it's definitely true

life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are.- bernice johnson reagon yes it's true...we are moving to kansas. together. as a family. complete. whole.  all five of us.  i swear this time.  there's no turning back.  or even looking back.

we'll be leaving san diego around june 18th and arriving in kansas the end of june, making a few stops here and there along the way (providing our carsick dog can tolerate it).

this whole journey has been interesting and i have to say that the support and encouragement from friends...and strangers (via blog comments and emails) has had a huge impact on me. huge! it has helped me see. and feel. and believe.  and i thank you from the bottom of my heart.

++++++

i haven't shot much lately. no...i haven't shot at all. a bit paralyzed by life's present chaos.   but i'm thankful.  thankful because most of the time, this paralysis fronts itself as a numbing sensation, rather than a true paralysis. but at times, the paralysis does become so severe, it wakes me at night--unable to breathe or swallow.  while only lasting a couple seconds, when it consumes my body, the seconds seem more like minutes.  and then...the paralysis weens and the numbing resumes.

but this weekend, we are celebrating two birthdays--kiele turning 12 (sleepover party on saturday) and skyler turning 6 (princess party at a salon on sunday)--and i will shoot. i also have a special (girl) date this wednesday and we are going to play....we're going to play with film. and i'm going to shoot something i've had in mind for the beach series. i'm excited to chat. to breathe. to share. to dream. to play.

so here's to breaking this feeling of paralysis, believing in myself and wishing for a helluva adventure in kansas.

dream a dream. wish a wish. set it free. trust your heart. just believe.

just do something!

...like vote for maggie doyne, one of the five DO SOMETHING AWARDS finalists.

i came across maggie doyne's blog quite a while ago and have posted about her quite a few times now. i've never met her...or even talked to her. but she inspires me to be greater, do greater and believe in myself and my dreams.

and so now...i hope that i can inspire you to go vote for this amazing young girl, who is doing her part to change the world. and if you don't, at least go check out her blog because, after reading the amazing things she has accomplished in her short twenty-two years (that all started with her saved $5000 of babysitting money), you will probably change your mind and go vote. 

so just do it... go vote.  

go here. click on vote now. find maggie's video (4th one).  and click on the thumbs up.  you can vote every day, from now until june 4th.  and then...tell others to vote. please! :-)

we need more maggie doyne's in this world.  and at a minimum, we need to spread the word about what this amazing young woman has accomplished and continues to do.

GO MAGGIE!

sometimes i really wish i was a superhero

we can't really relate to a superhero, but we can all identify with the person, who in times of crisis, draws forth some extraordinary quality from within himself and triumphs, but only after a struggle.- adapted from timothy dalton

yesterday, i confirmed to steve that we [the kids and i] were staying here in san diego, while he attended CGSC in KS.  and while not saying much, he nodded with agreement.  this morning, i awoke to a few more blog comments and by 6:30 AM, confirmed that we should go with him to KS and i will make things work for kiele.  i feverishly and passionately completely switched gears and contacted the leavenworth school district, forwarded kiele's IEP, researched houses for sale in KS and ended up in contact with the KS deaf itinerant teacher, who is supposed to be calling kiele's CA deaf itinerant teacher today.  it all seemed to happen in an instant.  without my thinking.  in a blur.

it just happened. just. like. that.

and now, the only thing that is certain is that my husband must think i'm nuts and beyond frustrated with me and my confirmed wishy-washiness.  i've pretty much been in tears every day.  a lump in my throat.  completely sick to my stomach.  this decision sucks.  moving for one year isn't easy for a 7th grader period.  moving for a year is that much more challenging, with a 7th grader with special needs.  i say that and then simultaneously remind myself that i've NEVER made excuses for kiele and her disability...and have always taught her that she is just like everyone else and anything and everything is possible for her.  and well, i guess that should include a one-year move to KS, right?!  damn it...if it were only that easy.  but maybe it is. this, my friends, is what i battle with minute-by-minute, day-by-day.

and then this afternoon, i went to my google reader and read this, by boho girl (one of my favorite blogs)--

Yesterday I walked around quietly and in mindfulness that all of the hard work. All the pain. All of the weeping. All of the tear soaked pillows. All of the confusion. The unanswered questions. The fear. The longing. The aching of a wounded heart. All of it has purpose in my life now. The idea that our pain, our trials are present in our life not only to help mold us into our most beautiful and true selves but to help others do the same, is humbling me to the core.

Sometimes in our pain or in our stories, we feel so isolated and alone. But our stories aren't just about us. Our stories are happening for others to learn from, love from, grow from and with this knowledge, it gives us more purpose. And with this purpose, we have more reason to keep going.

