it's about the passion...and soul

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i can't even begin to explain how much i love this song, performed by this man. so full of soul. full of passion.  you can see it, hear it...feel it!  the soul and passion, that is. makes you long to hear more of his music.  and that's what i dream for with my photography or any photography, for that matter.  it goes beyond a picture.  it's the soul and passion...and the longing to see more. whether you watch american idol or not, i highly, highly recommend downloading adam lambert's song, mad world (found under the american idol downloads) on itunes or at the very least, watch the preview. and make sure you watch the performance version and not just the song.  did i mention...AMAZING!

i can't wait for him to starting making music outside of american idol.

a day of the ride

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life is truly a ride.  we're all strapped in and no one can stop it. when the doctor slaps your behind, he's ripping your ticket and away you go. as you make each passage from youth to adulthood to maturity, sometimes you put your arms up and scream, sometimes you just hang onto that bar in front of you. but the ride is the thing. i think most people can hope for at the end of your life that your hair is messed, you're out of breath and you didn't throw up. - author unkown

yes, yes, yes... it is true. one month. 30 days. one very short month left. until steve is back home. and our family is once again complete.

and with that said, i have so many emotions flooding my head. as i briefly dwell on the six months that has passed, a part of me feels sorry for us, for steve, for all that we missed together...as a family. halloween. our anniversary. thanksgiving. ryder's birthday. christmas. a new year. steve's birthday. kiele's school award. sky stopping wearing night-time pull ups. ryder stopping sucking his thumb. skyler loosing her first tooth. and her second. skyler getting her first school award. and another one. my surgery. easter. kiele's birthday. and that's only the beginning.

and then i remember that it is not what he has missed but about looking forward and being thankful. thankful for so many things. that the time has passed quickly. we are healthy. happy. my husband is safe. that this part of the ride hasn't really been that bad. i have nothing to complain about. and then i feel selfish for even briefly thinking of the things that steve missed...that we missed with him.

so i refocus--think about steve's return and i get butterflies. the time is actually here, the time when i can say with a smile from ear to ear,

my husband is coming home next month!

we will celebrate. enjoy. share. love. laugh. and we will do all of those things...together! but there's a part of me that is scared because while there is immense joy in steve's return, there is also the reality that his return is an adjustment, a reintegration. and that takes time. but with this deployment, our time is cut short and we will move within a month of his return. i try not to stress and worry about this. but the reality is...i do.

yesterday, i tried to talk to steve about our move (do we rent? do we buy? maybe we should just live on post? what school is best for kiele? when do we find the time to visit KS to check things out? do we take the kids on our visit? if not, who will watch them? when will our actual move date be? when do we pack up? etc.) and our conversation ends on a sour note...and it's my fault. frustrated, i cut our conversation short and then couldn't call steve back. no i love you. i miss you. simply,

i think i'm done with this conversation. bye.

i can't apologize. i have to sit and wait. until the next time he calls. i email him with an apology because that is the best i can do. i'm pissed at myself for letting my stress get the best of me. i'm sad that we cannot talk. that i cannot call him back. so deservedly, i wait...and ponder why i acted and reacted the way i did during our conversation.  why i always seem to get so spun up about moving.  i'm mad. at myself. at the situation. i'm frustrated that we're facing one of life's biggest stressors from 8,000 miles away.

so it's back to refocusing, to telling myself... stop worrying. everything will be okay. holy shit...only 30 days left. how exciting. family time. together. and family time is something that our family needs more than anything.

so what can i say about it all.  i'm a mess.  i'm a mess of emotions--excited, stressed, anxious, happy, sad, scared, hopeful, grateful.  

and i can honestly say that at the end of every day, i remind myself that yes, life is a journey. an adventure. a super exciting ride. and i am blessed that my hair is getting pretty damn messy along the way.  that...is a good thing.

what's for dinner?

in ,

so yesterday i still wasn't feeling the best.  cramping at a minimum but still nauseous and rather tired (although 1:30 AM seemed to come rather quickly, for being so damn tired).  looking and feeling like i just crawled out of bed, i decided to take the kids to PF changs for dinner.  it's kiele's ultimate favorite and well, she took care of me the day prior, so i kind of felt like i owed her something special.  i ordered the kids their standard--one order of honey chicken for the three to share.  me...i ordered a cup of egg drop soup, hoping to soothe the belly.  we get our food and all are enjoying their meals, when all of a sudden, i feel something in my mouth.  a bit freaked out, i spit...and in my hand lay my tongue ring, which i proceed to giggle about and show the kids.  it just so happened as i was spitting what seemed to be some foreign object that came from my soup into my hand, the manager walked by.   MA'AM!  oh my gosh.  did you just find something in your soup?

oh no.  it's just my tongue ring.  that's all.  the soup is delicious, i replied with an embarrassed giggle.

oh! my! gosh!  i was actually mortified.  yep, that's all...just spitting out my tongue ring.  oh my gosh!  for those of you that have never met me, i have a bit of a rebellious side (just a bit)...i have a tongue ring (for 10 years) and a nose ring, along with a few tattoos.  if i was 10 or so years younger and could do it again, to my husband's dismay, i'd have my entire arm tattooed and probably a few more piercings.  

when i had my surgery, i had to take off all my jewelry, to include my nose and tongue ring.  apparently when putting my tongue ring back in, i didn't tighten it quite enough.  oh well, hopefully the manager was relieved that my egg drop soup was quite delicious and contained no foreign objects...and had quite the story to tell his wife when he got home.

