where'er you are

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stay the course, light a star,change the world where'er you are. - richard le gallienne

first, it looks as if we will be moving to KS (probably the beginning of june).  the detailer said that he is changing steve's orders and will officially release once the exceptional family member (EFM) stuff is straightened out.  i submitted the EFM paperwork last week, to the san diego EFM coordinator, who in turn submits it to the main EFM coordinating folks in millington, TN.

you should know something in about 6-8 weeks, the coordinator said, as he was handing me my copies of the paperwork. 

what?!  6-8 weeks?  steve has orders waiting and his school start date is 1 july.  is there any way they can expedite the process, since orders are on hold?

yea, i can do that.  so you should hear something in 4-6 weeks.  that's the expedited time.

UGH! so, i'm hoping to know something for sure in 4 weeks.  the coordinator said that most detailers will go ahead and release the orders when the system says processing but i'm not so sure since kiele is rated a category 5 (limiting us to only san diego, DC and norfolk, VA).  my fear is that kiele gets EFM 5 again and then what? for the moment, more waiting.

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if you haven't already noticed, max's parents continue their journey--their fight--against neuroblastoma. and they keep up max's blog.  i noticed today that their huge fundraising event, maxapalooza, is tentatively scheduled for september 26th.  

so i had an idea.

my plan is to come back to san diego, for four or five days every fall and if enough interest, i will come back in the spring too...shooting 8-10 sessions while i'm here. i've already had a number of inquiries for a fall session and have started a waiting list.  if you know you definitely want a fall session, please email me.  sessions will be on a first come, first serve basis.

maybe, just maybe...i can coordinate my return with maxapalooza.  i so want to attend and photograph this incredible fundraising event they are planning.  

also, andy and melis are looking for some volunteer help for the event:

  • a web producer
  • t-shirt / apparel designer(s)
  • facebook / social media guru
  • event coordinator / manager

if you know anyone that might be of assistance, please refer them to max's blog and/or just have them email max's dad, andy, at amikulak@yahoo.com.

i close with a photo of max, from the first time i shot him weekly for mashed potatoes for breakfast. this was san diego's children's hospital celebration of champions. even though max lost his battle to cancer, he was and always will be one of the most amazing champions i've ever met. this year, andy and melis will again attend this event, but instead of watching their child run the race, they (along with hundreds of other parents) will release a balloon in their child's memory.

a story and a message

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once upon a time, there was this girl. she was a nurse in the air force, forced to get annual physicals and take care of herself. then in 2002, she got married to a navy guy, pregnant and wanted to try and get her oldest a cochlear implant, so she decided to try and get out of the air force. in march 2003, 8 months pregnant...she did. and moved to WA, where her husband had been since oct 2002. in june 2004, she had her baby. in sep 2004, her oldest got a cochlear implant and the girl travelled two-hours one-way, to seattle, for cochlear implant appointments.  nine months after baby number two was born, to her and her husband's surprise, she was pregnant again. her husband deployed when the girl was three months pregnant, leaving her alone with two kids for the next six months. her husband came home a week before baby number three was born. and then they moved to california one month later (jan 2005). with a one month old, a 19 month old and a seven year old, they moved into a house that should have been condemned. in march 2005, they moved down the street, while their house was repaired. july 2005, they moved back in. oct 2005, they had an attic full of rats, maggots that dripped out of the ceiling vents and caught 200 files in two hours. in dec 2006, they moved again, this time to the house they currently reside in. in jan 2006, the girl began to pursue her dream...photography. in june 2006, a photography business was launched. time for self became minimal to none and continued that way for 2 1/2 years. in oct 2008, the girl's husband deployed again, for seven months. but things were different. the girl decided that she needed to begin taking care of herself. it started with running and trying to get into shape. the girl was never really overweight but that wasn't the point; she was grossly out of shape. soon, the girl realized that working out was not only good for the body, it was good for the mind...good for the soul. but the girl also knew that the 'taking care of herself' was more than just working out...she needed a physical, a pap, a mammogram, etc. but she didn't like her current doctor. and couldn't find anyone with her same insurance that was happy with their doctor. there was an option though...to change insurance plans and pay a co-pay, with a max of $1000 out-of-pocket per year. was she okay with that? yep. she decided to make the switch. did some talking, found some good doctors and began making appointments. first was internal medicine. then cardiology follow-up because of a history of a cardiac ablation in 2002. GYN because of terrible periods. dermatology for a skin condition. appointments for all the things she's been complaining about for years. a mammogram. chest x-ray. EKG. 24-hour holter monitor. labwork. ultrasound.  biopsy. and the list goes on. it was all a bit overwhelming at first, with at least three or so appointments per week...but damn, it felt good to get things taken care of. oh but...the girl so feared her mammogram because of all she heard was...

