the courage to be free

the secret of happiness is freedom. the secret of freedom is courage.- thucydides

something a friend of mine and i were talking about today is the prison we pose upon our own creative minds. it's so easy to get trapped in the comparison and competitiveness of being a photographer, of being an artist.

i believe that it's when we free ourselves from that self-imposed imprisonment and have the courage to just let ourselves be--that we do our best and most creative work. it's at that time when we and our work is truly us and what it was meant to be.

patience

adopt the pace of nature;her secret is patience. - ralph waldo emerson

i've never been a very patient person. it's something i seek to improve upon, as we bring in this new year. actually, it's something i always seek to improve upon. maybe one of these days i'll figure it out.

as i speak about patience... we have a little over four months to go. four months of being both mother and father to my three kids. four months of the kids missing their daddy. i try not to complain though, as so many others are doing it and doing so in much more difficult conditions than i. and when i sit back and really think about it...i can't believe that almost three months has gone by...we've survived and we're doing well. we have our moments but all in all...really, we're doing well.

i received an email from steve today, sharing with me that he's sorry that he didn't get back to me sooner, but he was busy building a rock climbing wall. and a few days ago, i received the photos below, from iraq. i love that the guys are making the best of things out there. steve is working super hard, yet having a good time--and i wouldn't want it any other way.

i hope everyone had a safe and happy new year's eve. here's to a fantastic 2009!

a story of kindness

i expect to pass through this world but once;any good thing therefore that I can do, or any kindness that i can show to any fellow creature, let me do it now; let me not defer or neglect it, for i shall not pass this way again. - stephan grellet

we came home from vacation, boxes waiting at my door. i noticed one of them was from curlyQ cuties. i didn't know why, as we had already received our two cuties we had ordered. i opened the box, to find a card sitting on top. it read:

debora, sorry to hear about the dog getting to skyler's monster. hopefully, we've picked the correct one from your original order to replace. happy holidays! curlyQ cuties

p.s. a sincere "thank you" to your husband for his service to our country.

sigh. my heart melted as i read the note and opened the package to find a replacement cutie for skyler's torn one. they must have read on a prior blog post that our dog had gotten to sky's cutie and put a big hole in it.

what a wonderful act of kindness.

i loved curlyQ cuties before, as written about here. i love them even more now. please check them out when you get a chance. Â they are much more than just a wonderful product. Â

a fresh new year

another fresh new year is here . . .another year to live! to banish worry, doubt, and fear, to love and laugh and give!

this bright new year is given me to live each day with zest . . . to daily grow and try to be my highest and my best!

i have the opportunity once more to right some wrongs, to pray for peace, to plant a tree, and sing more joyful songs! - william arthur ward

we're back from vacation. five huge duffel bags and one large box later...i'm mostly unpacked. and here i sit, ready to welcome and embrace a fresh new year. excited about the possibilities.

2009 is a year that surely will bring lots of excitement and changes. business changes. possibly big ones. life changes. we will most likely be moving this summer, as steve is up for reassignment in july. some possiblities that steve has shared with me...north carolina and colorado are two that have been briefly mentioned. however, steve has not talked to the detailer and nothing is real until orders are in hand. but, i'm hoping (so hoping) to know something in the next few months. this limbo phase, this period of unknown, is rather difficult for me...but i try and be patient.

++++++

our NV vacation was so awesome. we woke christmas day to 10 inches of snow that had fallen overnight...truly a magical, winter wonderland. this christmas was one that could have potentially been a very difficult one, especially for the kids, having to spend it without their daddy, but steve's family made our christmas so wonderful. we had such a blast and kiele is now begging me to move to carson city, NV. oh and steve's mom has me hooked on ABBA right now, since watching the mamma mia movie, which i loved.

here's to a happy and hopeful new year. a year filled with singing, dancing, loving, living, laughing, growing, giving and...peace! stay safe.

happy holidays!

i'm headed out for a much needed holiday vacation and break. while there, i'm going to try real hard not to get on a computer and truly rest, relax and simply enjoy my family. i hope everyone has a wonderful christmas and a incredible, hopeful new year. i'm excited to see what 2009 has in store!Â

thank you leah, for being such an amazing friend and for taking our family photos this year. Â love ya pal.

have you heard...