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and tracking back to last weekend... i had the most wonderful opportunity to go to yuma and photograph a couple families.  one of them is a dear friend of mine, that moved from san diego to yuma last year.  the other--a family that owns a farm, making their living selling the produce they farm.  and the farm, my friends, is a total other world for me.  i'm pretty afraid of farm animals, of all shapes and sizes.  but, i didn't get close to the animals and they didn't get too close to me and i had the most amazing time.  it was a blast to shoot another scenery. i had so much fun shooting my friend's family and the O family...with their beloved cows, which will go to the fair to be auctioned off this weekend, to ultimately end up on the winning bidder's dinner table (poor chip).  yep, did i mention that it's a different world.  here's a little peek of the first few photos i've edited.  fun on the farm ;-)

yesterday was surgery

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a mom is not a person who will fall from the sky.a mom is a person you will only get once. live with her, take care of her and love her. she will do the same to you. i love mom. - kiele marston, age 11

yesterday i had a uterine ablation.  it wasn't a long surgery, but was under general anesthesia.  i knew that i'd have cramping after the surgery, but didn't know how bad it would initially be.  and that...along with the nausea and grogginess from the anesthesia basically kicked my ass.  i slept the entire day and night away yesterday, waking up for only a short bit, at 8 PM.  

my dear friend, mary, drove me back and forth, had dinner and flowers for me at the house, and took care of the little ones all night.  i can't thank her enough for her kindness and willingness to help--to go above and beyond.  i don't know what i would have done without her.  thank you a million mary and jason!  i don't know how i can repay you for your goodness...but i will.

and then this morning, i woke up to this letter, from kiele. and i sobbed. i know i say it often, but she is the most amazing, kind, giving child. it's beyond what words can describe. how is one blessed with such a wonderful child? that's often the question i ask myself. she makes me a better person, that's for sure.

and she is why this move has me so stressed out. a lot of my friends say, don't worry. everything will be fine. things will be okay.

but right now, i don't know they'll be fine.  things are different. they're different and tougher when you have a special needs child that you have to advocate and sometimes fight for. and that is what i will do for kiele. if i have to, i will fight until i have no more breath to fight with. i stress about getting her in the right school. about the possibility of the district challenging the services that have been deemed appropriate for the past four years, while in san diego. i stress about her having a difficult time in the classroom b/c she doesn't have the appropriate services and losing the great love and joy she currently has for school. i basically stress about screwing things up for kiele. i am her advocate. i have to make sure she has what is right...what she needs...what is appropriate. that is my job, as her mother.

i hope you enjoy the little bits of goodness that i can share of kiele.  i wish i could share her with the world.  

maybe your still working towards taking great pictures... | post two

in ,

i've had a few things come across in blog comments that i wanted to touch on and then continue a bit on the basics and skill assessment. first, anyone who knows me, knows that i whole heartedly believe that everyone should follow their passion, whatever it might be. if photography and starting a photography business is your passion, go for it...but the business portion does not have to come in three months, six months or even 12 months. and personally, i don't think any aspiring photographer should start the business any sooner than one year. again, this is my personal opinion and i know others opinions will vary (that's okay), but i think that at least one year of shooting, editing, learning, growing, gaining confidence, etc. is essential in providing a good, solid foundation--to then move on to learning how to start and manage a small business.

i also don't want anyone to think that mistakes won't be made. even with mentoring, guidance, etc., you will come to bumps in the road and make mistakes. that's what learning is all about. they'll be times where you'll fall down and that's okay...just get back up and start again. so while mistakes will be made, i think it's best to make most of these mistakes pre-business and there's certain mistakes that can be avoided.

and just know...photography is a roller coaster. oh yes it is! you're an artist. our photographs are our personal work. what we create with our camera is a part of us.  some days we think we're damn good. some days we're *really* damn good. and other days, we're doubting ourselves completely. we all go through it. just keep plugging along because what goes up, will also come back down. hang in there through those days of self doubt.

++++++

so, for this post, i'm going to backtrack a bit.  let's talk about some...

BASICS lighting. understanding lighting is huge, huge, huge! throughout your photography journey, play with lighting as much as possible. there's window light, outdoor light, hard light, soft light, direct light, reflected light, side lighting, front lighting, back lighting. there's quantity of light. there's quality of light. and that's only the beginning. i'm predominantly a natural light photographer but one of the most rockin' workshops i went to was the one light workshop, where we played with the power of artificial light. always keep your mind open, to see, learn and grow. there is so much power in light alone.

i can't stress enough how important it is to learn aperture, SS and ISO...and how they work together. you must fully grasp this step. this book was one of my favorites when i was just starting out. it is a basic book and an easy read, so it was good for me in the beginning.  i would read something and then go practice it. i would read...and re-read...and re-read.

once you have a good grasp on how aperture, SS, and ISO work together and you can consistently get good exposures in the varying lighting conditions, begin... shooting from different angles. shooting using different apertures. try varying distances from your subject. work on getting good exposures in camera. and when you don't, try and figure out why. do you know how to meter? are you consistently getting in focus what you intended to get in focus? do you know how to change your focal points? do you know what makes a well-composed photograph? posing versus not posing--what works best for you? maybe a little of both. really look at and work on recognizing and developing your style. use this pre-business time to experiment and work on your creativity. know that sometimes it's okay to break the rules but do so purposefully. begin to build your portfolio.

in speaking of portfolio building... remember that throughout your journey (and not just PBing), your style will continue to evolve; your portfolio will be very fluid--adding and deleting on a regular basis. try to always stay true to yourself and show photos that are you--that represent your style.  don't show images because it was your best friend's favorite or your client's favorite or because you think it's a correct image to show.  show images that truly show who YOU are as a photographer.  through your portfolio, you want to give your client a complete and honest representation of your style, what you have to offer and what makes you unique.  

also, i have a high-res portfolio folder b/c you never know what size you'll need for web use and having them in one location makes them easy to find. since started my business, i've gone through two websites. my second site used different size file sizes than my first, so i had to go back and find each of my portfolio images, which was a tad painful b/c i had to do a lot of searching.  

remember that all of this takes time and tons of practice. it doesn't happen overnight. there's so much to learn, remember and think about...and we haven't even begun to incorporate managing the small business.

and again, i'm not saying my way is 100% the right way; it is simply the way that i have come to do things over the years.  these are just my thoughts and practices and you can take whatever part(s) of this you choose.  my goal is simply to help others and that is all.  