it hurts. they squish your boob so hard. it's so painful.

you know what? it was no big deal!! it didn't hurt. nope, not one bit. sure they squished her boob, but it was just fine. and lasted what...five...ten minutes, max. the girl also found out that they now recommend women to have their first mammogram sometime between age 35 and 40 (it used to be 40). having almost all of her appointment out of the way, the girl now swears that she's going to make those annual appointments...as she's supposed to do.

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i share this with you--busy wives, homemakers, mothers, working women--because it's so easy to forget or put off taking care of yourself. first, my excuse was having babies and raising babies.  then it was my photography business.  well there's really no excuse!  it's so important that we take care of ourselves.  for ourselves. for our families. i have friends my age and younger, dealing with chronic disease and battling cancer. we're not too young.  we're not immune.  go make those appointments that you've been putting off because you're too busy. and damn it, don't be afraid of those tests that we only seem to hear the negative about. it just might not be that bad at all.

my heart is perfect. my cholesterol is high but ratio is good (no medicine...it's been this way since i was 24). i'm anemic. pap is done. had an endometrial biopsy (not that bad either). will probably have a uterine ablation before i leave san diego. skin condition is resolved b/c of appropriate medicine (i unsuccessfully tried to manage this myself for three years and actually made it worse). mammogram and chest xray were done today. i still need a wrist follow-up b/c of 2006 surgery for TFCC tear (my wrist kills daily). i am healthy. i feel good!

i leave you with another sky drawing, because it melts my heart--sky and her daddy. they're so excited to see him. 47 days to go...said with a smile and tears of excitement and anticipation :-)

art, art...i want you

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if i write them and then recite them, are they worth being heard?just because i like them... does anybody care? do i dare? i ought to. inspired? my stories. how can i tell? art manifesto... great ideas come from great bike rides. pass it on. art will take you places. plant seeds. a broken heart can make great art. experiment. don't care too much. - as seen in the drawings of andrea dorfman, in the music video for tanya davis' song Art

got this link from a friend's blog. so awesome. see for yourself. watch it here.

i'm so grateful, so blessed to be doing what i love. yes... art can take you places. places beyond your wildest dreams. 

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on another note. assignment stuff is complicated. still waiting for medical and educational paperwork (mess) to be completed and then i have to patiently wait for it all to go through the appropriate military channels. once that happens, kiele (and in turn, steve) will get put into an Exceptional Family Member (EFM) category. when we were at whidbey, kiele got categorized as EFM 5, which got us to san diego and put us on homestead status (limiting us to norfolk, DC and here). i have no idea what category kiele will end up being now. i'm hoping for 3 or 4--3 means no overseas; 4 means no overseas and near major medical center / major city. if kiele ends up being EFM 5 again, which i fear, i'm not sure what that will mean for us. i worry about the EFM coordinators getting jilted by the fact that kiele needs to see a cochlear implant audiologist monthly. i just don't know what will come of it all...will steve be able to keep his assignment to war college? if he does, will we be able to accompany him? or maybe steve's assignment will totally change? i. just. don't. know. sigh!

for now, we have to just keep plugging along... steve is going to call the detailer tomorrow to discuss changing his assignment to KS, which they discussed as a possibility last week. after lots of research, we decided that KS has much better options for kiele's DHH educational needs. if steve does get the KS assignment (and we can go), we'll move much earlier than anticipated b/c steve's school start date will be 1 july.

