powerful

last night, steve and i watched taxi to the dark side, a 2007 oscar winning documentary about US interrogation policies in iraq and afghanistan.  the documentary is incredibly powerful, sad and sometimes even difficult to watch!  it's amazing how much research went into the movie.  and to think that no officer or administrative official got hammered in that whole deal is absolutely mind-blowing. and today, i watched this online documentary, sent to me by my partner in crime, from my air force nursing days at eglin AFB.  the documentary is about a group of US soldiers deployed to the wardak province, afghanistan, in early 2009 (my guess is that these same guys are still there). some of the scenes captured in this documentary are incredible...and powerful.  if you have a free half-hour, it's definitely worth the watch.  the link was accompanied by the following email message, from steve in afghanistan (not my steve; i have no idea who this person is or his association with the military).

As you read futher and open the link below you will find 8 thumbnail pictures across the top of the page.  Simply click on each thumbnail for a suberb presentation of life in Afghanistan for our troops. Even though it is in a totally different environment and as much as 35 plus years later, I swear that  most of the attitudes and comments are the same as those expressed in Viet Nam.  I imagine that the same could be said by anyone serving during Operation Desert Storm, Iraq, Korea, WWII, or any if the other armed conflicts that we have been involved

--------------------------------------

Hi All, Having worked with nearly 100 reporters during my time here in Afghanistan, I have seen a lot of good products (and not so good products) come out.  Simply put, the mission of my soldiers and I is to "tell the soldier's story."  And this product here, without question, is something I wish every American and Canadian could see.

Several months ago we brought in a film crew from the Associated Press and embedded them with our soldiers in Wardak province.  They have produced an unbelievable documentary that I'm sending you the link to.  I know that I send out a lot of stories about life here, but if you look at only ONE thing, make it this.

The film crew embedded down to the lowest level, the "soldiers being soldiers" level.  This is a web documentary in which it shows soldiers, raw and unvarnished, without an officer in sight.  They swear and they bitch yes...but they, far better than I do, tell the story of the fight here and why it matters.

There are 8 sections, each a couple of minutes long, each focusing on a different theme:  sacrifice, their thoughts on Afghanistan and the world, facing death, why we fight, and what life is like here every day.  The images they capture are extremely moving and powerful:   villagers bringing soldiers cups of tea, children, soldiers on patrol in the mud and searching villages for weapons caches, and what it's like living in a smelly tent for 12 months where you shower only every few weeks and where friend and enemy look the same.

It is, quite simply, as close as you can get to being here without being here.

I don't think I have ever asked anyone to ever forward anything along to the people on your own distro lists.  But this is a first:  if you are as moved as I am by this documentary, I ask you to forward it on.  So many people ask, "what is life like as a soldier?"  This is without a doubt the best answer I could ever give after nearly 18 years in the Army. Steve

associated press' wardak soldiers online documentary

some things to think about

i picked up one of my photography magazines (the july issue of professional photographer) the other day and in there was this great article--an interview with marketing guru, seth godin. i had heard about mr. godin quite a while ago from somewhere (can't remember where) and i actually own a couple of his books. so...i thought i'd share a few key questions and interesting points, from his interview:

how do you become somebody who is able to create a different sort of feature, a different sort of environment?

how do you become someone who goes to some edge where there is no one else like you?

how do you become that person where people will cross the street, pay extra and wait in line because what you do is different, better and more remarkable than everyone else in the yellow pages?

it's not how do i get the web to make my business work, it's how do i define a business that works well with the web. step 1: do things regularly that are worth of becoming viral--connecting people so they spread the word about you. step 2: don't try and make the most of your business from strangers, make the most of your business from friends and the friends they introduce you to.

making a living as a photographer is not about access to tools. anyone can buy a good camera these days. and it's much more than having the most or the best equipment. it's about doing photography worth paying for.

always remember that being a photographer is much more than taking pictures; it's about creating an experience (from beginning to end) that is remarkable and people can't help but talk about it.

definitely some things to think about.

finding my place

and above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. those who don't believe in magic will never find it.- roald dahl

yep, started another three or four blog posts, only to go no further than more saved drafts. seems to be the trend lately.  and just seems to be how things are rollin' these days.

i am really working to find my place in so many ways--as a wife, a mother, a photographer and flat out just find my place in general.

not long ago, steve was separated from us, deployed to iraq for seven months. and for about a year prior to that, his average time getting home from work was around 7 or 8 PM. now...he's home all the time and many days by 1 PM. and we are parents together, working as a team. i am no longer the (temporary) single parent making all the decisions for my children; my role is and equal half of the parenting equation. i went from being crazy busy in san diego with my business, to being here in kansas and well...not crazy busy.  i know...everyone's probably thinking,

hey stupid, that's awesome. wake up. what is there to think about or ponder or find?  it's right in front of your face.  grab it.  tightly.  and hold it with everything you have because before you know it, it will be gone and you'll be begging to have it back.

yes, i know. i know. i know. i know. i get it. but with post-deployment, there comes a phase of reintegration or a readjustment period. and beyond the standard post-deployment reintegration bit, we added a move across country to the mix and a daughter, who has been away from us (with her dad) all summer.