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i'm off to yuma today to shoot this family and another, along with their pigs, chickens, bunnies, cows, horses, etc. i wish i could bring her with me, to guide me with the animal stuff. should be a very interesting and super fun weekend.

the gift of hearing

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a friend sent me this link this morning and seeing the photos made my heart melt and tears roll down my face. obviously the photos hit home because we've been truly blessed with this gift--this gift of hearing. yes, kiele, my deaf child, hears!! kiele has a cochlear implant, which i refer to as her bionic ear. she hears at the same levels as a normal hearing person, however, she hears differently. and people with cochlear implants (and hearing aids) still have their challenges...especially listening in noise. this is kiele's internal device, which was surgically attached to her skull and then the electrode fed through her cochlea.

this is her external device, which she wears on her ear. the headpiece attaches to the back of her head, with a magnet, allowing the external and internal devices to communicate...to give kiele sound.  

kiele talks almost the same as you and i (you probably wouldn't even know she was deaf, if you didn't see her cochlear implant). she is in a mainstream 6th grade class at one of the most challenging middle schools here in san diego. she's in the gifted program. she's at the top of her class. she touches the hearts of everyone she meets. i get emails from her teachers regularly on what an amazing child she is. and i can't say it enough...how very blessed and grateful we are.

what i love about the TIME photographs is that you can truly see the joy on so many of the children's faces, as they are fitted with their hearing aids...as they are able to hear, many of them probably for the first time.

yesterday, i got to watch the opposite. the audiologist did some testing on kiele, where they test kiele's hearing in noise, in the sound booth (listening to spoken sentences, with noise in the background). they did the testing using a noise level that was equivalent to the noise level in a standard classroom. kiele did terrible, which was expected and is normal for a hearing impaired child with hearing aids and/or a cochlear implant. this is why DHH kids have to have services like an FM in the classroom. but what i didn't anticipate is how much not hearing would affect kiele. as she tried to listen and repeat the sentences or any word, for that matter, the anguish was displayed all over her face. many times, it looked like she was going to cry. the audiologist had to stop the testing a couple times to let kiele know she was doing great and that the test was supposed to be hard. all of this was done to show how difficult it is in the classroom, if kiele does not have the appropriate DHH services (teacher's FM, pass-around, realtime transcription, etc.).

this is a sample of how kiele hears...what the sounds are like with a cochlear implant.  i always describe it as it kind of sounds darth vader-ish.  kiele has 16 channels but i think the last two channels are turned off because they weren't doing anything.  it really is amazing!!

so with all that said...i'm totally PMSing, which equates to extra emotional...and totally crying as i type this. i just think how blessed we are to live in a time when kiele can have this opportunity to hear. and how grateful i am to have met the people we have along this journey--people who have believed in kiele and believed in her potential. kiele wouldn't be where she is today without them...that's for sure. you know who you are. and i thank you from the bottom of my heart. you will always be a special part of our lives...but you already know that!

photo of kiele is from the other day, when we were playing at the park. we are so blessed!

so you love taking pictures... | post one

in

with each step you take, you will grow stronger and stronger, more and more skilled, more and more self-confident and more and more successful.- mark victor hansen

so you love taking pictures, you take great pictures and you're thinking about starting a photography business?  well i have some things to share with you. :-)

i've been talking to my friends for a long time about doing a post like this, as i feel that it's one thing that's not readily available in our industry. there's a ton of workshops on editing, inspiration, etc. but i don't feel that a lot is discussed regarding what is necessary in getting prepared for and taking the steps of starting a photography business.

in starting a photography business, or any small business for that matter, it's so easy to get in over your head, especially when not doing things right. what do i mean? well, loving to take pictures and taking great pictures does not make a successful photography business. and starting a business takes lots of preparation, dedication, knowledge and hard work.

by no means am i saying i've done everything right or that i have all the answers. i'm also not saying my way is the exact way you should do things; however, i am saying there are certain things you should at least investigate and think about, when considering starting a photography business. trust me...i've made plenty of mistakes along the way. and i don't want you to make the same mistakes i did.

so if you take great pictures and you're contemplating starting a photography business, here's some things to think about and get prepared for with the launch of your business.

after getting started writing this, i realized i had much more to share than i originally thought so...i will be breaking this up into a series of posts. today, i'll be talking a bit about personal skill assessment and later move on to such things as equipment, small business preparation, packaging, etc. if, after reading, you have any questions along the way, feel free to ask. in the end, i hope this will get to and help some aspiring photographers out there.