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i've also been keeping really busy the past couple weeks with sessions and donated work. just today, i finished another book, the portrait book--this time for warren-walker's school auction. :-)

a winter deployment

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At the beginning of this deployment, I felt like time had frozen into a sludgy drip...like molasses on a cold winter morning. It felt like time had stopped, the deployment hadn't even begun, and that I'd sit perched on the edge of this separation forever. The first two months went just like that...dripping thickly and slowly. Then the next two months felt like I was stuck neither here nor there. It wasn't the beginning, but it certainly wasn't the end. Sort of like standing in a snowstorm....you can see a little behind you and a little in front, but neither the starting point nor the ending point is in site. It feels a little discombobulating. I wanted so bad to see the end, but I knew there was so much farther to go, so as a defensive mechanism, I just wouldn't look. I'd stay focused on the immediate time and space around me and pretend it was all I was ever going to know. Another month passed and I think I heard the icicles start to drip and trickle...getting my attention and making me wonder if this period in my life that was frozen was going to thaw and time would finally begin to move forward again. Would my husband come home on a blast of warm spring breezes? Was winter going to finally go away? And now, here I sit, in the last two months of the long, cold deployment. Autumn's leaves are still strewn around in patches in the corners of my yard. Once in a while, a tempermental breeze will blow a puff of warm spring air past my porch. And the squirrels are venturing sluggishly out of their hollowed logs. Is it really here? Is winter going to go away finally. Is my husband going to really come home? Can I really say, "I'll see you next month?" Like molasses that hasn't quite come to room temp, I am hesitant to say it...hesitant to get my hopes up that this deployment is going to end. I am aware, though, that as the end comes closer, time will get faster and faster, and ultimately I will be completely caught off guard when that ship pulls in on a warm spring day.- rashel fitchett

rashel fitchett was my neighbor, when we were stationed in whidbey island, WA. we still keep in touch through facebook, which is where i read her winter deployment writings.

rashel's words are so real and so beautifully written. it is exactly how i feel...

in the beginning of the deployment, it feels like you'll never get to the end. each day ever-so-slowly passing. the kids not yet realizing what really is happening. then the middle months...you're numb. doing what you have to do to get through each day...b/c there is no choice. the end still nowhere in site. and now, here i sit with two months to go. i can see the end now. i can almost touch it. i find myself often thinking...and dreaming of this end, when steve is here, by my side once again. lately, i've been teary. but these tears aren't tears of sadness; they are tears of happiness. and hope. tears b/c the end is closer now. and i can see it. i can say, with two months to go...finally, the end is near.

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also, i'm so excited to share that steve is going to be interviewed this tuesday, on san diego's NBC news, at 8:15 AM. for their morning salute segment. about a month ago, i had submitted a photo and a little blurb for the segment and things snowballed from there. they will be interviewing steve, from iraq, while sharing some photos, from EODMU ONE's past five months in iraq. also, i just noticed that they have a photo of the kids and i posted here. i didn't realize this until just now. :-)

inspiration

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far away in the sunshine are my highest aspirations. i may not reach them, but i can look up and see the beauty, believe in them, and try to follow where they lead.- louisa may alcott

today, i want to share and blog about someone i consider not only my mentor, but also a really great friend.  cheryl jacobs-nicolai.  cheryl is a brilliant film photographer, who i so admire and respect.

i met cheryl a few years ago, at one of her workshops, when i first started photography and it was b/c of her, that i had my aha moment.  it was cheryl's inspiration and words that helped me get the confidence in  myself and move my work and my business forward.  her work moves me beyond words.  no matter what cheryl shoots (children, adults, local tavern regulars, equestriennes...whomever), she captures the soul of the person in her photograph better than anyone i have seen. 

if you've never seen cheryl's work, please take a few minutes to check our her website. i promise...it will be so worth your time and you'll keep coming back again and again.

i can honestly say that i love everything cheryl produces but here are a few of my favorites:

and a couple she took of my kids and i, when she was visiting last year

lastly, i may have shared these words of cheryl's once before, but i don't think a photographer can ever read this enough...