I'm going to keep it simple today and just say that...because that is enough to move mountains in our lives. In my life. Truly.

Today I marinate in the serenade of life purpose.

++++++

maybe this is exactly the path i'm supposed to be on--the path i'm meant to pave. could it be that my journey is to open doors in other states for DHH children? am i just scared to knock those doors down and follow that rocky path? am i just preferring to continue down the path that has become comfortable versus taking the rocky road i'm truly meant to be on?

and i do believe that this story goes beyond me, which is why i continue to share, through my own personal struggles and frustrations.  i know that there's others (military families, families with special needs children and who knows who else) that can benefit from these struggles.  and frankly, while i like to sometimes think that i'm supermom and can do it all...i'm not and i can't.  i'm just me...trying to get through life and be the best i can be.

no matter what happens, i promise you this...i will stay strong and i will keep going.  whether in CA or KS, i will draw from within, use my own personal superhero(ish) qualities and be triumphant in the end. i promise you...i will!

thanks boho girl... i thank you for saying exactly what i've been thinking...and trying to say myself (even though our stories are so very different).   love you. let us marinate!

happy thoughts

inspired by the uber-cool blog, the rockstar diaries, i decided to post a few of my favorite things.  and considering the slightly bumpy journey we're currently on, i need to be visiting to those places that make me uber-happy as much as i can. so...without further ado, here are my 10 favorite things:

1. thinking about the days when i will sail away with my family, for a year--traveling the americas, free from everything that holds us down, everything that holds us back. 2. shooting my polaroid camera 3. the fabulous drawings and letters made and given to me by my kids 4. thinking about how wonderful my husband is, how much he loves me and what an incredible father he is to our children (one of them not even his) 5. music 6. a handwritten anything 7. giving back, which not only makes me happy but feeds my soul 8. true, real, passionate love 9. the thought that i have inspired someone 10. having our family together and complete!!

when times are tough, it's especially important to do, visit, remember, dream of the things that make us the happiest (even if i don't look so happy in the picture below :-) ).  looking forward to hearing about your favorite things.

 

getting ready

Getting ready to go to the airport for our flight to San Diego.All is on schedule but if there are any changes/delays, I will try to get you an email with the change.

Love you! Steve

getting ready. getting close. so, so close. patiently waiting. for tomorrow to come. when we are whole again and... happy little campers :-)

p.s. thanks leah for the most wonderful family photos that i keep referring to time and time again. i cherish them so. and hope you will love yours as much as i love mine...come this june. xo!

give ten

life is a gift...and it offers us the privilege, opportunity, and responsibility to give something back by becoming more. - anthony robbins

more on giving. i guess i can never really blog too much on giving...right?! well just so happens that one of my very best friends started a giving project--the give ten project. and i'm hoping that everyone will participate. not just photographers. everyone. in some way. give ten. ten percent of your time and profits to charitable work and causes.

some giving i've done this year that has fed my soul--

max's family. i will forever be committed to photographing and helping max's family in any way i can. recently i photographed their family and am hoping to return to san diego the end of september to photograph their maxapalooza fundraising event.  hannah is holding max's shark, who since max's passing, will be in all their family photos.

team kirsten. you can read more about kirsten and her family and see some of her photos on this blog post.

team sam.  my giving actually started with sam, when he and kiele were at the same school together. his family is such an incredible family, determined to find a cure to save their little boy's life.  i've now photographed sam and family a few times, both for their personal use and for their magic water foundation.  

st paul's school auction. i made this book, 52 glimpses of heaven, to raise money for the preschool class.

warren-walker school auction. i actually worked with two warren-walker classes this year. i photographed the first grade kids and auctioned off 5x7 framed prints of each child. and photographed and made a book for the 2nd grade class.

deployed EOD families. a few months ago, i donated mini-sessions to six EOD families, who had a deployed spouse...and gave them 5x7 prints of all their photographs to send to the deployed active duty member and an 8x10 for their wall.

mentoring session. i recently donated a mentoring session to an up-and-coming photographer.

the howard family. nicole's husband deployed when she was 36 weeks pregnant. i donated a maternity and newborn session to nicole and her family, giving them 5x7 prints of all their photographs. dad was able to be here for newborn photos because he was able to come home for a couple of weeks because baby got sick and was in the NICU for a little while.

there's so many ways we can give. i truly believe that where there's a will, there's a way. we all have our unique gifts that we can share with others...that we can give to others.