believe me, i'm grateful as can be...but this is all still a pretty big adjustment. i know my fellow military spouses are nodding their head in agreement--they've been there and they get it. while my best guess is that the non-military folks are thinking i'm a bit off in my thinking and maybe even a bit crazy.

i absolutely love my husband and have to say he's the greatest husband and father ever. i'm thankful that he's home and for this time we're getting to spend with him. but, like i said (over and over again)...it's an adjustment.

i know that this is time we won't see again (until steve retires) and i'm working hard to realize that it's okay to slow down and not be crazy busy with life and well...simply embrace and cherish this time we have together, with every morsel in my body.

i guess in the end, i just i feel like i'm in a really weird place right now. everything has changed and i'm trying to understand how i fit in amongst that change.

inspiration by the bundles

yesterday i learned of two blogs that inspire me so.  these two women are so darn talented, creative and not so serious.  i love that.  wish i was more of that. i feel like when i'm having a bad day, i could go to either of their blogs and my spirits would be immediately lifted.

color me katie seems so incredibly free-spirited and fun.  wish she was my neighbor.  shoot, i wish she just lived in my city.  you have to check out these two photography projects of hers:  street art (brooklyn thought project and the shadow project) and little surprises, where she leaves little bits of goodness around her city for others to find.  and her improv everywhere work too.  the no pants video had me so cracking up.  seriously, you can't help but love and be inspired by her work.

and then there's you can't be serious' blog.  i actually knew about hailey from flickr, but had never been to her blog or website.  she is so incredibly talented with everything she does.  i mean look at her--claymation, photography, film.  and every bit of it is absolutely incredible.

and while hailey might have a girl crush on katie, i think i have one on hailey.  i'd hire her in a second for both photography and film, if she didn't live all the way around the world.  maybe someday we will visit australia...maybe someday!

did you see her 365. GRATEFUL project?  oh man.  i love it so.  i think i might try my own 365 days of being thankful photography project--of course, solely inspired by hailey's project. amazing!  and remembering to be grateful each and every day is so important to me. i absolutely love the idea.  yes...i shall start today ;-)

and this little family video (holiday in hastings) that hailey did.  oh my.  love.

Holidaying in Hastings from hailey bartholomew on Vimeo.

reading these two blogs yesterday and today and soaking in as much goodness and inspiration that i possibly can, reminded me of a couple inspirational things i came across on the streets of california.

the first was when shooting the flohr family. we came across these signs posted on random poles and trees around their neighborhood, think of others -- smile & be nice! i just loved them so.  peta shot the family with me and captured this photo of melis and her youngest, by one of the signs.

and in venice beach, i came across this mural painted on the garage of a house.  had to drive around a couple times to get the photo b/c it was in an small alley, with no room for parking and cars kept coming.  i have a wall, where i've been wondering what print to put up...i think it might just have to be this one.

so many thoughts

very little is needed to make a happy life;it is all within yourself... in your way of thinking. - elisabeth kubler-ross

i'm not kidding when i say that i've rewritten this blog post three times today...and i had started and saved at least five different blog posts last week that never got published. so many thoughts running through my head, but none of those thoughts have made it farther than a blog draft thus far. but today is the day...to publish no matter what!

first, let me share that i'm back on the wagon--not the 'i'm going to abstain from drinking' wagon but the 'i'm going to get back in shape and not be so squishy' wagon. i was pretty much feeling crappy the past few weeks...really crappy. i had stopped working out a couple months before steve got home because i got too busy with work (photography). then i embraced steve's return and continued to not workout. a month later, we relocated and here we are--no more excuses--just feeling very "fluffy", as one of my dear friends says. it didn't matter how much i weighed; i knew i was fluffy and i felt like shit. a week ago, i committed that i'd get back on the wagon and begin working out. so i've been following a daily routine, alternating cardio and weight training. while i'm certain i haven't lost a pound and i'm not any less fluffy at this point, i'm standing taller and walking prouder already. i am determined!!

++++++

i've also done a bunch of business thinking this week--ordered new business postcards, new business cards, and worked on a portfolio book. this morning, i began a blog post about my endeavors to market, in an effort to get clients while here in KS. by afternoon, i had decided that i'm not going to do any hard core marketing while here.  instead, i'm going to use the next 11 months to hard core spend time with my family and shoot a bit (or maybe a lot) for me--personal work. i already have a few project ideas in mind, projects that actually having been keeping me up at night lately.

one of these days (soon) i'm going to feel settled enough to get back shooting.  it's been a nice break but i really do miss my camera time.

if interested, you can preview (and even order a copy of) my portfolio book here. designing and sharing a book of your work, even if self-published, is always exciting. while the book started as a deb schwedhelm photography portfolio book accompanied by inspirational quotes...in the end, i decided to just let the photographs speak for themselves.  i hope you enjoy! :-)

words of wisdom

today has me thinking. i'm not talking about the thinking that i whined about in yesterday's post. this thinking is about passion, inspiring, exploring, discovery, freeing, supporting and really living. some of you might recall that i've mentioned maggie doyne a few times in the past, here on my blog.  today on maggie's blog, i read and want to share some incredible words of wisdom, from her mom, nancy doyne.

these words... Frankly, my desire was that each of my 3 daughters, connect to their own passion, so that their passion would drive their lives. To wake up feeling passionate about life, one's own life, and to feel life as an adventure with you directing the course.