Style Is Not a Voice

- Style is a voice, not a prop or an action. If you can buy it, borrow it, download it, or steal it, it is not a style. Don't look outward for your style; look inward.

- Know your stuff. Luck is a nice thing, but a terrifying thing to rely on. It's like money; you only have it when you don't need it.

- Never apologize for your own sense of beauty. Nobody can tell you what you should love. Do what you do brazenly and unapologetically. You cannot build your sense of aesthetics on a consensus.

- Say no. Say it often. It may be difficult, but you owe it to yourself and your clients. Turn down jobs that don't fit you, say no to overbooking yourself. You are no good to anyone when you're stressed and anxious.

- Learn to say "I'm a photographer" out loud with a straight face. If you can't say it and believe it, you can't expect anyone else to, either.

- You cannot specialize in everything.

- Know your style before you hang out your shingle. If you don't, your clients will dictate your style to you. That makes you nothing more than a picture taker. Changing your style later will force you to start all over again, and that's tough.

- Accept critique, but don't apply it blindly. Just because someone said it does not make it so. Critiques are opinions, nothing more. Consider the advice, consider the perspective of the advice giver, consider your style and what you want to convey in your work. Implement only what makes sense to implement. That doesn't not make you ungrateful, it makes you independent.

- Leave room for yourself to grow and evolve. It may seem like a good idea to call your business "Precious Chubby Tootsies"....but what happens when you decide you love to photograph seniors? Or boudoir?

- Remember that if your work looks like everyone else's, there's no reason for a client to book you instead of someone else. Unless you're cheaper. And nobody wants to be known as "the cheaper photographer".

- Gimmicks and merchandise will come and go, but honest photography is never outdated.

- It's easier to focus on buying that next piece of equipment than it is to accept that you should be able to create great work with what you've got. Buying stuff is a convenient and expensive distraction. Spend money on equipment ONLY when you've outgrown your current equipment and you're being limited by it.

- Learn that people photography is about people, not about photography. Great portraits are a side effect of a strong human connection.

- Never forget why you started taking pictures in the first place. Excellent technique is a great tool, but a terrible end product. The best thing your technique can do is not call attention to itself.

- Never compare your journey with someone else's. It's a marathon with no finish line. Someone else may start out faster than you, may seem to progress more quickly than you, but every runner has his own pace. Your journey is your journey, not a competition. You will never "arrive". No one ever does.

- Embrace frustration. It pushes you to learn and grow, broadens your horizons, and lights a fire under you when your work has gone cold. Nothing is more dangerous to an artist than complacence.

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thanks cheryl--

for being you.  for being honest.  for being real.  for inspiring.  thank you for all you do and all  you offer to others.  i hope to see you soon.  looking forward to hanging out and shooting some film ;-)

making the most...of me

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make the most of yourself,for that is all there is of you. - ralph waldo emerson

some days i think i have everything all figured out. how i can... do it all. balance it all. keep it all together. and do it well.

then there's the other days, where i'm fussing at my kids, at the computer way too much, have laundry overflowing, the house is a mess and i'm not doing anything very well at all.

and then... then... there's day when PMS hits and i'm on the verge of tears thinking about how i'm not doing one damn thing well at all. my head is in a fog as i try to balance it all and realize that the only thing for sure is that everything is off balance.

will i really be able to keep up with all this? with all i need and long to do? how?

then i deservedly firmly kick myself...

you can do this. you've done it before. you're overwhelmed at the moment but everything will be okay in the end. you're not superwoman. you are NOT superwoman.

at the end of the day today, i remind myself that it's okay to have bad days. and it's okay to cry.

tomorrow... i will do what i need to do most...spend time with my kids. we will go get slurpees. i will take them to the park. the two things they enjoy the most. i won't sit and read my magazines at the park. i will run. i will play. i won't think about all the stuff that lingers to be done. i will have fun and embrace what truly is most important and...how very blessed i am.

