do the best at this moment

doing the best at this moment puts you in the best place for the next moment. - oprah winfrey

i'm posting to hopefully psych myself up, in a positive direction, about my week ahead. Â i think it's those little unanticipated things that squeeze into my week that push me to that stressful edge. it's...

the hearing aid that is not functioning properly and requires a last minute audiology appointment that happens to interfere with my picking up skyler from school.

that make up gymnastics class and sky's evaluation, which of course are on different days, making gymnastics every day this week.

the creation of a book with kiele, for her english class, that has to be bound and turned in on friday (and she's just as much of a perfectionist as i).

and i had the nerve to sign up for a military spouse's club get-together one evening this week. Â am i kidding myself? Â there is no way in hell i'm going to be making that.

it's these things, that when added to the everyday things that make me stress. so while my stomach is sick and my mind is in a fury trying to figure out how i'm going to get everything done, i will try and heed oprah's advice and do my best at this moment because really, that's all i can do. that and...take a deep breath and chill because in the end, i know i'll get it all done and be just fine. :-)

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real life superheroes

anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. but to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart...that's true strength. - author unkown

an eight year old boy, who just went through a liver and bowel transplant.

a two month old, who has the most terrible colic.

a three year old, who tolerates everything with joy and a smile on his face.

a family, who was displaced from their home, to endure 100 days in the hospital.

a man and woman, who are so grounded, genuine and kind and holding it together with grace.

they are...a family, full of real life superheroes.

it's knowing families like this one, the mikulak family, the sandstrom family...that bring inspiration into my life.  they amaze me. they bring me strength and courage. and it's families like these that i think about when i start to feel sorry for myself.  sure, suddenly becoming a single mom of three has it's own challenges, but 1) it's temporary and 2) it's nothing compared to what so many other families are enduring.

working to keep things in perspective.

and hey, who's that penguin in our photo session at the beach? Â lol.

adjusting my sails

i can't change the direction of the wind, but i can adjust my sails to always read my destination. - jimmy dean

first, happy belated halloween. Â the kids had such a great evening trick or treating with friends. and if you haven't noticed the photo below, my angelic child...well, she was none other than the grim reaper. Â four months ago, we made an agreement that she would be a 50s girl. at the end of 5th grade, the kids put on a musical and i told kiele that if i bought her all the bits and pieces pieces for her 50s costume ($100+), she was going to have to be a 50s girl for halloween. she agreed. fast forward to about a month ago and she was telling me that she didn't want to be a dumb 50s girl and begging me to let her to be a ghoul.

really? why?Â

i don't know. i just want to.

and so, the night before halloween, we ventured out and bought the last grim reaper costume (it just happened to her size, at target.  in the end, kiele said, next year, i think i'll be a princess. i just found the whole thing funny. and ryder...he woke up in the middle of the night last night, to go pee. and then stood by my bed, telling me he couldn't go back into bed because there was a biting baby in there. i think halloween got the best of him. i did finally get him back into bed, but it took a while (he was convinced the biting baby was there).

now on to today. so...it wasn't the best of days.  and i don't just mean busy.  i had reached my max, at least for a temporary period, this morning.  my max in multi-tasking (and i consider myself a pretty darn good multi-tasker).  and my max for toleration.  i had a shoot to get ready for, a bear chair to transfer to the buyer, a birthday party to get the kids ready for and then my kids wouldn't stop whining, crying and fussing. i still hadn't showered and my client called, to let me know they were 15 minutes away. all of a sudden, it hit me like a train. a train going full speed. WHAM. i had a little outburst and my kids were quickly quieted. they, too, then realized i was at my max. i got over it but it took a while to shake.  for a bit, i was on the verge of tears. it was just one of those days.

but it is during these days that i continue to remind myself how lucky i am. we all have bad days. today just happened to be one of mine. especially during a day like today, i remind myself over and over again of all the things i have to be grateful for. i guess it's my little way of adjusting my sails and setting myself in the right direction, to get through the rough seas.