a future giving project that i'm super excited about... after steve retires (nine more years), we plan to live on a sailboat and travel the americas. i'm excited about the adventure. excited to be free of the things that hold us down and hold us back in our everyday lives. excited to give.

we'll bring the little ones with us on our year sailing adventure, as they'll be 14 and 15. kiele will be able to choose if she wants to come or not, as she'll be 21. and when we go, i want to give, give, give...at every location we stop. in some way. in any way that will benefit the community. whether it be building homes. or teaching english. whatever will help. we will learn. and give. and share. and dream.

celebrating her strength

she held her head high and looked the world straight in the eye.- kobi yamada

most of you probably already know that a huge part of my photography journey is giving. i feel that i have been blessed with this gift and i need to share, whenever i can. it completes me. i am a better, more complete person when i can give...

on july 8, 2008, kirsten was diagnosed with adrenal cancer. and that cancer had already metastasized to her liver and lungs. kirsten is only 36 and the mother of three young boys. after 9 rounds of chemo, she's currently on a 2-month break, so her body can recover a bit. while some of kirsten's tumors have shrunk, the cancer still exists in her adrenal gland, liver and lungs. kirsten will have a CT scan at the end of may, at which time they will look at what the tumors have done over the previous two months and make a decision on continued treatment options.

since we're moving in june, i wanted...i needed to photograph kirsten one more time before we left. in july and august, i photographed kirsten and her family, shortly after kirsten's diagnoses and beginning of chemotherapy.

but i really wanted to capture her beauty and strength one more time before leaving. and lucky enough, i was able to do so this past weekend. and i was not only able to photograph kirsten, but also her family and some of her extended family--her team (team kirsten). and they are all absolutely amazing. they are so filled with love, laughter, hope and faith...beyond words. we shared together. we laughed together. i can honestly say that i am blessed to have them as part of my life. and i so look forward to photographing kirsten and her family again, when i return to san diego this fall.

i so love that the above photo captures kirsten and jake talking about their team kirsten bracelets.

love you kirsten. i will forever embrace and celebrate your beauty, spirit, determination, bravery, radiance, faith, joy, laughter and...strength.  you and your family are amazing and an inspiration to all.

excuse my creativity

be aware of wonder.live a balanced life. learn some and think some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day some. - robert fulghum

max's grandpa is a frequent reader of my blog and after i blogged this post, i got the following email:

Hi Kid! Went into the Anthropolige (sp) in Carlsbad the other day on a mission to beg, buy, or rip-off the "Excuse our creativity" sign for you. No luck! There wasn't one to be found.

then later that day, i got another email:

Me again! There is an "Excuse our creativity" sign for "Deb" waiting for you in the manager's office at the UTC store in La Jolla. Just couldn't let you down on this one!

as i read his email, i was in tears by his kindness...going out of his way to get me one of those signs. i mean really...he would not step a foot in anthropologie otherwise.

so yesterday, i told my friend peta, a photographer who is visiting me for a couple weeks, from new zealand...we need to go pick up that sign from anthropologie. we go into the store and i tell the manager the story. she says,

i'm not sure i can just give you that sign.

i start to get choked up and say,

did you see the sign in the office? does it have my name on it?

yes, but it's not standard policy to just give customers our display signs.

i shared a bit of max's story and what max's grandpa did for me and told her that whether i have to pay for the sign or not, i'm not leaving here without one of those signs. she tells me that she has to ask the visual department, who is currently at lunch and should return in 30 minutes. okay. but before we left anthropologie, the visual department had returned and said it was okay for me to have a sign.

thank goodness b/c i was thinking that i might just have to break into the manager's office and make a run for it.

so please... excuse my creativity.

love ya john! from the bottom of my heart, i thank you.

p.s. here's where our rings started, when we were at the 100 day point until steve's return.  and today, we have only 12 DAYS LEFT!  WOO HOO!

what you leave behind

what you leave behind is not what is engraved in stone monuments, but what is woven into the lives of others.- pericles quotes

16 days left. till steve gets home. and i pretty much can't believe it. i'm excited, happy, nervous, anxious...a mess of emotions, to say the least.  i think i may have posted this pic before, but i can't get enough of it--sky's drawing of she and her daddy.

life is very crazy right now. i'm shooting like a mad woman these next couple weeks and trying to get lots of odds and ends done (e.g. putting the jeep up for sale, looking at KS houses for sale, dhh advocacy stuff, cleaning/organizing/purging, etc.). for those of you that have never met me, i'm pretty much an organization freak.

and thoughts of the move, which will happen the beginning of june, has me a bit stressed. yep that equates to an emotional roller coaster kind of mess. of course PMSing doesn't help either. but i keep reminding myself that we have some pretty big life events happening in the very near future and it's okay to be a bit of a mess.  