PERSONAL SKILL ASSESSMENT do  you fully understand your camera? do you understand and can you shoot in various lighting conditions? do you understand what the varying lighting conditions can do to and for your subject? do you completely understand individually and the relationship between shutter speed, aperture and ISO? do you consistently get things right in camera versus trying to fix things later, while editing, e.g. exposure, highlights, focus (are you technically proficient)? do you understand about composition and what makes a well composed photograph? have you invested in the appropriate editing software? do you understand editing basics (and not just actions!!) and what they can do for your image, i.e. levels, curves, etc? have you had someone else (i.e. a professional photographer) evaluate your photographs and potential portfolio images? do you have a mentor? have you considered going on a shoot with a professional photographer (can't hurt to ask)? have you begun networking with other photographers in your area? have you ever printed your own photographs? are you using a professional print lab? is your monitor calibrated? have you thought about who and what inspires you, in life...and photography? have you thought about your style (do you even have a style)?

photography skills are only the beginning. please, please, please...don't feel like you need run out and start your photography business right away. take the time to really learn your equipment and master taking great photographs right out of camera. and when you are ready to take that next step of starting a photography business, make sure you do it right and in it's entirety. remember that once you start your business, that's exactly what it is--a small business. it's no longer just the love of taking great photographs; it's also appropriately managing a small business, in order to make that business a successful one.

personally, looking back, i jumped into the business too fast. even though i thought i was ready, i wasn't nearly as knowledgeable or prepared as i should have been. there were so many things that i didn't know and had to end up learning the hard way, along the way (some lessons tougher than others)...and i don't want you to make the same mistake(s) i did.

i share this photo with you because it was one of my first clients, back in summer 2006. light was low and i ended up using artificial lighting. what? not that artificial light is bad at all, but...i really had no clue what i was doing with that alien bee at the time. i basically got lucky. really lucky...that's all. i should never have gotten that light out in the first place because a) i didn't really know how to use it correctly and b) i should have known how to make the existing light work.

and as the quote above says, remember... you will grow stronger you will get more skilled and you will get more confident. it just all takes time a ton of practice and lots of patience.

remembering juntara

in

i've followed maggie doyne's blog for a while now and today, i sit here with tears strolling down my face, as i read maggie's words to juntara.

sep 24, 1999 - mar 4, 2009

photo by anastasia taylor-lind

what an amazing child.  and you can see the love that maggie and juntara had for one another here.

i wish i could tell the world about maggie.  the least i can do is share maggie's blog with all who will listen or read. hopefully others will do the same (and share) because it deserves to be read. her goodness...her giving...her soul...is beyond words.  i hope to someday, somehow meet this incredible woman.  maggie, and all that she is doing in this world, is what inspiration is all about!

success

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success means having the courage, the determination, and the will to become the person you believe you were meant to be.- george sheehan

as photographers, we are artists. our photographs are the art, which we create. but when is a photographer successful? is it when one makes enough money? whatever enough might be. or when one books enough clients? when one sells enough fine art prints? or maybe success is when one gets published or has a gallery display? that is what a friend and i were talking about the other day.

for me, when it really comes down to it...success is knowing i've done things like this for families.

or getting told by a client,

we're so sad that you're moving...we want you to be our family historian.

that is success! that is what doing this is all about. sure...the money, lots of clients, getting published, having a gallery showing...that's all nice. but there is nothing more rewarding than knowing that you've done your job and your photographs have touched your clients' hearts.

and therefore, i can honestly say... i am a successful photographer.

thank you to all my clients who, over the past 2 1/2 years, have trusted me to capture their children and families. it truly has been my pleasure. i am a better person because of the job i do and the people i have met along this journey. and i can't wait to see what the future holds.

where'er you are

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stay the course, light a star,change the world where'er you are. - richard le gallienne

first, it looks as if we will be moving to KS (probably the beginning of june).  the detailer said that he is changing steve's orders and will officially release once the exceptional family member (EFM) stuff is straightened out.  i submitted the EFM paperwork last week, to the san diego EFM coordinator, who in turn submits it to the main EFM coordinating folks in millington, TN.

you should know something in about 6-8 weeks, the coordinator said, as he was handing me my copies of the paperwork. 

what?!  6-8 weeks?  steve has orders waiting and his school start date is 1 july.  is there any way they can expedite the process, since orders are on hold?

yea, i can do that.  so you should hear something in 4-6 weeks.  that's the expedited time.

UGH! so, i'm hoping to know something for sure in 4 weeks.  the coordinator said that most detailers will go ahead and release the orders when the system says processing but i'm not so sure since kiele is rated a category 5 (limiting us to only san diego, DC and norfolk, VA).  my fear is that kiele gets EFM 5 again and then what? for the moment, more waiting.

++++++

if you haven't already noticed, max's parents continue their journey--their fight--against neuroblastoma. and they keep up max's blog.  i noticed today that their huge fundraising event, maxapalooza, is tentatively scheduled for september 26th.  

so i had an idea.

my plan is to come back to san diego, for four or five days every fall and if enough interest, i will come back in the spring too...shooting 8-10 sessions while i'm here. i've already had a number of inquiries for a fall session and have started a waiting list.  if you know you definitely want a fall session, please email me.  sessions will be on a first come, first serve basis.

maybe, just maybe...i can coordinate my return with maxapalooza.  i so want to attend and photograph this incredible fundraising event they are planning.  

also, andy and melis are looking for some volunteer help for the event:

  • a web producer
  • t-shirt / apparel designer(s)
  • facebook / social media guru
  • event coordinator / manager

if you know anyone that might be of assistance, please refer them to max's blog and/or just have them email max's dad, andy, at amikulak@yahoo.com.

i close with a photo of max, from the first time i shot him weekly for mashed potatoes for breakfast. this was san diego's children's hospital celebration of champions. even though max lost his battle to cancer, he was and always will be one of the most amazing champions i've ever met. this year, andy and melis will again attend this event, but instead of watching their child run the race, they (along with hundreds of other parents) will release a balloon in their child's memory.

