i received this awesome quote in my email yesterday. couldn't help but share it. what I want to say is that the past is the past, and the present is what your life is, and you are capable of choosing what that will be…
so come to the pond, or the river of your imagination, or the harbor of your longing, and put your lips to the world.
and live your life. - mary oliver
people come into your life for a reason, season or a lifetime.when you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person. - author unknown
the J family definitely came into my life for a reason, season AND a lifetime!!
after kiele was born, i had to go back to work (as an air force nurse) when kiele was six weeks old. i started her at a facility day care and after many days of tears, frustration and heartache, a friend had recommended me to the J family, an in-home daycare -- more specifically momma carmen (as kiele came to call her).
kiele was a difficult sleeper and eater. but that was no challenge to momma carmen, who made a Philippine-style hammock in one of her bedrooms, rocked her to sleep and chased kiele around with food.
momma carmen was such a gift in my life!! i'm not sure i can ever fully explain or thank her enough.
that was 14 years ago. and now momma carmen's daughter (who i met when she was 12) is married with two kids and just happens to live in san diego. so when i was on my trip last month, i was able to photograph momma carmen's daughter and her family.
i can't even begin to share how much i love the J family. they are such a gift in my life and i feel so blessed to call them my family!! love and miss you so!!
i almost forgot, i just happened upon this photo of M and kiele the other day (from 11 years ago)...
it's done. it went amazing!! i'm home wanting to scream to other parents how important it is to do your research, know your stuff, be organized and be prepared!! advocate, advocate, advocate!! it definitely paid off today.
last night, i was pretty spun up and decided to waste the night away watching mindless TV instead of spinning my wheels any further doing individualized education program (IEP) prep. so i woke up at 5:30 AM, which gave me about two hours to continue my research and preparation (although i already have two large binders and three ziploc bags of supporting documents and laws gathered over the 11 years of previous IEP prep).
some key tips -- it was HUGE to have the IEP draft in advance. i was able to read and understand the IEP and then write my notes and thoughts directly onto the draft. this was especially important because i wasn't that familiar with the florida IEP outline.
i've been trying to add a communication | socialization goal for kiele for a long time now and so this time, i researched and wrote a goal and objectives that i could present to the team. i also had rehearsed how i was going to introduce the need. while there was some resistance and other suggestions by a couple members of the team at first, i just kept sharing that i wasn't comfortable with this or that...and finally they agreed to make a separate goal.
kiele is going into high school next year and it made no sense to me that a high school representative would not be present at the IEP meeting. i shared with the case manager that if she could not find a rep that could attend and speak on behalf of the school, we would have to reschedule the meeting for another day. i'm SO GRATEFUL that i did that because i met the most amazing person, who gets it and was instrumental in today's IEP success!! and i now have an awesome contact at the high school (exactly what i needed), who also gave me a number of other important contact names and email addresses.
when your child is old enough, let her attend the IEP meetings. kiele discussed problems and issues she had throughout the year, which resulted in three additional items being added to the IEP. it also alerted the high school rep (and myself) to things she should pay special attention to next year.
i hope this information will help someone out there. parents who have been there and done that have so much to offer and share with others. you are NOT alone!! one day, i hope to share on a greater level (national conference) but for now, my blog will have to do. if you know of anyone that might benefit from my IEP thoughts, please forward this to them.
as always, feel free to post questions in the comment section and i'll be happy to answer.
i close with this, because this is how i feel at this moment.
or maybe this because i'm so giddy with relief, i almost feel like i could go outside and do a cartwheel right now.
there, i publicly said it. and having to do them in five different states and nine different schools sucks that much more. sorry for my frankness here but i think most parents, who have gone through the process, would agree that individual education plans (IEPs) just plain 'ole suck. if you don't know what an IEP is, consider yourself lucky!! i wonder...do educators understand the anxiety that an IEP produces for parents? i mean REALLY understand? maybe only those few, who happen to have a child, with a disability, themselves. i get teary just thinking about the IEP, let alone sitting at the table...as, what's suppose to be, an equal team member.
