this is me.

there comes a time when you have to stand up and shout:this is me damn it! i look the way i look, think the way i think, feel the way i feel, love the way i love! i am a whole, complex package. take me...or leave me. accept me...or walk away! do not try and make me feel like less of a person, just because i don't fit your idea of who i should be. and don't try to change me to fit your mold. if i need to change, i alone will make that decision. when you are strong enough to love yourself !00%, good and bad--you will be amazed by the opportunities that life presents you. - stacey charter

the other day, i so longed to shoot for me--to create images that emerge from my soul. with the goal of pleasing no one else but me.  selfish? i guess. needed? absolutely. as a portrait photographer, i'm commissioned by families, to shoot for them. while i always stay true to my style and a part of me is infused into each and every photograph, in the end, i'm still shooting for them.

so on monday, while the little ones were at gymnastics, kiele and i went to go find a location to shoot. thankfully she was game to shoot too. having a specific shot in mind, as i usually do when shooting for me, i desired a forest-looking location. we found one cool woodsy area, but not the right light. then behind a building, i noticed the perfect little spot--weeds, trees and great light. there even seemed to be a bit of a matted path, which made it easy to walk further into the woods. so i parked behind the building and began shooting kiele in the weeds. soon thereafter, i noticed these men smoking on the side of the building. clearly, they were employees. kiele and i followed the path a bit further into the woods when all of a sudden i hear,

hello. helllllooo. (whistle. whistle.)

hellooooo. (whistle. whistle.)

i'm not sure why, but my initial thought was that it was some kids and we needed to go. the keys were in the car, along with my purse...and everything else.

kiele. come on. hurry. come on.

of course, she couldn't hear me because i had put her implant in my pocket, while shooting. so pulling her along...camera in my hand and kiele with raven mask on, we appear from the woods and two men (aka DHL employees) are looking in my car (they had opened my passenger door). they told me that i'm not allowed to park on their property and i have to leave immediately. i had parked in the very back, right next to the woods, where there was nothing...no parking spots, nothing.

i shared a few words with them and left, hoping that i had gotten what i longed for.

and i did. these make my heart happy.

p.s. my fav image of the three is the last one.  i'm planning to go out again to do different shots, focusing on the nest (no mask).  we found the nest at the apple orchard, while apple picking.  it had fallen out of one of the apple trees and was sitting empty next to a tree.  i love it so.

friendship

i believe in choosing our family of intention - our friends, our tribe, our soul sisters. for me, this all started when i was 12 years old, when i met gina, when i began to understand that friendship had the ability to make us feel settled and at home in our spirits no matter what else was happening in our lives. and that our friendships - the people we choose to surround ourselves with - gracefully hold the divide between all the experiences we travel through in our lives.- kelly rae roberts

oh these words of kelly's... they resonate in my soul.  deep to the core. i can't even begin to share how important my friends are to me and how much i cherish my amazing friendships. as one of my best friend's steph says, my childhood was rather "unconventional"...i no longer talk to my sister or my dad. and i talk to my mom on rare occasion. it's not something i'm proud of; it actually makes me sad, but it's the way it has come to be. but i think that is the reason why my friendships mean even that much more...they truly are, as kelly describes it, my family of intention.  i hold them close. and tight. they are part of me. they are my family!

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when we lived in san diego, we lived next to the hasson family, for about six months. during the time, kiele and nat, developed a friendship that was beyond special--deeper and more mature than most eight- and ten-year-old friendships.  the hasson family ended up moving to FL and then to HI...and through the distance and their time apart, kiele and nat continue as BFFs, stronger than ever. if you saw this post, you know that one of the things kiele wants for christmas is to see natalie (they haven't seen each other since mid-2007). it was in 2007 that i took these photos of kiele and nat--a storyboard which still graces kiele's book case, front and center.

if you haven't seen kelly rae's artwork, you must check it out. she offers the most incredible and inspiring products--necklaces, prints, stationery, books, and original artwork. you can find it all here. and you can read more about kelly's post on her BFF and friendship here.

to my friends, my tribe, my soul sisters... i love you. i adore you. and i will forever be grateful for you.

art, balance and beauty

in native american languages, there is no word for art. it is simply assumed that if you are going to make something, you will make it as beautiful as possible. in the navajo language, the word for balance and the word for beauty are the same.- leslie gray

found this quote quite a while ago, while reading a magazine in a doctor's office and...i love, love, love it.  what a concept... art. and balance.   and beauty. and always making something as beautiful as possible.

and speaking of beauty... remember this beautiful field?  

well sadly, almost all the glorious weeds are gone and it has turned into this--a construction mess!

i'm not sure what they're doing, but the land where this field is and all the surrounding open land, is for sale.   i'm sure...soon enough, it will all sadly be developed. coming from san diego, where pretty much every bit of land is developed, i really love the vast, beautiful open fields, where we live...here in kansas.