...of the elf on the shelf? i hadn't. until yesterday. and i'm in love with the idea and will own my own little elf on the shelf next year.

in case you don't want to read about it on the site...

it's an elf that gets placed out prior to christmas (maybe he arrives on thanksgiving or something like that) and during the holiday season, the elf watches the children by day and reports back to santa each night. when the children awake, the elf has returned from the north pole and can be found hiding in a different location.

just too good not to share. can't wait to start this tradition in my own house, when my kids are greeting by the elf thanksgiving morning. that gives me a little less than a year to figure out why the elf wasn't discovered until 2009.

i heart all of these

some things that i've come to love. i adore her work so much. i think i could own every piece. there are possibilities for any one. possibilities for any room in your house. i'm going to create an inspiration wall in my house and one of her pieces will be on it.

because life is pretty darn amazing and i don't ever want to forget it, i love (and bought) this poster.

there's so many awesome pieces of inspirational jewelry on etsy. you can check out some here, here and here. they make such awesome gifts.

and then there's this bracelet, which not only looks awesome, it also has an amazing message and...the proceeds support a great cause.

her voice is beyond what i can even describe. angelic is the first word that comes to mind but you have to hear for yourself. she plays often in my house. soothes my soul.

more for my inspiration wall and gifts to others. i love her art so much. and her book.

and still more amazing work. i haven't bought a print yet, but i will soon...for the inspiration wall.

just discovered these shirts. oh...my...gosh...i heart them so.

in the spirit of giving, check out this amazing story. you never know what's possible if you dream big and go from there.

i don't have a coffee table right now but i do have this book and i love it so. when i do get a coffee table, *this book* will grace the center of the table and sit proudly for all to view and read. for now, it graces my bookshelf, reminding me daily of the wisdom of others, who have truly made an impact and made a difference. reminding me of what's possible.

i heart her. she not only followed her dream of being a photographer, she also took a greater leap and followed her dream of becoming a dog photographer. her work is amazing and i know she's going to be wickedly famous sometime soon. erin is the epitome of following your passion and your dream.

i love etsy so much. what could be better than sharing some handmade goodness this christmas? this year i bought a lot of my gifts from etsy, along with making some of my own gifts (calendars, greeting cards, etc.) to share with others. it feels so much better to give something i or someone else made versus something i went to the store and bought.

i cherish the beauty and power of a handwritten note so much and therefore, i am often looking and buying some sort of stationery product. right now i'm particularly loving letterpress products. i'm even thinking of doing letterpress business cards next year.

i adore these monsters and love the fact that the kids can design them themselves. however, i don't adore the fact that my dog already got to skyler's monster and put a hole in it. grrrr!

lastly (speaking of monsters), i so love skyler's homemade "good monsters" that she made to help protect ryder from the monsters that he says live in his walls and scare him.

i'll love you forever

i'll love you forever,i'll like you for always, as long as i'm living my babies you'll be. adapted from robert munsch's book, love you forever

my three and i, taken by my dear friend, shawn, this past weekend (thanks shawn...love ya pal).

my three... kiele: tweenish. smiling the way she thinks she's supposed to. my little mother hen. skyler: cute as can be, with the pigtails she begged to have for the photo. her happy, smiley self. ryder: sucking his thumb. a momma's boy. wearing the star wars shirt and tennies he begged to wear. me: a temporary single mom. missing steve. cherishing my three.

my three... they're growing up right before my eyes. no longer my babies, yet always my babies.

++++++

all three went to the dentist this past friday. ryder was the first one out and when i asked him how it went, he replied:

bad.

me: it went bad ryder? why? what happened? ryder: she said i have to stop sucking my thumb.

and he's taken it very seriously ever since. tonight was no exception. when it was time for bed, i laid down with him (as i always do...breaking that habit will come another day). ryder's thumb went in his mouth a few times and he'd say the same thing each time.

no sucking my thumbie.

and each time, with a determined, forceful yank, out came his thumb. at one point he told me that he wasn't going to be able to stop sucking his thumb. i told him he could and what a big boy he was...how proud i am of him for trying. and within minutes, he had fallen asleep, without sucking his thumb. this was the first time ever...falling asleep without his thumb. and a bittersweet moment for me. my last baby of my babies really is growing up. sigh.

if you're a parent and you haven't read love you forever, you must. in my opinion, it's a book every parent should have on the shelf.

