permission to dream

as i continue to try and find a way to go to miami and photograph my kids with this piano (dreaming that it IS possible), the past couple days has had me thinking a ton about dreaming and risk-taking. then i saw the following post on facebook, from my friend (and past workshop attendee), jess --

my dream: to have a photograph i have taken...on the cover of a book. i swear...i buy books by their cover...and would die if i could accomplish that!

and i thought, why don't we share our dreams -- our wishes, hopes, desires, aspirations -- more often? what a powerful thing, to put your dreams out there. to set them free. and surround yourself with supporters. and other dreamers. truly, what do we have to lose?

i  so believe... in dreaming big. working hard. taking risks. knowing that anything is possible if we allow ourself to dream!!

yesterday, i read this quote and found it so inspiring... if we always did what was known, there would be nothing to learn, explore or gain. isn’t it the surprises, the unexpected twists and turns that give meaning to our journey and make our dreams happen? Without risk, we’d stay hunkered down in our heads instead of living out loud in our hearts. - author unknown

and then i happened across this quote this morning. every thought you think is taken as a command by your subconscious, but it’s your strongest thoughts that become your true goals. - brian mayne

can't help but think how truly powerful it is to fill your mind up with positive thoughts and big dreams.  so tell me, WHAT IS YOUR DREAM(S)?

it's my party

today is my trainer / crossfit gym owner's birthday and it's my party was the name of our workout of the day (WOD) this morning. 51 deadlifts 51 bench presses 51 squats

and so i dedicate this post to paula! thank you for inspiring me so, teaching me that strong is beautiful and that 50s are fucking fabulous.

i've now been crossfitting for 5-1/2 months and couldn't be happier. it's addicting, i tell ya. my weight and measurements haven't budged much since my initial loss at the 5-week point, but i know my body is getting stronger, toner and hopefully leaner.

i recently weened myself from private sessions, which i loved but are expensive, and am now attending four group classes a week (M-W-F-S). i love, love, love it...and can't wait to see where this crossfit journey continues to take me.

here's my pre-photos and then a few update pics from this morning...

may 2010

today ((i had just got home from crossfit, drank a smoothie and was freezing)

i hope my updates will continue to inspire others.  remember that it's never too late. find what works for you and do it.  you CAN do it!!

and if  you have any questions, PLEASE ask!! i'll either answer in an ETA section below or another blog post.

and a few photos, just for fun, from my it's my party series.

it's a swirly mess

yep, just like that...i feel like i'm back to a swirly mess. my mind...that is. spinning in circles. with thoughts. questioning. wondering.

i see blog posts about why we do photography? and i see blog posts about beautiful, confident, amazing women.

and my mind just starts swirling... about who i am. and what do i REALLY believe is important. about what really matters.

and then i silently whisper (or yell) to myself... really.......what is important? damn it.....WHAT?

and then i go on to read another blog post or edit a photo or answer an email or waste time on pinterest, but amongst the swirly mess, the yelling continues... really, what the fuck is important and really matters in all this... in life. in photography. in everything.

i'm not sure i'll ever have a complete grasp on the answers but i'm so thankful for these amazing women in my life, who continue to challenge me, get my mind swirling and keep me on the right track. even though they might not know it, i'm so, so grateful for their presence, voice and encouragement.

and so with all that said, i share an important, every day moment in our everyday life -- an after-school-watching-tv kind of moment.

an artist's style

i subscribed to nate williams' newsletters long ago because i loved one of his art print posters and they happened to be sold out. i was hopeful that maybe he would re-issue it in the future. little did i know that i'd also be receiving great, inspiring articles for creatives from nate williams. in his most recent newsletter, he included an article, does a professional illustrator need a "style". he shares...

As an illustrator, art directors hire you because they want to give a project a specific tone, feeling and they need to be able to count on your work being a certain way for their project, campaign, etc. It’s kind of like choosing a font. Imagine if you bought a Metallica CD and it was full of acoustic Bolivian folk music .. you would be kind of confused??? Art directors usually don’t want to play “style roulette”. This doesn’t mean you can’t do other styles…it just means when you present them to clients have consistency between the bodies of work. A number of illustrators, writers, and musicians work under various names for this vary reason. For example, my other style .. or alter ego is Alexander Blue. This is a wackier, colorful style geared for kids.

and regarding, does having a "style" mean never changing or growing, he states,

No, it just means have consistency between the bodies of work you present. (ie Nate Williams, Alexander Blue .. both me .. just grouped accordingly)

such great words to embrace and think about!! and i love that these thoughts are from a different type of an artist -- an illustrator versus another photographer.