i have made myself about crazy as i prepare for kiele's IEP tomorrow morning. i sit here...cautiously optimistic and then that other side creeps in and says, they're going to fuck with you. be prepared -- and then i begin to freak out. yes, i've done a great job thus far. i know that. but i have three years left. and i can't let anything get screwed up. kiele's come too far. and she's doing too amazing. i've simply done what i was supposed to do and must continue to do so until she is ready to advocate for herself (and hopefully by that time, i will have taught her well).
it's just so HARD.
my advice to mommas of children with disabilities or needs, who are dealing with the special education system... know your stuff. and the laws. research. research. and more research. find other parents with children with a similar disability... kiele absolutely would not be where she is today without the knowledge and insight i gained from other parents. there can be a wealth of information in organizations and forums (check them out). stay strong. know that only YOU will truly advocate for your child... and that you know your child best. fight for what's appropriate (and know the buzz words). find that one person within the educational system who is on your side... who is willing to fight the system and risk their career if it's the right (or shall i say appropriate) thing to do. listen to others but know that your child's situation is absolutely unique.
years ago, i thought that i would pursue a career in special ed advocacy. who knows...i still might. along with photography, it's something that i'm deeply passionate about.
thank you maura and diane. the two of you taught me everything i know and created the advocacy monster that i am today. love you both dearly!!
as i go into my 11th IEP meeting, i can't help but reminisce...
shortly after kiele was diagnosed with a progressive hearing impairment (age 3 | may 2000)
kiele's cochlear implant surgery, post-op day two (age 6 | sep 2003)
her treasures. an image from when i first started photography (age 9 | 2006)
on her birthday (age 14 | couple weeks ago)
i feel the gleamingyellow sun shining on me as i gaze at the giant, shining blue sea. people on white and blue jet skis. i wish that was me. it would be fun if we were on the water with our grandfather. yay! yay! come on the boat today with me. - skyler, age seven
ummm. yea. i just happened to come across this poem in the pile of papers sky brought home from school yesterday. i have to be honest, typically i zip through her papers and then add the pile to the recycle bin. but i saw the lined piece of paper with oddly broken up words and began to read...and paused. and read again.
sky couldn't have written that poem, i thought, and placed the paper on the kitchen table, where i knew i'd remember to ask her about it in the morning.
yes, she could!
she shared with me that they were to write a descriptive poem, in class. i asked,
your teacher gave you the words to use, right? no. your teacher told you exactly what to write. no. you just wrote this? yes. where did you come up with the idea? i just did. how do you know the word 'gleaming'? i just do. you wrote the poem all my yourself. mmm hmm.
and that's as far as the conversation got. i tried to get a title out of her, but she shyly looked at me and said,
i don't know. we didn't have to write a title.
i guess i'll settle with that because i'm simply just in love with her untitled poem. i have this dream of combining my kids poetry with my photography. one of these days i'll make that dream a reality.
today, the kindergarten classes had a mother's day celebration -- muffins for moms. when we arrived in the classroom, the moms walked around the room to find their place, based on locating the drawing their child made of them. then we were all served muffins and juice and we received hand made stationary cards as our mother's day gift. so, so thoughtful and special!! couldn't help but laugh, when i saw ryder's drawing of me. i think he got everything just perfect. :-) and sigh...i love him more than the sun and the moon and the stars.
i'll be away for mother's day but wanted to wish all you mommas out there a fabulous mother's day!! i'll be in salt lake city, utah for the weekend. i will miss my family but i'm super excited to do tons of shooting, along with lots of laughter and sharing with friends.
also, here's a couple photos of my family taken by my beautiful friend and amazing photographer, leah, last week. i am so blessed to call leah one of my best friends and cherish her so!!
if you are unsure about having family photos taken (for whatever reason), please read the perfect time post. i hope it will give you the push to get them done SOON!
the reason that I can be 38 and have two kids and wear a bikini is because i work my ass off. it’s not an accident. it’s not luck, it’s not fairy dust, it’s not good genes. it’s killing myself for an hour and a half five days a week, but what i get out of it is relative to what i put into it. that’s what I try to do in all areas of my life.- gwyneth paltrow
although i have to say...gwyneth paltrow does have some pretty damn good genes. have you seen this photo of gwyneth and her mother?