a story and a message

in ,

once upon a time, there was this girl. she was a nurse in the air force, forced to get annual physicals and take care of herself. then in 2002, she got married to a navy guy, pregnant and wanted to try and get her oldest a cochlear implant, so she decided to try and get out of the air force. in march 2003, 8 months pregnant...she did. and moved to WA, where her husband had been since oct 2002. in june 2004, she had her baby. in sep 2004, her oldest got a cochlear implant and the girl travelled two-hours one-way, to seattle, for cochlear implant appointments.  nine months after baby number two was born, to her and her husband's surprise, she was pregnant again. her husband deployed when the girl was three months pregnant, leaving her alone with two kids for the next six months. her husband came home a week before baby number three was born. and then they moved to california one month later (jan 2005). with a one month old, a 19 month old and a seven year old, they moved into a house that should have been condemned. in march 2005, they moved down the street, while their house was repaired. july 2005, they moved back in. oct 2005, they had an attic full of rats, maggots that dripped out of the ceiling vents and caught 200 files in two hours. in dec 2006, they moved again, this time to the house they currently reside in. in jan 2006, the girl began to pursue her dream...photography. in june 2006, a photography business was launched. time for self became minimal to none and continued that way for 2 1/2 years. in oct 2008, the girl's husband deployed again, for seven months. but things were different. the girl decided that she needed to begin taking care of herself. it started with running and trying to get into shape. the girl was never really overweight but that wasn't the point; she was grossly out of shape. soon, the girl realized that working out was not only good for the body, it was good for the mind...good for the soul. but the girl also knew that the 'taking care of herself' was more than just working out...she needed a physical, a pap, a mammogram, etc. but she didn't like her current doctor. and couldn't find anyone with her same insurance that was happy with their doctor. there was an option though...to change insurance plans and pay a co-pay, with a max of $1000 out-of-pocket per year. was she okay with that? yep. she decided to make the switch. did some talking, found some good doctors and began making appointments. first was internal medicine. then cardiology follow-up because of a history of a cardiac ablation in 2002. GYN because of terrible periods. dermatology for a skin condition. appointments for all the things she's been complaining about for years. a mammogram. chest x-ray. EKG. 24-hour holter monitor. labwork. ultrasound.  biopsy. and the list goes on. it was all a bit overwhelming at first, with at least three or so appointments per week...but damn, it felt good to get things taken care of. oh but...the girl so feared her mammogram because of all she heard was...

it hurts. they squish your boob so hard. it's so painful.

you know what? it was no big deal!! it didn't hurt. nope, not one bit. sure they squished her boob, but it was just fine. and lasted what...five...ten minutes, max. the girl also found out that they now recommend women to have their first mammogram sometime between age 35 and 40 (it used to be 40). having almost all of her appointment out of the way, the girl now swears that she's going to make those annual appointments...as she's supposed to do.

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i share this with you--busy wives, homemakers, mothers, working women--because it's so easy to forget or put off taking care of yourself. first, my excuse was having babies and raising babies.  then it was my photography business.  well there's really no excuse!  it's so important that we take care of ourselves.  for ourselves. for our families. i have friends my age and younger, dealing with chronic disease and battling cancer. we're not too young.  we're not immune.  go make those appointments that you've been putting off because you're too busy. and damn it, don't be afraid of those tests that we only seem to hear the negative about. it just might not be that bad at all.

my heart is perfect. my cholesterol is high but ratio is good (no medicine...it's been this way since i was 24). i'm anemic. pap is done. had an endometrial biopsy (not that bad either). will probably have a uterine ablation before i leave san diego. skin condition is resolved b/c of appropriate medicine (i unsuccessfully tried to manage this myself for three years and actually made it worse). mammogram and chest xray were done today. i still need a wrist follow-up b/c of 2006 surgery for TFCC tear (my wrist kills daily). i am healthy. i feel good!

i leave you with another sky drawing, because it melts my heart--sky and her daddy. they're so excited to see him. 47 days to go...said with a smile and tears of excitement and anticipation :-)

me

in

...through the eyes of my children.

me. and my camera. drawn by my middle child. skyler. age 5.

how i love it so.

i did the following interviews for a facebook thing that was going around. the kids' answers so cracked me up and will forever be treasured. i'm planning on doing the same questions for the kids to answer about steve...the interviews will be great for our this year's family book.

KID INTERVIEW ONE : the eleven year old

1. How would you describe me? Nice mother most of the time. And you’re sweet and caring. And you like to spend a lot of time on the computer working on your work.

2. What makes me happy? When the kids and I are good.

3. What makes me sad? When Steve leaves and yea, I think that’s it.

4. What is something I always say to you? Hmmm. I don’t know. I don’t really pay attention to that.

5. What makes me laugh? When Skyler, Ryder and I are being silly and Steve is being silly...that makes you happy.

6. How old am I? 48

7. How tall am I? I say like 5 ½ feet.

8. What is my favorite thing to do? Work on the computer and...to be relaxed with the family.

9. What do you think I do when you're not around? Work on the computer and relax around the house and do your own kind of thing. Whatever you want to do. Yea. Oh...and talk on the phone.

10. If I became famous one day, what do you think it would be for? Well...um...It would be for your great work in photography b/c you’re really good at it. And b/c you’re caring. And you take care of things so they are done on time. And you’re organized.

11. What am I really good at? Typing on the computer, talking on the phone, and your photography work and taking care of the kids and I.

12. What am I not so good at? You’re not good at liking animals.

13. What is my job? Being a photographer, taking care of the kids and I and taking care of the house.

14. What is my favorite food? Ummmm. Stuff that Steve cooks?

15. What do I do that makes you proud? You’re a great mother and you take care of us really good and you’re a great photographer.

16. If I were a cartoon character, who would I be? Why? You would be...Cinderella. Umm...b/c you like do a lot of work. And ummm...like...ummm...and then you look like Cinderella and if you became sad and your Godmother came, you would ask to go to the ball.

17. What do you love to do with me? Have fun with you and ummm...go to places with you, where we can have fun.

18. How are you and I the same? We both look the same and we love Lucky Brand and...ummm...and...ummm...we both take care of the kids. We both have a bad sense of humor. Yea, I think that’s it.