It is a journey that includes introspection, and a willingness to be honest with oneself. Know yourself, and not judge. All 3 of my daughters were offered opportunities to unplug from the world including family, social, educational and mental expectations. To let all these drop away is frightening, yet freeing. Because as those structures come down, YOU as your own source comes forward, and helps direct your path.

To take some time out/off from the world, and live below the radar, and off the grid, and truly connect to your SELF is not something most parents are comfortable with. They become frightened of the short sight, and don't trust the longer goal/objective. But, there is an intention for this unplugging... not just a form of procrastination and sense of being lost.

My daughter Kate worked on an organic lettuce farm in Hawaii. My daughter Libby just took a semester in New Zealand. Most parents and families are only comfortable when children follow the dotted line of social expectations. I have always felt the decade of the 20's was a time to connect your Self to the world, and to explore. This can be done cheaply, especially when there are no committed relationships and no obligations. So, keeping yourself free, allows time to be a little 'selfish' in a healthy definition of selfish. No debt, and working to save some money that you value is important. Clothes Labels are not important in our house. Being comfortable with the 'unknown' and being a good judge of healthy risk vs stupid risk is a must in the journey of 'self discovery'. It is almost like being an entrepreneur of your own life.

Start with taking long weekends, and going hiking, backpacking or some other form of inexpensive adventure, that reconnects you with nature. The natural world allows your soul to remember and to commune with you and your mind. Go to the library, and read some books that inspire and support you.

Stay drug free and be careful of surrounding yourself with people who are into drama and victimhood. Like attracts Like, so surround yourself with people/places that inspire you.

1000 people on 1000 different paths all going in the same direction..toward love and light. Connect to and trust your own instincts.

My daughter Kate has a wonderful blog. She has a different style than Maggie, but read the archives, and she will give you additional courage to BE YOURSELF with all the ups and downs of being the artist of your own life. She may help inspire you as well as Maggie.

It is truly a GREAT time to be young. Stay away from news/news media and TV as much as possible. It is a brain dead megaphone. I hope this helps.

My very best wishes, Nancy Doyne.

these words of nancy doyne blow my mind, in the best and most powerful way. you see, once steve retires (in nine years), our plan is to buy a sailboat and sail around the americas. we're planning to do so for at least a year...maybe more.  we're going to make stops and give back, wherever and whenever we can.  the little ones, who will no longer be little (13 and 15 years) will come with us. kiele, who will be 21, will have the choice, although she has already shared that she wants to come too. we're doing this for a couple different reasons: 1) steve flat out loves to sail and 2) for the exact reasons that nancy doyne writes about--a journey of living without constraints. a journey of not only connecting with nature and the world around us, but also connecting with ourselves and one another. a journey of living and being free. of teaching and inspiring. of giving.

steve has always said that he doesn't care if our kids go to college and obtain a bachelors degree. maybe they have some natural skill/ability/talent that doesn't need a four-year degree or any degree for that matter. and while i haven't always completely agreed with him...he is right!  in the end, it's about teaching our children about passion and what's possible, not what the majority of society has deemed as successful.

i wish i could be as free as nancy doyne, but i'm not. i do get tangled up in having a nice house and nice things. i wish i didn't. and that's why i can't wait for the day when we can pack up 99.9% of our belongings (our nice shit!) and just go and be free-- to take some time out / off from the world and live below the radar, off the grid and truly connect (nancy doyne).

thank you nancy for your incredible words of wisdom.  i look forward to the day when we can read more from you.

and i encourage everyone to read maggie doyne's journal. she is one inspiring young woman doing incredible things in this world.

we're not in san diego anymore

i've rewritten this post about 10 times now. and keep deleting it because i don't want to come across as whiney. but shoot, maybe that's exactly what i'm being...just plain ole whiney. and if that's the case, let me apologize in advance and warn you to read at your own risk. we're almost completely settled now and the chaos is coming to a close. just some paperwork to file and a few pictures left to hang (oh...and a fence to build, an unfinished room to finish and a yard to landscape). but i've determined that the chaos was good for me. during all the move crap, i didn't really have to think...just do. and now that the moving chaos has parted--for the most part--and the thinking has resumed, i'm really missing my friends. i'm really missing san diego.  i could go on and on about the things that i miss...but i won't.  i think i'm already whining enough.

i keep trying to convince myself of the joys of this one-year adventure...here in KS. some days, i need no real convincing at all. other days, i can't seem to find much joy in this place...and feel rather lonely. i guess that's what naturally happens when one moves but...we do it so often (every 18-24 months). and then of course, in the back of my mind is the fact that we're only here for 11 months. and frankly, that's just damn hard.

but! but! but!

whining aside, i have to say...i'm so thankful for my friend gwenn. having she and her family here has made this transition a million times easier and that's really why i feel i have no right to be whiney or ever feel lonely. i absolutely adore gwenn and her family! our kids have a blast together and...they only live five miles away.