 

fucking brilliant

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yep, i said it.  and i mean it.  a fucking brilliant video, with powerful messages throughout.  i've met this man (and his wife) in person, at one of his one light workshops, and he is one of the most amazing people i have ever met. full of life. full of knowledge. full of inspiration. that man is zack arias. this video is something that i feel should be required viewing for every photographer--new to the business, seasoned photographer, portrait photographer, wedding photographer--every photographer.  and if you're not a photographer, watch it.  trust me...no matter who you are or what you do, it will be worth your time.

you can watch the video below or check it out on zach's blog... on his feb 17th post. make sure you watch it all the way through!

thank you zack... for reminding me what it's all about. i personally, will be coming back to this video again and again...and again.

what are you saying?

have you seen it?

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good actions give strength to ourselves and inspire good actions in others.- plato

have you seen... max's ring of fire foundation website

there is the most wonderful slideshow/video of max on the website (bottom right). i sit here with a lump in my throat, tears in my eyes and hope in my heart...hope for the cure.

one of things that i love about max's parents (beyond how great they are in general) is that even after the loss of their son, they aren't giving up their hope or their fight. and they've taken things one step further, with the creation their own organization, max's ring of fire.  their organization will continue fundraising for dr sholler, who was max's neuroblastoma specialist, and continues to tirelessly work to find drugs that may someday cure children of this very difficult-to-treat pediatric cancer.

as you're visiting the site, please consider donating...every dollar helps.

what is Heaven?

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Heaven is pretty, colorful, really big and very far away. Jesus, Joseph, Mary, animals, old people and sick people live in Heaven. - A, age four

Heaven is brown. Angels are in Heaven. Dogs are in Heaven. Kitties are in Heaven. People are in Heaven too. Cake is in Heaven. In Heaven, there are dresses. Jesus lives in Heaven. - G, age three

Heaven is like space. There is cotton candy and lots of love. There is gold on the streets and fireworks. Jesus lives there and lots of people. - R, age four

Heaven has Jesus, but I don't know what else because I've never been there. - D, age five

a friend of mine shared with me today, that i haven't blogged in a while and he wondered if i was okay. well...i'm okay! i've been donating a lot of work lately and i've basically been caught up in that (and life without a husband around).

preschool photos a book for one auction 1st grade photos 2nd grade photos a book for another auction photos for a family, with a boy with progressing cancer photos that i donated for an auction last year

and it all takes time. i love it but yes...it does takes time. and that's what i've been doing lately. it feeds my soul, but i do know that i have to be careful. can one give too much? i don't think so but, i really do have to be careful because i can get so caught up in the giving, i won't have time for my own family. so, in the end...as usual, it's all about balance.

above are a few of the quotes from the book and below is a screen capture of the preschool book that i'm working on (although not quite finished yet; i'm missing a few things still), which will be auctioned off at the school auction (FIFTY-TWO GLIMPSES OF HEAVEN | a preschool project). i did portraits of all 52 preschool kids and then had each of them draw a picture of Heaven and describe their picture. their pictures and words are truly priceless.

don't ever forget to give when you can.  it feels so good.

what we give

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we make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.- winston churchill

a friend and i were talking today. she's a military spouse and photographer also and relocating in march to VA, after only being in FL for about six months. she was talking about how when she restarts her photography business in VA, she really wants charity work to be a significant part of her business. i...feel the same way.

giving back is and always will be an integral part of my business and who i am as a person. there's times when i wish i could give more but i do what i can, for the place that i'm in and at right now. later, when my kids are older and my husband is home more, maybe i can give more.

while i never, ever expect to get anything in return, i always do.  i get the good for your soul kind of something--that something that cannot be touched, but instead felt with your heart and soul.  that's what i get and that's what giving is all about.  but every now and then, i get an incredible little treasure like this...