had me thinking, for sure. i often have a difficult time seeing or talking about my own style, although i will when one forces me to. but i do know what i love. and i work hard to only put the photos that i really love in my portfolio. at the end of the day, i feel like if you do your thing and you're honest about what you love and share that in your portfolio, your style will shine without even trying.

and...i'm so excited about ordering this fabulous nate williams print, which was very similar to the print that i was originally longing for. a beautiful life indeed...

lastly, an image from the other day, while shooting with my friend, kathy wolfe. it had been a while since i shot.  and it makes my heart so, so happy when i do.

p.s. no birds were added or manipulated in this image.  it is as it magically was that day...and at that moment.  :-)

so what was it?

saw a great movie last night -- exit through the gift shop. i had absolutely no idea what it was about but saw that another photographer on twitter highly recommended it. that was good enough for me, to put it in my netflix queue. i don't want to give anything away but it's a banksy film, which i didn't know while watching it (thought he was just an actor in the documentary).  peta had introduced me to banksy years ago.

after the movie, i was left wondering... what was it? was he simply brilliant? was he a bit (or more than a bit) crazy? was he uber-confident? was he ultra-determined? was he always meant to be an artist?

i'd like to share a bit more but it would give some of the movie away, so i'll leave it at that. it's really a great documentary and opened my eyes about a lot of things and...made me think.

here's the trailer, although i'm not sure i'd be any more convinced to watch it after watching the trailer...

and an image i love of banksy's. i think i secretly would love to go grafitti inspiring phrases all over town. you know, like you are beautiful and be yourself and you can do anything. okay, maybe it's not so much of a secret anymore. but my husband said no. and with my luck, i'd probably get caught by the cops on my first outing anyways.

.

photography journey

i was just going through my website, checking how everything looked and flowed, after making some recent changes and updates. and as i went through my portfolio images, tears filled my eyes. i just feel so blessed to have met all the people i've met, while on this photography journey. the clients, who have trusted me to photograph their families and/or their children -- some of them, over and over again.  many of my friends, who i so cherish and would most likely have never met if i hadn't pursued photography. and to be a military family, which has given me so many opportunities to meet new people and explore new areas. i really hope that my photography journey has only just begun...but no matter what, i am grateful for all that i have experienced, which has truly filled my heart and soul. and to think, i may never have started down this photography path without going through those three months of hell in 2005, living in the rat, maggot and fly infested house, in san diego. some things are just meant to happen...even though we may not realize the gift they will one day bring us, at the time.

from san diego, where i first started learning photography, to kansas, which i never imagined i would enjoy as much as i did, to tampa, where i hope, dream and wish my journey to continue and paths to expand.

hope more

yesterday, while i was cooking dinner, kiele presented me with this gift. for no other reason than to give. she wrote the poem. she painted the artwork. and shared that each image in the drawing has a connection with a word or line in the poem.

The Heart of a Whole A catching dream to fade away Along the chanting breeze Not the slightest wisp left behind A teardrop on a fallen song And when the stars blaze I could hope for nothing more Than the dove's surrendered gift Where half my heart goes to To the mother I always love - Kiele Marston 2011 (age 13)

polaroid of kiele, taken this morning before heading off to school

somewhere (wish i remembered where) i was recently reading about how as children, we simply create (draw, cut, paint, etc.) for the love of creating. we don't worry about who is going to like it or if anyone is going to like it.

we created it. we like it. and that's what matters.

and then we grow up and begin questionning ourselves. doubting ourselves. worrying about what others think. but i don't want to be that way; i want to get back to that magical place of childhood, where i create for the love of creating and not worry about what anyone else thinks. i hope (and will hope more as they continue to grow up) that my kids never lose this gift that every child is blessed with -- the gift of creating, for the simple love and enjoyment of creating.

i can't thank my children enough for being my most important and wondrous inspiration -- in my life, in my art, in my every day everything.

wonderment

it's what i don't capture enough of...my kids' every day wonderment. their every day life. their every day everything. one of my goals, wishes, hopes, desires, dreams this year is to photograph more of our real life.  i started to do it last year but it became more of a project (series aspiration) and only lasted one month until i became paralyzed. this year, i want to remove all pressure and just shoot for the beauty of capturing glimpses of their every day. because you know what...it really is magical.  and when it comes down to it, it's what i'll long for in the end.