gwenn and i were air force nurses together back in 1998-99. we were besties back then and have always kept in touch through the years. not in our wildest dreams (okay, maybe in our wildest) did we ever think we'd be stationed together again (her dh is an air force pilot and steve is an explosive ordnance disposal officer). but somehow--here we are, together at an army assignment (ft leavenworth's command and staff college). how meant to be is that? yep, kind of crazy how it all worked out and i tell ya, i'm so fricken thankful. i often wonder how different--how lonely-- things would have been without gwenn being here.

through the many assignments, across many miles, i have some of the most amazing friends a girl could dream for--and i am so incredibly thankful for my friends!

i close with some photos from this past weekend--a day spent together, my family and gwenn's, at lake perry, kansas.

love ya gwenn. truly, i don't know what i'd do without you.

p.s. can you tell that our kids play hard! p.s.s. i lied--we still have an entire basement to organize, to include kiele's room (she returns from being with her dad for the summer, on august 9th). still not quite chaos though.

believing

dreams are like the paints of a great artist.your dreams are your paints, the world is your canvas. believing is the brush that converts your dreams into a masterpiece of reality. - author unknown

© deb schwedhelm photography | san diego photographer - kansas city photographer

getting situated

we're in our home and getting situated.  days have been stressful...because moving is stressful. haven't felt like blogging, shooting or much of anything...except settling. frankly, i think moving just sucks.  and when you know it's for only 11 months, it sucks that much more. i'm one of those people, whose house must be settled for life to feel settled...for life to continue as it once did, but now in a new and different location.  and while i'm definitely getting closer, i'm not quite there yet. in saying all that, i know i shouldn't be this way, but i am. and i tell myself on a regular basis to just chill out! and before i'm done whining...let me share about kansas city time warner cable. first, a contracted company comes to set up our cable...but didn't.  well he did, but after being here for over 2 1/2 hours, he left without our internet and cable working properly.  our internet is dial-up slow and we can't even use our cable box due to the signal being so low.  the cable was placed across our backyard, over our fence and across a city walking path, which is posing a safety hazard to the numerous walkers, runners and bikers, who daily use the path.  and to top the situation off...time warner has been a no-show for the past five days, even after talking to a time warner at least five times a day (and a supervisor yesterday and today).  i've sat here, day after day, waiting and waiting and calling and calling. un-fucking-believable.

++++++

just when i'm feeling a lot frustrated and a bit sorry for myself, i pause from my blogging to go visit a few of my regular blogs. i almost always start with my friends, who are battling cancer: max's team sam's kirsten sandstrom's

i also know that reading these blogs will provide me with a much needed reality check. today, i went to sam's first, as i know his health has been very up and down lately. his led me to super ryan's blog, whose i've visited on occasion in the past.

OH MY GOSH!

how can i really think i'm having a bad week or feel sorry for myself, even in the slightest?!!

this family is not only losing a child to cancer, but they just lost their mother/wife to cancer a couple days ago. this family's pain must be truly unbearable. i can't imagine...absolutely cannot imagine.

++++++

let me always realize how very blessed i am...how very blessed my family is. let me realize that the "stressful, trying" times really aren't stressful or trying at all. dammit, let me realize that i don't have a single thing to feel sorry for myself about.  let me realize!

a house becomes our home.

a house is made of walls and beams;a home is built with love and dreams. - author unknown

tomorrow...our house, which was officially ours yesterday, will become our home. our household goods will be delivered in the morning and let me tell you...we are ready!! i seriously cannot wait.

last night, i woke at 2 AM. not being able to fall back asleep, my mind went over every item in our san diego house, attempting to find it a place in our kansas house. and then there would be an item (well...many), that i couldn't place and my mind began to panic. i'm just that way. everything needs it's perfect place even if it's only for a year (you already knew that terry, huh?!). if my house isn't well settled, neither am i. and my mind, body and soul are ready to once again be settled.

++++++

i did plenty of complaining about the excessive hot and humid weather when first arriving to kansas, but there are some definite things that i've already come to love here: - so much land everywhere (farm land, fields, wildflowers, trees, green) - little to no traffic - great roads - diverse weather (can't wait till the fall and winter) - puffy clouds - beautiful sunsets (different from san diego's beautiful sunsets) - one of my best friends from my AF nursing days, whom i never thought i'd be stationed with, is here - i'm anxious to explore (and support) our small town

++++++

i'm excited to get settled. i'm excited to get back to living. i'm excited to get back to shooting. i haven't picked up my camera much b/c my shooting is directly related to my life and when my life is unsettled, shooting just doesn't really happen much. hopefully soon.

hopefully soon!

welcome home

i still can't believe it.  and am excited beyond words.  this photograph, entitled welcome home, was selected into the art of photography show, in san diego.

out of 15,000 entries, from 57 countries, only 111 photographs were selected by judge, charlotte cotton.

i found out while en route to kansas, but waited to post until i could get my hands on the image, to accompany the post.  while it's such an incredible honor to have any image chosen for the art of photography show, having this specific image selected means even that much more.  yep, still can't believe it!

the opening reception is august 29th, at the lyceum theatre in san diego.   my plan is to return to san diego that weekend, to attend the gala.  i'm incredibly excited...and so hope i will get to see a bunch of my friends, clients, peers and colleagues, while there.