it serves as a great reminder... when i have a location i want to shoot at or an idea that i've been wanting to shoot...i need to get my butt out there and do it.  you never know what might happen.  thank goodness my girls and i got to this field before the tractor did, as these photos are some of my favorites ever!!

and darn it...i had so wanted to get some photographs in the corn fields and now they are brown and many of them have been cut down. i think we will be gone before the corn fields grow again. i shouldn't have waited. darn it! darn it!

new friends

i'm honored.  and so excited.  recently, one of my photographs was selected for the center for fine art photography's 2009 international exhibition of fine art photography--an exhibition jurored by andy adams. the show, in ft collins, colorado, starts today and will run through october 31st.  i was hoping to attend today's opening reception but unfortunately i'm not able to...but still hoping to see the show sometime later this month.

you can see all the exhibition's selected photographs here.

a magical kind of day

one of the most tragic things about human nature is that all of us tend to put off living. we are all dreaming of some magical rose garden over the horizon instead of enjoying the roses that are blooming outside our windows today.- dale carnegie

i had driven by this field of weeds every day, since the kids started school. passing by the pillowy blanket of weeds, i dreamt of the possibilities of shooting there. and then this past weekend, i awoke to the most magical fog and asked the kids if we could go do a few photos.

no, they answered. we're playing.

please, just a few, i begged.

and with a bit of persuasion from their father, the girls agreed. ryder agreed at first, but in the end, he decided he'd have much more fun building with daddy, who's finishing a fifth bedroom in our house.

and so it was. the girls and i. in this magical field of weeds on this magical kind of kansas day.

art of photography show opening reception gala

art of photography show opening reception galathis saturday, august 29th, 6-9 PM lyceum theatre, san diego

they say there is going to be over 1000 people attending this event, so it's suggested to arrive close to 6 PM.

all the details, including directions to the show, can be found here.

needless to say, i'm so excited and honored to have my photograph selected for this international exhibition. to be a part of this most amazing group of artists is beyond words.

if you go to the show's main page, you can see my photograph along with a few other images, as part of a sampling of the art of photography 2009 show.

i'm so excited i could scream!!  hope to see you there.

what warms your soul?

watching akeelah and the bee last night, with my family, warmed my soul.  it was such a great, great movie.  i laughed. i cried.  my heart was filled with joy.  i even love the movie's tag line:  changing the world...one word at a time. in the movie, mr. larabee introduced this awesome quote, by marianne williamson, to akeelah: Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. and then while catching up on blogs, i found this glorious, inspiring blog (from hailey's blog, which i so love and have mentioned here before). it is there that i read these fabulous 50 lessons, written by regina brett, when she turned 50. another one of those writings to print and read often.

50 LIFE LESSONS

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

4. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.

16. Life is too short for long pity parties. Get busy living, or get busy dying.

17. You can get through anything if you stay put in today.

18. A writer writes. If you want to be a writer, write.

19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Overprepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: "In five years, will this matter?"

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive everyone everything.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.

35. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

36. Growing old beats the alternative - dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood. Make it memorable.

38. Read the Psalms. They cover every human emotion.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.

41. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

42. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

43. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

44. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

45. The best is yet to come.

46. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

47. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

48. If you don't ask, you don't get.

49. Yield.

50. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

and it was there, the serendipity factory, that i watched hailey's most incredible what warms your soul? video.

i've only just begun to dive into the serendipity factory blog but had to post about it. i could find myself there all day and night--watching, reading and soaking in every bit of the goodness and inspiration it has to offer. definitely a new fav, already added to my google reader.

a few things that warm my soul... the goodness in this world. the inspiration and creativity of others. spending time with my family and friends.

what warms *your* soul?

so many thoughts

very little is needed to make a happy life;it is all within yourself... in your way of thinking. - elisabeth kubler-ross

i'm not kidding when i say that i've rewritten this blog post three times today...and i had started and saved at least five different blog posts last week that never got published. so many thoughts running through my head, but none of those thoughts have made it farther than a blog draft thus far. but today is the day...to publish no matter what!

first, let me share that i'm back on the wagon--not the 'i'm going to abstain from drinking' wagon but the 'i'm going to get back in shape and not be so squishy' wagon. i was pretty much feeling crappy the past few weeks...really crappy. i had stopped working out a couple months before steve got home because i got too busy with work (photography). then i embraced steve's return and continued to not workout. a month later, we relocated and here we are--no more excuses--just feeling very "fluffy", as one of my dear friends says. it didn't matter how much i weighed; i knew i was fluffy and i felt like shit. a week ago, i committed that i'd get back on the wagon and begin working out. so i've been following a daily routine, alternating cardio and weight training. while i'm certain i haven't lost a pound and i'm not any less fluffy at this point, i'm standing taller and walking prouder already. i am determined!!