i haven't posted a crossfit update in a while so i thought now is as good as time as any. it's been almost eight months since my first day at crossfit jaguar. i remember so clearly walking in, nervous as hell, thinking what the hell am i doing. but i did it...telling myself over and over again, what did i have to lose; if crossfit isn't for me, i don't have to go back.
since my last update in january, i've lost a couple pounds (no, i'm not trying to lose weight) and about 1/2 inch everywhere. i've also dropped about three percent body fat.
i crossfit four times a week and do my best to eat well -- high protein, low-glycemic. but some days are just off days and i waiver, like this past week. but i WILL get back on track.
a couple weeks ago, i tracked my daily food intake. i quickly realized that i just don't eat enough food and how very easy it is to eat a lot of carbohydrates. i've never been a big eater and i don't like vegetables that much, so i really have to work hard at this eating well and eating enough thing.
here i was, pre-working out, may 2010.
and here i am today. proud to be a 41-year-old, mother of three, fit, healthy and stronger than i've ever been in my entire life. when i started crossfit, i could maybe do one military style push up. the other day, i did 100 (no going to my knees). can't wait till the day that i can share that i did one unassisted pull up.
there was no editing, retouching, tweaking or anything done to any of these photos. i wanted to be honest and real, with everything i posted throughout this journey.
i share these continued updates to hopefully inspire. you CAN do it!! it's never too late to get fit and be healthy. i truly haven't felt better and i keep getting stronger and stronger. it's really been an amazing journey and i never thought i'd say this but...i actually look forward to working out; i crave it. i know and completely understand that crossfit isn't for everyone, but i hope that you will find that thing that works for you!!
you can see more photos and read more about my getting fit journey here.
i pinned this today (via pinterest) and it says it perfectly (couldn't find original source to give credit)...
lastly, check out this amazing video of crossfit women. blows my mind!!
if you have any questions, please ask! i'm no expert, but i can offer my personal thoughts.
ETA --
Q: is it a class or did you have to get a personal trainer? A: personally, i started out with a personal trainer three times a week. and did that for three months,until i got to the point that i was comfortable to go into a class. however, depending on the gym, you might be able to go right into a class (many gyms are now requiring a fundamentals or foundations course). for me, i wanted to get a good understanding of the workouts and make sure i knew how to do the lifts properly so i wouldn't get hurt.
Q: where do I find this workout? i admit Im out of shape and have a few health issues..i need to get fit!!! how often do you train? A: you can read all about crossfit here. that website has everything -- workouts of the day (WODs), demo exercise videos, etc. you can also google crossfit in your local area, to find all the crossfit gyms around you. i researched all the gyms in tampa, before deciding which one to go to. i wanted to find one that was a good fit for me. while the fundamentals of each crossfit gym are the same, the gym personalities (feel or vibe of the gym) can be very different.
i started out training three days a week. some days it was 20 minutes. other days it was an hour. now that i'm in classes, i crossfit four times a week.
and this awesome momma shared about her journey, doing and managing her own personal crossfitting.
Q: i am still finding it hard to get specific exercises for my waistline. do you have any that you have found that worked particularly well? A: my waistline was my HUGE trouble spot and in the first five weeks of crossfit, i lost three inches in my waist. with that being said, i think it was the combination of all the exercises (so many of them work my core) and changing my diet. i really don't do that many sit ups (or ab specific exercises) at all.
i just googled and found this crossfit article regarding exercises for abs and i love working out with a kettlebell. i'm sure there's plenty more articles out there too.
Q: as a previous carb-addict, what do you eat for breakfast now? A: i typically have a protein shake in the morning (water, 1/2 banana, spinach or kale, almond or peanut butter, flax seed, protein powder and ice). if i don't have a protein shake, i'll have eggs and/or bacon. i don't eat until after my crossfit workout, so that's around 10:30 AM. if i'm really hungry in the morning (pre-workout), i'll have a clementine and some almonds.
a few weeks ago, i found a lump in my breast. i ignored it for weeks, thinking i was imagining things. that i wouldn't feel it tomorrow. but i always felt it. over and over again, the pea-sized lump was present. so finally, i made an appointment with the MD, to confirm what i already knew. yep, the lump really was there. she scheduled me for a mammogram. i already had had one two years ago in san diego. normal. so this past friday, i had my diagnostic mammogram and a bilateral ultrasound. nothing abnormal was shown on mammogram. and i'm assuming that the ultrasound was normal because no additional tests were ordered. i should know for sure in the coming days.