i am simply amazed at how incredible this photography journey has been.  i am blessed!

dear room 812

the bumps in the road just make the ride more fun.- author unknown

this morning, when we got back from breakfast, we returned to a note slipped under our door, which went something like this:

your dog has been barking for the past 1/2 hour. we were going to stay at this hotel another day and night but now we can't. we would like you to pay for our room. 812

yes, the front desk had called us, while at breakfast (luckily we had just finished). are you in room 810? yes. we got a call about your dog barking. okay. we're on our way up and we're leaving today. sorry about that.

at first, i was angry about the note and my initial reaction was to write in large bold letters, hell no. pay for your own room.

but then i pulled myself together and thought rationally for a bit and in my neatest writing, i replied: dear room 812 please accept my apologies for our dog barking for the past 1/2 hour, while we were at breakfast. he normally doesn't do that. i wish you would have called the front desk earlier because as soon as you did, we returned immediately back to the room.

we're a military family forced to move across country and therefore, forced to travel with our dog--not by choice!!!!

please feel free to stay in your room another night without the risk of listening to our dog bark, as we are checking out this morning. thank you for your understanding and again, please accept my apologies.

sincerely, the family in room 810

i walked two doors down the hallway and gently and quietly slipped the note under the door of room 812. and off we went, traveling the last leg of our journey to kansas. ++++++

so here i sit, in kansas. it's all still a bit surreal and hot and humid as shit. we're in a wonderful two-bedroom hotel room for the next week until our house closes on the 29th and we are able to get in it. our household goods are scheduled to be delivered on the 30th.  it's funny how being in the same hotel room for one whole week has us feeling rather settled.

++++++

we definitely experienced our fair share of bumps in the road along the way, nothing terrible but bumps none-the-less, to include the above dog-barking-nastygram.

we started our journey last wednesday morning, with two cars packed to the brim, the little ones in the back seat armed with their ipod movies and a pre-medicated carsick dog, sitting in a $100 elevated doggy booster seat, shivering like a cartoon character.

our first stop was orange, CA. i know. not far. but i had to say good-bye to one of my dearest friends ever--leah. we hung out for a couple hours--the kids playing and us doing our normal stuff--as if it was just another day. and then it was time to say good-bye and i cried like a baby. i will miss leah and her family so.  but the great thing as that most of our friendship took place on the phone and that...will not change!

then it was on to sedona for two days. took a jeep tour on sedona's scenic rim.  steve and i loved it.  the kids were bored and ryder ended up with a stomach ache from all the bouncing around.  oh yea.  we also got to see kelly ripa and her family in our hotel's restaurant. as we were leaving the restaurant, she and family were entering. of course, i had to go up to her and confirm that it was her. after she confirmed, i said, i bet you just want everyone to leave you alone so you can enjoy your dinner in peace. yea, she replied, with an isn't that obvious look in her eyes. and that was it. but man is that family H-O-T!

after sedona, we travelled to albuquerque, to visit one of steve's brothers and his fiance. we rode the albuquerque tram, did some hiking and had a wonderful dinner with T and M. the next morning, all loaded in the car and ready for the next leg of our trip (albuquerque to denver), the wagon wouldn't start. no noise. nothing. dead. and then...no jumper cables.

that's okay, i thought, i'll just ask the front desk for jumper cables.  sure, they had jumper cables in the van but the van wasn't due back for another 30 minutes. so i kindly asked the man, who was loading up his van, if he has any cables and thankfully he did. that did the trick and we were off to find a new battery before doing the eight hour trip. steve knew where a sears was so we stopped there first. they didn't carry the right battery for the wagon and recommended the volvo dealership, which we never ended up finding. so steve suggested that we just press on to denver and get a new battery there.  and we did.

that was when i discovered that our carsick dog is also afraid of windshield wipers. every time the wipers went, he cowered like it was a monster running across the windshield. eventually, because it rained so much, he got used to it.

our first stop in CO was pueblo.  a quick lunch with another of steve's brothers and then on to denver.  our hotel (the curtis) was super cool but our room was on the 8th floor--not very fun with a dog.  at one point (i don't remember why), the kids and i went to the room without steve and when i opened the door, the dog bolted out and ran as fast as his little legs would take him down the hall.  giggling and yelling for charley, the kids bolted after him. there i stood, in a fluster, hollering for the little ones to get back into the hotel room, hoping charley would follow. in the end, it was all pretty hilarious (to everyone except room 812).

we spent two days in denver. the first night, we went out with cheryl nicolai and hubby, while her older kids babysat the little ones in the hotel room. at the end of the night, i went to pay but cheryl beat me to it. and that's when it must have happened. in the morning, i woke up and no credit card. how the hell did i lose my credit card when i never even paid for anything? after looking at the restaurant, the bar and in CJ's car...it was officially declared gone and i proceeded to cancel the darn thing.

and the car battery...steve did end up finding a battery in denver. he emptied everything out of the back of the volvo wagon (b/c that's where the battery is), only to realize that he needed tools to remove the battery. he loaded everything back into the wagon and ended up getting the right tool from the front desk--thank goodness.

had an awesome lunch cooked by chef bob (CJ's husband) and a chilled night, as we prepared for our final leg, to kansas city.