finding the joy

there's a natural progression in the military, no matter what branch, no matter what job. to get command one day, there's things you have to do--qualifications, master's degree, deployments, etc. a couple days ago, steve got word that he did not make the next level (i'm not talking about rank, but kind of like getting a promotion to assistant manager) that is typically required to someday be a commander. he still has one more chance, but not making it this time was very disappointing and frustrating. everyone expected that steve would make it. his buddies too. and most of them did not. and no one can explain why? why they didn't and why a number of guys, who were not yet in the zone, did. it's frustrating when something like this happens, especially when you go into work at 5 AM, come home at 7 PM, work till 11 PM at home and basically work your ass off and give your all, each and every day. i don't expect there to be answers. that's not the way the military works. i am disappointed in the system, a system that i have always believed in. and i am beyond sad for steve, as i have never heard him so angry and disappointed, when we spoke on the phone the other day...and i know how fucking hard he's worked. it just doesn't make sense. i tell steve to keep believing. i email him words of hope and inspiration but at the moment, even i am having to force myself to keep believing. that maybe the path for commander isn't the path steve was ultimately meant to follow.

i want to hug him. talk to him. share with him. but instead, he sits somewhere here separated from his family, dwelling in disappointment, anger and frustration...trying to figure out why. not the holidays he anticipated for sure.

because i know that he reads my blog... i love you honey. i am proud of you. more than you'll ever know. you are the most amazing and hardworking man i have ever met. that board of a few people may not have realized it, while reading that one damn piece of paper, but all those who know you and surround you...we all know!

++++++

this morning, i watched this amazing girl's video. and i dream about doing such greatness. i dream that one day i will. maybe when we begin our sailing adventures, after steve retires? maybe we can sail and help...and give. i don't know how, when or where, but i will. i feel it in my soul, as i ache with the longing to help and help big. i shared the video with kiele this morning, hoping that i can inspire my children to see the greatness in what is possible. i will share with the little ones this afternoon and we will talk about what is possible, if you dream, follow your heart and work hard. someday i hope that my kids not only will ache with longingness to give and help. someday i hope that they will.

i promise...you will not regret taking the three minutes it takes to watch this incredible, young girl's video. and then you will want to go here and read more about her.

++++++

i'm working hard to get in the christmas spirit this year, to find the joy in it all. don't get me wrong, my kids bring me such great joy, it's unexplainable...but it's finding the joy in this holiday season. i did the things i'm supposed to do--bought a small tree, bought the poinsettias, decorated around the house, hung the stockings, but i did them all with this sense of numbness. i'm doing but not really feeling. because i want him

to be back home with us, and our family complete again. so i will continue to fight this battle, this battle of numbness.

today, i downloaded this christmas album, which i love, and i'm baking cookies. i'm trying! trying to get in the christmas spirit. trying to find the joy this holiday season brings.

tomorrow i'm hoping to share some of my favorite things this year. some things i love. some things that inspire me. some gifts i'm giving.

finding my place

the place to find is within yourself.- joseph campbell

photography is often a roller coaster, with many ups and downs. and today, i'm struggling. trying to figure out where my place is. i love what i do but i wonder...is this the artist i was meant to become? or is there something deeper that hasn't surfaced yet? have i given myself a fair chance to become? sometimes i get so wrapped up in client work and the business...i forget who i really am as an artist. or...having picked up a camera in jan 2006 and starting a business in jun 2006, focusing on client work, maybe i just don't know!

so with the close of this year's client sessions approaching, i will dedicate some time to searching my soul and trying to find myself, as an artist. it may not happen tomorrow. maybe not for months. or years. but i have to give it a chance. i have to search. i have to play. i have to shoot for me and only me.

in the end, one thing i know for sure...i was meant to be a photographer. Â now i just have to figure out the rest.

some may not understand this post but i imagine many will, as my friends and i often talk about this roller coaster. this roller coaster of being a photographer. of being an artist.

giving thanks

may your days be many and your troubles few.may many blessings descend upon you. may peace be within you and your heart be strong. may you find what you seek wherever you roam. - irish blessing

it's hard to believe it's thanksgiving today. the year has absolutely flown by and nothing is normal about the day. steve is in iraq. kiele is with her dad. it's the little ones and i. while we physically are not all together, steve and kiele are here with us in our hearts. we will share about them as we give thanks today. as we give thanks and celebrate our many, many blessings.

i found this wonderful article regarding how to be thankful: 1. pay attention to the people around you. everyone has something wrong or to complain about. look at those who aren't as fortunate are realize how blessed you are. 2. practice acceptance. stop dwelling on how things should be, what could have been or what you don't have. recognize what you do have and accept what you don't. 3. become a problem solver. get in the habit of asking yourself how you can turn a negative situation into something positive. 4. learn to see hardship as a chance to develop character. we all have hardships. handle and work through yours with grace. 5. develop a gratitude journal. 6. take joy in the small things. life's treasures. small pleasures. give thanks for each small gift you receive.