right?!

i think about leaving here... i've lived in seven different states but leaving san diego is different. i've made some of the best friends ever in my life, while living in san diego. we have friends, who are like parents to steve and i (my kids really do think they're another set of grandparents). and my clients, who i'm so blessed to be able to call friends. sigh!  i think about all the things that i'm going to be leaving behind--things that have woven such a very special place in my heart.  i know that these things will always be with me.  but it's hard.  some days are easier than others.  today is one of those days i want to burst into tears when i think about it all.

but i really do believe that we'll live in san diego again sometime over steve's navy career (he has nine years left)...especially with kiele's disability, which limits the military locations we can live.  

++++++

on another note... the other day, i was driving in the neighborhood and there stood a blind man about 10 feet from the corner. just standing...and waiting.  

this elderly, blind man...he walks over 30 miles every week.  i see him walking at varying locations in the neighborhood almost every day and a couple weeks ago, he and i spoke, in passing. i'm not positive how the conversation started but i had told him it was clear to cross the crosswalk and i think i was telling him how i see him walking all the time. he said,

just because you're old, doesn't mean you can't do lots of walking.  it's great exercise.

i agreed and told him how awesome it was that he walked so much. he never mentioned anything about his blindness factoring into his weekly walks...only his age. he absolutely amazes  and inspires me. seeing him makes me feel such strength and admiration...truly anything is possible; obstacles can be overcome.

but then the other day, there he stood at the corner as cars came and went--not a single one stopping to let the blind man cross. so when it was my turn to stop at the stop sign, i did...and rolled down the passenger window and yelled,

go ahead. you can cross.

his reply,

thanks. you're one in a thousand.

sigh. my heart ached and the thought of that being true--that i was one in a thousand--makes me so very sad.

the message to me... don't ever stop doing those little things b/c you never know when that little thing will mean so very much to another!!

++++++

my dear friend, peta, is visiting the US, from new zealand. i can't say enough about peta. she is beautiful inside and out. she makes me laugh. she makes me a better person when i am with her. she's staying with me for a couple weeks...until steve gets back. how very lucky am i?!!

yesterday, we hung out at the beach. so, so good b/c i basically need to push myself to take breaks and relax. yesterday was one of those moments...beautiful and relaxing.  simply enjoying a gorgeous family day!

and... a new favorite photo for the beach series :-)

i heart it so

if there was an anthropologie anonymous, i think i would have to join.  and i'm sure my husband would agree...but he's in iraq and doesn't quite know the extent of the addiction. okay seriously, i'm not draining our bank account, but it's taking every bit of me not to.  when i'm not shopping for clothes at anthropologie, i'm still there--just browsing for decorating ideas, inspiration, etc. i was in the store the other day and wanted to swipe one of their homemade signs on cardboard that said, excuse our creativity, as they were in redesign mode. i didn't but i did think about asking them if i could buy one. needless to say, i will be making one of my own excuse our creativity signs and displaying it proudly. and when i'm not physically in the store, i'm looking through their catalogue, which so rocks (have you seen their photography?).

when i think about anthropologie, i think of a mix of modern and vintage, put together in the most splendid way.  and that just so happens to be my decor love.  i love modern (really love), but still have this deep-seated love affair with vintage.  our dream home...an eichler, decorated with a perfect mix of mid-century modern and vintage. that will hopefully come after our year-long family sailing adventure.

seriously.  i just heart anthropologie.  and just needed to share with the world (or whoever might read my blog)... hi, my name is deb. and i am an anthropologie addict.

p.s. my dress for steve's homecoming (IN 20 DAYS) is from anthropologie.  where else would it be from? p.s.s. above photo is a screen capture from anthroplogie catalogue.  

 

 

 

i can change the world

how wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world.- anne frank

a couple thoughts regarding this topic...

first, while i might not be able to change the world in it's entirety, i do feel like i can change things (in some way) for oral deaf/hard-of-hearing (DHH) children for sure.  truly and deeply, i do believe this.  and i believe that this is a path i was meant to be on.  growing up, i never dreamed i'd have a disabled child...a child with special needs.  really, do any of us?  kiele came into my life.  i shed tears at four months old, thinking she was deaf.  relieved when she started responding, life was back to normal...until she was three and officially diagnosed with a moderate to severe hearing loss.  but i can't even begin to share how much kiele has taught me about living and loving life.  she has taught me strength and determination.  and that is only the beginning.  kiele, over the past 12 years, has taught me more than anyone or anything else ever has...and more than i expect anyone or anything else ever will.