after an 8-hour drive today, we arrived safely in kansas city around 7 PM. and here i sit. thankful that it is done and trying hard not to think about the fact that we'll be doing this all over again in less than a year. my best guess is that we'll end up with an assignment back to san diego or VA. hopefully we'll have that answer by january.

sorry no photos with this post but i'm just too darn tired to get photos off my phone.  and i hope that this post makes sense, as i'm too tired to re-read.

good bye san diego

distance never separates those that really care, for our memories span the miles and in seconds we are there. but whenever i start feeling sad because i miss you, i remind myself how lucky i am to have someone so special to miss.- author unknown here i sit, in a surreal state, as i listen to the crunch of the papers and the screech of the tape behind me...the movers packing the last of the remaining framed prints that once proudly graced our walls.  most everything is now packed and ready to be loaded on the truck tomorrow and...my role in this moving chaos is now mostly complete.  our suitcases are ready and stashed in the designated "don't pack zone", soon to be loaded in our cars.  our time in our san diego house, the one we called home for the past 4 1/2 years, is done.  we will stay elsewhere tonight and the our adventure begins.

are we really leaving? has our time in san diego really come to a close? really?

sometimes i can't believe our time in san diego has come to a close but it has. i keep my fingers crossed that we will return in the next nine years--the time steve has left before he retires. and maybe if i cross them really, really tight, we'll be back in a year, after steve's school is finished in KS.

++++++

i was just called away.  the mover...calling me with a packing question, in the back room. as i walk down the hall, i see my kids, in an empty room--all but the dressers and TV--as they watch cartoons.  they do this, as their world around them is packed up in a variety of boxes, rather immune to it all. me...i guess at this point, i'm kind of numb. or rather a mix of emotions--none of them able to fully express themselves.

okay, maybe the kids are not so immune...as ryder just had another crying tantrum, something he has become quite fond of over the past couple weeks.  i can't help to think that these tantrums stem from this current unknown and disruption in his life. this is all so hard to grasp for the kids. skyler last moved at 18 months and ryder, one month old.

++++++

i said my good-byes to most. well sort of, in my own cowardly way. if you read this post, you know what i'm talking about. and no shawn, that's *not* why i didn't show up for the dance fest on saturday. ;-)

i don't know. i've done this six other times and it still feels weird. i kind of don't even know what to say at the moment except...moving sucks.

i'll leave you with some polaroids of a few of my favorite san diego things--favorite for one reason or another. i'm planning to do a formal san diego favorites post, when i have more time and can do the post more justice (once settled in KS).

and you can follow our travels, from san diego to kansas city, by following me here, on twitter. i have my phone twitterfied and will be posting our happenings throughout the days...throughout the miles. if you don't know what twitter is, read about it in the june 5th edition of time magazine or you could just read it here!  come on.  just do it...follow me.

hope to see you again soon san diego.  thanks for being so good to us.

will you ever?

i don’t think you will ever...fully understand how you've touched my life and made me who i am. i don't think you could ever... know just how truly special you are. - erica jong

i have this thing. always have. i'm good at blocking things out. the bad things. the things that have been difficult in my life. i put them in a place, a place where i can't find them and they cannot escape. it's part of my personal survival mechanism in life. how i survived my past. i know...it's not exactly a good thing but i've become very good at it.

well, i have this thing with leaving too. this coping mechanism. if i keep telling everyone that i'll see them again before i go (truly believing that i just might), then i might not have to say an official good-bye. well this all hit me today. as i arranged to meet one of my greatest friends here in san diego, for a last play date together, because she is going out of town tomorrow and if we don't see each other today, i won't see her before we leave.

damn. that screws up my ability to say, i'll see you again before i go. because i won't.

this play date arrangement all happened via email, while i was editing max's family's photos. and all of a sudden it hit me--the moving, the leaving. it hit me like a train and the tears began to uncontrollably flow. i couldn't keep them in that magic place, unable to escape...and i breathed and let them flow.

i have made some of the best friends i have ever had in my entire life, while here in san diego. and while i know for certain that i will see most of them again, it just doesn't matter...this leaving thing just sucks!

++++++

long overdue, i am working hard to finish max's family's photos, to get the photos to the them before i leave. in the beginning of the year, i had told andy and melis that i really hoped to do a family photo of them before i left, if and when they were ready. in april, they were ready. i knew they would include max's shark, bruce, in the photos (always), but i had an idea for them to release seven orange balloons--max is forever seven and his favorite color was orange. they agreed. we walked around and shot all over balboa park, one of max's special places. a couple hours later and almost to our cars, melis says, darn, we forgot about the balloons. no worries, just get them and we'll photograph them somewhere here [near the parking lot], i replied.

and we did. i photographed the family releasing seven orange balloons for max to catch and hold onto in Heaven.

while editing the photos this morning, i came across this one, which literally took my breath away. it was my test shot for lighting. i'm not even sure what i focused on in the shot...it was just a test shot. but it wasn't; it turned out to be much, much more than just the test shot. it's like the light is pulling the balloons, calling for them. how did the wind of the balloons and the light of the flare line up so perfectly?  i have to believe it's max's light shining down, letting them know that he's okay. and did andy see it? did he see or sense something that was beyond what he even knew at the time? all the other balloon shots i have...not a hint of wind.