some things that we are thankful for...

skyler (age 5): my mommy. my daddy. kiele. ryder. charley. and seeing my daddy on the computer.

ryder (age 3): my family. rain. movies. snacks. football. charley bear. toys. books.

me: the love, support and friendship of my husband. my children and the joy and brightness they bring my life. my and my family's health. steve's safety. my friends. laughter. our abundance and ability to share food and clothing. the roof over our heads. the technology, which allows us to see and chat with steve, while he is serving in iraq. stability, during a time when the stability of so many is at risk. our freedom.

next year, i hope to volunteer somewhere on thanksgiving. together as a family. this is a huge goal of mine, to volunteer together...each doing a part. and no better time, to start our family's giving to those less fortunate, than thanksgiving.

happy, happy thanksgiving!

where dreams are born

so come with me, where dreams are born, and time is never planned. Â just think of happy things, and your heart will fly on wings, forever, in never, never land.- peter pan

last week, i was contacted by kiele's cochlear implant company, asking me if i would be interested in sharing kiele's story with the company. i didn't look at my calendar. i didn't think about it for a second. i jumped at the opportunity.

of course, i'd be honored to, i told gabriele.

so tomorrow, i present kiele's [hearing loss/cochlear implant] story to advanced bionics. an hour long presentation, presented to both their CA facilities, sylmar and valencia. it's such an amazing opportunity. an opportunity to share--our story, the challenges, kiele's successes and my appreciation. it truly has been such a journey; i get teary just thinking about it. and i am grateful beyond words for this gift that kiele has been given--this gift to hear again, after a progressive hearing loss.

while preparing for the presentation, i was going through old documents and found this one that i had written in 2003--a synopsis of kiele's hearing loss journey:

Kiele is six years old and completely oral. She was diagnosed with a hearing loss at age three, although most likely present at birth. At four months old, I thought Kiele was deaf (not responding to sounds). She had an ABR done, which she failed but they said it was b/c she was not completely asleep. She soon began to respond to sounds and soon the potential for hearing loss was forgotten. At age three, one of the pediatric nurse practitioners that I worked with (I'm an RN) asked me if I thought K was speaking OK. I told her that I thought so, she was meeting all the landmarks, etc. although I had noticed that she dropped end consanants (milk was "mew", cat was "ca"). The PNP referred us for a speech eval just to make sure. Kiele passed the speech eval, the SLP said that yes, she was dropping end consanants but he thought she would speak them with a little more time. Next came the audiogram as part of the speech eval, which she failed and failed again and failed again. We were immediately referred to the AZ school for deaf/blind, where she got reassessed (and failed) and then got loaner hearing aids. Kiele's hearing loss is a sensorineural hearing loss (moderate sharply sloping to profound), which has rapidly progressed since initial diagnosis. Although we do not know for sure why Kiele is hearing impaired, our thought is that it might be due to primary CMV infection while pregnant with her...no way of knowing for sure b/c she appeared completly healthy at birth (not tested for CMV...no idea). Based on Kiele's audiogram, she has been determined to be a "borderline candidate" due to the fact that she is hanging on to some low pitched hearing (at the 250 and 500 frequencies, she is at 50 and 60 dB...the rest of the audiogram is at severe and profound thresholds). They are putting Kiele through the entire candidacy program to determine if they will implant her or not. Kiele loses about 10 dB of hearing at one or two frequencies every couple months...that seems to be the trend. Three years ago, Kiele's best hearing was at 20 dB and worst at 70 dB...now best is 50 dB and worst is 110 dB.

Kiele began with digital hearing aids and did well with them until about a year ago, at which time she was not getting any benefit from them with the high-pitched sounds. She now wears AVRs, which use frequency transposition. She actually does quite well with them considering her hearing loss. She also is very good at reading lips and "putting the puzzles together".