++++++

i've also done a bunch of business thinking this week--ordered new business postcards, new business cards, and worked on a portfolio book. this morning, i began a blog post about my endeavors to market, in an effort to get clients while here in KS. by afternoon, i had decided that i'm not going to do any hard core marketing while here.  instead, i'm going to use the next 11 months to hard core spend time with my family and shoot a bit (or maybe a lot) for me--personal work. i already have a few project ideas in mind, projects that actually having been keeping me up at night lately.

one of these days (soon) i'm going to feel settled enough to get back shooting.  it's been a nice break but i really do miss my camera time.

if interested, you can preview (and even order a copy of) my portfolio book here. designing and sharing a book of your work, even if self-published, is always exciting. while the book started as a deb schwedhelm photography portfolio book accompanied by inspirational quotes...in the end, i decided to just let the photographs speak for themselves.  i hope you enjoy! :-)

we're not in san diego anymore

i've rewritten this post about 10 times now. and keep deleting it because i don't want to come across as whiney. but shoot, maybe that's exactly what i'm being...just plain ole whiney. and if that's the case, let me apologize in advance and warn you to read at your own risk. we're almost completely settled now and the chaos is coming to a close. just some paperwork to file and a few pictures left to hang (oh...and a fence to build, an unfinished room to finish and a yard to landscape). but i've determined that the chaos was good for me. during all the move crap, i didn't really have to think...just do. and now that the moving chaos has parted--for the most part--and the thinking has resumed, i'm really missing my friends. i'm really missing san diego.  i could go on and on about the things that i miss...but i won't.  i think i'm already whining enough.

i keep trying to convince myself of the joys of this one-year adventure...here in KS. some days, i need no real convincing at all. other days, i can't seem to find much joy in this place...and feel rather lonely. i guess that's what naturally happens when one moves but...we do it so often (every 18-24 months). and then of course, in the back of my mind is the fact that we're only here for 11 months. and frankly, that's just damn hard.

but! but! but!

whining aside, i have to say...i'm so thankful for my friend gwenn. having she and her family here has made this transition a million times easier and that's really why i feel i have no right to be whiney or ever feel lonely. i absolutely adore gwenn and her family! our kids have a blast together and...they only live five miles away.

gwenn and i were air force nurses together back in 1998-99. we were besties back then and have always kept in touch through the years. not in our wildest dreams (okay, maybe in our wildest) did we ever think we'd be stationed together again (her dh is an air force pilot and steve is an explosive ordnance disposal officer). but somehow--here we are, together at an army assignment (ft leavenworth's command and staff college). how meant to be is that? yep, kind of crazy how it all worked out and i tell ya, i'm so fricken thankful. i often wonder how different--how lonely-- things would have been without gwenn being here.

through the many assignments, across many miles, i have some of the most amazing friends a girl could dream for--and i am so incredibly thankful for my friends!

i close with some photos from this past weekend--a day spent together, my family and gwenn's, at lake perry, kansas.

love ya gwenn. truly, i don't know what i'd do without you.

p.s. can you tell that our kids play hard! p.s.s. i lied--we still have an entire basement to organize, to include kiele's room (she returns from being with her dad for the summer, on august 9th). still not quite chaos though.

sometimes i really wish i was a superhero

we can't really relate to a superhero, but we can all identify with the person, who in times of crisis, draws forth some extraordinary quality from within himself and triumphs, but only after a struggle.- adapted from timothy dalton

yesterday, i confirmed to steve that we [the kids and i] were staying here in san diego, while he attended CGSC in KS.  and while not saying much, he nodded with agreement.  this morning, i awoke to a few more blog comments and by 6:30 AM, confirmed that we should go with him to KS and i will make things work for kiele.  i feverishly and passionately completely switched gears and contacted the leavenworth school district, forwarded kiele's IEP, researched houses for sale in KS and ended up in contact with the KS deaf itinerant teacher, who is supposed to be calling kiele's CA deaf itinerant teacher today.  it all seemed to happen in an instant.  without my thinking.  in a blur.

it just happened. just. like. that.

and now, the only thing that is certain is that my husband must think i'm nuts and beyond frustrated with me and my confirmed wishy-washiness.  i've pretty much been in tears every day.  a lump in my throat.  completely sick to my stomach.  this decision sucks.  moving for one year isn't easy for a 7th grader period.  moving for a year is that much more challenging, with a 7th grader with special needs.  i say that and then simultaneously remind myself that i've NEVER made excuses for kiele and her disability...and have always taught her that she is just like everyone else and anything and everything is possible for her.  and well, i guess that should include a one-year move to KS, right?!  damn it...if it were only that easy.  but maybe it is. this, my friends, is what i battle with minute-by-minute, day-by-day.

and then this afternoon, i went to my google reader and read this, by boho girl (one of my favorite blogs)--

Yesterday I walked around quietly and in mindfulness that all of the hard work. All the pain. All of the weeping. All of the tear soaked pillows. All of the confusion. The unanswered questions. The fear. The longing. The aching of a wounded heart. All of it has purpose in my life now. The idea that our pain, our trials are present in our life not only to help mold us into our most beautiful and true selves but to help others do the same, is humbling me to the core.