but the whole process stirred a flurry of thoughts and emotions. most impacting was telling steve. i think he was actually more worried than i was.
his mom was diagnosed with breast cancer at my age. she died six months later. steve was five. steve's dad was left with three children, one of them being hearing impaired.
i couldn't help but think about the possibility of breast cancer, no matter how much i tried not to...and believe me, i tried.
i share all this for a couple reasons...
as parents, we do such a great job at making sure our kids see doctors and get their appropriate check-ups, tests, immunizations, etc. but what about YOU?
especially in the case of a mammogram. seriously, pain free. 10 minutes. done. so simple. i've now had two and neither hurt one bit. so what, my boobs were squished. better than breast cancer, surgery, radiation and chemotherapy.
i had thought about blogging about my lump. and my mammogram. and then i came across this photo on facebook and well, i knew i had to blog about it.
the scar project fricken blows my mind in amazing-ness. you can see the entire gallery of images here.
© david jay | the SCAR project
i love the SCAR project tag line -- surviving cancer. absolute reality. and i'm excited to see that he's now offering a book. wishing the exhibition would go on tour. although, i have no doubt that one day it will.
i hope you'll go make your necessary appointments. you deserve it. your children deserve it.
i love this womani am grateful for this woman and all she shares with us she reminds me what it means to be good and grateful and not-so-serious in this crazy, mixed up world of ours
while in kansas, i started a grateful 365 project. to be completely honest, something went off course and i never finished. and then we moved. and then i was sent really off course. but seeing hailey's video has me longing to start another one. although i'm taking the daily pressure off and simply calling it my 'grateful project'. can't wait to see what comes of it.
how can anyone ever go wrong with a project that reminds them of all they have to be grateful for...each and every day.
hope you enjoy the video...
please don't forget to check out their 365 grateful site -- 365grateful.com
last but not least, here's a few photos from my 2010 (iphone) grateful project...
such an interesting article, from 2008, on conscientious regarding what makes a great portrait? is it...
an intangible element luck and patience the graphic elements, framing, lines and light what is said about the image maker what is said about the subject images that make a statement vulnerability and awkwardness a feeling and reaction an insight into an inner universe an element of surprise insightful and engaging a meaningful connection an emotional exchange tension in the moment infused with believability mutual trust a raw and honest exchange the capturing of a state of grace something that rarely happens an unanswerable question
these were some of the thoughts (of photographers, bloggers, curators, editors and gallerists) shared on conscientious.
the article has me thinking (a lot) about the portraits i've taken. what i love. what i don't love. what i've been doing. what i haven't been doing. where i hope to go. it also has me thinking about how much growing i have yet to do. i try and remind myself often that it's only been six years and i still have so much to learn, expand upon and explore. and patience...i must simply have patience. and continue to study and work hard.
after i read the article, i spent some time with my accessible work | portraits. here are some portraits i've taken over the past few years that strongly speak to me for one reason or another...
so, what do YOU think makes a great portrait?
i hope you'll not only take the time to read the article, but also sit with your own work and thoughts for a while.
so love that my three still play together like this. when i edited this picture, from a a couple weeks ago...
i couldn't help but think of this picture, from 2008 (in our backyard, san diego).
and that had me looking through more photos of my three, cherishing these memories i have of them together. makes me weepy, when i think how fast the time has flown and how big my three now are.
feels like i haven't shot in forever. but now that my entire family is done with this week long belly bug, i'm hoping to remedy that soon.