The thing that is difficult for me is that it seems that in a sense Kiele gets punished for being so intelligent and doing so well with her struggling, so she is forced to continue to struggle when the technology is there that would allow her to excel and not to struggle. So many things are difficult for her in every day life but she adapts and struggles through them so well. They look at her audiogram, which is done in a completely quiet sound booth, and they note that Kiele is doing so well with her aids. Well, they don't see her at school, not being able to hear her teacher or peers at times and having to rely on cues from peers. They don't see her playing with other children and not hearing them, only being able to focus on one friend and often not wanting to play when there is a group. They don't see her watching television and not know what is going on. It is things like this that frustrate me so much. Yes, Kiele is holding her own with her aids; however, how much better could/would Kiele do with a CI!!!! It breaks my heart that I have to sit back, watch her struggle, and wait for her to lose a tad bit more hearing. Academically, this is the prime time in Kiele's life and even though she is smart enough to probably breeze through it, b/c of her hearing loss, she has to struggle through it. We have made the decision to put K in a Deaf/HOH program (19 children, preK through 5th grade, in the program) for the first grade b/c she is missing too much in the mainstreamed program. I am very wishy-washy about this decision b/c they are ASL (Kiele is completely oral) and so now there will be an additional learning focus (ASL), when there are already so many things a first grader has to learn/master. Additionally, I am hoping that they start a reading group as they said they would b/c Kiele needs to learn to read like a hearing child would vs. how a deaf child would learn to read. They promised this same thing last year but did not follow through. If Kiele was to be implanted, I could easily keep her in the mainstreamed program.

it's very emotional for me to read the above words, as it was such a tough time. a time where kiele having a cochlear implant was only a dream of mine.

never stop dreaming. never stop believing.

inspiring another circle

when we focus our energy towards constructing a passionate, meaningful life, we are tossing a pebble ripple effect of inspiration. Â when one person follows a dream, tries something new or takes a daring leap, everyone nearby feels that energy, and before too long they are making their own daring leaps and inspiring yet another circle.- christine mason miller

i found the most wonderful blog today, which led me to the most amazing, inspiring website...that of christine mason miller.

i looked. i read. i dreamt. i believed. i longed.

after spending quite a while looking at her work for sale on etsy, i emailed her to tell her how amazing her work is. then i went back to her website and looked more and came to her inspiration page, which has the quote above. i read her words and immmediately thought, you are doing that. you are living and breathing your words, inspiring others. your work is creating the ripple effect of inspiration that you speak of.

i can't even put into words how much these women inspire me. someday i hope to be with them. to sit in the the same room with them and feel their presence, goodness and energy fill my soul. just thinking about it makes me want to burst. i'm nowhere near where i believe i will someday be. i'm not sure where that is or what i will be doing but it's something greater, for sure. greater than even i realize. someday. someday.

Â

Â

sex and monsters

tonight was friday pizza night at the schwedhelm house and the following transpired at the dinner table... me: kiele, how was school today? kiele: it was fine. Â mrs boller [6th grade science teacher, currently teaching the family health unit] said that you have to talk to me about sex? me: oh really? kiele: i wasn't going to tell you but since you asked me how was school today, i thought i better, so i don't get in trouble. me: you learned all about sex, huh? Â did you also learn things like you can't get diseases from kissing and stuff like that? kiele: you can get a disease from kissing? me: no you can't. kiele: yes. you can!! Â that one disease...the love disease. me: Â what love disease can you get from kissing? kiele: you know...that disease where you fall in love [said with a grimacing look of disgust]...the love disease.

all the time we're talking, skyler, in the peanut gallery, is screaming: sex? what's sex. i want to know about sex. Â what's a period? Â a baby? Â how is a baby made?

OH MY GOSH!

and the conversation didn't stop there. it went on and on. kiele informed me that she's not happy about having to have a period someday and she's not using that stick thing. skyler informed me that she knew what a real live period was...the dot at the end of a sentence.

i couldn't stop laughing, in the best way, of course b/c i still had not had the talks with kiele. now...now i've not only had all the talks (i've been waiting for the right time to have) with kiele, i've had the talks with skyler and ryder too. and at the rate sky is going, she might need the talks first.

++++++

and ryder. i'm not quite sure what to do with him as he is convinced that monsters live in his bedroom walls. it's to the point that he is scared to walk near his room. when he's in trouble (e.g. when he is outside, sitting on the grass, crying about something his sisters did and won't come in), sometimes, he'll have to go in his room as part of his discipline. well, he now covers his ears and screams about the monsters, as i put him in his room. he actually begins covering his ears as tight as he possibly can on the way to his bedroom and screams,

no mommy. no. not my room.

someone had recommended monster spray. i tried it for a couple weeks but it didn't work. not one bit. he remains terrified. i'm not quite sure what to do about the whole thing. and needless to say, ryder still sleeps in my bed; he basically always has...and this monster deal hasn't resulted out of my trying to get him sleep in his own bed. i wasn't going to tackle that until it was closer to steve getting home.

and here he is. Â my boy, as an indian, vest, drum and all. Â taken yesterday for daddy, at ryder's preschool thanksgiving performance. this is his new way of smiling for the camera. aye. the smile of a photographer's child.