Sometimes in our pain or in our stories, we feel so isolated and alone. But our stories aren't just about us. Our stories are happening for others to learn from, love from, grow from and with this knowledge, it gives us more purpose. And with this purpose, we have more reason to keep going.

I'm going to keep it simple today and just say that...because that is enough to move mountains in our lives. In my life. Truly.

Today I marinate in the serenade of life purpose.

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maybe this is exactly the path i'm supposed to be on--the path i'm meant to pave. could it be that my journey is to open doors in other states for DHH children? am i just scared to knock those doors down and follow that rocky path? am i just preferring to continue down the path that has become comfortable versus taking the rocky road i'm truly meant to be on?

and i do believe that this story goes beyond me, which is why i continue to share, through my own personal struggles and frustrations.  i know that there's others (military families, families with special needs children and who knows who else) that can benefit from these struggles.  and frankly, while i like to sometimes think that i'm supermom and can do it all...i'm not and i can't.  i'm just me...trying to get through life and be the best i can be.

no matter what happens, i promise you this...i will stay strong and i will keep going.  whether in CA or KS, i will draw from within, use my own personal superhero(ish) qualities and be triumphant in the end. i promise you...i will!

thanks boho girl... i thank you for saying exactly what i've been thinking...and trying to say myself (even though our stories are so very different).   love you. let us marinate!

follow your heart

follow your heart, but be quiet for a while first. ask questions, then feel the answer. learn to trust your heart.- author unknown

follow your heart. how do you want your kids to remember you, when you had to deal with adversity? it's one small year out of the rest of your life. you can do this. have faith.

...only a few of the words of support that have recently been shared with me, as we continue to discuss, plan, flip-flop, consider and reconsider.

even though i shared that it was official that steve is going to KS by himself, we still have one more day of hope--as steve is calling tomorrow to tell the landlord if he's renting or not (steve had found a rental house and gathered two other geo-bachelor roommates, to live together in town). so my mind has been absolutely consumed with thoughts regarding should we stay...should we go. trying to figure out what's right. what is best.  and making myself sick with scenarios. 

is it possible that my heart could be split in two--a side that believes it's best to stay and the other that believes it's best to go--each side beating equally as strong, but in complete opposite directions. and are my heart and gut one in the same?

i've never quite felt this way. just sick with not knowing. i wish i could simply follow my heart. i wish it was that easy. but it's not. steve and i talk to one another about the situation multiple times a day. and talk with the kids, that we're still having a hard time deciding. we're open with them...that this is hard.  really, really hard.

i close with a quick polaroid i took of steve and the little ones yesterday.

preparing for kansas

it's official. steve will be attending command and general staff college, at fort leavenworth KS, as a geo-bachelor.  i took this shot of him today, while he was looking for housing options in KS.

this has been one of the most difficult decisions we have had to make--having our family be apart again, for another year, after having just finished a 7-month deployment. having our family apart by our choice.  this journey of ours has been an emotional roller coaster filled with ups and downs...frustration and tears, to say the least. one minute we're excitedly ready to put an offer on a house in kansas...the next, i'm in tears and steve is going to kansas by himself.

i have read, re-read and taken to heart every comment, email, suggestion, etc. that others have offered. and i thank you! yesterday, i was able to get a second and third opinion from two special education lawyers--both agreed that the best thing is to ensure that there is no break in kiele's receipt of transcription services. and both agreed that home-schooling kiele for that one year would raise many difficulties, at the school that kiele would attend after kansas. steve also explained our situation to the detailer (the assignment coordinator) and there is no way that his orders can be changed, at this point.

one thing that has been mentioned a few times is asking the kids what they want.  have i done that?  no, i can't say i have.  if this was a normal situation, i would...but it's hard for adults to understand kiele's schooling situation, let alone children (12, 6 and 4 years old).  i also choose not to put that burden on them.  i even struggle with the fact that i don't want kiele to feel that she is breaking up our family because it's for her DHH schooling services, so i am very cautious about what i say and how i say it.  even when discussing things with steve, i shared with him that i don't want him to resent me because of this.  his reply, i would never.  and i don't want kiele's schooling to get screwed up because of a move to KS and it be my fault.

so you can see, it's emotional and complicated. and well...we are the adults/parents and some decisions are ours to make. while i do believe that the input of my children is so important, i think this situation goes beyond what they can completely grasp and/or comprehend.