the first shot, just testing the light

the moment the balloons were released, beginning to float away

watching them float to Heaven. to max.

will these people that have come into my life and changed my life forever... will they ever know how much they mean to me? how special they are? how they have become a part of my soul?

i hope so.

max, i miss you little buddy!

boho girl

free. radical. independent.her style is her own. it's personal, existential.

her only fear is convention. her only weakness, shoes. the bump on her nose adds character., the scar on her shoulder adds strength, the curl in her hair adds attitude. there is no such thing as imperfection, just originality.

unmovable, unshakeable, unstoppable, she is america's next top role model. someone both inspired and inspiring. she embraces her spirituality, aspires to her dreams, lives through her passions. she is a world changer. she is bohemian. she is boho girl. - boho magazine

denise shared boho magazine with me today and when i read the above description of boho girl, my heart sang and my lungs filled with air. a smile consumed my face. i really do believe that denise's path and mine were meant to cross...and at just the right time. i also believe that the boho in me is on the brink of exploding. naturally. beautifully. and i can't wait till it does. sigh...amidst the chaos of my house, my life, our move, my heart is so happy.

another favorite shot of denise.

and another shot denise took of me.

boho loveliness

boho girl (aka denise, of boho photo) and i talked months and months ago about getting together and swapping photo sessions. both of us busy--me managing temporarily single momness and her raising their new baby boy. the months passed and before i knew it, we were preparing for our move to kansas, with no further discussion of photo session swaps. but then, the end of may...boho girl emailed me about the exchange. i know you're busy and leaving, but is there any way that we could do this for one another soon?!?

knowing it was just she and i to coordinate and that i adored her blog loveliness, i said yes. surely we could figure something out, right?! and we did...this past weekend. very, very early in the morning. just she and i, being girls and doing this for one another.

when we met, i was nervous...amazed that this awesome artist (of mainly incredible and talented women) wanted me to photograph her. it's always incredibly flattering when another artist asks you to photograph them, but this was boho girl wanting me to photograph her, just her--as a woman, a writer, an artist. but i dug deep, to find the confidence to capture her, just as she hoped and dreamt.

in the end, it turned out to be easy because boho girl is incredible. her body screams with goodness, strength, beauty and confidence. just being around her makes me happy. and makes me want more of her.

and then it was my turn, to be in front of the camera. i had contemplated at least 100 times about canceling but i knew it was something i needed to do. and i'm so thankful i did. boho girl helped me see my own beauty--something i have always struggled with. not good enough. not pretty enough. not thin enough. not smart enough. the list goes on. but boho girl made me feel comfortable in my own skin.  boho girl made me feel beautiful.  and gave me photos of myself that i will forever treasure.

boho girl needed me. and i needed her. i know our paths were meant to cross and our photo sessions meant to happen.  i'm thankful for it all.  deeply thankful.

i leave you with some photos of boho girl and a special photo of me, taken by boho girl, where i feel she captured the essence of who i am and how i feel.

love you boho girl. and while our friendship has only just begun, i know it will continue to bloom--a special and forever friendship, for sure! xo. me

there's no place like home

i long, as does every human being, to be at home wherever i find myself.- maya angelou

well, i survived the two birthday parties last weekend.  and now we're on the brink of another weekend.  how did that happen?  another week came and went and i didn't keep up very well. damn. and now, only 11 days remain for us here in san diego.

but, but, but! the super exciting news of the moment... after a few counters back and forth, we are in contract for this house (photo taken by realtor, not me).  

yep, we are.  if all goes through with our pre-approved loan, we will live in this home by the end of the month.  our home. together in kansas.  even if it's only for a year.  no wait...11 months. it will be ours, all ours.  after that, we will rent it.  to others, just like us--but not as daring or risky or crazy enough--to buy, when only living there for umm...less than a year.  you see, my husband has this entrepreneurial spirit and that includes real estate investing. one day, he'll even own a laundromat...so he continues to share with me.

i nod my head, yes honey.  but you watch.  he will.  i guess that means i will too.

so hell yea to 2500 square feet, four bedrooms, three full bathrooms, a two-car garage and hopefully a linen closet (forgot to check on that). and we will say good-bye to a 1500 square feet of house that has been good to us and taken care of us for the past 3 1/2 years (we've actually been here 4 1/2 years but cat pee, gopher, rat, maggot and fly infestation (left to us by the previous home owners) caused our relocation from our first san diego house, after a year).

we will miss you dear betty street house.  you have taken such good care of us and left us with so many wonderful memories.  and i thank you for that.

it's definitely true

life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are.- bernice johnson reagon yes it's true...we are moving to kansas. together. as a family. complete. whole.  all five of us.  i swear this time.  there's no turning back.  or even looking back.

we'll be leaving san diego around june 18th and arriving in kansas the end of june, making a few stops here and there along the way (providing our carsick dog can tolerate it).

this whole journey has been interesting and i have to say that the support and encouragement from friends...and strangers (via blog comments and emails) has had a huge impact on me. huge! it has helped me see. and feel. and believe.  and i thank you from the bottom of my heart.