this was ryder yesterday, in his fort, which he was so, so proud.  a treasured image...one that is destined for the pages of my 2011 annual book.

and then there's this one, taken last night, of sky -- all dolled up, to include eye shadow and lip gloss, and ready to go to her friend's 8th birthday party sleepover.  shot at night at 3200 ISO.

portfolios

ask anyone who knows me...i have a thing about website portfolios. and here's some of my pretty opinionated thoughts... clients come to your website to get an idea of who you are as a photographer and the photographs you produce. they want to have a thorough understanding about what they're potentially going to invest in. and therefore it's important for you to have an honest and up-to-date representation of yourself and your work. your portfolio is your business' first impression. and shouldn't you have that first impression be the best it can be?

nothing frustrates me more than when photographers say they they don't have time to update their portfolio. especially for years!! for me, updating my portfolio is not even an annual thing; it's ongoing throughout every year. my prospective clients deserve that. they deserve to know exactly what they're getting if they choose to invest in me, as their photographer.

and i hope that anyone i have photographed over the years would say that i have an honest representation of my work on my website.

so as we start this new year, PLEASE consider looking through and updating your website portfolio. and then consider continuing to update throughout the year.

here's a few photographs that i just added to my portfolio. and with that, a few others that didn't feel quite right any longer, were removed.

and a couple oldies that just made it back into my portfolio.  that's the beauty of portfolios; your loves, tastes, editing, etc. -- it all changes over time.

ETA:  i just had another thought.  i've heard from some photographers,

if they [clients] want to see updated photos, they're on my blog.

well if that's the case and that's the route you want to go, get rid of your main website. again, if you have a site AND a blog, take responsibility for both of them. your client doesn't know what you're thinking; they just know what they see.

lastly, keeping your high-res portfolio images organized and easily found will greatly help in portfolio management, access and updates.  trust me! :-)

meant to be

you know how you feel that you're just meant to do something? well that's how i feel about shooting polaroid. i'm not sure i can explain it. but it nags at me. to keep going. to keep shooting. to keep investing. of course, i struggle with my brain and waiver at times but ultimately, i'm always brought back to this darn polaroid camera.

but it's not easy. nor reliable (especially if you purchase 600 film off ebay, which i don't recommend). and it's expensive. and that can be frustrating.

i'm trying to figure out a way to incorporate polaroid into my client session because i think they're magical. and therefore, i think i should. i have some definite ideas.

here's a few shots from yesterday that have now become up there with my all time fav photographs.

yes, i believe it's meant to be. and well...that's good enough for me.

and of course, i have the 'remember who you are' polaroid, which i will forever treasure. and is now hanging as a framed 20x20 print right above my desk. maybe i'll enlarge and frame a few others and have a wall of polaroids.

CA model(s) needed | feb 13th

our wallflower friends winter retreat is quickly approaching and i'm looking for child and family models.  optimally, i am looking for a family with two girls, who can take direction and are not shy of the camera.  or i could work with one family and then two girls, ages 5-12 (two girls could be from same family or different). the session will begin with the family and progress to lensbaby photos of the girls (see photos below) and be approximately an hour long (start time 4:30 PM).

the shoot location will be at the 29 palms inn, twentynine palms, california.  there is no session fee and models will receive complimentary high-resolution digital files of all edited images.

please email me the following information if interested: name ages of child(ren) recent photo of children and / or family (within past two months)

and feel free to email me with any and all questions.

how my brain works

i was twittering yesterday about how i'm so inspired to shoot polaroid right now.  and proceeded to purchase packs of film for my treasured SX-70 polaroid camera.  i then emailed back and forth a with a friend about inspiration. my brain is usually a mile a minute. always has been. probably always will be, although now that i'm older, i find that if i don't write things down, i forget.  i guess that complicates things a big.  but it's the way i work. i'm usually thinking about 20 (or more) things at once. and my body usually follows suit. it often drives leah, who i talk to about five or so times a day, crazy because while we're so similar in so many ways, the way our brains work is so very different. i often flip-flop from topic to topic in one short conversation and she will usually tell me,

i'm not at that place to talk about that right now.

and so i've learned and now our conversations go more like this,

when you're at the place to talk about XYZ, we need to talk about that. we both laugh. she says okay and we later get around to talking about XYZ.

so with that rambling, let me get back to inspiration. i feel that inspiration filters in the same way my brain works and it is often overwhelming. i want to shoot polaroid. i want to try film. with this camera. and that camera. or maybe i should just start playing with my iphone camera more and see what i can create. i want to try this idea. and work on this series. and that idea too. and the list goes on and on. and on and on. to the point that i somewhat paralyze myself, my shooting and my inspired self.