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but the one thing i still struggle with is this--steve contacted the ft leavenworth housing office to inquire about geo-bachelor housing. yes they have it, but for a price--an unfurnished house on base for $1500/month. WHAT THE HELL? oh yes, three guys can room together, but that's still $500/month per guy. and what about furnishings? remember, these guys would all be geo-bachelors, with their families elsewhere.  we have some extra stuff that we'll send with steve (a mattress, a table, a grill, etc.) but still...i just don't get it. in the past (when i was in the air force), geo-bachelors would be given a room with a bed, bathroom, dresser, TV and kitchenette for free (kind of like a dorm room). of course, we get no extra money for being apart. we just have to spend a shitload more, that's all.

and the one thing that might just throw me over the edge is if steve gets to his next assignment, after kansas, and has to deploy right away. if that happens, i very well might have to start taking some prescribed happy drugs. that...would throw me over the edge.

++++++

this whole thing is just so damn hard. hard to let go of that dream of being complete, for another year. that dream of having our family together again. i'm working hard to get over the lump in my throat, the knots in my stomach, the tears that randomly well in my eyes, to begin focusing on the positive--we are healthy, we are strong, we will be able to talk daily and hopefully see each other monthly.

mid june, we will drive with steve to kansas, making a family vacation out of the trp. we will hopefully stay with steve for 2-3 weeks. after that, we will hopefully see steve one weekend a month and all holidays. in december, we're thinking that we'll take a kick-ass trip to new zealand (somewhere fantastic) because...damn it, we deserve it.

questions...and answers

first i wanted to thank everyone for all the support and encouragement that has come our way. thank you.  thank you.  along with this support, a number of questions have been asked, so i thought i'd answer them below.   ++++++

all in all, this whole thing just fucking sucks. i'm constantly trying to convince myself that this decision is the right one. but it's hard. so very hard. and ultimately, this decision...it ends up being my decision and that weighs very heavy on my shoulders. while steve and i discuss everything, i'm the one that does kiele's educational advocating, etc...steve says that whatever i decide, he fully supports. but in the end, he would really love our family to be together. and i know that. and that makes me very, very sad :-(

often while fighting back tears, these questions flood my mind over an over again-- how does one child's educational needs trump everything else? what about the little one's emotional needs? and their need to be with their daddy? and his need to be with us? am i doing a good enough job as a temporary single mother? what am i doing to steve? is he going to resent me for this decision? is it fair to our family? am i letting my own fear get the best of me? am i letting the system beat me? am i giving up and breaking up my family? what the hell is happening here? what have i done?

i'm still numb. and in denial. every now and then things surface and i well up in tears. but things probably won't really hit me until we pack steve up and head for KS.

this just fucking sucks! and damn it...i hate this!

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some questions that have been asked through blog comments and facebook--

What if you home schooled Kiele? Would she still need D-HOH services? this is one question we asked the lawyer: what if i home-schooled kiele. after a lot of information shared by her, she said that she thinks if i home-schooled for that one year, i'd be shooting myself in the foot. there's a lot to this, but she said, ultimately it comes down to...does kiele need the service or not? i shared that the situations are totally different--home-schooling in a quiet, non-distracting environment versus a noisy classroom. she acknowledged that but said that that is not what the district will be looking at--does kiele need the service or not and if home-schooled, kiele would not be using that service.  in the end, i trust the fact that if i home-schooled kiele for that year, i could be hurting the situation for the following move.   how long will he have to stay in KS? steve will be in KS for one year (june to june). he's attending command and general staff college. there's three similar programs and this is the army's version. we were originally supposed to be in RI (the navy's version) and the detailer (assignment person) changed steve's orders to KS because of kiele's education needs, which obviously didn't work out either. the one frustrating thing for me is that this program could be done in correspondence, but there's a certain number of 'in-residence' slots that need to be filled every year, directed by the chief naval officer. steve just happened to get one of these slots.

will you and the kids or steve be able to make trips back and forth on weekends? steve will try and come home every long weekend. the kids and i will probably not travel to KS for weekends, due to the expense of flying the four of us there. we've already concluded...this year is going to be an expensive one for us.

what about the summer? will you be able to spend it together? kiele is going to be spending this summer with her dad. the little ones and i will drive to KS with steve and spend 2-3 weeks with him and then fly back home. after that, we'll probably see him one weekend a month (steve traveling here) unless he happens to have more time off.