19. How are you and I different? I like animals—you don’t. You are really good at math and I am not. And...I like traveling a ton and you don’t travel as much.

20. How do you know I love you? Because you’re kind and caring and you take great care of me and make sure I get a great education. And you take care of Charley when I’m gone. Wait...that doesn’t mean you love me. Forget that part.

21. What do you think I like most about Stevie? He’s a great step-Dad and Dad. He’s really good at making furniture. He’s really caring. He makes great dinners.

22. Where is my favorite place to go? That would be...hmmmm...what is this anyway. Your favorite place to go is...some store. Clothes stores, yea. And to go someplace with the family and be together.

23. What’s your favorite thing about me? That you’re a great Mom. You do clean the house. You take care of Charley even though you don’t really like him. What is the question again? And you’re a great Mom. And you’re a great photographer even though you can be frustrating. And...ummmm...you take good care of the kids and I. Yea.

24. If you could change one thing about me, what would you change? Ummmm...I would change...I would make you have a good sense of humor.

25. Do you know how much I love you? A lot. A lot. A lot. A lot. Until the million gazillion of numbers end and the super duper far away places end. Yea...that's how much.

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KID INTERVIEW TWO : the five year old

Okay, my turn...Should I sit on your lap or something?

1. How would you describe me? What does describe mean? You like wearing shirts and pants. And ummm...that you love me. And...mmmm...no.

2. What makes me happy? Ummm...when we be nice to each other and place nice.

3. What makes me sad? When we be mean.

4. What is something I always say to you? No.

5. What makes me laugh? When we be funny.

6. How old am I? Ummm...I don’t know. (Can you guess?) No.

7. How tall am I? Big.

8. What is my favorite thing to do? Take us to the park.

9. What do you think I do when you're not around? Take pictures.

10. If I became famous one day, what do you think it would be for? Ummm...umm...I don’t know.

11. What am I really good at? Um...being nice.

12. What am I not so good at? I don’t really know. (There’s nothing that you’re Momma’s not good at?) Yea.

13. What is my job? To make dinner.

14. What is my favorite food? Those sandwiches. Those sandwiches with the crunched up meat inside. I don’t really remember what they’re really called.

15. What do I do that makes you proud? Umm...when you wear dresses because you never wear dresses really.

16. If I were a cartoon character, who would I be? Why? I don’t really know. (You watch lots of cartoons...you must know someone). I can’t really think of someone.

17. What do you love to do with me? Play with you and go to the park.

18. How are you and I the same? Cuz me and you kind of have brown hair.

19. How are you and I different? Only thing I can think of is cuz you like shirts and pants and I like dresses.

20. How do you know I love you? Ummm...cuz sometimes I be good.

21. What do you think I like most about daddy? Ummm...that he’s good.

22. Where is my favorite place to go? PF Changs.

23. What’s your favorite thing about me? That you sometimes take us to the park.

24. If you could change one thing about me, what would you change? Ummm...I don’t know.

25. Do you know how much I love you? A whole, whole, whole lot!

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KID INTERVIEW THREE : the four year old

1. How would you describe me? I don’t know. (Come on...think of something.) You look like momma.

2. What makes me happy? Ummm...If we be good.

3. What makes me sad? If we be bad.

4. What is something I always say to you? I don't know.

5. What makes me laugh? When we tickle you.

6. How old am I? I don’t know.

7. How tall am I? Six feet.

8. What is my favorite thing to do? Be happy.

9. What do you think I do when you're not around? I don’t know.

10. If I became famous one day, what do you think it would be for? Because you will have a dress on.

11. What am I really good at? Getting jammies.

12. What am I not so good at? Doing nothing.

13. What is my job? To stay home.

14. What is my favorite food? Healthy food.

15. What do I do that makes you proud? You’re my mommy.

16. If I was a cartoon character, who would I be? Why? Nobody. Somebody, who I don’t know.

17. What do you love to do with me? Go to the park.

18. How are you and I the same? Cuz God made us the same.

19. How are you and I different? Because God makes us different.

20. How do you know I love you? Cuz I wuv you.

21. What do you think I like most about daddy? I don’t know.

22. Where is my favorite place to go? To dinner.

23. What’s your favorite thing about me? Cuz I wuv you.

24. If you could change one thing about me, what would you change? I don’t know.

25. Do you know how much I love you? Shakes his head no. Can I be done now? (I guess I’m going to have to work on this one.)

art, art...i want you

in , ,

if i write them and then recite them, are they worth being heard?just because i like them... does anybody care? do i dare? i ought to. inspired? my stories. how can i tell? art manifesto... great ideas come from great bike rides. pass it on. art will take you places. plant seeds. a broken heart can make great art. experiment. don't care too much. - as seen in the drawings of andrea dorfman, in the music video for tanya davis' song Art

got this link from a friend's blog. so awesome. see for yourself. watch it here.

i'm so grateful, so blessed to be doing what i love. yes... art can take you places. places beyond your wildest dreams. 

++++++

on another note. assignment stuff is complicated. still waiting for medical and educational paperwork (mess) to be completed and then i have to patiently wait for it all to go through the appropriate military channels. once that happens, kiele (and in turn, steve) will get put into an Exceptional Family Member (EFM) category. when we were at whidbey, kiele got categorized as EFM 5, which got us to san diego and put us on homestead status (limiting us to norfolk, DC and here). i have no idea what category kiele will end up being now. i'm hoping for 3 or 4--3 means no overseas; 4 means no overseas and near major medical center / major city. if kiele ends up being EFM 5 again, which i fear, i'm not sure what that will mean for us. i worry about the EFM coordinators getting jilted by the fact that kiele needs to see a cochlear implant audiologist monthly. i just don't know what will come of it all...will steve be able to keep his assignment to war college? if he does, will we be able to accompany him? or maybe steve's assignment will totally change? i. just. don't. know. sigh!

for now, we have to just keep plugging along... steve is going to call the detailer tomorrow to discuss changing his assignment to KS, which they discussed as a possibility last week. after lots of research, we decided that KS has much better options for kiele's DHH educational needs. if steve does get the KS assignment (and we can go), we'll move much earlier than anticipated b/c steve's school start date will be 1 july.