deb, you are so amazing. i wish there were words to tell you how much this means to us. the gift you give to people is so powerful and something that is timeless. i remember when i was sick i would look through our coffee table book and cry. i could literally remember that entire day and all those emotions. but that coffee table book gave me hope. it reminded me of the love we had at a time when i so lost. it brought back feelings that helped me to know that everything would be ok. what you do cannot be described with words. i just wish somehow i could repay you. if there is anything i can ever do, please don't hesitate.

give what you can. give when you can. just give something... and see how good it feels.

i'll close with a couple photos of sam and his family.  shooting sam is one of my ways of giving back.

p.s. speaking of giving. i still have to announce my giving is awesome winner, which will hopefully happen this week.  

a story of kindness and trust

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we heart linda's donuts. always have. but do so even more now. i asked the kids if they wanted to go get donuts this morning, something that we did often when daddy was here.

yea...yea, they excitedly screamed.

once i was ready, i told the kids to jump in the car.

no, we don't want to drive, they both agreed.

they actually both wanted to scooter, which made me happy. i grabbed charley, the keys, a 20 dollar bill and off we went.

linda's is a little over a half-mile away...a decent distance for the kids. the air was brisk and we were enjoying our conversation together along the way. one block from the donut store, i noticed that my 20 dollar bill was gone; i had been holding it in the same hand with my keys because i had no pockets. i thought that maybe i had lost it when i pressed the crosswalk button. i went back to that area, but no money found.

i knew the kids were going to be so bummed, to have to turn around and go back without getting donuts so i decided to go to the donut store, tell them what happened and see if they would let us get our donuts and then come back by car to pay. i was a bit worried because it wasn't the owner at the front, which it usually is...and he's familiar with us (i think). i asked anyways, hoping that i wouldn't have to disappoint the kids and head back home donut-less. and they let us; they gave us our donuts and trusted me to come back to pay. i was so thankful. of course, when i came back, i came with money and camera in hand. had to document this donut shop, we so enjoy. and document a story of kindness and trust.

we heart linda's.

inspiring hope

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first, i'd like to preface this by saying that i'm not into politics at all. but here we are.  a moment in history. and no matter what the outcome of the next four years, this day will forever be remembered and talked about.   i just hope that obama (and others) live up to their word...to their promises. time will tell. if nothing else, it's going to be an interesting four years...that's for sure.  personally, i'm full of hope; hoping for the best--in not only our president, but in all of us.

yesterday, while on the treadmill at the gym, i saw ashton and demi's "I Pledge" video.  have you seen it?  if not, you can check it out here.  i seriously hope that these celebrities aren't blowing smoke out their ass, but very possibly a few of them (or more) are. but with that being said--i hope that, with the influence that some celebrities have on others, the video can and will inspire change...to do better...to give more...to just be a bit better in some way...any way. and to be fair, don't just watch the video; read the comments. 

what do i pledge? i pledge to be a better mother and wife (blogging for another day). once steve is back, i pledge to do monthly community service--as a family. i pledge to be more patient and a kinder person to others.  i pledge to think positively and give this new president a chance.

p.s. b/c i heard the obamas talk about it on the news yesterday...as a military spouse, i'm ready for the support that our president and his wife speak about for our veterans and their families. we will see. we will see.

spiritual journey

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spirituality to me is the greatest discovery of life...for me, spirituality is recognizing that i am connected to the energy of all creation—that i am a part of it and it is always a part of me.- oprah winfrey

i was at the gym the other day and while running on the treadmill, oprah came on the TV--an episode on spirituality.

spirituality is an instinct. when we talk about spirituality, we talk about something that is already inside us, the instinct that we are more than mind and bodyy, said elizabeth lesser. spirituality is often simply accepting where life takes you.

some other thoughts on spirituality, from the oprah show...

eckhart tolle described spirituality as a state of openness, a connection with yourself, being aware of the aliveness of this present moment.

marianne williamson described spirituality as coming to a point where you can say to yourself, i want to be the person i'm capable of being. i want to be that. making the choice to try our best.

rabbi kula states, you have to practice becoming alert, becoming more conscious, becoming aware...becoming kinder, more compassionate and more caring. when you are grateful for things, you develop your heart.

rev. bacon says spirituality is where we stop, breathe, become still inside...to experience something larger than we are.

michael beckwith states that everyone is spiritual. when you begin noticing the things you are grateful for, you will stop seeing the obstacles. you see possibilities and potential--open to more inspiration, more wisdom, more guidance.