++++++

i haven't shot much lately. no...i haven't shot at all. a bit paralyzed by life's present chaos.   but i'm thankful.  thankful because most of the time, this paralysis fronts itself as a numbing sensation, rather than a true paralysis. but at times, the paralysis does become so severe, it wakes me at night--unable to breathe or swallow.  while only lasting a couple seconds, when it consumes my body, the seconds seem more like minutes.  and then...the paralysis weens and the numbing resumes.

but this weekend, we are celebrating two birthdays--kiele turning 12 (sleepover party on saturday) and skyler turning 6 (princess party at a salon on sunday)--and i will shoot. i also have a special (girl) date this wednesday and we are going to play....we're going to play with film. and i'm going to shoot something i've had in mind for the beach series. i'm excited to chat. to breathe. to share. to dream. to play.

so here's to breaking this feeling of paralysis, believing in myself and wishing for a helluva adventure in kansas.

dream a dream. wish a wish. set it free. trust your heart. just believe.

just do something!

...like vote for maggie doyne, one of the five DO SOMETHING AWARDS finalists.

i came across maggie doyne's blog quite a while ago and have posted about her quite a few times now. i've never met her...or even talked to her. but she inspires me to be greater, do greater and believe in myself and my dreams.

and so now...i hope that i can inspire you to go vote for this amazing young girl, who is doing her part to change the world. and if you don't, at least go check out her blog because, after reading the amazing things she has accomplished in her short twenty-two years (that all started with her saved $5000 of babysitting money), you will probably change your mind and go vote. 

so just do it... go vote.  

go here. click on vote now. find maggie's video (4th one).  and click on the thumbs up.  you can vote every day, from now until june 4th.  and then...tell others to vote. please! :-)

we need more maggie doyne's in this world.  and at a minimum, we need to spread the word about what this amazing young woman has accomplished and continues to do.

GO MAGGIE!

sometimes i really wish i was a superhero

we can't really relate to a superhero, but we can all identify with the person, who in times of crisis, draws forth some extraordinary quality from within himself and triumphs, but only after a struggle.- adapted from timothy dalton

yesterday, i confirmed to steve that we [the kids and i] were staying here in san diego, while he attended CGSC in KS.  and while not saying much, he nodded with agreement.  this morning, i awoke to a few more blog comments and by 6:30 AM, confirmed that we should go with him to KS and i will make things work for kiele.  i feverishly and passionately completely switched gears and contacted the leavenworth school district, forwarded kiele's IEP, researched houses for sale in KS and ended up in contact with the KS deaf itinerant teacher, who is supposed to be calling kiele's CA deaf itinerant teacher today.  it all seemed to happen in an instant.  without my thinking.  in a blur.

it just happened. just. like. that.

and now, the only thing that is certain is that my husband must think i'm nuts and beyond frustrated with me and my confirmed wishy-washiness.  i've pretty much been in tears every day.  a lump in my throat.  completely sick to my stomach.  this decision sucks.  moving for one year isn't easy for a 7th grader period.  moving for a year is that much more challenging, with a 7th grader with special needs.  i say that and then simultaneously remind myself that i've NEVER made excuses for kiele and her disability...and have always taught her that she is just like everyone else and anything and everything is possible for her.  and well, i guess that should include a one-year move to KS, right?!  damn it...if it were only that easy.  but maybe it is. this, my friends, is what i battle with minute-by-minute, day-by-day.

and then this afternoon, i went to my google reader and read this, by boho girl (one of my favorite blogs)--

Yesterday I walked around quietly and in mindfulness that all of the hard work. All the pain. All of the weeping. All of the tear soaked pillows. All of the confusion. The unanswered questions. The fear. The longing. The aching of a wounded heart. All of it has purpose in my life now. The idea that our pain, our trials are present in our life not only to help mold us into our most beautiful and true selves but to help others do the same, is humbling me to the core.

Sometimes in our pain or in our stories, we feel so isolated and alone. But our stories aren't just about us. Our stories are happening for others to learn from, love from, grow from and with this knowledge, it gives us more purpose. And with this purpose, we have more reason to keep going.

I'm going to keep it simple today and just say that...because that is enough to move mountains in our lives. In my life. Truly.

Today I marinate in the serenade of life purpose.

++++++

maybe this is exactly the path i'm supposed to be on--the path i'm meant to pave. could it be that my journey is to open doors in other states for DHH children? am i just scared to knock those doors down and follow that rocky path? am i just preferring to continue down the path that has become comfortable versus taking the rocky road i'm truly meant to be on?

and i do believe that this story goes beyond me, which is why i continue to share, through my own personal struggles and frustrations.  i know that there's others (military families, families with special needs children and who knows who else) that can benefit from these struggles.  and frankly, while i like to sometimes think that i'm supermom and can do it all...i'm not and i can't.  i'm just me...trying to get through life and be the best i can be.

no matter what happens, i promise you this...i will stay strong and i will keep going.  whether in CA or KS, i will draw from within, use my own personal superhero(ish) qualities and be triumphant in the end. i promise you...i will!

thanks boho girl... i thank you for saying exactly what i've been thinking...and trying to say myself (even though our stories are so very different).   love you. let us marinate!