressed about this and that.  short with my kids.  i'm allowed to, right? i think it's all just getting to me. and i'm damn ready for my husband to be back home now.

my mind is on overdrive, thinking about and working on everything i need to get done.  i'm a bit (just a bit) of a control freak and a perfectionist.  and my mind is flooded with thoughts of...

finding the most appropriate middle school for kiele. finding a house to rent in the same city, where the middle school is. researching DHH services in RI, which involves tons of internet research and many, many phone calls and emails. beginning to get kiele's paperwork ready for transition to new school. trying to get the jeep up for sale. contemplating selling other car, which has over 150K miles. trying to find a new car or two. continuing life at home as both mother and father. struggling to continue cleaning house, as i once did. beginning organizing for the move (practically my whole house ends up in ziploc bags). trying to get kiele new cochlear implant batteries and a charger b/c hers broke.  we're borrowing a battery and charger from a friend right now. trying to do it all, with a husband in iraq, who i can't talk to when i want or need to talk to him

steve would tell me not to worry and stress about all this stuff (if it gets done, it does and if not, that's okay too) and i'm sure he'll be saying exactly that, once he reads my blog, but...when steve gets back, we'll only have about a month before we move. i don't want our month to be consumed by all the above crap and moving is just plain stressful as it is. i want to enjoy my husband's arrival back home.  i want to do nothing except spend time and enjoy one another as a family--a complete family.

and to be completely honest, there will be an adjustment period when steve gets home. and i don't want to make this time--this time of adjustment and reintegration of the deployed person-- any more challenging by worrying about finding a rental, selling cars, etc.  while a military homecoming seems all grand and joyful, the weeks after a homecoming are not as easy as it sounds. sure, initially, it's absolutely amazing but then there's the adjustment and that, my friends, can be a bit difficult, as any military spouse will tell you.

in closing, i leave you with a photo of ryder and our one dog, charley.  

have you seen it?

good actions give strength to ourselves and inspire good actions in others.- plato

have you seen... max's ring of fire foundation website

there is the most wonderful slideshow/video of max on the website (bottom right). i sit here with a lump in my throat, tears in my eyes and hope in my heart...hope for the cure.

one of things that i love about max's parents (beyond how great they are in general) is that even after the loss of their son, they aren't giving up their hope or their fight. and they've taken things one step further, with the creation their own organization, max's ring of fire.  their organization will continue fundraising for dr sholler, who was max's neuroblastoma specialist, and continues to tirelessly work to find drugs that may someday cure children of this very difficult-to-treat pediatric cancer.

as you're visiting the site, please consider donating...every dollar helps.

what is Heaven?

Heaven is pretty, colorful, really big and very far away. Jesus, Joseph, Mary, animals, old people and sick people live in Heaven. - A, age four

Heaven is brown. Angels are in Heaven. Dogs are in Heaven. Kitties are in Heaven. People are in Heaven too. Cake is in Heaven. In Heaven, there are dresses. Jesus lives in Heaven. - G, age three

Heaven is like space. There is cotton candy and lots of love. There is gold on the streets and fireworks. Jesus lives there and lots of people. - R, age four

Heaven has Jesus, but I don't know what else because I've never been there. - D, age five

a friend of mine shared with me today, that i haven't blogged in a while and he wondered if i was okay. well...i'm okay! i've been donating a lot of work lately and i've basically been caught up in that (and life without a husband around).

preschool photos a book for one auction 1st grade photos 2nd grade photos a book for another auction photos for a family, with a boy with progressing cancer photos that i donated for an auction last year

and it all takes time. i love it but yes...it does takes time. and that's what i've been doing lately. it feeds my soul, but i do know that i have to be careful. can one give too much? i don't think so but, i really do have to be careful because i can get so caught up in the giving, i won't have time for my own family. so, in the end...as usual, it's all about balance.

above are a few of the quotes from the book and below is a screen capture of the preschool book that i'm working on (although not quite finished yet; i'm missing a few things still), which will be auctioned off at the school auction (FIFTY-TWO GLIMPSES OF HEAVEN | a preschool project). i did portraits of all 52 preschool kids and then had each of them draw a picture of Heaven and describe their picture. their pictures and words are truly priceless.

don't ever forget to give when you can.  it feels so good.

flexibility is the key

 if you are truly flexible...there is really very little you can't accomplish in your lifetime.- anthony robbins

remember how i said, in a previous post, that nothing is firm in the military until orders are in hand (and even then, i can't say that it's 100%). well, the roller coaster continues...