'if the military had wanted him to have a family they would have issued him one' is rearing its ugly head. Kansas is close enough to see each other often though, right? obviously, being apart a year on top of the 7 months apart that we just did, is NOT what i wanted. but it's the reality of the military right now. a friend just emailed me words of encouragement and also told me that when her husband gets back from his 6-month deployment, he'll be home for 3 months and then gone again for a year in afghanistan. this is another thing that could possibly happen--steve could get to his next assignment after kansas and have to deploy right away. we just never know. steve has nine years left in the military, which means we could be looking at another four or so deployments (and that's being optimistic). that is the reality of a military family.

What happens after KS? this november, steve will go in front of a board (well his paperwork will), with the potential of making executive officer (XO). this will be the second time he is up for this. the first time, about five guys got screwed--steve was one of them. if steve doesn't make XO this november, my heart will break because i feel like we will have done this all for nothing. all his boxes are checked and he's done everything possible to get selected for XO. i share this because, steve's next assignment greatly depends on whether he is selected for XO or not. so we will know whether steve made XO in december and probably get his next assignment a few months after that.

Where will you go after KS? we really have no idea. we do know that it will be in the US and that it will be near a major medical facility. but where in the US, we really have no idea.

If the school didn't give kiele the service, could you just pay for it yourself? no, we couldn't afford to pay for transcription ourselves. the service is around $30,000 for the one year. but it really boils down to the fact that it's more than the monetary issue--i don't want to give the following location any additional ammunition for keeping transcription from kiele. if we paid for transcription for kiele, i would be giving the following district (after KS) double the ammunition: 1) another state didn't think it was appropriate and 2) the parents are willing to pay for the service themselves.

Can Steve get out of his orders and do something else? i asked steve this question and he doesn't think he can. it's just too late. and like i said before, there is a directed amount of slots that navy EOD must fill and steve just happened to be one of the chosen ones. he also doesn't want to screw himself for XO selection and promotion. this all comes at the sacrifice of our family being together.

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kiele's educational needs are complicated to explain, but let me try just a bit.  deaf/hard-of hearing (DHH) is a low incidence disability, meaning that out of the school-aged population, generally less than 1% are DHH children. due to the rarity of DHH, the schools typically struggle to meet the needs of these children in general. they also often lack the knowledge, to make appropriate decisions (although they would never admit to this). this is especially true with the progressiveness of an oral-deaf child. they just don't know what to do with these kids and what is appropriate.

also, kiele is pretty invisible.  most see her and do not even know she is deaf.  and they don't think she needs anything special (beyond the FM system) in the classroom.  they just see it as she hears... and she talks...and she's just like everyone else. but while she does hear, she hears very differently than us and greatly struggles in the classroom setting. the reality is that without the appropriate services in the classroom, kiele cannot hear a single thing, due to how noisy the classroom is.  we don't realize how very noisy a classroom is because we have the ability to filter the background noise, which kiele lacks. kiele's GATE teacher actually put this to a test one day, when he didn't use the FM or transcription and kiele didn't hear a single thing.  scary, huh?  this also was tested and proven in the sound booth.

so let's play out a possible (and probable) KS scenario:

we move to KS and kiele is enrolled in 7th grade.  i meet with the IEP team and they say, we have oral DHH kids and not a single one in KS has transcription.  why is your child any different?  we think another service is comparable and could be provided to kiele instead.  we're going to give that service to kiele, as we believe that is most appropriate (most likely note-taking, which is not comparable to transcription in any way). i would disagree with their decision and we would proceed to mediation, where a third party person sits in with us, while we try to hash things out. i continue to disagree, advocating that transcription is appropriate for kiele, and we move to due process. at that point, we would meet again, this time with our lawyers. if the disagreement continues, we would then proceed to federal court.

i'm not afraid to do this at all; however, the lawyer informed me that if we went to court, it would take well over a year. and 'well over a year' is something that i just will not have in KS.

if we then move to the next assignment (wherever that may be), they would see that KS did not agree with transcription and that very well could possibly provide them additional ammunition for doing the same. and that is what i cannot have happen, as this whole fighting the system thing would start all over again from scratch...in another state.  

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as i type this, i again think... what am i doing? i need to just fight!  i can't let them win, before even trying.   i need to advocate. not only for kiele, but for all oral-deaf kids. but it's done. we've told the kids and it's done. i can waffle no more. it just fucking sucks. sorry to keep saying it, but it's the one and only thing that i know is true right now.

we're not in kansas anymore!

and i return with my dream of our family remaining a complete family pulled out right from underneath me. just like that. yet from my own doing.

we left for kansas friday morning, so excited about the thought of finding a home, where we could live together under one roof.