during this journey of deafness, i believe we were meant to be in every place we have lived thus far.  starting in arizona, where kiele was diagnosed, we were able to learn and learn fast what hearing loss was was about (at the arizona school for the deaf and the blind).  i also learned that there was lots of support.  

then moving to on to ft walton beach, FL, i learned about mainstreaming and the lack of support.  only to be one-upped by whidbey island, WA, where there was no local support on the island.  but, kiele was implanted at children's seattle (2 hours away) and i was shortly thereafter connected with maura.  we traveled to maura twice a week, so kiele could receive auditory-verbal.  and maura taught me how to advocate and that anything was possible for kiele.  she taught me to never give up on what i believed in and knew was right.  she gave me support beyond words, in a time where school professionals didn't believe in kiele and what i was advocating for.

and then we ended up here in san diego.  scared to death about leaving WA and maura's undying support...there was a special person that answered the phone in the san diego school district DHH education department--that person was carol rice.  i shared with her kiele's story and she said, 

i have the perfect deaf itinerant for you guys.

and she did. she connected us with diane levy, a deaf itinerant teacher.  it's emotional for me even to write about this b/c diane is another person that means so much to me. she's a person that would risk her job to honestly and passionately advocate for her DHH kids.  she taught me that there *are* people within the district that will actually advocate for your child and not get stuck in the politics of it all.  

it's emotional for me b/c i don't think i could ever thank these people enough for what they have done for kiele and i. i don't think i could ever tell them how much they really mean to me. 

i share all this b/c i believe that we all have journeys that we were meant to be on.  some, we might not even realize yet; some that might just fall in our lap and we begin following. follow and embrace your journies b/c you never know what you might learn and where you might end up.  who knows...you might just end up paving the way and changing the path.

++++++

secondly, a friend and i were talking (we've actually had the discussion a few different times) about how we as individuals might not be able to change the entire world but we can do our little part in making our world a better place and quite possibly inspire someone else to do the same.  we have to believe this!!  it's easy to get overwhelmed by the things that are wrong in the world today. how can what i do make a difference?  well, you never know...maybe it just can.  yes, directly or maybe indirectly...we all can play our little part in changing the world for the better.

edward everette hale said it perfectly... i am only one, but i am one. i cannot do everything, but i can do something. and i will not let what i cannot do interfere with what i can do.

what's up?

man, i feel like it's been forever since i blogged. since i really blogged. the weekend before last, i had a mentoring session. and the following weekend...another. i've contemplated mentoring for quite a while and then all of a sudden, it just happened...kind of fell in my lap. i can't say that i had anything specifically written up, but that almost worked out for the best. we talked about anything and everything and went on a shoot together. i was honest and completely open and tried my best to cover everything they requested that i cover. teaching...and giving makes my heart happy and i hope to do much more of it in the very near future.  hopefully crystalynn and katrina got just as much out of the mentoring as i did.  thanks girls!  i had such an awesome time :-)

thanks BJ for this photo of crystalynn and i shooting together.

++++++

and this past weekend, i had the opportunity to photograph a family--a friend of mine and her husband and three kids--before her husband deploys this friday, for six months. at one point, while photographing him and her...snuggling, laughing, sharing, loving--i burst into tears. i didn't expect it to be so emotional, but the fact that they are about to embark on this journey that i am almost done with...well, it just broke my heart. i know they will do great, but...it's still so very hard.  love you pal!

it was right around this moment that set me off and had me in tears...

++++++

all in all, things have been good but pretty darn busy--trying to balance regular life, photography business and now deaf/hard-of-hearing (DHH) advocacy. i'm not really complaining...just trying my best to do...and balance it all (well).

speaking of DHH advocacy, it's another one of those things that i feel i was meant to do in life. completely. entirely.  i see big things in the future--a hope to present at a national DHH convention, creating a oral DHH child website, focused on mainstreamed education and advocacy, paving the way for oral DHH children, etc. with that being said, it all takes time...and 24 hours in a day is just not enough.