ETA:

i'm embarrassed. i'm embarrassed that i let things get to me. that i lost it. i received an email from my client today, right after posting this blog entry. part of her email is as follows:

Thank you so much for today. On a hard day for you and a hard day for us, I'm so grateful we were just able to make it work. On days like today I feel like a shell of who I am. I seriously just want to lay down in a fetal position at the end of today and put up the white flag.  Jill fell asleep all the way as we drove away and stayed asleep 'til we got to Doug's grandma's. But we stayed too long and she ended up screaming. We went to get in the car (as she's crying) and Doug realizes that he forgot to hook Mike up to IV hydration and back on to feeds. So he starts working on them while I get her BACK out of the car screaming and just walk her up and down the street. Then I hear Chris from the back seat "MOMMY... my tummy really hurts". I look at him and, sure enough, his face is completely pale which always means he is going to vomit. His pink little lips go all the way white! So Doug grabbed him out of the car just in time to vomit everywhere.  Jill is screaming in my arms so I can't help. Then Mike gets out of the car and vomits as well. All the while Mike's pumps are beeping in the back of the car. HOLY CRAP!!!Â

after reading the above client's email, i should have blogged about what a glorious day i had today. really, <whacking myself on the back of the head> i should have known better. Â what do i have to have a meltdown about? seriously...not a damn thing. Â my life is glorious. Â thanks S for helping me get my sails set right.

* names in the above were changed, to protect their identities.

use your imagination

limitations live only in our minds...if we use our imaginations, our possibilities become endless. - jamie paolinetti

taken today. drawn today. looks just like me, right?!

today was a better day...well at least a productive day. Â that makes it better, right? i think so.

my day started out with my breaking my damn toe, when i jammed it against the leg of my office chair. then...i dropped off kids at school. did laundry. did a mail run. met a local framer, who wants to display my work (yay!) unloaded suitcases, from the weekend. did more laundry. grocery shopped. picked up ryder. cleaned the bedrooms and kitchen. yet, more laundry. dropped off business paperwork to book keeper. picked up sky. made dinner. cancelled dentist appointments for the three kids because of kiele's conflicting audiology appointment, only to find out today that the audiologist needs a referral, so she can't see kiele tomorrow (aye!). cooked a big dinner (which no one liked or ate).  did even more laundry (will it ever end). helped with homework for two. read books. gave baths. wondered where my husband is and why we haven't heard from him. and now...finally, i sit at my computer and am getting ready to edit photos and work on client orders.  all in a day.  and yes, besides the broken toe part, today was a better day. looking forward to tomorrow.

++++++

i've now really come to look forward to my runs every monday, wednesday and friday. i never thought i'd say that. never. i'm up to four miles (about a 9:30 - 9:50 pace) and feeling pretty good. nope, not that good. Â not good enough to add on more mileage quite yet. i've also excitedly said that i would commit to participating in the hood to coast relay: the mother of all relays (if our group is one of the ones chosen via lottery).

i keep sharing about my running ventures because i never thought i could do it. and i am. you can too. start out slow. do it right. if you haven't worked out in forever (like i hadn't), don't go out and try to run three miles right away; let your body get used to working out again. and i wholeheartedly believe that it's so good for you. not only your body, but also your mind and soul. it's a time for decompression, for cleansing. if you can't run, walk. or do any form of exercise you enjoy. do it for you. do it for your family. you need that you time.

oh yea, that damn broken toe. Â tomorrow should be interesting.