the latest...we're moving this summer, to rhode island for a year (and then who knows after that).  steve will be earning a second masters degree there.  i guess this is pretty firm but, steve still wants to inquire about a fellowship in DC, that was recently announced. he's not sure if he's eligible to apply so he's supposed to call the coordinator on monday. yes!  flexibility...it's one of the major keys in being a military spouse.  that along with lots of strength and understanding.

at one time i had said that there was no way that i would move for only a year...because of kiele's school needs. there's a lot of accommodations that need to be set up for kiele's deaf/hard-of-hearing needs (deaf itinerant teacher, FM system, transcription, etc.) and that takes a lot of time, organization and upfront work. some schools districts are definitely easier than others and i really don't know until i get the ball rolling.  san diego has been one of the best.

but after doing 3 1/2 months of being all and doing all, i'm not sure i could do another year by myself, right after this 7 month deployment. while i consider myself strong and we do just fine...being apart for so long just plain 'ole sucks.

in the end, i've decided that the most important thing for all of us is that we just need to be together.  and i will bust my ass to make sure that kiele gets all the educational accommodations she needs in the classroom.

ETA:  i received this from steve, after i told him that i was excited to go to RI together as a family: That is awesome babe. I am REALLY excited about living together. Love you and looking forward to being home, our cross country trip to Newport, and lots of time at home!   it's just funny to me how we can have such conversations and they are normal. should such a conversation be normal?

and because i think every post needs a photo, here's ryder shooting me, with his preschool-made camera.

missing him

where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you.- edna st. vincent millay

exactly three months to go. may 6th is the date steve is supposed to get back home, although as any military wife knows--you can't really count on that date.

deployments are kind of like labor...you don't really remember the feelings, the emotions, the pain, until you're actually going through it again.  i thought that when i got to this point, it would start getting easier; it would just be smooth sailing.  but it's not. i actually feel like it's getting harder. it's kind of like groundhog day these days. same shit (me doing everything) every day...over and over again.

i miss having my husband here by my side. i miss having my best friend. i miss being able to talk to him whenever i want. i miss being able to talk to him, when i need him. i just plain 'ole miss him. a lot.

steve sent me these unclassified photos the other day and i just keep looking at them over and over again.  sigh.

p.s. steve is the guy without the mustache ;-)

 

follow your heart

follow your heart, but be quiet for a while first. ask questions, then feel the answer. learn to trust your heart.- author unknown

most of you know that following my heart is what led me into photography; as long as i can remember, i had dreamt of one day being a photographer.  well i also have always loved to teach (i did it often as a nurse), which leads me to...

i am strongly considering offering individual consulting/mentoring via phone, email, skype and/or in person. i've already started working some basic consultation information; however, each session would be customized to the needs of the person. i don't want this to be only for photographers at any certain level...and regardless of one's level, everyone's photography strengths, weaknesses, needs, etc. are different.  i still  have a number of details to work out but i wanted to see how much interest was out there regarding such a program.  one thing i can guarantee--i would be open and honest in what i share.

if you might be interested, please send me an email at deb@debsphotographs.com

humor

a person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs. it's jolted by every pebble on the road.- henry ward beecher

most that know me, know that i don't have a very good sense of humor. i've gotten better over the years but i'm seriously still lacking. don't get me wrong...i can laugh with the best of them but i have always wished i could laugh at more.

but not my skyler. she has her daddy's sense of humor and is pretty darn funny. she keeps me laughing and keeps me on my toes. even the way she giggles gets you going; when she laughs, you can't help but laugh right along with her.

and that brings me to yesterday. sky was in her room and when i walked by, i noticed this awesome light coming in through her window. i brought out my camera and of course, ryder had to get in the action too. so there was ryder laying on the bed and skyler looking at her princess self in the mirror. i bring the camera up to my face and not 10 seconds later, she's mooning me. i guess she thought it would make for a more interesting picture.  and she thought it was the funniest thing ever...as did i.

i guess i have my "THE END" page to my annual 2009 family book. just so happens that it's been skyler's end every year.  gotta love her.

hope you have a wonderful weekend filled with love and laughter.

getting easier?

missing someone gets easier every day because even though it's one day further from the last time you saw each other, it's one day closer to the next time you will.- author unknown

well, i'm not so sure how true the above quote is, but i like to think so. we started this deployment, knowing we were going to be apart for over 200 days. and the kids and i have been talking about how when we get to 100 days remaining until daddy gets home, we will make 100 rings and begin officially counting down the days.  

well, that time is now...today, we're actually at 97 days (i was a bit late on making the rings).  the kids were excited to remove three rings today, but i made it clear that they can only remove one ring a day and removing more than one ring doesn't bring home daddy any faster.

less than 100 days to go. woo hoo!  that is exciting!