we finally made it to KS at 7:30 PM, four hours behind scheduled arrival because of severe thunderstorms, high winds and hail. saturday and sunday, we spent morning to night looking for homes. about 50 all together. exhausted, we were pretty sure that we were going to put in an offer on a home we found in lansing, KS.  on our way back to the hotel sunday night, we spoke with the deaf/hard-of-hearing (DHH) special education lawyer that we had been working with over the months. she shared a bunch of info with us, e.g. out of 90 DHH cases that had gone to due process in her area, only one partially won. that's not good odds...at all!  frustrated, i flat out asked her,

do you think i'm stupid for doing this move for only a year. after a long pause, she said, you want me to be honest? i don't think it's the best idea. me: really? her: people are still having to fight for transcription in CA, where they have supporting case law. what makes you think that they're [the school district] going to give kiele transcription with no supporting case law. and if you end up going to court, it will take more than a year.

while that was super hard to hear, we were so thankful for her honesty. i told her that we might not have to discuss this any further and i would call her back in 5-10 minutes, after i talked to steve.

while still en route to the hotel...we talked. i cried. and then decided that steve will go to KS, while the kids and i stay in san diego. and with that decision, my stomach instantly tightened in knots and my heart ached.

later in the evening, we attempted to have a nice dinner, but it transpired with little conversation or happiness--a sullen mood and more tears. my mind was (and continues to be) flooded with thoughts... alone. sadness. am i making the right decision? what about the little ones? what about steve? how can i do this to the family. how can i not do this for kiele? i have to do this. it's only a year.

on the flight, about an hour from san diego, i looked at steve and said, we're going to be okay. he said, i know we will. but the kids are at such a great age for doing things. i should be with them...especially with all the time off i'll have in kansas. with tears welling, i know. i know.

when we picked up ryder from preschool, after our flight today, the first thing he said, with a tight hug and the biggest smile on his face, did you find a house with a pool?

fighting back the tears, i replied, no, we didn't find a house with a pool. we're not going to move to kansas anymore.  well daddy is. daddy's going to be going to kansas by himself but he'll visit us as much as he can. oh, he replied.

and so, we will do our best. i will find the light again. i will be optimistic again. but that will take time. for the moment, i'm nothing but numb. looking at another year apart. and well...that pretty much just sucks.

the happiest place on earth

we keep moving forward, opening new doors, and doing new things, because we're curious and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths.- walt disney

we are back.  from the happiest place on earth.  unless of course...you're skyler and you don't get to ride the carousel horse with pink flowers that you so had your heart set on riding.  oh to be a five-year-old at the happiest place on earth and have to settle for a horse with a pink saddle and jewels...poor, poor child.

seriously though.  we had the most amazing time.  we were together as a family.  yes, we were together...a complete family of five.  having a blast and not having a worry in the world, except how many rides we can ride before the bulk of the disney crowd arrives, at which time we would head to the pool, for the remainder of our not-a-worry-in-the-world day...not a care in the world except having as much fun in the sun as possible.

oh... and... steve and i determined that while the rest of the US might be in a recession, somehow disney has figured out the magic secret in avoidance of such a recession.  there were so many damn people at disney.  and disney aint cheap!  

one night, we went out for dinner outside of disney and chatted with the restaurant's manager for a bit, who shared with us how business has continued to be really great for them...even through these trying time.  it just amazes me.  and makes me want to throw up.

steve and i also established that neither of us are big of fans of theme parks.  the kids wanted to go.  so we went.  all we really cared about was being together.  and the kids having fun with their daddy.  but the next time, we'll be elsewhere.  if steve has anything to say about it, we'll be on a week-long sailboat trip somewhere, with steve as the ship's captain.  i think kiele would vote for that vacation too.  we will see.   

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the above photo is the only photo i took at disneyland.  for real.  the first two days, i didn't even take my camera into the park.  finally on the third day, i convinced myself that i had to at least take a few pictures.  the first shot i took...was of poor, poor skyler.  the last shot...poor, poor skyler.  and so i was done taking pictures at disneyland.

and now...i am in the middle of a photography cleansing.  i just need a break.  for the moment, i don't want to even pick up my camera.  yes, a break will be good.  i have print orders to finish and then i am done.  okay, not exactly true.  i do have two more sessions before i leave san diego but not for a while.  and so the cleansing continues...at least for a little while.

while i've said this before, i once again proclaimed that i'm getting a point and shoot camera and when we do things as a family, i'm taking only that camera...and i'm not worrying about anything. i'm not worrying about getting the perfect shot.  i'm not worrying about getting the perfect composition.  nothing...just capturing the memories. that's all.  i want to get back to being the mom that took a shitload of snapshots.  what happened to that mom?  i'm digging deep to try and find her again and hoping a new (underwater) point and shoot camera will help bring her back out.  i miss her.