++++++

last but not least... only 22 days left. yep, can you believe it? 22 days until our family is complete again...until steve is home...and by my side again. yay, yay, yay!

it's about the passion...and soul

i can't even begin to explain how much i love this song, performed by this man. so full of soul. full of passion.  you can see it, hear it...feel it!  the soul and passion, that is. makes you long to hear more of his music.  and that's what i dream for with my photography or any photography, for that matter.  it goes beyond a picture.  it's the soul and passion...and the longing to see more. whether you watch american idol or not, i highly, highly recommend downloading adam lambert's song, mad world (found under the american idol downloads) on itunes or at the very least, watch the preview. and make sure you watch the performance version and not just the song.  did i mention...AMAZING!

i can't wait for him to starting making music outside of american idol.

a day of the ride

life is truly a ride.  we're all strapped in and no one can stop it. when the doctor slaps your behind, he's ripping your ticket and away you go. as you make each passage from youth to adulthood to maturity, sometimes you put your arms up and scream, sometimes you just hang onto that bar in front of you. but the ride is the thing. i think most people can hope for at the end of your life that your hair is messed, you're out of breath and you didn't throw up. - author unkown

yes, yes, yes... it is true. one month. 30 days. one very short month left. until steve is back home. and our family is once again complete.

and with that said, i have so many emotions flooding my head. as i briefly dwell on the six months that has passed, a part of me feels sorry for us, for steve, for all that we missed together...as a family. halloween. our anniversary. thanksgiving. ryder's birthday. christmas. a new year. steve's birthday. kiele's school award. sky stopping wearing night-time pull ups. ryder stopping sucking his thumb. skyler loosing her first tooth. and her second. skyler getting her first school award. and another one. my surgery. easter. kiele's birthday. and that's only the beginning.

and then i remember that it is not what he has missed but about looking forward and being thankful. thankful for so many things. that the time has passed quickly. we are healthy. happy. my husband is safe. that this part of the ride hasn't really been that bad. i have nothing to complain about. and then i feel selfish for even briefly thinking of the things that steve missed...that we missed with him.

so i refocus--think about steve's return and i get butterflies. the time is actually here, the time when i can say with a smile from ear to ear,

my husband is coming home next month!

we will celebrate. enjoy. share. love. laugh. and we will do all of those things...together! but there's a part of me that is scared because while there is immense joy in steve's return, there is also the reality that his return is an adjustment, a reintegration. and that takes time. but with this deployment, our time is cut short and we will move within a month of his return. i try not to stress and worry about this. but the reality is...i do.

yesterday, i tried to talk to steve about our move (do we rent? do we buy? maybe we should just live on post? what school is best for kiele? when do we find the time to visit KS to check things out? do we take the kids on our visit? if not, who will watch them? when will our actual move date be? when do we pack up? etc.) and our conversation ends on a sour note...and it's my fault. frustrated, i cut our conversation short and then couldn't call steve back. no i love you. i miss you. simply,

i think i'm done with this conversation. bye.

i can't apologize. i have to sit and wait. until the next time he calls. i email him with an apology because that is the best i can do. i'm pissed at myself for letting my stress get the best of me. i'm sad that we cannot talk. that i cannot call him back. so deservedly, i wait...and ponder why i acted and reacted the way i did during our conversation.  why i always seem to get so spun up about moving.  i'm mad. at myself. at the situation. i'm frustrated that we're facing one of life's biggest stressors from 8,000 miles away.

so it's back to refocusing, to telling myself... stop worrying. everything will be okay. holy shit...only 30 days left. how exciting. family time. together. and family time is something that our family needs more than anything.

so what can i say about it all.  i'm a mess.  i'm a mess of emotions--excited, stressed, anxious, happy, sad, scared, hopeful, grateful.  

and i can honestly say that at the end of every day, i remind myself that yes, life is a journey. an adventure. a super exciting ride. and i am blessed that my hair is getting pretty damn messy along the way.  that...is a good thing.

yesterday was surgery

a mom is not a person who will fall from the sky.a mom is a person you will only get once. live with her, take care of her and love her. she will do the same to you. i love mom. - kiele marston, age 11

yesterday i had a uterine ablation.  it wasn't a long surgery, but was under general anesthesia.  i knew that i'd have cramping after the surgery, but didn't know how bad it would initially be.  and that...along with the nausea and grogginess from the anesthesia basically kicked my ass.  i slept the entire day and night away yesterday, waking up for only a short bit, at 8 PM.  

my dear friend, mary, drove me back and forth, had dinner and flowers for me at the house, and took care of the little ones all night.  i can't thank her enough for her kindness and willingness to help--to go above and beyond.  i don't know what i would have done without her.  thank you a million mary and jason!  i don't know how i can repay you for your goodness...but i will.

and then this morning, i woke up to this letter, from kiele. and i sobbed. i know i say it often, but she is the most amazing, kind, giving child. it's beyond what words can describe. how is one blessed with such a wonderful child? that's often the question i ask myself. she makes me a better person, that's for sure.

and she is why this move has me so stressed out. a lot of my friends say, don't worry. everything will be fine. things will be okay.