++++++

no new news on steve. i haven't heard from him. i'm assuming that he went somewhere and is away from his regular room, but i really  have no idea.Â

our days (see above) are so busy that they go by really quick. right now isn't too hard, as i think the pre-deployment work-up time away kind of prepared us for the ultimate separation. i know...some days will be tougher than others, but for now, i can honestly say that we're all doing okay. i'm grateful for each and every day, as it is another day closer to us being a complete family again.Â

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suck up and be nice

maybe you don't like your job, maybe you didn't get enough sleep. well nobody likes their job, nobody gets enough sleep. maybe you just had the worst day of your life, but you know...there's no escape, there's no excuse. so just suck up and be nice. - ani difranco

that's how i felt today. Â episode after episode and there was no escaping my bad day. Â i would like to say that at least i was nice, but kiele's audiologist's receptionist would probably say that i was lying (sorry for being so grumpy dianna). so let's just settle with the fact that today was one of those days--one of those days, where i had to joke and laugh about, or i might just cry. Â

i was going to vent and share the every detail of my hellacious day, but instead, i will just share this glimpse...

i arrive at ryder's preschool, to pick him up as i do every day, and i see his teacher outside the classroom, in full decon mode. Â bright yellow gloves, past her elbows. Â sweating. Â carrying out, at full arm's length, two loaded garbage bags. Â having just finished a four mile run, i was still on my runner's high, and floated in

what happened? did someone puke?

ryder's teacher looks at me, wide-eyed, apologizing to me for her profuse sweating (while i knew that what she really wanted to do, was just strangle me), and in her kindest voice, she says

has he been sick?

oh my gosh. Â she is in decon mode because of my son. Â

completely embarrassed, i ask if ryder threw up. nope, he just had diarrhea all over the playground area.

OH MY GOSH, i am now silently screaming.

wearing someone else's too big undies and shorts (i forgot to restock his spare preschool clothes, after he spilled orange juice on himself a couple weeks ago), one sock and no shoes, ryder runs to me, hops up and clings on for dear life, with his head on my shoulder. i share with ryder's teacher, that sky had the squirts this morning but i thought it was because of something she ate. humiliated, both ryder and i  head to the car.  back home, i then had to deal with the dreaded crap bag. ryder's teacher had already warned me that it had gotten in his shoes and everything. of course, i did as any mom, with a really shitty day, would contemplate doing--i took one peak inside and tossed the whole damn thing in the outside trash can. of course, i justified it all, with the fact that i thought ryder was growing out of those shoes anyways. the mini boden shorts...i just had to chalk those up to a loss.

ryder didn't end up having any more diarrhea today, but he did end up getting diagnosed with a sinus infection.

and that, my friends, was only the beginning of what my day had in store for me.

++++++

the wedding this past weekend was wonderful. Â it is always so awesome to see momma carmen and daddy jim (as kiele still refers to them). however, i missed steve terribly. driving six hours one way, with three kids is not an easy task. carrying luggage for three, camera equipment, a cooler, etc. to a hotel room on the second floor was not exactly fun either. and being at a wedding without your spouse, well...need i say more.

but...

thank goodness for kiele. thank goodness for kiele. thank goodness for kiele. Â i seriously cannot even begin to express my appreciation for what a wonderful, caring child she is. Â she is so amazingly helpful each and every day. i don't know what i would do without her.

++++++

we haven't talked to steve in a while and i hate that. i hate not being able to pick up the phone, when i want to share. when i'm having a bad day. when i just want to chat. it's completely out of my control. i leave the computer on, wondering if tonight is going to be the night...the night when he skypes in and we try to sum up  multiple days into one 20 minute conversation, shared between four. and then another night comes and goes with nothing. but, whether we like it or not, this is something that we, military spouses, with deployed husbands/wives, must come to terms with; it's a reality of this whole deployment business.

i close with a photo from this weekend. Â kiele as a flower girl and the little ones adoring their sister (they really do!).

and here's to tomorrow being a less shitty day, sucking up and being nice :-)

better when we're together

love is the answer, at least for most of the questions in my heart. Â why are we here and where do we go. and how come it's so hard. it's not always easy and sometimes life can be deceiving. but i'll tell you one thing. it's always better when we're together. - jack johnson

trying to figure out how i'm going to do and get through the week. Â we're leaving early friday morning for a wedding in tucson (six hour drive). i have photos to edit, prints to order, packages to ship. Â i have miles to run. i have clothes and shoes to buy for the wedding (kiele is in the wedding). Â but when? Â when will i find the time to do all that i have to do this week?Â

i pick up ryder at noon. sky at 2 PM. kiele is home at 4:30 PM. there's gymnastics, speech therapy and fencing. there's homework. there's early bed times. plus the rest of everyday life (laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc.).

i don't know how i am going to do it. but i do know that i will. Â some things might have to end up waiting and i will have to prioritize which of those can wait. Â i'll figure it out. Â i will.

things sure are better (and easier) when we're together.