++++++

the assignment roller coaster continues. the latest--monterey, CA (middle eastern studies grad program). right now, that's what we're hoping for because steve says that if he doesn't get monterrey, he'll most likely go to KS.  and KS means another year apart, as i can't move kiele for only one year. it takes about a year to get all her deaf/hard-of-hearing education services set up. if steve does go to KS, we'll probably be able to see him once a month and spend major holidays together, but it's still tough. and sometimes i think the 'home again | gone again' routine might be even harder for the little ones.  we will see.  and like i said in a prior post, at this point, steve still could possibly end up getting a completely different assignment.

have you seen this story

gives me the chills just thinking about it. click here to watch.

i promise...it's worth your 2 minutes 45 seconds!

who knows the background of the story but hopefully the boy will be playing in every game now (if he wants ;-)

what we give

we make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.- winston churchill

a friend and i were talking today. she's a military spouse and photographer also and relocating in march to VA, after only being in FL for about six months. she was talking about how when she restarts her photography business in VA, she really wants charity work to be a significant part of her business. i...feel the same way.

giving back is and always will be an integral part of my business and who i am as a person. there's times when i wish i could give more but i do what i can, for the place that i'm in and at right now. later, when my kids are older and my husband is home more, maybe i can give more.

while i never, ever expect to get anything in return, i always do.  i get the good for your soul kind of something--that something that cannot be touched, but instead felt with your heart and soul.  that's what i get and that's what giving is all about.  but every now and then, i get an incredible little treasure like this...

deb, you are so amazing. i wish there were words to tell you how much this means to us. the gift you give to people is so powerful and something that is timeless. i remember when i was sick i would look through our coffee table book and cry. i could literally remember that entire day and all those emotions. but that coffee table book gave me hope. it reminded me of the love we had at a time when i so lost. it brought back feelings that helped me to know that everything would be ok. what you do cannot be described with words. i just wish somehow i could repay you. if there is anything i can ever do, please don't hesitate.

give what you can. give when you can. just give something... and see how good it feels.

i'll close with a couple photos of sam and his family.  shooting sam is one of my ways of giving back.

p.s. speaking of giving. i still have to announce my giving is awesome winner, which will hopefully happen this week.  

finding strength

you have power over your mind.realize this and you can find strength. - marcus aurelius

some days are easy.  some...not so easy.  regardless, i keep going day to day.  trying to be patient. trying to keep smiling.  trying to keep it all together.   but then...then i hear, 

is daddy going to die in iraq?

and while i choke back the tears, i say,

of course not.  daddy is on a safe base in iraq.  daddy's not going to die.  he's fine.

what else am i supposed to say?  well, i know he was safe last night when we talked to him.  what today has brought his way...i do not know.  and i'm not sure when i'm going to know.  could be a few days. maybe a week.  maybe more.  there's no way for us to call him. we have to just wait and hope that we're home when he does call.

this is life.  my life.  right now.  with a deployed husband.  

when i'm feeling down or unmotivated, i try and remind myself of all i have to be grateful for. i remind myself how so many others have it tougher--way tougher--than we do.  just thinking about some of the families i've recently photographed offers me a huge reality check...and a tremendous amount of strength and courage. there's a military spouse, who's going to deliver her baby in two months without her husband; he's deployed and will return when their baby is four months old.  there's a 36 year old mother of three fighting for her life, with adrenal cancer metastasized to the lungs.  there's a family, who recently lost their seven-year-old son to neuroblastoma.  there's a family, who just got the news that their eight-year-old son has six new neuroblastoma lesions on his legs and head.

so i give myself a little nudge, get my thoughts straight and remember...

i can handle this.   i can handle this.

++++++

i leave you with a few photos from this past weekend...the pregnant military spouse mentioned above, who is absolutely glowing with beauty, grace and strength.  

a story of kindness and trust

we heart linda's donuts. always have. but do so even more now. i asked the kids if they wanted to go get donuts this morning, something that we did often when daddy was here.

yea...yea, they excitedly screamed.

once i was ready, i told the kids to jump in the car.

no, we don't want to drive, they both agreed.

they actually both wanted to scooter, which made me happy. i grabbed charley, the keys, a 20 dollar bill and off we went.