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i've also been keeping really busy the past couple weeks with sessions and donated work. just today, i finished another book, the portrait book--this time for warren-walker's school auction. :-)

...and life takes a turn

in ,

do the best you can,where you are, with what you have now. - african-american proverb

my friend, teddy, at military spouse magazine, always checks on me, when i haven't blogged in a while.  today was that day.  and while everything is fine...life has taken a slight turn and suddenly the busy got even busier.  there's been a glitch with steve's orders (too complicated to explain here), but rhode island is on hold and might possibly change to kansas.  i have to complete and submit a hefty amount of paperwork regarding kiele's educational and medical needs and then we will see. for the moment...we wait and wonder.  i'm hoping to know something within the next couple weeks. but to be honest, while i've now begun in-depth research regarding schools in kansas (and missouri), i'm not holding my breath for RI or KS because it could end up being somewhere totally different.  it's all very time consuming but i try to not let myself get frustrated.  i'm a true believer that everything happens for a reason, even if that reason is not immediately evident.  i need to just roll with it all.  and that, my friends, is what i'm trying to do.  keep up.  and roll.

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i also want to share my most wonderful husband--and his NBC military morning salute interview. as i watch it, i think how crazy it is that he's been gone five months. how much i miss him. and...how handsome he is!! (yes, he was a bit nervous too ;-) )

something that one of my good friends pointed out (she was born in dubai) is that steve is sitting in front of an iraqi flag that says "God is great". i thought that was very interesting. a US naval officer not sitting in front of a US flag...but an iraqi flag.

what started out as a simple photo and blurb submission to NBC news turned into this awesome video. if you're military and you have a photo or video to share, do so here. they're always looking for more stories.

a winter deployment

in ,

At the beginning of this deployment, I felt like time had frozen into a sludgy drip...like molasses on a cold winter morning. It felt like time had stopped, the deployment hadn't even begun, and that I'd sit perched on the edge of this separation forever. The first two months went just like that...dripping thickly and slowly. Then the next two months felt like I was stuck neither here nor there. It wasn't the beginning, but it certainly wasn't the end. Sort of like standing in a snowstorm....you can see a little behind you and a little in front, but neither the starting point nor the ending point is in site. It feels a little discombobulating. I wanted so bad to see the end, but I knew there was so much farther to go, so as a defensive mechanism, I just wouldn't look. I'd stay focused on the immediate time and space around me and pretend it was all I was ever going to know. Another month passed and I think I heard the icicles start to drip and trickle...getting my attention and making me wonder if this period in my life that was frozen was going to thaw and time would finally begin to move forward again. Would my husband come home on a blast of warm spring breezes? Was winter going to finally go away? And now, here I sit, in the last two months of the long, cold deployment. Autumn's leaves are still strewn around in patches in the corners of my yard. Once in a while, a tempermental breeze will blow a puff of warm spring air past my porch. And the squirrels are venturing sluggishly out of their hollowed logs. Is it really here? Is winter going to go away finally. Is my husband going to really come home? Can I really say, "I'll see you next month?" Like molasses that hasn't quite come to room temp, I am hesitant to say it...hesitant to get my hopes up that this deployment is going to end. I am aware, though, that as the end comes closer, time will get faster and faster, and ultimately I will be completely caught off guard when that ship pulls in on a warm spring day.- rashel fitchett

rashel fitchett was my neighbor, when we were stationed in whidbey island, WA. we still keep in touch through facebook, which is where i read her winter deployment writings.

rashel's words are so real and so beautifully written. it is exactly how i feel...

in the beginning of the deployment, it feels like you'll never get to the end. each day ever-so-slowly passing. the kids not yet realizing what really is happening. then the middle months...you're numb. doing what you have to do to get through each day...b/c there is no choice. the end still nowhere in site. and now, here i sit with two months to go. i can see the end now. i can almost touch it. i find myself often thinking...and dreaming of this end, when steve is here, by my side once again. lately, i've been teary. but these tears aren't tears of sadness; they are tears of happiness. and hope. tears b/c the end is closer now. and i can see it. i can say, with two months to go...finally, the end is near.

++++++

also, i'm so excited to share that steve is going to be interviewed this tuesday, on san diego's NBC news, at 8:15 AM. for their morning salute segment. about a month ago, i had submitted a photo and a little blurb for the segment and things snowballed from there. they will be interviewing steve, from iraq, while sharing some photos, from EODMU ONE's past five months in iraq. also, i just noticed that they have a photo of the kids and i posted here. i didn't realize this until just now. :-)

inspiration

in ,

far away in the sunshine are my highest aspirations. i may not reach them, but i can look up and see the beauty, believe in them, and try to follow where they lead.- louisa may alcott

today, i want to share and blog about someone i consider not only my mentor, but also a really great friend.  cheryl jacobs-nicolai.  cheryl is a brilliant film photographer, who i so admire and respect.

i met cheryl a few years ago, at one of her workshops, when i first started photography and it was b/c of her, that i had my aha moment.  it was cheryl's inspiration and words that helped me get the confidence in  myself and move my work and my business forward.  her work moves me beyond words.  no matter what cheryl shoots (children, adults, local tavern regulars, equestriennes...whomever), she captures the soul of the person in her photograph better than anyone i have seen. 

if you've never seen cheryl's work, please take a few minutes to check our her website. i promise...it will be so worth your time and you'll keep coming back again and again.

i can honestly say that i love everything cheryl produces but here are a few of my favorites:

and a couple she took of my kids and i, when she was visiting last year

lastly, i may have shared these words of cheryl's once before, but i don't think a photographer can ever read this enough...