++++++

today was a better day, although kiele and i are still not feeling well. today, i spent a lot of time with the kids and yet, i was still able to knock out a couple lingering things off my to-do list. Â

o christmas tree

having a positive mental attitude is asking how something can be done rather than saying it can't be done.- bo bennett as if i didn't already know, my body screamed at me yesterday, informing me that i'm not handling my stress very well. fever blisters sprouted one by one across my entire top lip and i feel like crap. one fever blister is bad; three is ridiculous. i've gotten fever blisters since i was a young child, but i don't ever remember having them quite this bad.

i have... photos, photos and more photos to edit prints to package books to design DVDs to burn care packages to package and send greeting cards to put together a cochlear implant presentation to create and present twice next week thanksgiving parties to prepare for kiele's book to scan for various publishers to review a magazine cover photo to shoot (i haven't even begun to think about christmas presents) and every day life.

yep, i'm just slightly overwhelmed and a tad bit stressed. when i'm not on top of the things i have to do, i get stressed. i'm not one to cry easy and tears have been shed, on more than one occasion now. it's just hard. so i'm thinking, journaling and...hoping. hoping that i can take a deep breath and look at things with a better, more relaxed attitude and realize that i will get through this really busy time and i'll get through it with a smile on my face. i will.

++++++ why o christmas tree? well...

there's this awesome website where you can donate $25, for a two foot tall christmas tree to be delivered to a military member serving in iraq or afghanistan. if you know a service member serving in iraq or afghanistan, you can enter his/her address and the christmas tree will be delivered to them, but you don't need to know someone to participate. please, please check out the website and consider donating a christmas tree to those who are serving our country and cannot be with us during these holidays. my tree is bought.

now back to editing. :-)

driven

running has given me the courage to start, the determination to keep trying, and the childlike spirit to have fun along the way. run often and run long, but never outrun your joy of running.- julie isphording, winner of the 1990 LA marathon

we had to be there at 10 AM. for our 12 PM 5K san diego mud run today. the sun was shining bright. not a cloud in the sky. a sweltering 90 degrees. the pacific beach babes (shawn, me and adrienne) were ready, ready to do our first official run together, after having picked up walking / running about 2 1/2 months ago. we were excited, nervous, scared...you name it, all wrapped up inside, precisely placed as a knot in our stomachs.

and then, at 12:10 PM, the whistle blew and the herd of people began to run. it wasn't long before we hit our first giant puddle of mud, to our knees and sometimes to our waist. we each had our own methods of getting through. mine...i decided to try and run through the mud, as i would sink into the mud less. that worked until i biffed and scraped my entire right shin coming out of one of the puddles. blood dripped down my leg and my leg stung like crazy but the running continued until...we got to the damn biggest hill i've ever climbed in my life. steep and big. no, it was huge. most of us walked up the hill. some of the crazy (i mean amazing) people actually ran. once at the top of the hill, it was back to running. 20 puddles, a few haystacks to climb over, a tunnel to crawl through, a hill to slide down, a wall to climb over and flags to swim under and we were done. i was beat. i was excited. i was proud. my first 5K. done!

we finished around 1:15 PM and kiele wasn't feel well (from the heat) so we left without my taking a shower or cleaning up in any way. i took off my shoes, put on the junk dress i had brought, slipped off my shorts, put on my flip-flops and i was ready to go. and it was on to the rest of our day. and that, the rest of our day, continued to race through my head. how was i going to get done everything i needed to do?

++++++

kiele has to bring a decorated potato to school tomorrow, for her family life class. we needed things--googly eyes, felt, pom-poms, etc. we had to decorate a potato as a baby, to include such things as a diaper and bed. i also had a 3 PM shoot and a military wives thanksgiving get-together to attend, after my shoot. that meant i had to keep moving, muddy and all. we went to michaels, then to mcdonalds and back home.

holy crap. it's 2:25 PM and i have to shoot in 30 minutes.

i called my client to see if we could begin the shoot a bit later but they were already out the door. i apologized that i was still muddy and told them i'd see them at 3 PM. luckily, the client and i are friends. i did the shoot, went back home, picked up the kids and we were quickly off to the thanksgiving get-together. yep, still dried mud and all. after the get-together, it was time to actually purchase the baby / potato, along with some much needed coffee and creamer). finally home at 7 PM and longing to shower and...steve rings.