linda's is a little over a half-mile away...a decent distance for the kids. the air was brisk and we were enjoying our conversation together along the way. one block from the donut store, i noticed that my 20 dollar bill was gone; i had been holding it in the same hand with my keys because i had no pockets. i thought that maybe i had lost it when i pressed the crosswalk button. i went back to that area, but no money found.

i knew the kids were going to be so bummed, to have to turn around and go back without getting donuts so i decided to go to the donut store, tell them what happened and see if they would let us get our donuts and then come back by car to pay. i was a bit worried because it wasn't the owner at the front, which it usually is...and he's familiar with us (i think). i asked anyways, hoping that i wouldn't have to disappoint the kids and head back home donut-less. and they let us; they gave us our donuts and trusted me to come back to pay. i was so thankful. of course, when i came back, i came with money and camera in hand. had to document this donut shop, we so enjoy. and document a story of kindness and trust.

we heart linda's.

inspiring hope

first, i'd like to preface this by saying that i'm not into politics at all. but here we are.  a moment in history. and no matter what the outcome of the next four years, this day will forever be remembered and talked about.   i just hope that obama (and others) live up to their word...to their promises. time will tell. if nothing else, it's going to be an interesting four years...that's for sure.  personally, i'm full of hope; hoping for the best--in not only our president, but in all of us.

yesterday, while on the treadmill at the gym, i saw ashton and demi's "I Pledge" video.  have you seen it?  if not, you can check it out here.  i seriously hope that these celebrities aren't blowing smoke out their ass, but very possibly a few of them (or more) are. but with that being said--i hope that, with the influence that some celebrities have on others, the video can and will inspire change...to do better...to give more...to just be a bit better in some way...any way. and to be fair, don't just watch the video; read the comments. 

what do i pledge? i pledge to be a better mother and wife (blogging for another day). once steve is back, i pledge to do monthly community service--as a family. i pledge to be more patient and a kinder person to others.  i pledge to think positively and give this new president a chance.

p.s. b/c i heard the obamas talk about it on the news yesterday...as a military spouse, i'm ready for the support that our president and his wife speak about for our veterans and their families. we will see. we will see.

spiritual journey

spirituality to me is the greatest discovery of life...for me, spirituality is recognizing that i am connected to the energy of all creation—that i am a part of it and it is always a part of me.- oprah winfrey

i was at the gym the other day and while running on the treadmill, oprah came on the TV--an episode on spirituality.

spirituality is an instinct. when we talk about spirituality, we talk about something that is already inside us, the instinct that we are more than mind and bodyy, said elizabeth lesser. spirituality is often simply accepting where life takes you.

some other thoughts on spirituality, from the oprah show...

eckhart tolle described spirituality as a state of openness, a connection with yourself, being aware of the aliveness of this present moment.

marianne williamson described spirituality as coming to a point where you can say to yourself, i want to be the person i'm capable of being. i want to be that. making the choice to try our best.

rabbi kula states, you have to practice becoming alert, becoming more conscious, becoming aware...becoming kinder, more compassionate and more caring. when you are grateful for things, you develop your heart.

rev. bacon says spirituality is where we stop, breathe, become still inside...to experience something larger than we are.

michael beckwith states that everyone is spiritual. when you begin noticing the things you are grateful for, you will stop seeing the obstacles. you see possibilities and potential--open to more inspiration, more wisdom, more guidance.

++++++

yes. yes! YES!

i cannot even begin to express how much i connected with the words i heard.  i don't think i've fully discovered my spiritual potential; however, i definitely believe that i'm on my way. and the journey feels good.

friendship

friends are an integral part of your life, but every friend you have must live life at their own pace. when the time comes and they must leave you, there is no need to grieve over their parting from your life. it is the very essence of life that it should be so. but it hurts nonetheless, but we hold them in our hearts forever. always cherish the joy, laughter, memories and love that they have brought into your lives. always remember them with a warm smile for what they have given you.- a beautiful mind quote

being a military family, this is something that happens often...location to location, we make friends, knowing that we will soon part ways. some friends you never speak to again. others, you know they will forever be your friend. some of these friendships are maintained on the phone, hoping that one day you'll see them again. others, if you're lucky, you are able to see maybe once a year. my friend, gwenn, is one of those friends.

gwenn and i were stationed at davis-monthan AFB together, as nurses. she left tucson in 1999 and we've been long distance friends ever since. it's hard to believe it's been 10 years now. we went years without seeing one another but have been lucky enough to live five hours apart for the past couple years. so right now we've been able to see each other once or twice a year. and when we do, it's like were were never apart.

this was gwenn and i, in 1998. she's in the blue uniform. i'm in the white uniform.