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yes. yes! YES!

i cannot even begin to express how much i connected with the words i heard.  i don't think i've fully discovered my spiritual potential; however, i definitely believe that i'm on my way. and the journey feels good.

friendship

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friends are an integral part of your life, but every friend you have must live life at their own pace. when the time comes and they must leave you, there is no need to grieve over their parting from your life. it is the very essence of life that it should be so. but it hurts nonetheless, but we hold them in our hearts forever. always cherish the joy, laughter, memories and love that they have brought into your lives. always remember them with a warm smile for what they have given you.- a beautiful mind quote

being a military family, this is something that happens often...location to location, we make friends, knowing that we will soon part ways. some friends you never speak to again. others, you know they will forever be your friend. some of these friendships are maintained on the phone, hoping that one day you'll see them again. others, if you're lucky, you are able to see maybe once a year. my friend, gwenn, is one of those friends.

gwenn and i were stationed at davis-monthan AFB together, as nurses. she left tucson in 1999 and we've been long distance friends ever since. it's hard to believe it's been 10 years now. we went years without seeing one another but have been lucky enough to live five hours apart for the past couple years. so right now we've been able to see each other once or twice a year. and when we do, it's like were were never apart.

this was gwenn and i, in 1998. she's in the blue uniform. i'm in the white uniform.

gwenn came to visit me this weekend, with her four-year-old. we had such a blast together. reminiscing, sharing, laughing.

i am so blessed to have these special friends in my life.

hump-deployment

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hump-deploymentnoun - the mid-deployment hump - the middle of the deployment - the hump that you have to get over

and i'm working hard to get through it.  

i've concluded that hump deployment and even getting through a deployment, in general, might be related to fight or flight response.

deployment starts and you have this unexplained energy. this energy from within, that begins when your spouse deploys. that keeps you moving and going, no matter what is thrown your way.  this ability to be both mother and father.  and do all things necessary, without much sleep. this unexplained energy that keeps you going and going and going.

but all of a sudden, i'm tired.  overly tired.  feeling like i can't make it one minute past the little one's bed time, which is 8 PM (7:30 PM lately).  and yesterday, as i was driving home from gymnastics, i was thinking,

i've been doing this for over three months. can i really keep going for another four more months? i'm all of a sudden feeling so drained. it's like it's groundhog day; i'm on auto pilot...just doing over and over again. i have no choice. i have to keep going. i will keep going. everything will be okay.

it's like i was filled with these batteries, with a three month battery life. and now i'm on a mission to get me some new ones. fully recharged and ready to go--for another three plus months.

so as i officially (with myself) coin the term, "hump-deployment". i look to find these hump-deployment days as a time of realization and celebration.

shit...i'm actually almost halfway there. we're all still alive. and doing well. that's something to celebrate. and now my new batteries are in. it's all downhill now. and i'm ready to go.

may 6th. it's getting closer and closer. our day of celebration. to celebrate our family becoming complete again.