i haven't quite figured out what to do about all this, except maybe writing down everything i want to do and try and am inspired by. and tackle it like i do my to-do lists. circle the priority or two on said inspiration list and commit to following through. i don't know if it will help but it's worth a try. focus my artistry as i am trying to focus my personal life and get things done.

or maybe just try yoga because i hear it's pretty awesome and it might calm my mind a bit. for the moment, the thought of yoga still scares me (that i can't calm my mind).

i know i'm not alone with this. if you struggle with similar or have thoughts on this, please share. i'd love to hear about it.

here's a polaroid of sky i took as we headed out the door to school yesterday.  definitely more polaroids in the near future.  i can't tell you how happy my heart is with that darn camera. one of these days, i'd love to incorporate polaroids into my client sessions.  i definitely have ideas regarding a polaroid add-on package.  just have to get comfortable with the new film that the impossible project is putting out. there's something magical about polaroid.

just because

because this video made me laugh out loud.because i can see my seven-year-old doing this in six or so years. because these moms are so damn cool. because facebook is kind of random and not everyone who follows my blog is on facebook... i share this fricken hilarious video here.

p.s. yes, i have a 13-year-old but no, i can't see her every doing something like this.

our role in history

a couple weeks ago, steph shared this amazing photograph with me (beyond the obvious capture of the moment, there's such awesome timing and composition). the photo was taken mid-february 1975, when mike (steph's husband) was about 10 weeks old. mike's dad, bill, was coming back from a six-month deployment on the USS independence, where bill was an A7 corsair II jet pilot, doing his department head tour.

and then there's this photo, taken december 18th 2010 of mike's homecoming, from being deployed six months.  he, too, met his baby for the first time, at 10 weeks old.  and mike, too, is a fighter pilot, who was doing his department head tour.

i feel so incredibly blessed to have captured this image for the beaty family.  hopefully it will be a photograph that will be treasured and passed down for generations, just as above photo from 1975 has.

+++

my friends and i have talked a lot about photographs and their role in history, especially those coming from professional, editorial, etc. photographers. what's real? what's not? what has been altered? what's been added? the thought of photographers altering the photographic documentation of history is upsetting.  are they documenting history at all? or creating their own history, in a sense.

although i have to admit...sadly, i am guilty.  i'm not sure my kids have many photos that haven't been altered in some way (contrast added, a pimple removed, etc.). and yes, that makes me sad. damn it.

hmmm...maybe that's an idea to start this year.  in my family's annual book, i will include at least one completely unaltered photo of each of my kids.  i like the idea of the photo being of them non-smiling.  just them being them. kind of like this...

found via pinterest.  amazing, huh?!! quite a brilliant idea. i couldn't find the exact source for the above photo collage, but when i clicked it from my pinterest, it took me to this blog.

yes, i will definitely do that. at least one photo. it's a start. and i think i'll make that one photo film.

ETA: my sweet friend, erin, just posted a comment about the 'perfect shot' and i can't tell you how guilty i am of that so i wanted to add here.  i long to let go. to be free. it was actually one of my monthly resolution topics -- LET GO (being less perfect) -- to capture the everything just the way it is. stepping back and capturing more of the scene is something i am going to really try and work on this year. thanks for sharing erin. love you friend.

finding peace

so it's the 2nd day of the new year and i haven't stopped thinking about what this year will bring.  or where i'm headed. or what my goals are. blah. blah. blah.

i THOUGHT i wanted to start my own personal happiness project.  the initial THOUGHT of it excited me.  and then i made a monthly resolution chart and the THOUGHT of it made me anxious as hell.  i'm not sure i could ever focus on one thing for an entire month; my brain so doesn't work that way (ask leah).  so i'm not sure i'll go much farther with my happiness project than this...