gwenn came to visit me this weekend, with her four-year-old. we had such a blast together. reminiscing, sharing, laughing.

i am so blessed to have these special friends in my life.

hump-deployment

hump-deploymentnoun - the mid-deployment hump - the middle of the deployment - the hump that you have to get over

and i'm working hard to get through it.  

i've concluded that hump deployment and even getting through a deployment, in general, might be related to fight or flight response.

deployment starts and you have this unexplained energy. this energy from within, that begins when your spouse deploys. that keeps you moving and going, no matter what is thrown your way.  this ability to be both mother and father.  and do all things necessary, without much sleep. this unexplained energy that keeps you going and going and going.

but all of a sudden, i'm tired.  overly tired.  feeling like i can't make it one minute past the little one's bed time, which is 8 PM (7:30 PM lately).  and yesterday, as i was driving home from gymnastics, i was thinking,

i've been doing this for over three months. can i really keep going for another four more months? i'm all of a sudden feeling so drained. it's like it's groundhog day; i'm on auto pilot...just doing over and over again. i have no choice. i have to keep going. i will keep going. everything will be okay.

it's like i was filled with these batteries, with a three month battery life. and now i'm on a mission to get me some new ones. fully recharged and ready to go--for another three plus months.

so as i officially (with myself) coin the term, "hump-deployment". i look to find these hump-deployment days as a time of realization and celebration.

shit...i'm actually almost halfway there. we're all still alive. and doing well. that's something to celebrate. and now my new batteries are in. it's all downhill now. and i'm ready to go.

may 6th. it's getting closer and closer. our day of celebration. to celebrate our family becoming complete again.

++++++ now back to laundry, cleaning my house for tomorrow's company, working out, business stuff (editing ordering, etc.), putting packages together for the post office and most of all--hoping that steve calls today. sigh. i miss him.

children are like wet cement

children are like wet cement. Whatever falls on them makes an impression.- dr haim ginott

yesterday, the little ones and i spent a painful three hours in the car scouting a new location. on the way home, i hear:

sky:  mom, you should get that stuff. me: what stuff? sky: that stuff on the commercial. me: why? what's on the commercial? (even though i knew exactly what commercial was on) sky: that stuff that makes you look younger. (pause) sky: and makes your wrinkles go away. me: really? you think i need to look younger and make my wrinkles go away? sky: hee hee hee. (giggling. and more giggling.)

the commercial? hydroxatone. anti-aging solution. reduce appearance of fine lines, wrinkles and age spots. improve the condition of your skin. etc. etc.

after i laughed a little, the conversation really got me thinking.

i already knew that skyler listens to pretty much everything and processes it in great detail. but have i really talked about my fine lines, wrinkles and age spots that much, to make her aware that i might be interested in such a product? did she overhear me talking to a friend? have i joked about getting old too much? aye!

i'm really self conscious of situations like this b/c growing up, i clearly remember my mom being, shall i say...a bit overly-focused on her weight. little hot pink paper strips covered numerous locations around my house--"my goal weight is 135 pounds". i opened the fridge and saw "my goal weight is 135 pounds". i looked in the mirror and saw, "my goal weight is 135 pounds". and as long as i can remember, i too, was overly-focused on my weight. a direct result of my mom? i'm not positive, but i am sure it did have some impact on my weight obsession, which began as a young child.

i was always dieting, many times starving myself in the process. and at one point, in college, i was even bulimic. it wasn't until i was in my 30s, that i finally starting eating better and not worrying about my weight. i threw away my scale, which i had stepped on numerous times every day. i ate when i was hungry. and didn't eat when i wasn't. and if i wanted junk, i ate a small bit, whenever i wanted. i stopped obsessing about every morsel of food. and it feels so good.

i have always struggled with self-confidence and self-esteem. even though...i was always smart, i was on homecoming court in high school, i was a pom-pon girl and in the popular crowd, i did great in college. but through the years, i never saw it in myself. at least to the point that i considered it good enough. and i still somewhat battle these thoughts today. my self-confidence and self-esteem are way better than they used to be, but some of the thoughts and struggle still lingers.

but that's why it's so important for me to do my best to pass goodness on to my children. i don't want my kids to obsess about the superficial things in life. i want my children to who they are and what they do.  i want to teach my children to have high self esteem and self confidence. to see the beauty in diversity.  to always try their best and know that if they do, no matter what the outcome, it's good enough.  i want my children to love themselves. and love others.

i definitely believe that children are like wet cement and what we directly and indirectly do is making an impression on them--whether we realize it or not.