++++++

it's always so awesome to chat with steve, but it's also very emotional. hard. and today was exceptionally hard as it's our six year anniversary. i really miss his touch. i long for his hug. steve continues to do well and is enjoying his time in iraq. that makes me happy. if he's going to have to deploy, he might as well be doing a mission that he enjoys. i am thankful that he is.

7:45 PM and i was finally able to shower. YAY!

it's now almost 11 PM and i'm absolutely exhausted and drained. off to bed, for some much needed rest.

stillness amongst chaos

in the midst of movement and chaos, keep stillness inside of you.- deepak chopra

movement and chaos seems to be the current story of my life. and to be honest, i think a lot of it is self-imposed. i'm just that way. always have been. i like to be busy. i'm kind of like a bee, buzzing all around as fast as i can, seeing how many flowers i can pollinate (or jobs i can accomplish). Â yep, just that way. in saying that, i do seek that inner stillness, to try and keep my soul balanced. i am a libra, you know.

and today, well...it's my anniversary today. steve left a month ago today. happy anniversary to the kids and i, as we're now one month closer to his return home (six months to go). and i can't wait. i miss him more and more with each passing day.

i did get to IM with steve today (skype audio wasn't working well). it was great to talk with him. it was great to see him.

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not sure how many people read prior posted comments so i wanted to share steve's comment on my previous blog post.

I am so lucky to have such an amazing partner in life. I miss being home and being able to help, but we are doing great here in Iraq on a daily basis. It is an honor to work with so many amazing Americans here making a true impact on the people of Iraq and it is a pleasure to have so many people at home concerned about our well being.

oh...i so love that man. Â just had to say that.

i have always known that steve keeps up with me a bit through my blog. it's my way of journaling my thoughts and feelings and he knows that. believe it or not, i'm not a very good communicator in person. something i have always had a problem with and continue to strive for...being a good communicator, that is. steve has figured out that i communicate through my blog, so he reads. Â maybe one day, i'll be a better communicator in person. Â

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i didn't get to run today because kiele had a cochlear implant appointment; her processor broke and she wasn't hearing right. but wednesday, i ran 4 1/2 miles and walked 1/2 mile, when my knee started bothering me. i was a bit bummed because i so wanted to run a full five.

and this sunday, i'm doing the san diego mud run. bib 485. yep, running three miles through the mud. over walls. under ropes. through the muddy water. i'm doing it. my first official run. woo hoo. the pacific beach babes...we're all doing the run (minus one, who is pregnant, but her excuse is legit).

oh and i downloaded 30 or so new itunes the other day. mostly 70s rock. you know... my sharona (the knack) any way you want it (journey) renegade (styx)

okay, so i did throw in a couple others like... sexy back (justin timberlake) trees (marty casey) the man who sold the world (nirvana).

they're all now loaded into a running playlist. Â music i run with. Â music i love.

honoring those who served

valor is a gift.valor is stability of the soul. in valor, there is hope. - author unknown

happy veterans day to those who have served and who are currently serving. Â and in honoring our veterans, i also want to recognize and honor the women (and men) who are left behind during times of deployment.

a military wives prayer

at night when i crawl in bed, my lonely pillow 'neath my head, i close my eyes and say a prayer. God keep him safe way over there, and make me strong so i won't cry.

it's kinda hard to be alone and teach the kids when they're half grown, without the strength of a father's hand to guide them in this troubled land.

so i'll need a little help from you, to let me know what i should do. and God please will you let him know, how much we love and miss him so.

and then i feel across the bed, to where he used to lay his head, and i close my eyes very tight, so i won't cry tonight, and whisper in to the evening air, goodnight my darling way over there. - author unknown

i miss your support. i miss your strength. i miss your friendship. i miss your touch. i miss your warmth. i miss your love. i miss you. i am proud of you!

Â

and from president bush, who offers a veterans day proclamation:

On Veterans Day, we pay tribute to the service and sacrifice of the men and women who, in defense of our freedom, have bravely worn the uniform of the United States.