JANUARY’S RESOLUTIONS: JUST BE HAPPY (exploring everything happy) FEBRUARY’S RESOLUTIONS: SHOW ME THE MONEY (managing finances) MARCH’S RESOLUTION: LOVE GREATER (bettering my marriage) APRIL’S RESOLUTION: LAUGH MORE (lightening my attitude) MAY’S RESOLUTION: HAVE FAITH (exploring spirituality) JUNE’S RESOLUTION: PLAY GAMES (being the parent i want to [& should] be) JULY’S RESOLUTION: THIS OLD HOUSE (fixing up the house & yard) AUGUST’S RESOLUTION: REALLY FORGIVE (working on my past) SEPTEMBER’S RESOLUTION: COMPUTER-LESS (working on less computer, etc. time) OCTOBER’S RESOLUTION: LET GO (being less perfect) NOVEMBER’S RESOLUTION: WRITE THANK YOUS (appreciating friends) DECEMBER’S RESOLUTION: GIVE MORE (exploring ways to give back)

but it at least forced me to think about 12 things i'd like to work on throughout the year.  that's good...right?!  oh and business wasn't on my monthly resolution list because i KNEW there was no way in hell i could pick a specific month to dedicate to business.  that thought made me even more anxious. and health and fitness wasn't on there because i am totally getting back in my routine this week (yes, i've been absolutely terrible over the past couple weeks).

so what are my goals? i don't know. maybe i'll figure something out tomorrow. because right now, my brain hurts from trying to come up with something. maybe i'll just come up with a few business and personal goals and be done with it.  or maybe i just won't do anything at all and i'll let the year unfold exactly as it will.

anyways... here's a few shots from our day today.  spending time with amazing friends...boating to a tiny private island for lunch on the beach and spending time together playing, sharing, laughing and exploring. could it get much better than that?

the flag, to claim our island

and with that all said...and coming to peace with the fact that i don't need to make any darn resolutions or goals or anything for that matter on the 1st day of january...i feel better already.

happy...

here's to closing out an exciting 2010. and wishing you a happy, healthy and inspired 2011.  please be safe.  and have an awesome, fun-filled evening. tons on my mind right now. hoping to blog about some of those things (family and resolutions to name a couple) in the next few days.

last but not least, THANK  YOU for the continued support -- for my photography and blog.  i can't tell you how much your thoughts, encouragement and friendship mean to me.

fun with family.  ryder's birthday party in NV...

coming home

tomorrow morning, i head to virginia beach, to see one of my best friends and her family.  but what makes this visit even more magical is that i'll be photographing mike's return, from his 7-month deployment.  AND he will be seeing his 10-week old daughter for the first time.  i love this family like my own family and cannot wait to see them and capture this most amazing time in their lives. the below image is sky -- april 2009, as we prepared for steve's homecoming.

and i know i posted the photo below a few posts ago but...this is steph, mike and their first child, liam, who is now 4-years-old.  steph and i met, when she was one of my first clients four years ago.  and now, i'm so grateful that we're the best of friends. :-)

along with the homecoming photos, i'm hoping to get a new family photo for them -- celebrating their family of five and being together again.

and now back to packing.  i have to not only pack my stuff, but also get the kids all packed.  i return monday night and then our family heads to nevada tuesday morning, for the holidays.

so very excited. about everything!!

this morning

this morning, i received this email...

Dear Friends and Family,

I'm doing a mini fundraiser for my theatre class, and I was wondering if you could help out. I need to make $45 so I can go to Disney with the rest of my Theatre class. So far I haven't sold anything, because my friend who's also in Theatre lives on the same street and took all the neighbors, so I can't sell it to them. I have two more days to sell this. What I'm selling is Toffee, there's Milk chocolate toffee, Dark chocolate Toffee, and there's White chocolate Toffee. One bag of Toffee is $7 and a Combo of these is $20. If you would like to buy some, please email me that you are and send the money to my mom so she can just give my Theatre class the check for what you're going to buy and receive your money. My address is xxx Tampa FL xxx. Thank you so much for your help. My deadline is in two days- Thursday December 16. I just need to make $45. Thank you so much! :D Kiele

i love this child. and her initiative. and i guess i'm buying some toffee.

give love

taken this morning.on our way to art class. in front yard. drawn to something about it. her. the statement. real. nothing fancy. just drawn. so go... give love. and have a fabulous weekend.

p.s. this morning is magically foggy but the kids have art class and then i'm attending a cookie exchange.  hoping with all i have to hope that tomorrow morning is foggy and i can go shoot my kids on the beach with some fabulous fog in the air.

a life of hope

...there are certainly times when we aren't able to muster as much strength and patience as we would like. It's called being human. But I have found that in the simple act of living with hope, and in the daily effort to have a positive impact in the world, the days I do have are made all the more meaningful and precious. And for that I am grateful.- elizabeth edwards

such incredible words from an amazing, courageous woman.  let us all find the strength to live a life of hope and have a positive impact in this world.  life is truly the most precious gift!