but right now, i don't know they'll be fine.  things are different. they're different and tougher when you have a special needs child that you have to advocate and sometimes fight for. and that is what i will do for kiele. if i have to, i will fight until i have no more breath to fight with. i stress about getting her in the right school. about the possibility of the district challenging the services that have been deemed appropriate for the past four years, while in san diego. i stress about her having a difficult time in the classroom b/c she doesn't have the appropriate services and losing the great love and joy she currently has for school. i basically stress about screwing things up for kiele. i am her advocate. i have to make sure she has what is right...what she needs...what is appropriate. that is my job, as her mother.

i hope you enjoy the little bits of goodness that i can share of kiele.  i wish i could share her with the world.  

maybe your still working towards taking great pictures... | post two

i've had a few things come across in blog comments that i wanted to touch on and then continue a bit on the basics and skill assessment. first, anyone who knows me, knows that i whole heartedly believe that everyone should follow their passion, whatever it might be. if photography and starting a photography business is your passion, go for it...but the business portion does not have to come in three months, six months or even 12 months. and personally, i don't think any aspiring photographer should start the business any sooner than one year. again, this is my personal opinion and i know others opinions will vary (that's okay), but i think that at least one year of shooting, editing, learning, growing, gaining confidence, etc. is essential in providing a good, solid foundation--to then move on to learning how to start and manage a small business.

i also don't want anyone to think that mistakes won't be made. even with mentoring, guidance, etc., you will come to bumps in the road and make mistakes. that's what learning is all about. they'll be times where you'll fall down and that's okay...just get back up and start again. so while mistakes will be made, i think it's best to make most of these mistakes pre-business and there's certain mistakes that can be avoided.

and just know...photography is a roller coaster. oh yes it is! you're an artist. our photographs are our personal work. what we create with our camera is a part of us.  some days we think we're damn good. some days we're *really* damn good. and other days, we're doubting ourselves completely. we all go through it. just keep plugging along because what goes up, will also come back down. hang in there through those days of self doubt.

++++++

so, for this post, i'm going to backtrack a bit.  let's talk about some...

BASICS lighting. understanding lighting is huge, huge, huge! throughout your photography journey, play with lighting as much as possible. there's window light, outdoor light, hard light, soft light, direct light, reflected light, side lighting, front lighting, back lighting. there's quantity of light. there's quality of light. and that's only the beginning. i'm predominantly a natural light photographer but one of the most rockin' workshops i went to was the one light workshop, where we played with the power of artificial light. always keep your mind open, to see, learn and grow. there is so much power in light alone.

i can't stress enough how important it is to learn aperture, SS and ISO...and how they work together. you must fully grasp this step. this book was one of my favorites when i was just starting out. it is a basic book and an easy read, so it was good for me in the beginning.  i would read something and then go practice it. i would read...and re-read...and re-read.

once you have a good grasp on how aperture, SS, and ISO work together and you can consistently get good exposures in the varying lighting conditions, begin... shooting from different angles. shooting using different apertures. try varying distances from your subject. work on getting good exposures in camera. and when you don't, try and figure out why. do you know how to meter? are you consistently getting in focus what you intended to get in focus? do you know how to change your focal points? do you know what makes a well-composed photograph? posing versus not posing--what works best for you? maybe a little of both. really look at and work on recognizing and developing your style. use this pre-business time to experiment and work on your creativity. know that sometimes it's okay to break the rules but do so purposefully. begin to build your portfolio.

in speaking of portfolio building... remember that throughout your journey (and not just PBing), your style will continue to evolve; your portfolio will be very fluid--adding and deleting on a regular basis. try to always stay true to yourself and show photos that are you--that represent your style.  don't show images because it was your best friend's favorite or your client's favorite or because you think it's a correct image to show.  show images that truly show who YOU are as a photographer.  through your portfolio, you want to give your client a complete and honest representation of your style, what you have to offer and what makes you unique.  

also, i have a high-res portfolio folder b/c you never know what size you'll need for web use and having them in one location makes them easy to find. since started my business, i've gone through two websites. my second site used different size file sizes than my first, so i had to go back and find each of my portfolio images, which was a tad painful b/c i had to do a lot of searching.  

remember that all of this takes time and tons of practice. it doesn't happen overnight. there's so much to learn, remember and think about...and we haven't even begun to incorporate managing the small business.

and again, i'm not saying my way is 100% the right way; it is simply the way that i have come to do things over the years.  these are just my thoughts and practices and you can take whatever part(s) of this you choose.  my goal is simply to help others and that is all.  