++++++

so now... we're home. back to reality. steve is back to work (ugh!). and we're moving forward...preparing for our move to kansas. lots to finish here. lots to prepare for there. i'm excited for the adventure. yet nervous and anxioius about what lies ahead. definitely a new path--one that i am willing to embrace with arms wide open because if we're going to do this, we're going to do this right. ;-)

he's home...

and i'm so happy...i almost can't stand it!! tomorrow...we're off to disneyland for three days.  together.  as a family.  

my friend, peta (from new zealand), took these photos for us.  love you a million peta.  thank you for your friendship and these most amazing memories!

and now... I AM COMPLETE!

p.s. poor steve.  he's on US overload right now.  just wait till he's on the happiest place on earth tomorrow.

almost

well here i am. five minutes before leaving and blogging. yep. don't want to forget the moments. or the feelings. me: come on guys. we need to get ready to go get daddy. ryder: girls. we're going to iraq. we're going to iraq. we're going to get daddy. me: we're not going to iraq. we're going on base. me thinking: ...forget it.

kiele: mom, you look different. me: why? how do i look different? kiele: you just do. me: how kiele? kiele: you look happy. really, really happy and we haven't seen you like this in a long time. peta: your mum is glowing...from the inside out.

so here we are. signs are up. deployment flag and yellow ribbon down. house is clean. we're dressed up and ready to go. to be complete again.

and kiele's right. i'm really, really happy...the kind of happy that i haven't seen or felt for the past seven months.

talk soon. when i'm complete again.

getting ready

Getting ready to go to the airport for our flight to San Diego.All is on schedule but if there are any changes/delays, I will try to get you an email with the change.

Love you! Steve

getting ready. getting close. so, so close. patiently waiting. for tomorrow to come. when we are whole again and... happy little campers :-)

p.s. thanks leah for the most wonderful family photos that i keep referring to time and time again. i cherish them so. and hope you will love yours as much as i love mine...come this june. xo!

powerful thoughts

if you realized how powerful your thoughts are, you would never think a negative thought again.- peace pilgrim

here i am. waiting. wondering. my stomach in knots. yet butterflies fluttering amongst the knots, all at once. a mix of emotions. a mess of emotions. i catch myself often...with visions of his return. visions of me hugging him tightly. visions of me holding him close, never letting go. i find myself getting teary at the thought of him actually being home again. will it actually happen? finally happen?

knowing that there is a deployment honeymoon phase, i caution myself. and try to bring myself back to reality. then i smack myself and go right back to the honeymoon phase. why should i be thinking anything but? that *is* my reality right now.

we're still battling the flu. but that's okay because i'm hoping it runs its course and we're all (relatively) healthy by the time he returns. to be honest, i think there was a bigger plan. one that i wasn't privy to. but maybe the germs knew and they attacked us at just the right time. if steve had gotten home as scheduled (yesterday), we would have been a mess. a sick mess...literally. ryder got it. i got it. sky got it last night, with a 103 fever. kiele hasn't gotten it...so we will see. for now, we're all thinking healthy, positive thoughts.

and plugging along. continuing to prepare. cleaning. organizing. welcome home signs. laundry. car washing.

still lots of unknowns. a tentative date is all we have. i don't even know if he has left iraq. i just keep hoping. because that's all i have to hold onto right now. hoping...for no sandstorms and a working plane. that they finally take off as scheduled. a safe flight. to arrive as scheduled (for the fourth time)...sometime this weekend. because that's all i have right now. hope. and visions of us being together again.

i so miss him (a screen capture from our last US to iraq skype)!

light at the end of the tunnel

she not only saw a light at the end of the tunnel, she became that light for others.- kobi yamada

so here we are at the end of the tunnel...the light now blinding us, we're so close. today is the day that steve was originally supposed to return from his 7-month deployment. but he's not. as his flight has been delayed a bunch of times and we're now hoping for some time this weekend...hoping! it's a roller coaster of emotions to say the least.

and on top of it all, we've been hit by the flu bug. the regular flu kind. not the swine kind. it started with ryder, who had five days of 102-104 fevers. then me. luckily only body aches and a sore throat. now skyler...whose virus has only affected one eye thus far, making it red and swollen (looks like pink eye but more swollen and no drainage). ryder had the red eye thing too.

we've named our flu virus the red-eyed viral monster, who seems to be enjoying his un-welcomed stay in the schwedhelm home.

initially i was like,

don't these germs know we have a homecoming to attend in a couple days?

but maybe the monster knew exactly what he was doing and graced us with his presence just in time...so that we can all be healthy by the time steve returns. since my friend, peta, woke up with a sore throat this morning, kiele seems to be the last to exhibit any symptoms. we will see. through it all, we've been trying to stay positive.

flooded with emotions, we continue to prepare for steve's return--organizing, cleaning, making welcome home signs. for the moment...still dreaming about being together again.

p.s. did you know that according to the CDC, the regular flu kills over 36,000 people every year.  all this  swine flu hype is driving me crazy.  thank you media for helping the swine flu hype spiral slightly out of control.