You were born a daughter.You looked up to your mother. You looked up to your father. You looked up at everyone. You wanted to be a princess. You thought you were a princess. You wanted to own a horse. You wanted to be a horse. You wanted your brother to be a horse. You wanted to wear pink. You never wanted to wear pink. You wanted to be a Veterinarian. You wanted to be President. You wanted to be the President's Veterinarian. You were picked last for the team. You were the best one on the team. You refused to be on the team. You wanted to be good in algebra. You hid during algebra. You wanted the boys to notice you. You were afraid the boys would notice you. You started to get acne. You started to get breasts. You started to get acne that was bigger than your breasts. You wouldn't wear a bra. You couldn't wait to wear a bra. You couldn't fit into a bra. You didn't like the way you looked. You didn't like the way your parents looked. You didn't want to grow up. You had your first best friend. You had your first date. You had your second best friend. You had your second first date. You spent hours on the telephone. You got kissed. You got to kiss back. You went to the prom. You didn't go to the prom. You went to the prom with the wrong person. You spent hours on the telephone. You fell in love. You fell in love. You fell in love. You lost your best friend. You lost your other best friend. You really fell in love. You became a steady girlfriend. You became a significant other. YOU BECAME SIGNIFICANT TO YOURSELF.
Sooner or later, you start taking yourself seriously. You know when you need a break. You know when you need a rest. You know what to get worked up about and what to get rid of. And you know when it's time to take care of yourself, for yourself. To do something that makes you stronger, faster, more complete.
Because you know it's never too late to have a life. And never too late to change one.
JUST DO IT
- Nike
omg. this has me in tears this morning. the kind of tears that make it hard to breathe. hard to swallow. a lump in my throat, as i read. and re-read.
my friend, tara, shared this nike ad today on facebook. i had never seen it. she said she had it taped to her wall as a teen. today, i will share it with my teen. i will print it for her, with hopes that she will pin it on her inspiration board. with hopes that she will read it and re-read it and embrace the words.
kiele is thirteen. turning fourteen in a month. and as i read the words above, the remaining teen years just flew in front of my eyes. in a blur. i ache knowing that she is growing up so quickly. in a few years, she will be in college. most likely no longer living with us. at the same time, i'm so proud of who she is. the beautiful little lady she has grown to be. i truly couldn't be prouder!!
it took me a long (a VERY long) time to become significant to myself. i hope that i can teach kiele different. i will definitely do my best...to share that she is significant NOW. and will be forever!
thanks tara for sharing. for sharing something so beautiful. that has affected me so deeply.
i'm a photographer. and this is my work. some of it is this. and some of it is this. really great photographers can't stop taking pictures. they do it like other people eat and breathe. her whole life is her subject.
two quotes i loved from the video below.
annie leibovitz intrigues and fascinates me on so many levels. i'm so grateful to have attended her exhibition in san diego a few years ago.
i just put the annie leibovitz: life through a lens documentary in my netflix queue. not sure how i missed that it back in 2008. and i think i'll sit with her a photographer's life 1990-2005 book this afternoon, while the kids are doing gymnastics. i guess it's just an annie leibovitz inspiration kind of day.
sadly, i just don't sit with my photography books enough these days.
such an amazing endeavor is taking place right now... crista dix, from wall space gallery, recently launched life support japan -- where photographers from around the world have donated prints (no larger than 8.5 x 11, edition of 10) for (set-price) auction.
these prints can be purchased online at wall space gallery for $50 each!!
direct relief international (for medical) and habitat for humanity (for rebuilding) are the organizations that will benefit from the life support japan print sales. the goal is 100% donation (as long as they can get donation of shipping supplies and financial help towards shipping costs). so far, the auction has raised $10,000...in two days!!
it's incredible the number of photographers, who have stepped forward and donated. new photographs are being added daily, so if you don't see an image you love and want to purchase, please keep checking back.
seriously...such an awesome opportunity to purchase a some art, while also helping the relief efforts in japan. and a special thanks to aline smithson for all her hard work and coordination efforts.
i've offered this 8x8 print for auction...
copyright deb schwedhelm photography | one
ETA: i just read this article. and the pictures. OMG...my heart aches for the people of japan.
and a recent note from crista dix:
Life Support Japan + online print sale benefit information. Natural disasters happen all the time, like landslides, floods, earthquakes. We live on a planet that isn't static. Friday, March 11th, we witnessed a natural disaster with a very human toll. The earthquake in Japan was of such magnitude that even the most prepared nation in the world to handle a disaster of this type was overwhelmed. It wasn't the earthquake alone, which was devastating enough but watching a 30 foot high wall of mud and debris wipe entire communities away was beyond any ability I personally had to comprehend.