From the fields and forests of war-torn Europe to the jungles of Southeast Asia, from the deserts of Iraq to the mountains of Afghanistan, brave patriots have protected our Nation's ideals, rescued millions from tyranny, and helped spread freedom around the globe. America's veterans answered the call when asked to protect our Nation from some of the most brutal and ruthless tyrants, terrorists, and militaries the world has ever known. They stood tall in the face of grave danger and enabled our Nation to become the greatest force for freedom in human history. Members of the Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines, and Coast Guard have answered a high calling to serve and have helped secure America at every turn.

Our country is forever indebted to our veterans for their quiet courage and exemplary service. We also remember and honor those who laid down their lives in freedom's defense. These brave men and women made the ultimate sacrifice for our benefit. On Veterans Day, we remember these heroes for their valor, their loyalty, and their dedication. Their selfless sacrifices continue to inspire us today as we work to advance peace and extend freedom around the world.

With respect for and in recognition of the contributions our service members have made to the cause of peace and freedom around the world, the Congress has provided (5 U.S.C. 6103(a)) that November 11 of each year shall be set aside as a legal public holiday to honor America's veterans.

NOW, THEREFORE, I, GEORGE W. BUSH, President of the United States of America, do hereby proclaim November 11, 2008, as Veterans Day and urge all Americans to observe November 9 through November 15, 2008, as National Veterans Awareness Week. I encourage all Americans to recognize the bravery and sacrifice of our veterans through ceremonies and prayers. I call upon Federal, State, and local officials to display the flag of the United States and to support and participate in patriotic activities in their communities. I invite civic and fraternal organizations, places of worship, schools, businesses, unions, and the media to support this national observance with commemorative expressions and programs.

IN WITNESS WHEREOF, I have hereunto set my hand this thirty-first day of October, in the year of our Lord two thousand eight, and of the Independence of the United States of America the two hundred and thirty-third. GEORGE W. BUSH

Â

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harness the wind

if the winds of fortune are temporarily blowing against you, remember that you can harness them and make them carry you toward your definite purpose, through the use of your imagination.- napoleon hill

and the winds were blowing strong at my house this past saturday. most days i do pretty well. not saturday. saturday had me in tears...a few times. before 8 AM that day... ryder bit sky for sitting in his seat sky wouldn't stop whining ryder wouldn't stop throwing fits (the jumping up and down, drive-you-crazy kind of fits) the little ones wouldn't stop arguing i spilled my cup of coffee everywhere i stepped in a pile of dog crap i kept thinking about having to mow the lawn that should have been mowed the previous week the house was a mess and the laundry seemed to have learned to procreate on its own.

while being a temporary single mom, i surely had temporarily lost control of my household and my kids. thank goodness that a birthday party was in the plans and my friend had offered to take my little ones there, with her kids (have i mentioned how much i cherish my friends). so the little ones left and kiele and i spent time together working on the yard. believe it or not, we actually enjoyed it. she and i. alone. sharing time and working as a team, to cover the chores that steve previously claimed as his. and by the time the little ones returned, after a full day of playing with friends, everyone was back to normal--well-behaved and happy.

i can't really explain what had happened saturday morning. i typically pride myself in having well-behaved kids and i was at a loss as to why they were behaving so badly that morning. but my thought is that it's part of the adjustment of daddy being gone. we had skyped with steve friday evening and maybe that factored into the little ones acting out saturday morning. maybe they were sad? or angry? angry that daddy is gone and they don't have the words to express their feelings. or maybe they were just testing? i don't know. i just don't know.

the military tries to prepare us for the deployment with meetings, presentations, pamphlets, resources, etc. but i'm not sure anyone ever fully could. especially the kids. seven months without daddy is simply damn difficult...and no one can prepare a three and five year old for that. no matter how hard i or anyone else tries.

sunday was a better day.

time to hear

if my mind can conceive it,and my heart can believe it, i know i can achieve it. - jesse jackson

Time to Hear. Â that is the name of the book she wrote, for her 6th grade english class assignment. i had a number of teachers suggest that i work on getting kiele's book published, with kiele's deaf itinerant basically insisting on it. so that is now what i'm working on. i've already been in contact with someone, who is going to pitch kiele's book to a publisher.

sorry for the crappy scan of the book; i had the scanner set on color smoothing so it jacked up all kiele's pictures. i plan to rescan once she gets the book back.Â

i can't even begin to express how very proud i am of kiele. Â she amazes me each and every day, with her grace, beauty, intelligence, maturity and immense amount of kindness. Â

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