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i'm off to yuma today to shoot this family and another, along with their pigs, chickens, bunnies, cows, horses, etc. i wish i could bring her with me, to guide me with the animal stuff. should be a very interesting and super fun weekend.

the gift of hearing

a friend sent me this link this morning and seeing the photos made my heart melt and tears roll down my face. obviously the photos hit home because we've been truly blessed with this gift--this gift of hearing. yes, kiele, my deaf child, hears!! kiele has a cochlear implant, which i refer to as her bionic ear. she hears at the same levels as a normal hearing person, however, she hears differently. and people with cochlear implants (and hearing aids) still have their challenges...especially listening in noise. this is kiele's internal device, which was surgically attached to her skull and then the electrode fed through her cochlea.

this is her external device, which she wears on her ear. the headpiece attaches to the back of her head, with a magnet, allowing the external and internal devices to communicate...to give kiele sound.  

kiele talks almost the same as you and i (you probably wouldn't even know she was deaf, if you didn't see her cochlear implant). she is in a mainstream 6th grade class at one of the most challenging middle schools here in san diego. she's in the gifted program. she's at the top of her class. she touches the hearts of everyone she meets. i get emails from her teachers regularly on what an amazing child she is. and i can't say it enough...how very blessed and grateful we are.

what i love about the TIME photographs is that you can truly see the joy on so many of the children's faces, as they are fitted with their hearing aids...as they are able to hear, many of them probably for the first time.

yesterday, i got to watch the opposite. the audiologist did some testing on kiele, where they test kiele's hearing in noise, in the sound booth (listening to spoken sentences, with noise in the background). they did the testing using a noise level that was equivalent to the noise level in a standard classroom. kiele did terrible, which was expected and is normal for a hearing impaired child with hearing aids and/or a cochlear implant. this is why DHH kids have to have services like an FM in the classroom. but what i didn't anticipate is how much not hearing would affect kiele. as she tried to listen and repeat the sentences or any word, for that matter, the anguish was displayed all over her face. many times, it looked like she was going to cry. the audiologist had to stop the testing a couple times to let kiele know she was doing great and that the test was supposed to be hard. all of this was done to show how difficult it is in the classroom, if kiele does not have the appropriate DHH services (teacher's FM, pass-around, realtime transcription, etc.).

this is a sample of how kiele hears...what the sounds are like with a cochlear implant.  i always describe it as it kind of sounds darth vader-ish.  kiele has 16 channels but i think the last two channels are turned off because they weren't doing anything.  it really is amazing!!

so with all that said...i'm totally PMSing, which equates to extra emotional...and totally crying as i type this. i just think how blessed we are to live in a time when kiele can have this opportunity to hear. and how grateful i am to have met the people we have along this journey--people who have believed in kiele and believed in her potential. kiele wouldn't be where she is today without them...that's for sure. you know who you are. and i thank you from the bottom of my heart. you will always be a special part of our lives...but you already know that!

photo of kiele is from the other day, when we were playing at the park. we are so blessed!

remembering juntara

i've followed maggie doyne's blog for a while now and today, i sit here with tears strolling down my face, as i read maggie's words to juntara.

sep 24, 1999 - mar 4, 2009

photo by anastasia taylor-lind

what an amazing child.  and you can see the love that maggie and juntara had for one another here.

i wish i could tell the world about maggie.  the least i can do is share maggie's blog with all who will listen or read. hopefully others will do the same (and share) because it deserves to be read. her goodness...her giving...her soul...is beyond words.  i hope to someday, somehow meet this incredible woman.  maggie, and all that she is doing in this world, is what inspiration is all about!

success

success means having the courage, the determination, and the will to become the person you believe you were meant to be.- george sheehan

as photographers, we are artists. our photographs are the art, which we create. but when is a photographer successful? is it when one makes enough money? whatever enough might be. or when one books enough clients? when one sells enough fine art prints? or maybe success is when one gets published or has a gallery display? that is what a friend and i were talking about the other day.

for me, when it really comes down to it...success is knowing i've done things like this for families.

or getting told by a client,

we're so sad that you're moving...we want you to be our family historian.

that is success! that is what doing this is all about. sure...the money, lots of clients, getting published, having a gallery showing...that's all nice. but there is nothing more rewarding than knowing that you've done your job and your photographs have touched your clients' hearts.

and therefore, i can honestly say... i am a successful photographer.

thank you to all my clients who, over the past 2 1/2 years, have trusted me to capture their children and families. it truly has been my pleasure. i am a better person because of the job i do and the people i have met along this journey. and i can't wait to see what the future holds.