I had to do something. Aline Smithson, one of our gallery artists wanted to do something too. Ryan Nabulsi and Jennifer Schwartz joined the effort. Soon I was hearing from every part of our creative community that we wanted to reach out to help the people of Japan. Life Support Japan was created to bring assistance to those in Japan who need it.
We have selected two charities to benefit from the sales of these limited edition prints.
Direct Relief International, for help with medical supplies. Direct Relief works closely with the United Nations (U.N.) Office for the Coordination of Humanitarian Assistance (OCHA), which has activated to assemble the international response. Direct Relief has mobilized and staged materials at our headquarters, which are standing by ready for airlift to Japan.
Habitat for Humanity Japan, to help in the rebuilding of communities in and around Sendai and northern Japan.
Artists from around the globe have donated limited editions, over 300 to date, and we will be consistently updating the images available.
Galleries from around the US are banding together for a series of benefits, for these two and other charities to benefit relief efforts in Japan. We will be posting information as it becomes available.
Thank you for your support and for being part of a global community.
Crista Dix + wall space gallery.
i had already blogged about lifetime's new show, coming home, which features military homecoming stories, here. but last night's episode (episode 2 | daddy's little girl) featured the beaty family's homecoming. if you missed it, no worries, you can watch the full episode here. the beaty family is on episode 2 (daddy's little girl) and starts about a third of the way in.
love them so!!
some of my favorite photos from the beaty family's homecoming...
...a different place. i remember when i left san diego...i wondered where my photography would go in kansas. i thought,
how can i shoot without my beloved PB pier. without my beach.
yet kansas was probably the best thing to ever happen to me (as a photographer). i could play without pressure. a year where i didn't worry about shooting clients. i just allowed myself to be. and shoot. and grow.
and now i find myself in this place called tampa. a place where i long for my business to resume. a place i long to connect with. i'm getting there. i am...
when i look at this photo, i can't wait to get back out there and explore these incredible tampa beaches with my camera. this journey has only just begun. and that in itself is something magical to embrace.
and this photo will forever remind me that things will be okay here in tampa.
just as this photo will forever hold a special place in my heart, from our time in kansas.
different, yet the same. i am truly blessed to be able to move around and experience these awesome, different places with my family. each is unique. each is special.
i had been longing...dreaming... about doing photographs with my kids and an american flag for a really really long time.
it was important to me, as a former military member and now a military spouse. i'm proud to be a military family. very proud. very blessed. i wouldn't change our military life for a second.
so a couple of weeks ago, while having a family day at the beach, i decided to bring along our american flag.
and this is a bit of what happened...
note: flag was handled with extreme care and respect, in the making of these photographs. i promise, opa marty.
this past weekend was a magical weekend, for sure. a weekend full of new friends -- sharing, dreaming, laughing, exploring. but i'm back home now...my second home, here in san diego. away from my husband and kids, but still surrounded by people i love.
i've been texting and emailing my husband, about this and that, throughout the day today. along with letting him know how much i love him and wishing him a happy valentine's day.
and then i get an email, from an NBC producer, sharing a few links from today's NBC nightly news. in a roundabout way, i had a part in two of their 'for the love of letters' stories. so now i sit hear with tears strolling down my cheeks, listening to these incredible stories.
i SO believe in the power and magic of a handwritten note!!! i hope you enjoy these stories as much as i did...
Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy
Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy
happy valentine's day!
i'm excited to be headed to california this morning, for the next 11 days. a wee bit anxious too as i haven't left my kids quite this long, although i do know that my husband is 110% capable of doing just as good of job as i with the kids. and steve's brother will be here to take care of the kids, while steve is at work. this morning, sky said,
am i just going to wear my hair down for the next two weeks. boys don't know how to do hair. unless they work in a shop....are trained in a special shop. and what about buddy's hair? i guess his hair will just look crazy every day.
i put sky's hair in a ponytail or pigtails every day for school. and wet and brush ryder's, as his becomes quite a fluffy mess during the night. so, i leave -- knowing all will run smoothly -- except maybe my kids' hair. and if that's all i have to worry about while gone, that's pretty darn awesome.