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goodbyes are sad

goodbyes are sad yet they should also be cherished because it is this word that causes all the memories to come flooding back as if they had happened yesterday. - author unknown

it's yesterday, 8 PM. skyler is in bed and i'm trying to get ryder in bed and getting ready to help kiele with her homework. Â

<RING. RING.>

it's not your typical ring...of the phone.  i run to the computer.  it's steve.  i holler for the kids. they come running and stand by my side, as we talk to steve.

hi daddy. Â we miss you. Â when are you coming home.

we see him. Â we hear him. Â he sees and hears us. Â my heat aches, yet it's absolutely amazing that this technology exists and we can do this. Â i am beyond grateful for this connection that we can maintain, while he is so far away.

actually, i am grateful for so much. truly. Â i'm sad that steve is gone, but i don't dwell in the sadness of him being gone; that would do me no good. i am strong while he is gone and thankful. thankful that it's only seven months (and not 15-18 months, like the army guys that steve's unit is replacing). Â i'm thankful that we're all healthy. Â and safe. Â things could be so much worse and i'm thankful for each and every blessing in my life.

so, here is a screen capture, from us saying hi to steve. Â us in california. Â him in iraq.Â

198 days to go.

what lies within

what lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. - ralph waldo emerson

this morning, steve walked the kids to school. Â he hugged each of them and said their separate good-byes. Â a lump in their throats, but no tears shed. Â i'm not sure they really get it. Â daddy's been gone before--sometimes a week, sometimes a month. Â i'm sure they think it's going to be another one of those trips. Â i know the time will eventually come when it hits them, that daddy still isn't home and it's been a long time. Â and when that time comes, i will be strong and i will be here for them. Â

after we dropped off ryder (the last to start school in the morning), i took steve to base. Â he didn't need to be at the airport until 12 PM, but everyone's bags had to go on the pallet at 9 AM. Â we were standing with steve's commander's wife. Â we chatted for a bit and then steve had some other things he needed to get done (he's making a plaque for the unit they're relieving in iraq). Â i hugged him. Â i kissed him. Â said good-bye. Â told him i'd be strong. Â and i was ready to go. Â the commander's wife said,

that's it? Â that's your good-bye? Â you're not going to the airport to say good-bye?

i decided to stay a little longer and steve and i did end up going to get a bagel together. Â but it was quiet. even a bit awkward. Â good-byes are never easy and when it's a seven month good-bye, it's that much harder. Â when we returned back to base, it was the same. Â a hug. Â a kiss. Â a good-bye. Â and lots of strength and courage. and then it was time; i drove home a bit numb. Â still am. Â probably will be for a few days.

there were other wives at the base. Â some alone. Â some with their kids. Â but we all handle our good-byes differently. Â me...i'm not one to drag things out. Â i am honest with my kids and factual. Â i'm not one for the long or dramatic good-byes and to be honest, at this time, i don't want to witness them either. Â

i haven't shed any tears...yet. Â but i am very sad. Â and lonely. Â i've choked up a bunch of times through the day, especially when i talk to others about steve's leaving. Â and i know it will all hit me soon. Â it's welling...i feel it.

a friend emailed me the sweetest note today and in her email was the quote above. Â she told me that i have so much within. Â i hope so. Â i sure hope so. Â over the next seven months, i will have to rely on that, what lies within and sometimes when it seems like it's no longer there, i'll have to dig deep to find it. Â but i will.

thank you to all that have offered so many kind words and support. Â love you guys!Â

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