Style Is Not a Voice

- Style is a voice, not a prop or an action. If you can buy it, borrow it, download it, or steal it, it is not a style. Don't look outward for your style; look inward.

- Know your stuff. Luck is a nice thing, but a terrifying thing to rely on. It's like money; you only have it when you don't need it.

- Never apologize for your own sense of beauty. Nobody can tell you what you should love. Do what you do brazenly and unapologetically. You cannot build your sense of aesthetics on a consensus.

- Say no. Say it often. It may be difficult, but you owe it to yourself and your clients. Turn down jobs that don't fit you, say no to overbooking yourself. You are no good to anyone when you're stressed and anxious.

- Learn to say "I'm a photographer" out loud with a straight face. If you can't say it and believe it, you can't expect anyone else to, either.

- You cannot specialize in everything.

- Know your style before you hang out your shingle. If you don't, your clients will dictate your style to you. That makes you nothing more than a picture taker. Changing your style later will force you to start all over again, and that's tough.

- Accept critique, but don't apply it blindly. Just because someone said it does not make it so. Critiques are opinions, nothing more. Consider the advice, consider the perspective of the advice giver, consider your style and what you want to convey in your work. Implement only what makes sense to implement. That doesn't not make you ungrateful, it makes you independent.

- Leave room for yourself to grow and evolve. It may seem like a good idea to call your business "Precious Chubby Tootsies"....but what happens when you decide you love to photograph seniors? Or boudoir?

- Remember that if your work looks like everyone else's, there's no reason for a client to book you instead of someone else. Unless you're cheaper. And nobody wants to be known as "the cheaper photographer".

- Gimmicks and merchandise will come and go, but honest photography is never outdated.

- It's easier to focus on buying that next piece of equipment than it is to accept that you should be able to create great work with what you've got. Buying stuff is a convenient and expensive distraction. Spend money on equipment ONLY when you've outgrown your current equipment and you're being limited by it.

- Learn that people photography is about people, not about photography. Great portraits are a side effect of a strong human connection.

- Never forget why you started taking pictures in the first place. Excellent technique is a great tool, but a terrible end product. The best thing your technique can do is not call attention to itself.

- Never compare your journey with someone else's. It's a marathon with no finish line. Someone else may start out faster than you, may seem to progress more quickly than you, but every runner has his own pace. Your journey is your journey, not a competition. You will never "arrive". No one ever does.

- Embrace frustration. It pushes you to learn and grow, broadens your horizons, and lights a fire under you when your work has gone cold. Nothing is more dangerous to an artist than complacence.

++++++

thanks cheryl--

for being you.  for being honest.  for being real.  for inspiring.  thank you for all you do and all  you offer to others.  i hope to see you soon.  looking forward to hanging out and shooting some film ;-)

i miss him so.

in , ,

the reason it hurts so much to separate is because our souls are connected.- nicholas sparks

i truly believe that steve and i were meant to be.  while we are quite the opposites in some departments, he complements me and completes me. he makes me a better person. he makes my life complete. and as i often share, he's just an amazing person and the most wonderful daddy.  pretty darn handsome too. ;-)

and today, we got to skype with steve. it had been a long time since we last skyped b/c the connection hasn't been so good. it was so wonderful to see him. it was so emotional to see him. i had to fight back the tears quite a few times, especially when i sat back and just watched the kids talk to their daddy.

it's been 4 1/2 months, since steve left, and on march 6th, we'll have *only* two months to go. it's funny when you can say only two months. normally having your husband gone for two months would be a long time, but we're at the point where two months seems rather short and is pretty darn exciting. aye...the things that become normal for us military families.

++++++

the above quote is from "the notebook". i watched it last week and sobbed like a baby. i don't think i've ever cried during a movie as much as i did with "the notebook".  of course, being apart from my husband for so long didn't help.  but truly...a wonderful movie. a wonderful love story. if you haven't seen it, rent it! but have many tissues nearby.

now off to mow the lawn and then straighten up the house. the car could use a bath too but that will have to wait for another day. dinner with max's family tonight...i can't wait to see them.

making the most...of me

in , , ,

make the most of yourself,for that is all there is of you. - ralph waldo emerson

some days i think i have everything all figured out. how i can... do it all. balance it all. keep it all together. and do it well.

then there's the other days, where i'm fussing at my kids, at the computer way too much, have laundry overflowing, the house is a mess and i'm not doing anything very well at all.

and then... then... there's day when PMS hits and i'm on the verge of tears thinking about how i'm not doing one damn thing well at all. my head is in a fog as i try to balance it all and realize that the only thing for sure is that everything is off balance.

will i really be able to keep up with all this? with all i need and long to do? how?

then i deservedly firmly kick myself...

you can do this. you've done it before. you're overwhelmed at the moment but everything will be okay in the end. you're not superwoman. you are NOT superwoman.

at the end of the day today, i remind myself that it's okay to have bad days. and it's okay to cry.

tomorrow... i will do what i need to do most...spend time with my kids. we will go get slurpees. i will take them to the park. the two things they enjoy the most. i won't sit and read my magazines at the park. i will run. i will play. i won't think about all the stuff that lingers to be done. i will have fun and embrace what truly is most important and...how very blessed i am.