i guess i'll include instructions regarding the little ones' hair, in the weekly schedule / note that i'm leaving for uncle joe. something i didn't think about, but is obviously a bit of a concern for sky. :-)
i will be two days with my mom, in sacramento, helping her pack up her house for a mid-february move. three days in san diego, where i get the opportunity to shoot an elementary school class, a great friend's family and max's family. this will be the second time shooting max's family since he passed away, august 2008. and then i'm off to twentynine palms for our workshop. so, so excited to meet another incredible group of photographers.
from my last session with the mikulak family, in 2009. nicky and hannah, with max's favorite stuffed shark, bruce. nicky was belting out ring of fire, which max so loved to sing.
sure will miss these three, while i'm gone (taken a couple weekends ago, during gasparilla celebration)...
steve too, who continues to support and encourage my photography dreams. love you babe!!
my friend, erin, and i have emailed back and forth for a while now. she just gets me. and i adore her like no other. she is wise beyond her years, for sure. i actually think i should pay her for therapy...or life coaching...or something. yesterday, as we were talking about the depth and meaning of this project and this project, she shared the following in one of her email replies:
who is to say that you aren't already on your 18 year project? these photographers had no idea... i'm sure that during their journeys- they questioned 'what the fuck am i doing?' 'this is pointless' 'i need to be doing something more' 'what does this mean to me?' they questioned... and they kept searching. and they kept doing. and suddenly something revealed itself a sickness, a death, a life, an opportunity. something revealed itself. and i am sure- that in some circumstances- like the man that died- that it didn't reveal itself to him even in his death. it simply was something he did... he didn't realise the impact it would make on other people. --- ...so with your personal work-- do you tell that story to your kids? do you consider what you are leaving behind for them? what you are telling them about yourself, your life, your wisdom-- and also- what the journey has been like with them in your life.
so, what are you leaving behind for the world? but most importantly, what are you leaving behind for your children?
and i sat here in tears, as i soaked in every word she wrote. photography is so part of my life, sometimes i ache -- as i keep questioning, searching and doing. i wish i could explain it better, but i'm not sure i can.
and my kids... what AM i leaving behind for them? the thought pains me daily, as i want to leave them with more than just their memories.
erin shared with me how she writes to her daughter, claire, every day. i had started documenting thoughts / advice to my kids a while back, but maybe i should include open, free-flowing writing to them too. i mean seriously, what would happen if i died tomorrow? next week? next month? steve's mom was diagnosed with breast cancer and died only a few months later. steve was five. his mom was my age.
and i have this fucking amazing gift that i've been blessed with, but it has hindered my ability to capture the normal, everyday life of my family. treasured, simple moments. (yes, i've blogged about this before. probably multiple times.) again, i feel the universe is yelling at me and telling me to get my shit together. on multiple levels. in regards to many things. i need to figure this out. what's my problem? why can't i shoot fricken snapshots anymore?
with that said, i share a simple moment. a moment i want to pass on to my children...
last week after gymnastics class, ryder said,
the coach said that if i go to level four, i have to cut my hair.
me...
ummm. no!! you're not cutting your hair because of level four. girls have long hair and do gymnastics. they don't have to cut their hair when they go to level four. you can just wear it in a ponytail, if they're worried about it going in your face or something.
over the days, the conversations about boys with ponytails continued. i let my kids know that boys can totally wear ponytails. it's NO BIG DEAL (i'm not quite sure my husband is fully buying into that fact, although he does roll with it).
and then one day last week, i came home and sky had put ryder's hair in a ponytail, to include green barrette decoration. he left it that way all evening. i told him how great it looked and asked him if i could take a couple pictures.
he's not game to wear a ponytail to school, but i love the fact that he's embracing the possibility. and it was awesome that my friend, kathy, was able to share with ryder, some photos of her college-age son wearing a ponytail.
ryder likes his long hair (yes, i ask him). i LOVE his long hair. no way in HELL is my son cutting his hair to simply to conform with what boys gymnastics has always done in the past. i was in the military for 10 years and i understand abiding by rules, BUT i'm not sure i will be cutting my son's hair for gymnastics. i mean seriously, he's six and in gymnastics...not 18 and in the military. i will definitely be questioning when that time comes. and i hope i make my children proud for doing so.