++++++ now back to laundry, cleaning my house for tomorrow's company, working out, business stuff (editing ordering, etc.), putting packages together for the post office and most of all--hoping that steve calls today. sigh. i miss him.

children are like wet cement

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children are like wet cement. Whatever falls on them makes an impression.- dr haim ginott

yesterday, the little ones and i spent a painful three hours in the car scouting a new location. on the way home, i hear:

sky:  mom, you should get that stuff. me: what stuff? sky: that stuff on the commercial. me: why? what's on the commercial? (even though i knew exactly what commercial was on) sky: that stuff that makes you look younger. (pause) sky: and makes your wrinkles go away. me: really? you think i need to look younger and make my wrinkles go away? sky: hee hee hee. (giggling. and more giggling.)

the commercial? hydroxatone. anti-aging solution. reduce appearance of fine lines, wrinkles and age spots. improve the condition of your skin. etc. etc.

after i laughed a little, the conversation really got me thinking.

i already knew that skyler listens to pretty much everything and processes it in great detail. but have i really talked about my fine lines, wrinkles and age spots that much, to make her aware that i might be interested in such a product? did she overhear me talking to a friend? have i joked about getting old too much? aye!

i'm really self conscious of situations like this b/c growing up, i clearly remember my mom being, shall i say...a bit overly-focused on her weight. little hot pink paper strips covered numerous locations around my house--"my goal weight is 135 pounds". i opened the fridge and saw "my goal weight is 135 pounds". i looked in the mirror and saw, "my goal weight is 135 pounds". and as long as i can remember, i too, was overly-focused on my weight. a direct result of my mom? i'm not positive, but i am sure it did have some impact on my weight obsession, which began as a young child.

i was always dieting, many times starving myself in the process. and at one point, in college, i was even bulimic. it wasn't until i was in my 30s, that i finally starting eating better and not worrying about my weight. i threw away my scale, which i had stepped on numerous times every day. i ate when i was hungry. and didn't eat when i wasn't. and if i wanted junk, i ate a small bit, whenever i wanted. i stopped obsessing about every morsel of food. and it feels so good.

i have always struggled with self-confidence and self-esteem. even though...i was always smart, i was on homecoming court in high school, i was a pom-pon girl and in the popular crowd, i did great in college. but through the years, i never saw it in myself. at least to the point that i considered it good enough. and i still somewhat battle these thoughts today. my self-confidence and self-esteem are way better than they used to be, but some of the thoughts and struggle still lingers.

but that's why it's so important for me to do my best to pass goodness on to my children. i don't want my kids to obsess about the superficial things in life. i want my children to who they are and what they do.  i want to teach my children to have high self esteem and self confidence. to see the beauty in diversity.  to always try their best and know that if they do, no matter what the outcome, it's good enough.  i want my children to love themselves. and love others.

i definitely believe that children are like wet cement and what we directly and indirectly do is making an impression on them--whether we realize it or not.

 

appreciating the little things

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we are so often caught up in our destination that we forget to appreciate the journey. appreciation is a wonderful feeling, don't overlook it.- author unknown

i shipped steve a birthday package, from my in-laws house a couple weeks ago, which he just happened to receive today--on his birthday. a few pair of sweat pants, which he requested. some other requested odds and ends. and an 80-page book. our book. a compilation of photos, of our family, from 2008. looking through the book is emotional for me, as i recount family moments and how much the kids have grown over the past year. i can't even begin to imagine how emotional the book is for steve, being away from us and all.

steve also received three postcards, one from each child. i vaguely remember steve's mom doing that--having the kids write/draw on a postcard, for their daddy's birthday. the thing that i didn't realize...was how very special that was going to be. steve couldn't stop talking about the postcards, especially sky's, which he scanned and emailed back to me (see below). Â i hadn't seen the postcards so i was happy that he emailed it.

one thing about steve being away is not only do we realize how much we appreciate one another, but also how much we often under-appreciate the little things, the everyday things. i know i've mentioned sky's learning to write to steve in the past--although not remembering how much these everyday things that the kids are doing mean to him, i'm sure i just glossed over it during quick conversation. it's these things--these things that are part of my hectic everyday--that i forget steve is so missing and would do anything to be a part of right now. it is these things that i must remind myself are so important to share with steve any way that i can. briefly glossing over them is not good enough.

happy birthday babe! we miss you. we love you. i'm so glad that you love your birthday gifts. almost 3 months done. 4 months to go. stay safe.